A/N: GASP! ANOTHER FANDOM? REALLY?

Ha, I'm sorry, but I am a huge nerd. I saw the Star Trek movie a few weeks after it came out in '09, and after watching TOS for a little while, I'm slightly hooked. Plus, Spirk. 'Nuff said. Okay, warning:

The following contains slash (seriously, what else do you expect from me?), language, McCoy reacting to strange situations, and a hybrid child who exists but probably shouldn't.

Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I was neither Gene Roddenberry nor J.J Abrams.

In retrospect, Jim knew he should have been a bit more wary when The Enterprise received a distress call from a nearby planet.

He also should have been more suspicious when the callers claimed to be under attack from, "Evil, foaming-at the mouth primates," as well.

But he wasn't, and so now he, his First Officer, Bones, a total of fifteen living yeomans (and five dead ones), and several terrified cat-people in robes were hiding from crazy, rabid primate things that wanted to either enslave them or eat their meat and wear their skins as coats.

But in Kirk's defense, Spock probably should have warned him that this was a bad idea. So there.

"Okay, if anybody has any ideas, any ideas at all, now would be a really great time to share them!" Kirk half-whispered, half-yelled hurriedly.

A yeoman whose name escaped him at the moment raised her hand tentatively.

"Yes! You, yeoman in the back!"

"… Panic?" She suggested quietly.

"That's your answer for everything!" The yeoman next to her hissed.

"Okay, no, no panicking! Panicking is bad and will probably get us all killed! Anybody else? Anybody at all? Please?"

"Captain, if I may interrupt, I believe that I have a plan that will result in most, if not all, of us surviving."

"Well dammit Spock, spit it out!" Kirk hush-yelled. Spock raised an eyebrow.

"I do not see how salivating will at all improve our situation, Captain."

"For the love of- Just tell us your plan!"

And so he did. To put it simply, Spock's plan was that he, the Captain, and at least three yeomans would all run out and distract the thirteen total invaders while the remaining yeomans and Bones would stick hypos filled with an poisonous substance- apparently the monkey people had a VERY bad intolerance for the juice of a fruit-like plant that grew inside the cat people's caves- into their necks, paralyzing them long enough for them to be apprehended.

"And you're sure this'll work?" Bones asked skeptically.

"I am 99.5 percent sure, doctor."

"What's the other .5 percent?"

"We all die painfully."

"I like those odds! Let's do it!" Kirk cheered.

"HOLD IT! None of these yeomans are trained medical staff members! They have no idea how to work the-"

"OW! What the hell'd you do that for?"

Everyone turned to the two yeomans from earlier. The one who had suggested panicking had apparently stuck a hypo in the one who had hissed at her.

"Sorry. I wanted to make sure I knew how this worked."

Spock perked an eyebrow at Bones when he turned around. "You were saying, doctor?"

McCoy's eyes narrowed. "I hate you, you green-blooded son of a hobgoblin."

"Of course you do. Now, shall we start?"

-To boldly go-

"Okay, is everybody ready?"

Spock and the three yeomans (okay, just the yeomans) nodded.

"Let's do this!"

And thus, the party burst out from behind the rocks, phasers loaded.

"HEY YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!"

Said monkey-people turned to them, malice mixed with confusion shining in their eyes. Jim's own eyes shone with a wicked gleam, excited about finally getting to use his phaser after countless ass-kissing diplomatic missions.

And then hell broke loose. Phasers were fired, hypos were stuck in necks, monkey people roared and swung their arms, etc.

But the oddest thing out of the whole battle was how it ended. While Kirk had his back turned, one of the monkeys snuck up behind him, unnoticed in the commotion. Spock, however, did notice this.

"CAPTAIN!" He yelled, tackling Kirk just as the monkey swung. Both of them were hurled back into a large, off-white crystal-like object. Spock's arms gripped his friend tightly as the back his head collided with the crystal, and Jim's eyes widened as his hands both slammed onto the crystal.

What happened next is difficult to explain. Immediately after the Captain and First Officer made contact with the crystal, the object emitted a blindly white light that overtook the whole cave. Once it faded, the entire remaining monkey people were moaning in pain on the ground (the rest were paralyzed), although most of the uninjured crew members remained fine.

Of course, Spock and Kirk were unaware of this little fact. They both were slightly more preoccupied with the position the two of them were in. Such as the fact that Spock was still clutching the human around his waist quite tightly. Or that Jim's hand was almost on top of Spock's (he knew Spock had a weird thing about stuff like handshakes, though he didn't know why). Or the fact that they were both in a position that would very easily allow either of them to shift forward ever so slightly and-

"Captain? If it is not a problem, would you please remove yourself from your position on top of me?"

Jim blinked. "H-Huh? O-Oh, sure!" He said, scrambling to his feet, attempting to control the fierce blush threatening to overcome his features. Dammit… Why is it that I feel like this around him all of a sudden?

"Oi! Jim! If you and the hobgoblin are done making out, call somebody to get these guys outta here!"

Despite his efforts, the blush took over anyway. "Sh-Shut up, Bones!"

Jim then picked up on the groans coming from the half-Vulcan beside him. Spock was rubbing his neck, a look of slight pain on his face. "You okay?" Jim asked.

"I am fine, Captain. I simply did not properly brace myself for contact with the crystal."

"Y'know, you might want to get an-" Jim stopped as his eyes fell on the aforementioned rock. Instead of the purely off-white color it had been before the two of them had crashed into it, the crystal now was now blood-red in the center, lightening in shade as it went to the edges.

"Hey… what happened to the crystal? It wasn't that color earlier, was it?"

"O-Oh, dear…" A shaky voice said behind them. One of the cat people, an older, gray-tinted tigress wearing purple robes with an intricate design on them stepped forward, a worried look on her face. Behind her, a smaller, younger looking tigress wore a similar expression.

"Are you in charge here?" Kirk asked.

"I am the matriarchal head of this clan, yes." She answered.

"Great. Mind telling us what the heck's up with this thing?" He asked, gesturing to the crystal.

The elder swallowed nervous. "Yes, well, um… the crystal… has to do with bhelegmh."

"Come again?" Kirk asked.

"It has to do with b… b… biology, sir."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "And what, pray tell, is the part this crystal has to do with?"

Kirk wasn't sure, but he thought he saw the old cat flush. "That is to say, it has to do with… propagating the species."

"Propagating the species? Oh, you mean like se-"

Suddenly the younger tigress covered her ears. "La la la, I can't hear you, we aren't talking about things that are extremely gross, la la la!"

The elder smacked the young female upside her head. "Quiet! Do not act like such a cub!"

"But what the human speaks of is gross and messy and sweaty! We have the crystals so we do not have to engage in such activities!" She whined.

Kirk held out a hand, stopping her. "Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying that these crystals are used to create new life on your planet?"

"… Yes. That is exactly it, sir."

Kirk laughed. "Then I guess we're okay, then! I mean, since Spock and I are both guys, there's no way for any kind of life to be conceived."

"AUGH! GROSS GROSS GROSS!"

"Sorry. Well, if that's everything, I think we can get outta here! Try to keep yourselves from getting invaded again!"

The elder tigress opened her mouth to reply, but the Captain and crew of the Enterprise (along with the captured monkey people) had already beamed themselves up to their ship.

"[Elder Katunasha, shouldn't we have informed them of the specifics of the crystal?]"

The old woman sighed, looking over at the crystal, fixating on the swirling crimson center. "[It doesn't matter, they'll find out soon enough.]"

-Where No Man Has Gone Before—

One year later…

Kirk yawned, not because he was tired, but because he was so. Damn. Bored. Seriously, he never thought he'd get so bored being the Captain of a huge spaceship, but it seemed he could surprise even himself. What made matters worse is that Spock wasn't there for him to bug endlessly (which was still a lot of fun, even after almost two years of working on the same ship), or at least stare at those ears. No, Spock had to go, 'Oversee an important experiment'. Which basically meant Spock was trying to make sure the labs didn't blow up… again. On their own, a pissed McCoy or Scotty was just plain annoying, but together… Yeesh. Not fun.

Also, Uhura disabled games on his PADD when she caught him playing Tetris on it instead of looking at reports.

So now, Jim was a very bored spaceship Captain without even Tetris to entertain him.

"Argh, I'm so BORED!"

"Then work." Uhura deadpanned.

"But that's boooooring! I want something fun to do!"

Right as he said that, a loud ping sounded, signifying Scotty calling up from Engineering.

"Scotty, please tell me you have something for me to do!"

The Scotsman hesitated. "Well, it's not exactly somethin' fer ya tah do per se, Cap'n."

Kirk frowned in confusion. "Explain, Scotty."

"Do ye remember the cat people ye saved from the monkeys about a year ago, Cap'n?"

"Gonna need to be more specific."

"Well, I believe ye described 'em as 'A furry, whiny bunch o' prudes', sir."

"Ah! Yeah, I remember them. What about it?"

"… Ya may just wanna head over tah the transport bay, Cap'n. Scotty out."

-SPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIRRRRRRRRRRRRK!—

"Okay, Scotty, what's the matter this- Oh, hello, Spock, why are you here?"

"Mr. Scott has also requested my presence, Captain."

Jim turned to stare at the Scotsman, but instead found himself staring at a very familiar looking old feline.

"Greetings, Captain Kirk." She said, her expressing remaining stoic.

"GAH! Good God, where'd you come from?"

"That matter is unimportant. What is important right now is that I give you what belongs to both you and the Vulcan."

Spock perked an eyebrow.

"… Come again?" Jim asked intelligently.

The tigress sighed, producing a large white bundle she had somehow hidden in her robes. "My people have held this for as long as we can, but it is against both our cultures laws and ethics to keep something from its creators any longer than we have already."

"Okay, lady, just what the hell are you even talking about-?"

He was interrupted by a sudden noise.

Specifically, a noise coming from the large white bundle.

A noise like crying.

Specifically, a crying baby.

The elder turned the bundle in her arms, revealing a little pale-skinned girl with wisps of blonde hair starting to grow in front of her eyes.

The baby girl also had pointed ears and warm brown eyes.

"Captain Kirk, Commander Spock, this is your daughter. She was born three months ago today, Terran date April 3, 2254."

At that moment, James Tiberius Kirk did the most unmanly, unawesome thing he'd ever done.

He blacked out and fell to the floor.

A/N: So? How was it? Good? Bad? Enough to make a Vulcan go completely and utterly nuts? Let me know! R&R!

Also, the italicized words in brackets are the cat people's language.

Also, anyone who catches either the Yugioh Abridged or the My Little Pony: FiM references is awesome.