Characters: Iruka, Kakashi, Genma, Raido, Asuma, Gai (KakaIru, Gen/Iru, Rai/Gen, Asuma/'baccy)
Story Summery: Four Jounin and a Chuunin are stuck on a deserted tropical island with no way off. Iruka is slowly going insane from the Jounin's wierdness, while unbeknownst to him both Genma and Kakashi are competing for his affections. Meanwhile, Raido tries to distract Genma, and Asuma spirals down the unpredictable world of tobacco withdrawl. And where is Gai?

Notes: I still dedicate this ficness to mah friend amoralambiguity from LiveJournal And yes, it is unbeta'd and full of errors, so please don't take this story seriously (I know I don't! XD) WARNING! This story is full of stoopidness and is chock full of yoainess, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Flames will only be pointed and laughed at for my own amusement, so don't bother.


Iruka's Island

Ch. 1: A bunch of coconuts

Ship's Log Entry, Date XXX

It has been over a week since the 'Beautiful Youth' has wrecked and brought us to this accursed deserted island. Six Konoha shinobi had been sent off on a top secret vacation by the Godaime herself. The Konoha shinobi consisted of Maito Gai, Hatake Kakashi, Sarutobi Asuma, Shiranui Genma, Ahinami Raido, and myself, Umino Iruka. I may never know what reasoning had prompted Tsunade-sama to send us off on an enforced vacation, nor might I ever find out what sort of insanity had possessed her to appoint Maito Gai as the captain of the 'Beautiful Youth.' As fate would have it, 'Captain' Gai had sailed us directly into a storm, and as a result we were swept off course and eventually ran aground in a reef near a tropical island. The ship had been wrecked beyond repair, and we had lost all means of radio contact. Of the six of us, Maito Gai has gone missing overboard, and is now our first casualty in this hostile environment–

"Hey Iruka!"

I am still wondering what, by the Third's beard possessed the Godaime to blackmail me along with these insufferable jounin. Perhaps it is because I never had used any of my vacation time. Now, we are being forced to live in uncomfortable temperatures and uncivilized territory, I do not know how much longer we may have to survive–

"Iruka Sensei?"

–no matter what hardships we may encounter, the persistence and courage of the Konoha shinobi will prev-

"IRUKA!"

Umino Iruka slammed the ships log shut and shot an icy glare up at the intruder who dared to disturbed him-or rather, two intruders: Hatake Kakashi and Sarutobi Asuma. "What do you want?" he snapped.

Asuma figited under Iruka's glare, guilt stamped across his rugged features. "I-I was wondering if you had any cigarettes on you..."

Iruka sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose in an attempt to control his waning patience. "For the last time Asuma-sensei, I don't smoke, in which there is a good chance that I don't have any cigarettes!"

Asuma pouted, making a face that reminded Iruka of an oversized hairy puppy. "But if you DO find any lying around, you'll save them for me, right?"

"Yeah sure, whatever." Iruka waved Asuma off and directed his attention to Kakashi. "And why are you here?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Oh, I was wondering if you had seen any suspicious looking pelicans flying around?"

Iruka raised an eyebrow at the strange jounin, who raised an eyebrow back at him. "Um...no." Iruka finally replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, just curious." With that said, Kakashi spun on his heels and ambled off down the beach for his afternoon stroll.

'Weirdo.' Iruka thought. Unable to concentrate on the ship's log any longer, he gathered up the equipment and made his way to the makeshift hut with Asuma following at his heels.

During the first two days after being shipwrecked, the Konoha ninjas had been hard at work putting together their skills of masonry, carpentry and electrical wiring to construct a meager shelter made mostly of driftwood, palm leaves and the remains of 'The Beautiful Youth' ship. By the third day, they had assembled hammocks, storage compartments, bottle openers, and an outlet for the single surviving electric razor.

Asuma continued to pester the hapless chuunin all the way into the hut. "You gotta help me Iruka, I'm on my last pack! We gotta find me some 'baccy or who knows what will happen to me!"

"Just chew on a stick." Shiranui Genma suggested from one of the indoor hammocks. "It always helps me when I'm itchin' for a cig."

Ahinami Raido, who swung from a hammock across from Genma raised his eyebrows in surprise. "I didn't know you smoked!"

Genma shrugged. "Tried it, and decided it was too expensive. It takes away from my porn fund."

Raido chuckled, his burn scar wrinkling at the motion. "I'll bet Kakashi's been tearing his hair out these last few days! The poor fella had lost his Icha Icha books overboard during the wreck!"

Iruka had been ignoring the conversation until now. "Hmph. Maybe it will do him a bit of good." The chuunin sat down at the weathered driftwood table. "He will have to find something else to occupy himself other than read those books!"

"Yes...something else!" Genma's eyes glinted perversely towards Iruka's direction (of which the academy teacher missed the leer entirely).

Raido noticed Genma's sudden interest in the chuunin and jumped for a change of subject. "Ahem, too bad for Gai, I wonder if he survived the wreck?"

"I wouldn't worry too much about him." Asuma rolled his eyes. "I've seen that nut swimming up and down the Konoha river every Wednesday morning, come rain or shine– even in the winter!"

Genma chewed on his senbon thoughtfully. "I wonder if he could swim to Konoha?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Iruka bent over the table to sort through some foraged nuts. "No one can swim that far out into open sea. It is physically impossible."

Asuma took a dreg from his final cigarette butt, savoring the last bit of tobacco goodness stored within the filter. "Unless, Gai had help from dolphins. I've heard of that happening." Asuma perked up from a thought. "Hey Iruka..."

The chuunin stiffened. 'Here it comes...'

"Can you summon dolphins?"

Iruka's left eye twitched (as it usually did when he was on the brink of an explosion) and answered a little too sweetly. "What gave you that idea?"

Asuma scratched his head in embarrassment. "Ah, well...aren't you named 'Iruka' for a reason?"

"My mother had a fondness for porpoises." Iruka flung a bad nut out the window. "And for the last time Asuma-sensei, I. Cannot. Summon. Dolphins!" Obviously, this was a tired question.

"There is no need to get upset Iruka-sensei." Kakashi popped into the hut, holding the bad nut Iruka had tossed out between two fingers.

The chuunin snorted sarcastically. "There's plenty of reason to be upset! We're trapped on a deserted island and no one here seems to want to leave!"

Genma sat up from his hammock. "We've done the best we can do, Iruka. Right now we should concentrate on the present and learn to adapt to this environment."

"I don't think I can survive!" Asuma mournfully gathered up his pile of cigarette butts. "I'm off to give a proper funeral to my little 'baccy friends. I fear dark days are ahead my comrades." With trowel in hand, Asuma sadly trundled out the door.

Raido shuddered "I hope he doesn't get like Tsunade-sama when she's sober."

There was a collective gulp among the shinobi.

Feeling a bit foolish at his recent behavior, Iruka decided to make amends. Turning to Kakashi, he scratched his head and fumbled for an apology. "Erm, I apologize that I had snapped at you and Asuma-san earlier. I've been a bit irritable as of late.."

Kakashi looked Iruka over. "Perhaps you're irritable from all those layers you have on."

Of all the surviving Konoha ninjas, only Iruka remained in full uniform. The jounin were all in various states of undress due to the sweltering heat. Genma was bare chested and barefoot, Raido had rolled up his pant legs and was in a tank top, and Kakashi had shed his vest and remained in his undershirt and mask.

Iruka smiled. "Thank you, but I'd rather keep my uniform on. The heat does not bother me too much."

Genma grinned, following Kakashi's ploy. "You should at least take off that shirt and enjoy the sun!"

"Really, Iruka." Kakashi's single eye contained a perverse gleam. "You might get heat stroke. Besides, a bit of a tan can do you good!"

"I-I'm perfectly fine!" Iruka looked at both men a little sourly, unsure of why he was feeling flustered. "N-now if you excuse me, I'm off to get more coconuts!" He dashed out the hut like a turkey escaping on Thanksgiving day.

Genma shot Kakashi an accusing glare. "Smooth Hatake, you scared him off!"

"It was you who pushed the subject." Kakashi sniffed, looking rather miffed. "And now if you excuse me, I'm off to go take my late afternoon stroll down the beach."

"Oh, no you don't!" Genma scrambled off his hammock to stand nose to nose with the other jounin. "I'm not going to let you 'stroll' off to Iruka without a fight!"

"Iruka!" Raido scowled with jealousy. "Genma, Why would you go for Iruka? He's not worth fighting for."

" GASP Not worth fighting for?" Both Kakashi and Genma whipped their heads around at Raido, their faces stamped with horror at what the scarred jounin had just dared uttered.

"I've been after Iruka-sensei for months. " Kakashi glared at Genma. "It wasn't 'till we got stranded here that I found out that this toothpick chomper was doing the same!"

"Who you callin' a toothpick chomper, Cyclops?" Genma glared at his rival. "This is the perfect time and place to nag him, and I won't be having you getting in the way!"

Kakashi sprang away from Genma and started making complex hand seals. "Let's settle this here and now!"

Genma snarled and pulled out a kunai. "Bring it on!"

"Now just hold on one fuckin' minute!" Raido stepped in between the two angry jounins, waving his arms around in desperation to calm the conflict before things got ugly. "We're all adults here, there are other ways to settle this!"

"You're right." Genma sighed and put away his weapon, he looked at Raido with a warm smile. "Violence won't do while we need to depend on each other for survival, we must rely on our gut feelings to get us through."

Raido returned the smile, hope fluttered in his heart. "Genma, I've been meaning to tell you that I–"

"We'll make a wager on him!" Genma grinned, pleased at his own brightness.

Raido's jaw dropped.

"Splendid idea!" Kakashi clapped his hands together in delight, his single visible eye curved with glee. "I know, how about we wager that the first one to get him out of his clothes gets first dibs!"

"Harharhar!" Genma chortled. "I like the way you think, it's a bet!" They exchanged the sacred exchange of Pinky Swear to seal the deal, much to the horror of Raido.

"Th-theres's other ways to resolve this Genma! How about a friendly game of charades? Or Twister? I'll be the judge!"

"Nah, I like this idea of getting out dear sensei in the buff more appealing" he smirked at his one eyed rival. "And I intend to be the one a-peeling that vest off!"

Kakashi's eye glared at Genma. "We still need to decide who will go after Iruka-sensei first" he crackled his knuckles loudly "We must engage in the ancient battle of 'Jun Ken Po!'"

"Agreed!" Genma readied his fist, his face set with determination.

"Jun,Ken..." They paused briefly before uttering the final word, their eyes hard with competitive spirit. Everything rested on that last word. "PO!"

Genma smiled in triumph as his fist beat Kakashi's two splayed fingers.

"Nooooooo!" Kakashi wailed. "Lets do best out of three!"

"Yes! Best out of three!" Raido desperately echoed.

Genma spun his kunai on one finger in a little victory twirl before stuffing it back into his belt pouch. "Now if you two gentlemen could excuse me, I have a dolphin to catch!"

Kakashi watched Genma leave with the fire of battle in his eyes. 'I will NOT lose Iruka-sensei to him, never!'


Iruka had to travel far along the coast before he could find a palm tree that carried coconuts fit for eating. Tossing the basket aside, he took off his shoes and rolled up his sleeves in preparation for climbing. He was just about to skirt up the smooth trunk when he sensed a presence behind him.

Grabbing the kunai from his mouth, Iruka spun around to challenge the intuder, but was saved the trouble when the said intruder revealed himself from a large flowering bush.

"Oh, Genma-san." Iruka blinked in confusion as he lowered the weapon. "What are you doing here?"

Genma shrugged his bare and well tanned shoulders. "Oh, I thought that I should come and help you with the coconut picking. Two sets of arms are better than one, ya know."

"Oh." Iruka gave Genma a small smile. "I'd appreciate the help Genma-san."

'Hehe, I got him to smile!' Genma thought gleefully and returned the chaste smile to hide his not very chaste thoughts. "Then why don't we get started?"

"Yo." Kakashi popped out from behind a pineapple bush.

Both Iruka and Genma jumped when Kakashi made his entrance.

The lazy jounin strolled over to Iruka and quite cheerfully patted his shoulder. "I was just taking my late afternoon stroll when I happened to overhear your conversation." He bowed respectfully. "Iruka sensei, may I have the honor of collecting your nuts?"

"Erm..." Iruka swallowed nervously, a little apprehensive at Kakashi's sudden helpfulness. Behind him, Genma glared daggers of death at Kakashi.

"Two's company, but three's a crowd Kakashi." Genma drawled, his eyes glowering with challenge."A third person might get in the way while I'm gathering nuts."

"Its all a matter of how you handle them." Kakashi winked at Iruka. "Certain nuts should only be handled with nimble fingers!"

"I might smash a few if you get in the way!" Genma growled.

"That's enough!" Iruka cried, shoving the two rivals apart. "I have plenty of nuts to go around!" He shoved the empty basket into Kakashi's hands. "I'll go pick the coconuts, you two catch them as they fall, and don't break any of them!"

Genma and Kakashi watched in silence at the irritated chuunin shimmed up the coconut tree with a huff at the two jounin's childish behavior.

Once Iruka was out of ear shot, Genma whistled over his senbon in amazement. "How could he miss all that innuendo?"

Kakashi glared from his one visible eye and covered himself protectively with his basket. "You just keep away from MY nuts!"


By the time evening descended, the three Konoha shinobi had gathered over a dozen ripe coconuts to nearly overflow the woven basket. Both Genma and Kakashi had briefly squabbled over who would carry the heavy basket for the chuunin, but had resolved to share the burden by each grasping a handle from either end.

"I wonder what's for dinner?" Genma wondered when he heard his stomach grumble loudly.

Iruka shrugged. "Its Raido's turn to cook tonight. Knowing him, he'll make seaweed and coconut soup again. Ugh."

"Yeah, he has a thing for putting coconuts into anything." Genma agreed.

Kakashi noticed that Genma was losing his grip on the basket handle. "What's wrong?"

"N-Nothing really." Genma forced a smile over chattering teeth. "J-Just got a little c-c-chilly all of a sudden, that's all."

"Genma-san!" Iruka cried, horrifed. "You know that it gets cold by the ocean at night, why did you leave your shirt behind?"

Genma shivered violently. "I guess I forgot in my rush to catch up with you." He smiled bravely. "Don't worry about me Iruka, I'll be fine."

"I will not! Here," Iruka pulled off his vest and draped it over Genma's shoulders. "You'll stay warm in this until we reach the hut."

Kakashi scowled darkly at Genma. "Why you little–"

"We should get going." Genma tugged his side of the basket to drag Kakashi along, smirking triumphantly as he did so. "I don't want dear Iruka to catch a cold!"

Kakashi muttered something nasty to himself. The shirigan-user had no intention of allowing Genma to gain the upper claw in this dastardly plot to win the chuunin's affections, and vowed to begin his retaliation the next day!

TBC


Notes: 'Jun Ken Po' is also known as 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' in case you didn't know.