Sunday
"Hay, ho," Rick smiled as he came down the stairs and around the corner to the kitchen extension "Another glorious Sunday!" He took a chair next to one of his fellow students, not really classified as a friend judging by the fact that Rick is always abusing him verbally, a hippie called Neil. "Nothing to do but sit around all day, relax and do absolutely nothing!" he leaned back comfortably, purposely shoving his breakfast, Lentils O Slop as he would have called it, across the table and threw the spoon along with it, all of which nearly flew onto Mike, another of Rick's "friends".
"Watch it, Rick, that could've gone all over me." He said, not looking up and staring at the "graphic" side of the paper.
Rick just pulled a face at him and continued to sigh happily.
"Well, that's all we ever do, Rick." Neil murmured referring to Rick's previous statement about the glory of Sunday.
Rick mumbled a curse under his breath and then spoke his reply loudly "You're such a bore, Neil! For Cliff's sake, stop being so Emo and be optimistic for once," he then decided to add "You stupid, bloody hippie!"
"You say the same insult to me every time and I'm not being Emo, I just don't see what's so great about another day of me being abused…" Neil sounded sulkily.
Thud
"I honestly don't know why I even bother saying good morning to you, Neil." Rick continued.
Thud
"But you never say good morning to me anyway! You just ignore me and expect me to do everything around this house."
Thud
"I cook, I clean, I look after the house, I seem to be the one who always pays out for the multiple operations your 96 year-old great grandma needs every month at precisely 5:30 in the morning, which is actually," Neil continued.
Thud
"The same time the morning special comes on at the strip club down the street next to the small corner shop that sells dogs and,"
"Shhh!" Thud Rick waved his hands in front of Neil frantically for him to shut up but Neil continued despite Rick's pleading.
Thud
"I know that you never go in because you are a coward and run away before you even take a step inside, therefore swindling our money off and-" Rick suddenly grabbed his unwanted breakfast and slammed it into Neil's head causing him to collapse unconscious on the floor.
The mention of wasted money caught Mike's attention "Rick, what did Neil mean by "swindling our money off"?"
Rick searched for an excuse "Uh…" he looked around the room hopelessly.
Thud
"What is that thudding noise? It's giving me a headache!" He shouted quickly changing the subject.
"Oh, that's Vyvyan." Mike answered and pointed outside, forgetting his thought of Rick's money-wasting.
Thud
"Well, what is he doing?" Rick peered out of the window, which was so dirty it was almost impossible to see out of.
Thud
"Oh, this is stupid." He then made the wise choice to actually open the door and see what his rival was doing outside.
Vyvyan sat on the ground with a cricket bat in his hand. He swung it up and knocked himself in the head, Thud, but didn't even flinch. It was obvious he had been sitting there a while, he had bags under his eyes and two bottles of empty Vodka thrown behind him. He must've been up way before the others bothered to even think about waking up. He swung it up again. Thud
"Uh… Vyvyan," Rick began, laughing, trying to sound hearty but snorting in between, which received a quick disgusted glance from Vyv before he thudded his head again. Thud "Wh-what are you doing?"
"None of your business." Was his spat out reply. Rick waited for an insult to follow but none came. Thud
He wandered closer and leant forward so he could see Vyvyan face to face but was in whacking range "Well… Me, Neil and Mike… Not Neil, actually, he's a heartless bastard-"
"What's your point?" Vyvyan yelled, becoming aggravated with Rick's pestering.
Rick jumped back startled but Vyv's sudden burst and continued quickly without pause "Me and the guys were just wondering why you've been out here since morning repeatedly beating your face in with a cricket bat and haven't even bothered to yell at Neil for some breakfast or insult anyone today."
Vyvyan halted his forehead's next collision with the bat and mumbled something quietly and bent his head low.
Rick edged closer "Uh... Yes, the ground looks very lovely today, doesn't it?" He spoke loudly, failing horribly at trying to encourage Vyvyan to do some violence other than merely beating himself with a bat.
"…" Vyvyan stood and stomped off inside, pushing past Rick causing him to fall over and land in a pile of mud. As he reached the back door, Neil was coming out and he shoved the hippie to the side and grabbed a chair from the kitchen and took it upstairs.
Neil turned from Vyvyan to Rick "Rick, why are you sitting in a mound of dirt and mud in the middle of the garden?"
Rick pulled a face at him "I'm trying to find evidence of your obvious relation to pigs, Neil."
"What, by rolling around in mud?"
"I'm not rolling around in mud, I just fell in you stupid prat!" Rick yelled. He managed to scrape off the muck and wiped what remained on Neil before dragging him inside. As they entered the house, they saw what was left of the chair Vyvyan took up come flying down the stairs, which was followed, by multiple strips of toilet paper and an empty 5lt can of fairy liquid, a hiccup sounded soon after.
Rick stumbled clumsily to the bottom of the stairs and peered up for a brief second before turning back to his fellow flat mates "What the hell is wrong with him today?"
Mike looked up from his paper, a serious and concerned look on his face. He gestured for both Neil and Rick to sit down and as they did so he leaned forward. The two listened eagerly "I don't know." Was all Mike said before he sat back and returned to his paper, leaving Rick and Neil still leaning forward.
Eventually, they relaxed. "So… What do you mean you don't know?" Neil asked "I thought you, like, knew everything that happened with everyone in this house."
Mike glanced at Neil "Look, Neil, I may appear godly, but the truth is, and this, guys, is shocking, I'm only human."
Neil frowned, trying to make sense of what Mike had just said.
Rick scratched his head "Hey! I know! Why don't we all pretend to be insane and then, when we're sent to the asylum, we act all normal and when we are sent back here, Vyvyan would've been on his own for a day, and you know what he's like without all of us, he would be so over the moon when we're back that he'd be happy and back to cracking my head against the wall in no time!" He smiled as he went over his "plan" again in his head but then slowly began to realize why Neil and Mike hadn't answered "Fine, what about you guys then, got any better plans that will flaw my magnificent thinking?" he barked and crossed his arms expectantly.
"Maybe he's just, like, really depressed, right? Because, you know, right, he's always, like, bored, yeah? Maybe that's why." Neil suggested while doing exaggerated gestures.
"Oh shut up, Neil!" Rick growled "It's a Sunday, what do you expect? All the bloody priests and vicars and… uh… eunuchs, are in church getting all the pathetic people to worship them and some "God" and they even give money to the church! I mean, what for? It's not like it hasn't got enough! Bloody Christians… Every single Sunday there is no sign of life around the world because all the Christians are busy worshipping the "Priestly Ones" who are just a bunch of drunken old farts."
"You should really learn the definition of eunuchs, Rick." Mike said as he made a grab for the cold breakfast he had ignored until now.
"So… You mean every day is a Sunday, minus the worshipping drunken old farts thing?" Neil asked after a long silence following Rick's long statement, alas, he only continued."
"Don't forget all those Nuns!" He continued.
"What about them?" Mike asked from over the top of his lentil bowl.
"The church is taking away all the birds, you see, and turning them into Nuns so strapping young lads like me never get a chance for some rumpy hump now and again-"
"Rick, you never had a chance, even before you were born! Not then, not now, not in the near future not in the far future not even when you finally snuff it and leave us all in peace will you ever have a chance with a bird, Never, never, never, never ever!" Vyvyan shouted as he plodded down the stairs heavily, twiddling his long, beloved dagger between the fingers of one hand while the other pulled out a chair from under Rick, sending him sprawling backwards onto the floor, and he fell lazily onto it.
Rick flailed about as he struggled to stand and he glared, wide-eyed, at the back of Vyvyan's head.
"And please don't do that Rick," Vyvyan added "It hurts my head."
Rick made a strangling motion around Vyvyan's neck but managed to control himself and sat down slowly, still burning into his enemies' skull.
Vyvyan kept a strong face and relaxed, titling his chair backwards and putting his feet onto the table and fiddled with the point of his dagger.
The four were silent for a few minutes, not exchanging glances or muttering. They didn't even flinch when a small black and tan Chihuahua waltzed in through the front door's doggy flap and decided to relieve itself on the table, right in front of the four students. It then shook, hopped down and trotted back outside with a piece of newspaper attached to it's back leg.
"Neil," Rick spoke finally "Clean it up." He kept his glare, however, on Vyvyan.
"Oh, yeah, right. Just because I'm the only one who knows what Dettol is, it's up to me to clean up dog pee…" Despite his reluctance, he trudged around the corner and came back with tissues and Dettol.
A few minutes passed before Vyvyan decided to inquire about the dog "If it's a boy dog, then why does it squat when it pees?"
"Well," Rick snapped back to a casual tone "It's obviously had it's nads chopped off."
The mention of this caused Vyvyan, Neil, and Mike to look down for a brief sec and sigh with relief. Rick only joined them too late.
Mike turned backwards to throw his bowl on the counter behind him "So, Vyvyan, is there a reason for you stirring so early from your pit, this morning?" he inquired.
Vyvyan looked at him, then Rick and then Neil who just sat down after mopping up the dog pee. He didn't reply and kept his head down low.
"Come on Vyvyan, we are like family, you can tell us anything!" Mike added.
"Yeah, c'mon, Vyv, what's up?" Neil encouraged.
"Well, as long as you don't tell us what you do in the bathroom, it's fine!" Rick's words may have been less motivating but were meaningful nonetheless.
The guys thought they saw the faintest hint of a smile appear on Vyvyan's face but he covered it by wiping his nose on his arm adding a disturbing noise "It doesn't matter." He mumbled.
Everyone moved closer and tried to kindly inquire about his behavior. Eventually, Vyvyan gave them their answer.
"If you really wanna, know…" he hesitated "Wouldn't you be slightly miffed if people ignored your birthday since you were born?"
Rick gasped, Mike frowned and Neil sighed "No, I wouldn't be miffed because you all know when it's my birthday and you ignore me completely anyways so that day isn't really all that different, right. I mean I tried shouting surprise while holding a cake but that never worked so I guess I just have to never age because you can't really age unless you have birthdays-" He was cut off as he was knocked unconscious by Vyvyan flicking his dagger at a specific pressure point on his forehead.
"I hate it when he does that." Rick muttered as he sneered at Neil's limp body on the floor.
"Yeah, bloody hippies." Vyvyan added.
Yay! dances another Young Ones fic! Critisism is welcome but remember, im doing it all for fun ;p
