Purple Prose from Cellblock 74: The Risian Ribald
Author: Christina and the VS 7.5 writing staff
Summary: In celebration of the anniversary of their return from the depths of the Delta Quadrant, this edition of the "Risian Ribald", the pleasure planet's very own news journal will be devoted entirely to the Federation Starship Voyager and her crew. Along with our regular features, we'll bring you up to date news and views about the long lost ship and her crew. Questions will be answered...and asked. Old mysteries will be solved and new ones will be explored. You don't want to miss this special edition of the Ribald. Available on newsvids October 28th.
Extra, Extra... read all about it.
Nunk stood patiently in the mail call line, knowing that to do anything else would invite snide comments - and he was tired of the cracks the other prisoners continuously made about his lobes. He suspected that was why his brother was always indisposed at mail call.
"Nunk or Blont, you have mail."
Nunk stepped forward and took the package. The Klingon guard snarled something at another prisoner. "From your mother," he said. "Now why would she be sending you such dishonorable material? The warden has okayed it."
Nunk wondered why Blont wanted to read about Voyager. Nunk preferred to forget about that ship - but Blont continued to scheme.
Blont was in their cell when he arrived. "It's been three months and I asked Moogie to send this to us every month." He snatched the PADD. "Well, well...*Now* she sends us the Anniversary Issue."
"Blont, why do this to us. The hoo-mans have a saying about putting chemicals in open wounds..."
Blont glared at him, and Nunk sat down on his bunk without another word.
Blont grinned. "I was correct, Starfleet has no intention of sharing Voyager's technology with anyone. But, little brother, it's not all in vain." Blont's wicked grin grew. "I have a plan..."
Nunk shivered. Perhaps he should ask the warden for another cell. "Yes, Brother."
"But, right now, Voyager. Get over here and read this to me. This could be very interesting."
Nunk obediently stood and moved closer to take the PADD. "The Risian Ribald? Wouldn't the Federation Daily tell us more?" He didn't duck fast enough. Blont's fist landed on his right lobe. Nunk didn't dare rub it, fearful Blont would strike again. He wished he'd remained a courier for their uncle. At least that job wouldn't have landed him in jail - or at least it was less likely it would have.
He started to read.
Delta Quadrant: Murder, Mayhem and Nanoprobes
by Harmon Brando
A tale of intriguing galactic consequences that Starfleet would prefer remained locked behind the screen of a heroic epic myth.
For eight years Voyager was supposedly lost in the Delta Quadrant. And through apparent use of alien technology, including the Borg transwarp, the ship and her crew miraculously found a way home.
What better story for Starfleet to cover up - it's own illegal research in technology that has been banned at home. Is it more than coincidence that Voyager's return came just months before Starfleet announced they are building three - not one - but three ships capable of transwarp speeds?
Starfleet scientists have been trying to achieve transwarp for years. They believed such technology was vital in their campaign to destroy the Borg. Voyager wasn't lost, but misplaced by this Federation obsession. Unnamed sources have confirmed that nine years ago Voyager had been fitted with what's called a transwarp coil, to take them into Borg Space.
And here's another coincidence. At the moment of her arrival in the Delta Quadrant, the ship's transwarp coil *broke*. It took Voyager eight years to get home. Eight years of searching for a way home, Starfleet says. Yet the transwarp wasn't repaired until AFTER Voyager found the Borg.
And Voyager had nanoprobes designed specifically to mutilate and destroy the Borg drones forever. Bioweapons have been banned by the Federation, and rightly so, yet Voyager had them.
Starfleet is very proud of their *new* Borg technology, but not so proud of how it was REALLY created.
What did Starfleet do that they don't want people to know the truth?
In yet another coincidence, Voyager's entire medical staff and many of their senior scientists *died* early in the voyage. The very people who would have raised the ethical considerations regarding the use such a bioweapon.
A voyage of many coincidences or a voyage of intrigue and secrecy? The cover mission - to capture a renegade Maquis cell in the Badlands - a long way from the Delta Quadrant. Yet on Voyager's return, instead of prosecuting the Maquis, they were all pardoned. Another sham in the torrid tale of lies and deceit.
The Borg are amoral - and to defeat them, Starfleet chose to become like them. What's to stop them from continuing along this dark path?
"I knew there had to be another reason for our illegal imprisonment in the middle of nowhere. We knew the truth," Blont said with a satisfactory smile.
"Proxima prison isn't exactly in the middle..." Nunk didn't finish his sentence. Blont was considered by the family to have excellent lobes for business, and Nunk wasn't about to contradict his family - at least out loud.
"Read the next one," Blont said as he leaned back on his bunk and crossed his arms.
"I have work detail in ten minutes," Nunk said. Blont frowned. Nunk didn't dare say anything else. Blont had not approved of Nunk volunteering - it was not good business, the pay wasn't enough. Nunk had his eye on early parole, not that he'd told Blont that. He saw it as a chance to gain his independence from his brother.
"Read on," Blont snarled.
Nunk obediently went to the next article, and grinned. "Ooooo. Look at those fingers." Blont grabbed the PADD
"Look at the ridges. I do like my women to have ridges. She's only half Klingon. Do you think she's anything like full-blooded Klingon females?" Blont tossed the PADD back to Nunk. "I've heard about this triangle. Vulcans...Bah."
This month's Uncovered feature: Triangle of Passion
by Jules Aveenez
As we approach the one year anniversary of Voyager's return to the Alpha quadrant, one has to wonder if there are any stories left to tell. The recent holonovel now occupying the top of the bestseller lists, The Pilot and the Engineer: A Delta Quadrant Love Affair, is the "unofficial" account of the steamy romance between roguish ex-con turned Starfleet hero Tom Paris and tempestuous half- Klingon Maquis turned Starfleet miracle engineer B'Elanna Torres. In that popular account, passion and temper flare in equal proportion as the two ardent lovers struggle to find their destiny amid the wonders and dangers of the Delta quadrant.
We know how the story ended - in wedded bliss and a now two- year-old daughter, who rumor has it, incorporates the exotic beauty of her mother and the easy charm of her father. But how did it really begin?
According to the celebrated holonovel, it was the steady and persistent wooing of the hotshot pilot that eventually won over the reluctant engineer. However this intrepid reporter has uncovered additional information that suggests the torrid romance was actually set in motion by a single incident, and by passions born of raging hormones, secret desires, and a mysterious "fever." And it involved not only Paris and Torres but a third member of Voyager's stalwart crew - yes, a veritable TRIANGLE OF PASSION.
The stardate was 50537.2, the setting a planet deep in the Delta Quadrant called Sikari, the mission to locate the mineral galacite in a cave system deep below the planet's surface. Another routine mission according to the official ship's log, but we know that official logs never tell the whole story, or even the best parts of it. Other sources indicate it was a mission gone awry, and it is the medical logs of the ship's loquacious holographic doctor - recently obtained by this determined reporter - that give tantalizing glimpses of what really happened during that "routine" mission. To quote:
"Mister Neelix has fully recovered from his injury sustained in a fall during the away mission on Sikari. But no sooner did I release him from Sickbay than Commander Tuvok called to inform me that three more patients were beaming up from the planet. That old adage - a doctor's work is never done - is so true. I successfully treated Lieutenant Torres' fever, which has now abated. Her serotonin levels are near normal again, and there should be no lasting effects from her experience other than a slight memory loss due to the fever and her extremely high metabolic rate. And perhaps some embarrassment from the memories she does retain.
"Lieutenant Paris sustained only minor lacerations and bruises, and I released him, though he seemed reluctant to leave Lieutenant Torres. However his baleful glares at Ensign Vorik were disrupting my concentration, so I threw him out.
"As for the instigator, he sustained various bruises, three broken ribs and a moderate concussion. Ensign Vorik will fully recover, though the best news is that his serotonin level has naturally returned to the minimal level typical of Vulcans. It appears the physical...altercation has cured his condition. I will keep the ensign here overnight for observation, and release him tomorrow.
"Meanwhile, I can finally get back to work on penning my latest opera, now that all is back to normal. I'm extremely grateful this only happens once every seven years."
Once every seven years? That sounds familiar, does it not? Especially when you combine the phrase "every seven years" with the word "Vulcan." And when you consider the following medical log excerpt, recorded just hours before the Sikari mission began:
"I have repaired Ensign Vorik's dislocated jaw. Considering the pinpoint accuracy of Lieutenant Torres's right hook he's lucky it wasn't broken. Regarding the ensign's underlying, uh...condition, I have little experience in that area. I have administered medication to regulate his serotonin levels, which will hopefully correct the chemical imbalance. According to Commander Tuvok, intense meditation is one method of dealing with the ensign's condition. We certainly can't return to Vulcan, and allowing the ensign to approach any more unsuspecting officers isn't an option. In the meantime, I am reviewing all medical records dealing with this condition in the hope of finding other answers should the meditation be insufficient to overcome the ensign's problem."
Was Ensign Vorik simply having a very bad day? Or, dare we utter the obvious words that by now are humming in our brains...Pon Farr? Yes, that secret "condition," that Vulcan mating urge which strikes every seven years. Though little is known about its biochemical nature due to those spoilsport Vulcans, perhaps we now know one more fact about the notorious Pon Farr - IT'S CONTAGIOUS!
After all, can it be a coincidence that after an altercation with Ensign Vorik in his "condition" Lieutenant Torres suddenly developed an unexplained "fever"? That they both had highly elevated serotonin levels? And consider the doctor's concern that Ensign Vorik not approach any other unsuspecting officers. Can there be any doubt that Ensign Vorik tried to initiate Pon Farr - oh, please, can we just call that Vulcan for "incredible, mind-blowing (literally) sex"? - with Lieutenant Torres, who rejected him but soon found herself infected by the same desperate urge to mate? And that the object of her affection was none other than the apparently irresistible Lieutenant Paris?
This principled reporter is truly loath to spread unsubstantiated rumors, so I contacted several sources who spoke with me on the condition of anonymity. Said one source, "When Neelix was injured the bridge received an urgent call from Lieutenant Paris. It's rumored that one of the things he said was that Lieutenant Torres had bitten him."
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the more unusual mating customs in the galaxy, Klingons indicate their attraction and initiate sexual relations by biting each other on the cheek. Lieutenant Torres obviously showed no hesitation in marking her man, and we can all guess what followed in those dark, secluded caves. What red-blooded human male would refuse such an offer!
But there is still more to tell! This astute reporter initially assumed that the physical altercation on Sikari took place between Ensign Vorik and Lieutenant Paris, both fighting for the right to mate (or in the case of Paris, mate again) with the lusty half-Klingon engineer. But another source had this to say:
"It was all very hush-hush after the incident on Sikari, but word spread that a Klingon really can beat up a Vulcan."
At the very least, it appears a half-Klingon female in a mating frenzy can! And hold the shuttle just a minute here! One now wonders, why was Lieutenant Torres fighting Ensign Vorik? Could it possibly be that the ensign, rejected by his first choice, transferred his affections to another...to one Lieutenant Paris? Since Vulcans fight for the right to mate, it is the logical conclusion. Though Lieutenant Torres was the original object of Ensign Vorik's lust, clearly in the end Lieutenant Paris became the object of desire for both, and Lieutenant Torres won him in a fair fight (or not so fair - what do we care?!). One can be sure Lieutenant Paris didn't object either!
This fair-minded reporter made a sincere effort to allow the primary participants to set the record straight, and deny these obvious conclusions, if they could. Lieutenant Paris refused to comment (though he laughed, no doubt in a fruitless effort to throw off suspicion), Commander Torres threatened bodily injury (this seasoned reporter is used to such intimidation), and Ensign Vorik also declined to comment.
There you have it. Clearly the parties refused to comment because the facts could not be denied. And now you know the entire true story of the "greatest romance in the Delta Quadrant." Lieutenant Torres won Lieutenant Paris in a fight, and though their relationship was alternately testy, it's clear she never intended to let her prize go!
That's the uncovered truth for this month.
Next month in Uncovered..."EPIDEMIC!" Could the Vulcan Pon Farr spread throughout the Alpha quadrant, infecting billions with the compelling urge to mate now...and would this really be a bad thing? Join this enterprising reporter next month and find out!
Jules Aveenez is an award-winning reporter for the Risian Ribald. He has won the ASC (Alternative Scribes of Choice) Reporters Award for his expose on Berengaria's dragon adoption industry called Can a Dragon Cry Real Tears? as well as second place in the Romantic Liaisons Festival for his undercover report on secret Betazoid mating rituals. He travels extensively, wandering fearlessly into war zones, unfriendly empires, and hostile territory to uncover the truth. He also proudly holds the record for the most revoked visas in the Federation, including the Rigel Colonies, Berengaria VII, Betazed...and Vulcan.
