Chapter one – See the light
By now you'd think that as a 27 year old woman you'd know what you want in life. That you'd have at least any clue in which direction you'd be heading. In reality it couldn't be further from the truth. Why is it that even though you have anything that you've ever wanted in life, you're still not satisfied. Not complete. That's the word. That's what you feel. You feel incomplete. If you summon up everything you've already experienced in your life, you should be happy. In theory... But you're not.
You've been telling yourself that you don't know why. That you don't know what's missing from your life. That you should just man the fuck up and be happy, be real. And it works for you. It almost works every time. Every time... right up until that moment you see her walking into your favorite bar.
Seven months. That's how long you've been experiencing this incomplete feeling. It came out of nowhere, you always say to yourself. Except for that tiny little detail which you totally don't want to admit.
You know exactly where it came from, better said who it came from. Because it's been exactly seven months from this day that you saw her walking into this very bar.
That's why you're here tonight. Why you've been finding yourself visiting this bar every spare moment in your life. You even brought your friends this time. You're sisters, and also best friends, Maggie and Meredith know that there has been something going on with you. They know that you're not yourself, and at the same time even they feel that in the last months you seem to be getting towards the person that you should have been all along. That you've been becoming yourself more than that you've ever been.
You don't tell them you know why though. It's too early for that. You're still figuring your shit out yourself. You don't want to bother them with it before you yourself know exactly what is going on. It's an excuse though, because you know exactly what's going on with you. It might have started seven months ago but ever since that day you're piecing every little part of your life together all over. It's all clear as day now.
If you're honest with yourself you've known for about two months now who you are exactly. Who you always have been and who you want to be, from now on. Maggie and Meredith might not know about it right now, but at the end of this night they will. You've made that deal with yourself. It already has been going on for too long without them knowing. They are your sisters, but most of all your friends. They deserve to know who you are, now that you know.
Now that you don't want to deny it anymore, now that you admit to yourself that you've seen the light. The light, or better yet: that blonde across from the bar with her bright blue eyes and those dimples that you'd die for.
She's always around, it seems. Almost every time you're there, she is too. You don't think too much into it. You wouldn't dare put two and two together, except for in your dreams. She's there every time you close your eyes, or open them. You're not too picky. God damn you're pathetic really. Living in the fantasy that is her.
It's like you're living a complete different life next to your normal one. And it's about time you start living this one, the real one. So you grab your glass of white wine and just blurt it out before you get too scared again.
"I'm gay," you say softly.
Maggie and Meredith are talking to each other when you speak because you've zoned out before, like you've been doing a lot lately when they are around. It doesn't really matter who is around actually. You'd rather zone out and zone into her, so to speak. But you'd also like to be really into her, literally. So you need to speak up.
They're quiet now. Ackowleding that you said something even though they didn't hear what, or just need to hear you say it again.
"What now?" Meredith speaks up. She heard you, the look on her face says enough. Maggie is a whole other story though. She always a little slow to pick up on these sort of things.
"I'm.. I'm gay, into women," you say again. More confident this time even though you feel anything but.
"Well that took you long enough." Meredith is the one that speaks again. Maggie is stuck with the expression of confusion on her face, together with a small smile. She's always trying to make others feel comfortable even though she isn't right now.
You're also not really comfortable. You can't quite believe what Meredith just said. Took you long enough? Yeah.. it did took you long enough but that's not something that she knows about, at least you thought she didn't.
"How?" You ask her without getting another word out of your mouth.
"She knows about it too, you know!?"
"What?"
"Arizona. Come on Amy, what did you think? You're always here, always looking right at her. For months now. You're not exactly subtle you know."
Okay, this is not how you expected this to go. You want to run. Get out of this bar as fast as you can. But Meredith knows that flight look on your face and grips your wrist before you can get your body to move.
"She isn't supposed to know," you get out of your mouth just barely. You know that Meredith knows her, works with her even. They work at the same hospital. She's friends with her best friend, Alex. She's introduced you to this bar. But still.. you didn't expect her to know. And most of all you didn't expect Arizona to know about your crush on her. It makes you even more pathetic, it makes all of your dreams impossible all of the sudden. You thought that if you just told Meredith and Maggie they would be willing to make a game plan with you, so to speak. To win her over or something stupid, but now it's all turned to shit.
God she knows that I like her. She knows that I come here for her.. How am I ever going to talk to her? Meredith has let go of your wrist by now. Before she does anything else to keep you from escaping you decide to make the first move, and move yourself from this bar as fast as possible.
When you pass her in the crowd you can't help but turn your face towards her. It's like she's your magnet. You can't help yourself but to look at her.
She looks back. She sees the look of horror on your face, and you hate that. You hate that when she captures your eyes they are full of horror, for her.
Later in bed you try to calm yourself by the thought that everything you think about Arizona, are still your own thoughts. It's not that she knows about those thoughts. She just knows that you like her, apparently. And is that such a bad thing? Because deep inside you know that you are not alone in this.
You look, maybe not that subtle. But she does too. It's not like you're some kind of creep that just keeps stalking someone that is completely unavailable. She's available. It might have taken you seven months to admit it to your friends. And it might have taken you by shock that Meredith not only knew about you being gay but also about you being gay for her... When you're being real with yourself. You two have been flirting for months.
You are not alone in this. She looks at you. And you know it because you look at her. And lately when you turn your head away from your friends into her direction, you're met directly with those blue eyes of hers that are clearly already looking at you in that moment.
So even though an hour ago you swore to yourself that you would never step a foot into that bar, ever again. You're going to be there tomorrow, and the day after that one, and you find peace in the thought that she will be there too.
A/N
Hello! I usually write stories about Orange is the new black, this is my first AU Grey's anatomy story. If you like it, let me know and I'll continue.
