Disclaimer- As usual I own nothing but the plot L

Summary: While trying to solve one problem Peyton gets into more then she can handle. This is a look into the Peyton/Rick relationship for those who read Broken, if you didn't read Broken it doesn't matter. Peyton's POV. Enjoy!

I'm looking in the mirror
At this woman down and out
She's internally dying
And knew this was not what love's about

I don't wanna be this woman
The second time around
'Cause I'm waking up screaming, no longer believing
That I'm gunna be around

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
And over and over i cired, yeah
I don't know why

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
And over and over i cired, yeah
I don't know why

Rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, no

See, I don't want to hug my pillow late at night no more
I'm tossing and turning and thinking 'bout burning down these walls
I-I don't wanna fuel this fire no more, no more, no more
See, I made up my mind 'cause I've wasted my time
Ain't nothing here to keep me warm

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
And over and over i cired, yeah
I don't know why

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
And over and over i cired, yeah
I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried

Rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, no

I'm so tired of the rain
In my life
And I'm so tired of the strain
And I ain't gunna lie

'Cause sometimes I can't sleep at night and
This here it just don't seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Almost let my life go by

'Cause sometimes I can't sleep at night and
This here it just don't seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Almost let my life go by

Rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe

Well I guess that was the way I felt sometimes. I really can't say though because I don't know when my feelings changed. I guess things really got bad over the last couple of years and they just kept getting worse. I was trying so hard to fix my mistakes, I was trying to dig myself out of this whole I was in and I just dug deeper.

Sometimes I look around at the people in my life and I wonder what it's like to walk in their shoes. I would do almost anything to change my life and all the shit I've been through and there are days when I wish that I could live someone else's life. I look at Haley and I think that it would be great to have her life, to actually be happy. But the more I sit around and think about it, the more I realize that I really don't want to change. It might take time but I always come to the same conclusion and that's the fact that people probably think the same thing about me. I look happy most of the time and I can't help but think that maybe some people just hide their pain better than I do. No one knows what emotional baggage people are carrying around with them everyday.

You never know whose life is genuinely good and who has a drunken step dad that beats the shit out of them at night. So when I'm lying in bed at night I have to tell myself that I don't really have it that bad, that people have to go through a lot more than I do. I know that there are people out there that would kill for my life and a lot of the time I'd be glad to give it to them, but I wouldn't want their life in return. No, if I gave up my life to someone else I'd just wanna die. After all, that would be a lot better then that hell hole I know as my life.

I think that the worse part of my life over the last month, wasn't the actual pain because after a while that kind of disappeared. I think I just went numb to everything around and I stopped caring. The worst part was being scared. I can honestly say that I wasn't afraid to die, but I wasn't exactly scared to live either. So what was I scared of? I was terrified of tomorrow because I never knew what life had in store for me. I didn't know whether it was something good or bad and I would always wish that I could just stay in the present, where I knew what was going on and I knew what to expect. Going back in the past would have been better then moving forward because I knew the past already and I knew what was gunna happen but when it came to the future that was out of my control.

There was one other thing that scared me. This scared me more then my future and I'm pretty sure that I was supposed to be able to control this. See since my mom died, saying that I had issues would guarantee you the 'Understatement of the Year' award. I didn't and still don't have issues, I am an issue and I don't think that even touches who I am. I find interest in what some would call dark things. I love to draw, it's my escape, but most of the time I use black and I find in soothing. I love the night; its dark and I guess it makes me feel like I'm able to hide things, hide myself. So when I draw in black it's like I can release things but no one will actually know because it's hidden in the darkness of the color. Over the last month in this relationship, and I'm not even sure that's what I'd call it, I've become more twisted then I was before. I uncovered the truth about what I was going through with Rick, and that truth scared me more then anything ever has.

When it comes down to it, at the end of the day I wouldn't have given it up for anything. The truth is that sometimes, I Peyton Sawyer liked it.

Okay that's just the introduction to the story. This was set after the relationship ended but the rest of this is going to be written during the relationship. If you're reading Broken then you pretty much know the basics but this is going to go a lot more in depth. Well, let me know what you think. I hoped you liked it and PLEASE REVIEW!