"LUCY GET UR PUNK ASS BUTT OVER HERE THE GAME IS OVER"

the young brunette girl ignored the pleading cries of her siblings and ventured further into the strange room. the large wardrobe stood in the middle of the room, looming over the girl like a perverse old man who'd had one too many doughnuts.

"this will teach those hoes a lesson" she muttered to herself as she pulled open the doors of the closet and inserted herself inside. "try and find me now niggas" she chuckled darkly as she closed the door behind her.

"excuse me" a voice from behind her said.

lucy literally leapt out of her skin. leaving a pile of skin on the floor behind her, she crawled further into the closet. "who dis bae" she called.

suddenly a pair of luminous green eyes pierced the darkness in front of her face.

"it is I the righteous man" the voice said

"nice to meet you" lucy replied, because she was not born in a barn and in fact did have some manners

"what to heck are you doing in my metaphorical closet" came the gruff reply.

"im hiding from my siblings" lucy explained

"alright lil girl well run back to em ok no one is supposed to know im here"

Lucy was intrigued by the man's tennis ball eyes and gruff tone "why are you here" she enquired

"because i like it up the butt"

lucy didn't know what he meant so she just laughed

"im glad u find it fuckin funny u lil shit" he said "now gtfo"

ignoring his rejection, lucy continued to make conversation "so who the fuck are you"

"who the fuck are you" the bug eyed man replied

"i asked you first"

"i asked you second"

"LUCY U LITTLE SHIT WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU" someone screamed from the world outside the closet "I SWEAR TO GOD IF U DON'T COME BACK HERE NOW I WILL SET THIS HOUSE ON FIRE AND FORCE U OUT"

"son of a bitch XD !11!" the man exclaimed

lucy stared at him, wondering how he managed to make the XD face with his voice.

"look mister it's been nice talking to u but i should get back because i don't want my sister to burn the house down"

A solitary tear trickled down his cheek "my mom was set on fire when i was a kid"

lucy gasped "how terrible"

"ik"

"well I should get back otherwise i'm toast"

the man burst into tears

"oh fuck sorry pun not intended" lucy squawked even though a million other fire jokes were flooding into her head

"tbh u should just go" he sobbed

lucy just nodded, fearing that if she opened her mouth she might make a crude joke about roasted mothers.

she army crawled out of the wardrobe asap and was met by the piercing stares of her bros and sister.

"where the fuck have u been u lil shit" edmund said

"in the closet i met a man"

peter and susan exchanged looks

"fuckin homosexuals" peter muttered.