I know EXACTLY what you're thinking. You're thinking: this is another one of those saccharine, completely implausible and mind-numbingly predictable tales of Legolas-love.

WRONG. Now you're thinking: I've been here before. It's tale of Legolas- love but because the author wants me to read it, she's saying it's not.

In fact, in this story, I am going to tell my reader exactly what I think about Legolas.

If any readers don't like this, please can tell they me where exactly they got the idea that Legolas cared for a girl/she-elf/lady back in mirkwood/ rivendell/ laketown/sundry other Mary-Sue locations, and didn't give his mind up to concentrating totally on the quest (which, I might add, is probably what makes him such a good archer and warrior).

Down to the last paragraph/screenplay page.

Why I Hate Legolas

The bright moon shone down upon the Mirkwood forest. Underneath it, the light coming in her balcony, the young future queen of Mirkwood slept deeply, long dark hair fanned out messily over her bed, limbs sprawled over the coverlet.

In fact, almost the whole of the forest slept. A few sentries were sleepily stationed around a smoky fire, which merrily burned scented pine branches and crackled occasionally.

They had no need to stay alert.there was no threat of invasion to their home-The Orcish armies were all headed towards Gondor and Rohan.

There was no reason for them to attack Mirkwood, after all. A sentry rose and tiredly stacked another branch onto the fire. Only another hour of duty to go.

~~~~~~*~~~~~~

Underneath the same moon, the future king of Mirkwood was standing, hundreds of miles away. He thought about her occasionally. Not very often, but sometimes, when it was like this, still and quiet, he'd almost miss her. Almost.

After all, she was just a she-elf, prettier than most, but no she-elf was worth more than being with the Fellowship. She-elves wouldn't be any use, they were there to look pretty and greet him when he came home.

So some of them could ride and shoot half-decent, but that was surely just for show when they had the he-elves to protect them, Legolas thought.

~~~~~~*~~~~~~

Thalionnaur the guard was seated, back to the fire.

' How long is it until the next sentries relieve us?' the guard on his right asked him.

' Not more then an hour, by my reckoning'

' 'Tis a fine night, is it not?' he asked Thalionnaur.

But there was no more than a slight gasp and a rustling noise. The wind in the trees.

'Thalionnaur?'

Silence. He glanced to his right. His friend lay, face down on the forest floor with a black-feathered shaft sticking from between his shoulders, blood slowly pooling next to the fire. The guard jumped up in horror, and a shout started in his throat, but another dark arrow came whistling out from the trees and claimed him before he could yell, piercing his throat.

All through the forest, Orcs had crept, knowing the guards had grown careless and now they burst out from their hiding places, screaming with blood-curdling yells and brandishing foul-looking weapons.

They had got rid of the few sentries first, and their bodies were scattered on the ground, bleeding. The horde passed over them unheeding, trampling them into the ground, hollering eagerly to carry out the task they had been ordered to.

The lead few Orcs reached the first tree - house, where a candle light was clumsily flickering in the top window, and the others listened to the horrific screams with anticipation, as they scaled the steps and battered the door down.