Disclaimer: if I owned it, would I be sitting here writing this?
Helium Insanity
"Check mate."
Cloud and Vincent were playing chess in Tifa's new bar in Kalm. This was unusual because of two things: one, Vincent somehow left his coffin, and two, it was Cloud. Playing chess. Apparently, Vincent didn't care. He had already won six times.
"But how?!" Cloud wondered aloud, scratching the back of his head.
"My rook was right in front of your king."
Tifa, who was listening (or should it be eavesdropping?) over the whole thing, decided to speak up before this turned into a fully-fledged fight. (Try saying that one five times quickly)
"Vincent, what are you doing out of your coffin?" Cloud scratched his head again. "Cloud, have you got nits or something?" she added.
Vincent cleared his throat so that everyone's attention was on him. Oh, the drama.
"You see, the ghost of Hojo talked to me. He told me that…that…"
"What did he tell ya, Vince?" Cid, who just came in, said.
He paused for full dramatic effect. "I am Sephiroth's father."
Tifa broke the silence. "Don't you just hate it when The Authors make Vinnie confess that in that dramatic way?"
"Yeah," Aerith said.
"Wait… what the &!£?" Cid swore.
"The ghost of Hojo told me that since popular people like me," Aerith primped and shot a smirk in Tifa's direction, "shouldn't be waltzing around in the Lifestream, so by an amazing plot twist that nobody knows much about… here I am!"
Tifa didn't look too happy. "Popular? In whose books?"
"Cloud's, of course."
The guys sensed a catfight.
Suddenly, something moved in the shadows. Vincent saw it and expertly threw a knife at the something. The something turned out to be the Great Ninja Princess (or so she says) Yuffie.
"Vinnie, that almost hit!" she whined.
"Well guess that leaves Red, Reeve and Barett," Cloud stated. At the teams questioning glances, he added, "Everyone seems to be turning up by unexplainable plot twists, so when are they showing up?" Everyone was dumbstruck by the reason in that assumption. Reason and Cloud, two things that shouldn't be mixed. (Rather like beer and wine)
"They aren't coming," said a disembodied voice.
"Who sneaked into my bar?!" Tifa jumped up from a bar seat and picked up a broom, "I'm armed!"
"Oh, it's just the ghost of Hojo, who can't come back like Seph and I did because he's a mean ba-"
"Sephiroth's back?" Everyone, distressed, asked while trying to overlook the fact that Aerith had almost sworn.
"Of course he is."
A few minutes of "How can it be?" and "WHY?" later…
The group of misfits were wandering around the town square of Kalm, looking for Sephiroth under any loose rocks and in dark alleyways even though it was four PM, just because Cloud said so and they had gotten used to following his stupid orders where Sephiroth was concerned.
"&$£, he isn't here…" Cid was getting really annoyed with this.
I could have been in Rocket Town, sexually harassing Shera and drinking $!& herbal tea, but nooooooo, I'm somehow stuck in $!& Kalm with a bunch of losers on a $& quest for a !!& schizophrenic who's obsessed with his mommy…
Cid was interrupted out of his thoughts by the-now disturbingly familiar- disembodied voice of Hojo's ghost.
"He isn't here…"
Vincent's eyes flashed. "Well, you aren't helping!"
"Ah, Valentine… my favourite subject… how are things?"
"I'm glad I killed you!" Everyone including Vincent were getting freaked out that Vincent was having a conversation with a disembodied voice, and even more so when he drew his Death Penalty.
"Manners Valentine… Lucrecia here wouldn't want to see you losing your cool, would she?"
"She's there?" Vincent made a mental note to kill Hojo when he got to the Lifestream.
"Yes… excuse us, we have to go, we have a ahem biological experiment to attend to…" Hojo's voice paused, as if mentally debating as to revealing more. "Go to the Kalm library."
"Kalm library…" Vincent put the Death Penalty back in place. "What are you waiting for, let's go!"
As Vincent walked off, the band of outcasts thanked the Planet that Vincent hadn't fully understood what Hojo meant about biological experiments with Lucrecia. Bullet wounds from that gun are fatal.
The library…
There appeared to be something going on in the library. Cloud walked to the desk next to the door and asked the (rather attractive) librarian.
"A talented new children's author is giving a reading of his book," she smiled and raised her eyebrows suggestively at Cloud behind her emo glasses. "Now, you can get a library card if you give me your phone num-"
"No thanks."
The team manoeuvred through the aisles upon aisles of full-up bookcases, until they got to the back o the building. There, there was a small crowd of young children sitting on the floor around a chair, waiting for this author. Tifa thought she saw Marlene there, but decided not to talk to her unless she did first. The girl was worse than Yuffie on a caffeine-and-sugar high, at times. However…
"TIFA! AND HER FRIENDS!"
Yup, Tifa thought, the girl's on a high.
Some baby-talk, and on Vincent's part, mental scarring of innocent minds, later, the children finally settled down as the author came, holding his book, and sat on the chair.
Aerith looked him up and down. Not bad, she thought. Pretty bloody tall, long brown and silver streaked hair, BLACK sunglasses bigger than a scuba mask… she liked that kind of guy.
"Hello children and adults alike" he said in a freakishly high-pitched, squeaky voice, "I'm glad to present to you my story, 'The Girl Who Had an Obsession with Helium Balloons, And How It Led to Her Downfall'."
The members of Avalanche glanced at each other and shrugged. What was an insane kid's story after that whole… thing with Sephiroth and Meteor? They settled down to listen.
"Once upon a time," the author started in his disturbing tone, "there was this really hot guy who deserved to rule the world, but then this emo got in the way so he killed his Mary-Sueish girlfriend, then this emo got an identity crisis and, along with his pet vampire, killed this scientist who was supposedly Hot Guy's father, while Hot Guy had some insane alien who happens to be his mother talking in his head…. Blab la…so then the Snowmen or whatever they are kill Hot Guy, who gets the Mary-Sueish bitch on his case in the Lifestream, and the this idiot called Zack thinks its funny to inject helium in my veins while I'm sleeping… so then I put him in solitary confinement and came back to life with a plot twist… the end."
"Wow… that was so moving," Marlene said.
"The gorgeous prose…" Tifa and Aerith added, weeping and hugging each other.
"The $"£& deep introspective $"£$& elements and sociopath issues of Hot &!"$£ Guy…" Cid contributed, wiping away the tear that would kill his image.
"The clueless emo…" Cloud added cluelessly.
"…The tragic drug abuse and reincarnation themes," Vincent finished.
"A masterpiece!" everyone said together.
"…..Thank you. So children, what's the moral of the story?" the author picked a kid with a bowl cut and an overbite who was waving his hand in the air enthusiastically. "Yes?"
"Don't talk to the aliens in your head."
"That is… a valid point, Bugs Bunny kid." The author ran his hand through his long, straight hair.
The wig came off. But you'd think someone would notice a guy with really long silver hair and connect him with Sephiroth. They didn't, and Sephiroth gave a sigh of relief…. That is, until Hippie Queen came up to him, blushing.
Great, now what? He thought.
"I-I was deeply moved by your story, mister," she started off innocently, "AndIthinkyourreallyhotandohhellijustwannakissyounownowcosureallyturnmeon, youandyoursqueakyvoice!"
Sephiroth didn't know what to make of this. What had Hippie Queen said? She was in the way of his master plot again! He would have to kill her more slowly this time. "I'm sorry, what-"
But before he could finish this, Hippie Queen had pulled off his sunglasses and started kissing him.
"AH, GERROFF!"
It didn't go down too well.
Especially when everyone realised it was the Great General and Helium Addict Sephiroth.
