Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)

Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye

Chapter 1: Cruel Irony

Disclaimer: South Park and Family Guy do not belong to me. They belong to Matt Stone & Trey Parker and Seth MacFarlane respectively.

TV-PG-DLV


(Cue South Park Theme Song)

I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces every where,
humble folks without temtation.

Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night,
People spouting HOWDY NEIGHBOR!

Headin' up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind

(Muffled)
I like f#cking silly bitches
And my penis knows I like it

So come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine.

(End South Park Theme Song)


We rejoin our family on the open road, with Brian, Stewie, & Frank riding in the tour bus, and the rest of the family riding in the car. Peter was on the phone with Brian.

"No way, Brian. There is no way that Chris Brown is gay. There is no way!" He kept shouting into the phone. "OK--OK, Brian, Brian. G-Get-Get me the proof--Get me some proof of him doing it with some gay guy and I'll believe it. Otherwise, you're just talking out of your ass! Y-You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, man!" Peter hung up the phone in frustration and cupped his eyebrows. "Dumbass. He has no idea what he's talking about."

"Peter, shouldn't you be paying attention to the road?" Lois asked, paying close attention to the road, seeing that the tour bus ahead of them had already stopped ahead into another town, but Peter wasn't paying attention, and going at 55 mph, he was going to crash.

"Don't worry about it, Lois. I always watch the road. I don't miss a thing." Peter assured her. However, when he looked forward towards the road, he immediately screamed, slammed on the brakes, and stopped the car before it crashed into the bus. "See, Lois?" He said to Lois, turning to her. "I don't miss a thing."

Peter got out of his car triumphantly and attempted to cross the street, only to narrowly avoid being hit by a passing car which was driven by an intoxicated bisexual. "Hey up yours, you jerk!" He yelled to the passing driver and he stormed off back towards the car.

The bus and car made their way into the town, and parked right in near a small house in a small neighborhood in the small town of 'South Park'.

Peter stepped out of his car and took in a breath of the fresh air of their new temporary home. "Ahh, there's nothing I like more than the fresh air of a warm, winter day. How about you, Brian?" He asked his dog as he stepped out of the bus. "This is the life."

"Peter, it's the middle of June."

"Oh it is? It is? Well, I'm sorry. You'll have to forgive me. I only assumed it's winter because of the f#cking snow on the ground!" Peter shouted, pointing out that there was indeed snow on the ground. "If it's not winter, then what it is, Brian? Huh?"

"Um...summer. Peter, it's the middle of June. I-I don't understand why there's snow on the ground."

"Well maybe we entered some sort of parallel universe. Oh well, nothing to worry about now. I gotta get going." Peter said as he put on a viking helmet and started to leave.

"Wait, Peter! Where are you going?" Lois asked him furiously.

"Don't you know anything, Lois? Today, of all days!"

"What's so special about today, dad?" Chris asked.

"Well, Chris, today...you become a man. Because today is Weasel Stomping Day!"

And as if out of nowhere, he, along with many other random people that just so happened to be there, broke out into a song.

Faces filled with joy and cheer
What a magical time of year
Howdy-ho it's Weasel Stomping Day

Put your viking helmet on
Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn
Don't you know it's Weasel Stomping Day (Weasel Stomping Day)

All of the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You all know what this day's about
When you stomp those weasels' guts right out

So come along and have a laugh
Snap their weaselly spines in half
Grabs your boots and stomp your cares away
Hip-hip-hooray it's Weasel Stomping Day!

Peter joined in every body's merriment and started looking for Weasels and stomping on them real hard, causing them to spill their guts and their spines out. There was blood splattered all over the streets. Even Stewie started to join in the fun, and smashed several dozen Weasels to their deaths.

People up and down the street
Crushing weasels beneath their feet
Why we do it who can say
But it's such a festive holiday

So let the stomping fun begin
Bash their weaselly skulls right in
It's tradition, that makes it OK
Hey everyone it's Weasel Stomping
(We'll have some fun on Weasel Stomping)
Put down your gun it's Weasel Stomping Day

Hip-hip-hooray it's Weasel Stomping Day!
(Weasel Stomping Day)

A/N: You have Weird Al Yankovic and Robot Chicken to thank. That was a take on the "Weasel Stomping Day" song by Weird Al Vankovic, the very song which another of my favorite shows, Robot Chicken, which is owned by Seth Green, parodied.

Everyone soon broke out into loud cheering, having killed every single Weasel in South Park. Everyone was happy, even Stewie.

"Oh my god, that was so fun!" Stewie shouted in between cheers. "Let's do this again next year, only this time let's use little kitties. That'll make even more red stuff!"

Unfortunately, what they also succeeded in doing was pissing off four small boys that came into the picture, horrified. One of them, named Kyle Broflovski, was wearing a bright orange coat with a green ear-flapped cap, dark green pants, and lime-green gloves. One, named Stan Marsh, wore brown jacket, blue denim jeans, red gloves/mittens, and a red-brimmed blue knit cap adorned with a decorative red pom-pon. Another one, a real fat kid named Eric "Cartman", wore a red coat, brown pants, yellow gloves, and a yellow-brimmed turquoise knit cap tapered with a yellow pom-pon. And the fourth one named Kenny McCormick, wore a bright orange parka hood, with the hood drawn tightly over his face, so his speech is severly muffled.

"Dude, what the hell are you doing!?" Stan shouted to everyone.

"You killed all of our weasels!" Kyle shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you people, you sick bastards!?"

"What's the big deal, here?"

"Dude, you people are sick!"

"Yeah! You completely destroyed our science fair projects! We were gonna videotape these weasels having sex with each other and then giving birth! And then we were gonna sell the little babies on the internet!" Stan shouted.

"Yeah, way to go, buttf#ckers!" Cartman shouted, the least angry of the four because he really didn't care about the weasels.

"Besides, Weasel Stomping Day isn't until tomorrow." Kenny muffled through his hood.

"Yeah, you pe--wait, what?"

"You mean Weasel Stomping Day is actually real!?" Kyle asked in a shocked tone.

"Well of course it. Ever since our great American ancestor Osama bin laden crossed the ancient Egyptian river of Guatamala to see his dying son before the lord took him to his sanction. Ever since then, the Weasels were created and resented because Eve took a bite from the Holy tree of Magic Johnson." Peter explained to them in great detail. His historic facts were all wrong but you have to admire his enthusiasm. Nobody, though, was impressed. Some were even mortified or horrified."

"Uh, Peter, what the hell are you talking about?" Brian tried to ask.

"The origin of our great nation's finest hour. Weasel Stomping Day, of course." Peter replied, gleaming to them. Everyone stood confused, scratching their heads.

"Dude, there is no such thing as Weasel Stomping Day!" Kyle yelled to the fat white American.

"Oh really? There isn't? Well show me the history book and I'll believe you. Show me Obama's laws, and I'll trust it." He was now shouting. "Show me your ass, and I'll f#ck it!" Everyone gasped at that last bit, even Peter.

"What!?"

"Oh my god, I am sorry. I am so sorry. When I get angry like that, it's usually because I've reminisced on a trial that I wasn't pleased with the results."

"You mean the O.J. Simpson murder trial?" Lois asked.

"No, I mean the time Heathcliff took Garfield to court. I was actually there.

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to a courtroom where the case of Heathcliff vs. Garfield is about to begin. Peter is the bailiff.

"Cat Court is now is session!" He yelled.

"We will now hear the case of Garfield vs. Heathcliff." The judge said as he banged his gavel. Healthcliff, the plantiff, entered first, followed by the defendant, Garfield, carrying a suitcase. The two took their podiums, and the judge gave the go-ahead to Heathcliff.

"I was in the funny papers for five freakin' years before this crappy knock-off!" Heathcliff hissed to the jury.

"Your honor, if I may, I'd like to present this afidavid." Garfield rebuttle as he opened his suitcase only to reveal a small piece of lasagna. "Oh. Sorry, you're honor. I'm on a lasagna diet. I see lasagna, I eat it." He rolled his eyes towards the jury, hoping to spur some laughter. The only thing, however, he spurred was hatred from them, and from Heathcliff.

"Aww, that jokes sucks, man. Even for you!" Heathcliff yelled.

The judge banged his hammer. "The court agrees that joke sucked. Gentlemen, I am afraid we are at a standstill. There's only one way to settle this argument. Catfight!" He yelled as the lights started dimming. The two cats gathered in the middle of the courtroom and started brawling it out. Heathcliff gave the first punch and even started to claw Garfield's eyes out. He grabbed Heathcliff and threw him onto the ground. It was now that the jury, which was entirely made up of cats, started throwing things into the ring. Heathcliff grabbed a tireiron, while Garfield grabbed...er, a plate of lasagna.

"Oh cruel irony." He mumbled before being struck hard in the face with the tireiron. Garfield threw the plate of lasagna at Heathcliff, and then grabbed a little kitten to protect himself as Heathcliff scratched him and then threw him out a window. Then Garfield grabbed Heathcliff and stuffed his face into a litterbox.

"Eat it! Eat it! Die, die!"

The judge banged his gavel. He had seen enough. "Enough! We have a champion! The court finds in favor of Garfield." Garfield took in the victory for a short moment, before clutching his chest in "pain".

"Heart...attack...from decades...of only...eating..." Peter, however, was not impressed, and immediately saw that this was another lasagna joke Garfield was trying to pull. Fed up with the jokes, Peter pulled out his starter gun, and shot Garfield in the head, killing him. Gasps spread throughout the courtroom. "Um...I'm sorry. I just, I couldn't take another freakin' lasagna joke."

Jon Arbuckle, Garfield's owner, however, was thrilled beyong belief. "Oh, gods be praised! I'm free!! FREE!!!" He cheered as Garfield's dead body lay on the floor beneath him.

(End Cutaway)

"Dude, what the f#ck does a cat court have to do with our dead weasels?" Stan asked, snapping Peter out of his flashback.

"Dead We...oh my god, Lois!?" He looked down and studied all of the weasels he and the other people had killed during their gay musical montage. "Why didn't you tell me it was Weasel Stomping Day!? I would've gotten my condoms!"

The four boys just murmured and exchanged angry and confused glances.

"What the hell do condoms have to do with 'Weasel Stomping Day'!?" Cartman asked, shouting to keep Peter's attention.

"Seriously, he's like 'King Retard'!" Kyle jumped in. "This guy couldn't tell an 'Oboe' from an 'Elbow'. Get it?" He decided to go for the joke, but sadly, nobody bought it. Mixed chatter was heard amonst the towns people.

"Aw, dude, Kyle, that was horrible." Stan said.

"Yeah, you suck at telling jokes." Kenny muffled. The four boys began to have a heated argument, one which intrigued Peter for some odd reason.

"Well, I wouldn't have to tell these sh#tty jokes if 'Weasel Stomping Day' didn't exist!" Kyle retorted back.

"Oh that's so typical of you grade-schoolers!" Stewie retorted back to Kyle angrily. "Trying to defend your crappy joke telling skills. You just ru-ined my day!"

"Well I--wait, what?"

"You rui-ined my good mood. My mood is ru-ined because of you!"

"Why are you saying it like that?"

"What? I'm just pointing out my day is ru-ined!"

"Hmm...horrible joke telling skills..." Peter said to himself while the four boys continued to argue.

"I mean...what the hell is Weasel Stomping Day, anyway? Why would we want to kill such innocent animals for amusement anyway?"

"Uptight structure..."

"It makes no sense at all and I don't see the fun in celebrating it!"

"Non-Christian passion...oh my god, where have I seen this before?" Peter began pondering. "Uh...ok, it wasn't Passion of the Christ, or Are We There Yet?...or Dragonball Evolution..." While Peter was pondering on these thoughts, the boys' parents, Sharon & Randy Marsh, Sheila & Gerald Broflovski, Liane Cartman, and Carol & Stuart McCormick, stormed in, wearing viking helmets and giant shoes, obviously also into the 'Weasel Stomping Day' spirit.

"OK, let's squish some f#cking weas--oh, goddammit! Goddammit, did we miss it, again!?" Carol shouted, angry that all of the weasels were already dead.

"Oh damn, we seemed to have missed 'Weasel Stomping Day'." Liane calmly said. She didn't really care for it, but supported everyone else's love for it.

"What the hell is 'Weasel Stomping Day'?" Peter asked, which completely dumbfounded everyone. "Today's Wednesday."

"Peter, you just sang a f#cking song about it!" Lois said in anger, having a hard time controlling it.

"Yeah, you even stomped on more weasels than anyone here." Brian added, also picking up a trophy and giving it to Peter. "By the way, here's your trophy."

"They give out trophies for stomping on animals?" Stewie asked in a baffled tone. "Ugh. You people are annoying the crap out of me. In fact, the only thing more annoying is having to stand behind a black guy at the airport."

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to an airport line, where Stewie is waiting to board a plane. There is only one person ahead of him, but it is a tall, black guy.

"May I have your name, sir?" The lady at the register asked.

"Shaquille O'Neal."

"Could you spell that?"

"Certainly. That's 'Shaquille O'Neal'. S, as in 'Sean, look, it's Shaquille O'Neal'. H, as in 'Hey, look over there, it's Shaquille O'Neal'. A, as in 'Ashley, I'd like you to meet my father, Shaquille O'Neal'. Q, as in 'Quick, look over there, it's Shaquille O'Neal'. U, as in 'U won't believe this, but I'm a huge fan of Shaquille O'Neal'. I, as in 'I don't know if you know this, but my favorite black guy is Shaquille O'Neal'. L, as in 'Look, it's Shaquille O'Neal'. L, as in 'Look, it's Shaquille O'Neal'. E, as in 'E-gad, it's Shaquille O'Neal. Space. O, as in 'Oh my friggin god, it's Shaquille O'Neal!' Apostrophe. N, as in 'No way, that's Shaquille O'Neal'. E, as in 'Everyone loves Shaquille O'Neal'. A, as in 'And the winner is Shaquille O'Neal. L, as in 'Look over at that tall guy. That's Shaquille O'Neal'. Shaquille O'Neal."

The lady was typing in his name, while Stewie groaned and cupped his eyes. The lady looked up at Shaq. "I'm sorry, I'm didn't catch that. Could you spell that again."

Stewie cursed loudly and angrily.

(End Cutaway)

"So what's the big deal? So a lady asked Alfonso Riberio to have sex with her and he denied it. What's so wrong about statures?" Peter asked, completely ignoring the entire flashback. Stewie cursed under his breath, while the four boys shook their heads and exchanged confused glances.

"Dude, do you even listen to yourself when you talk?" Kyle asked Peter.

"I agree. You're not even making sense." Sheila added, which thus caused a light bulb to light up in Peter.

"That's it! I got it, now!" He shouted as he rushed over to Sheila and Kyle. "Hey lady, lady? Is your family Jewish?"

"Ye-Yes..."

"Are you a middle aged woman who is married to a Jewish man?"

"Uh-huh."

"Is your name Sheila Broflovski?"

"Why, yes. Yes it is."

"Oh how wonderful!" Peter gleed in happiness, and he ran over and picked up Kyle, and gave him a tight hug. "Then this must be little Kyle! Oh I've missed you so!" Peter began dancing around and spinning like a horny schoolgirl, cheering and kissing Kyle all over. Everyone else looked on in shock and dismay. Stan and Stewie were probably the most in shock.

"Dude, is that your dad?" Stan asked Stewie. Stewie hesitated in his answer and simply gave Stan a disgusted look.

"If I say no, will you adopt me?"

"No. Seriously, what is he doing to my best friend?"

"Well, from my perspective and my experience from tragically having him as a father, he's either trying to rape him or kill him. We'll just have to stay tuned and watch." Stewie turned to the camera. "That's right, folks. You'll just have to tune in to see what happens. Of course, if you'd rather watch two grade-schoolers jack off to Chinese pornography that's all quite alright with us." He reached into his back pocket and took out a bottle of Ipecac, and some pain-killers, and passed them towards the camera. "See? There you go. You know, just in case...I'm about as freaked out as you are, and even more than that time I played in the sandbox at the playground with Brian."

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to the park, where Steiwe is digging up sand in the sandbox. He stops when he sees something he doesn't like, and looks mortified.

"Brian!" He yells as he slowly pulls out what appears to be the skeleton of an old dog. "I found Todd!"

(End Cutaway)

End of Chapter 1!

A/N: The "Weasel Stomping Day" and "Cat Court" jokes are from Robot Chicken, and they can be seen from the adultswim website. (Weasel Stomping Day actually belongs to Weird Al Vankovic). The 'I found Todd' bit is a play on the "I Found Dad" sketch, also from "Robot Chicken".

Next Time: What the hell is the matter with Peter? Why is he going crazy over Kyle? And what mischief could he possibly cause with these boys? More on that on the 11 o' clock news. Ha, no, no, I'm just joking. You'll just have to wait until April 12th.