"Bella, are you serious?" I asked, my forehead creasing with worry. Her eyebrows furrowed together on that cute little face of hers. God, she was just so pretty ever since she became a vampire. I mean, she was always beautiful to me but there was no denying her new beauty. She then sighed and put her hands on her hips. My thoughts drifted to the night before and I could feel myself getting horny just thinking about it.

"Yes, honey. I'm very serious. If she doesn't learn this from us how else will she?" she asked. I groaned.

"You could always give her a Biology textbook and tell her to go nuts," Emmett piped in.

"Emmett, that's stupid," Bella muttered.

"Yea. I mean, where would we get a Bio textbook?" I chimed in. Bella shot me a glare and I gave her a nervous grin. "Kidding of course, my love."

"Yea yea. So please! You always wanted a family. Didn't you realize this would be one of the responsibilities?!"

"Yes! But I didn't expect to do it when she was FIVE!" I argued.

"Sweetie, physically she's five but you know her mentality is that of a fifteen year old. She's having those thoughts. She's curious," Bella retorted. I groaned. Alice smirked at me.

'You're not going to win, bro. Let it go now before Bella refuses sex on your ass tonight.' I turned to Alice and shot her my infamous glare. She responded by dancing over to me, ruffling my hair, and dancing away into the kitchen. Just then, my daughter and Jacob entered the room. It must have been cold outside because both their faces were flushed.

"Nessie, I need a word with you," I said slowly with a cringe on my face. When I glanced at Bella, she gave me a reassuring smile. Damn that shield of hers. I would love to hear her thoughts right now. Nessie looked confused but took a seat on the couch.

"What's up, dad?" I took a seat beside her.

"I need to talk to you about…sex."

"What about it?" she asked non chalantly.

"When…a man-"

"Or vampire. Or…wolf boy in your case," Emmett interrupted with a chuckle. Jacob growled.

"Ahem. When a man, or male creature of some sort, and a woman such as yourself truly love each other…they might start to get these feelings. Feelings to-"

"Stick his ding dong in her hello!"

"EMMETT! DON'T MAKE ME KICK YOUR…BUTT!" I shouted. I caught myself at the last moment. It was bad enough I was giving my daughter the sex talk. But to swear would be an unpleasant bonus.

"Um, dad. It's really ok. You don't need to explain this to me," Nessie said with a grin on her face and a blush. It reminded me of when Bella was human. She would always blush around me. Especially when we were- HOLD UP!

"Wait just a darn second. What do you mean I don't need to explain this?!"

"Um, well. I kind of asked Jacob about it and he explained it to me," she said, her cheeks turning a darker shade of red.

"Nessie, show me what happened today."

"What?"

"Show. Me. Your. Day. With. Jacob."

She cringed and lifter her hand. She reached out and touched my face. Instantly I was filled with thoughts of Jacob and her running around, hunting, and then them at the cottage. She was asking him about sex and then it happened. I gulped and tried to stop the bile rising in my throat. Images of Jacob and Nessie having sex flooded my mind. I quickly pulled her hand away and looked at Jacob. I don't know how fierce my expression looked. But it sure felt fierce. That werewolf was going to PAY!

"YOU SICK PERVERT!" I shouted as I pounced on Jacob. Before I could catch him, he changed into his wolf form and bolted out of the house. "DON'T EVER GO NEAR MY DAUGHTER AGAIN!"

"So, who's hungry?" I heard Emmett say as the room filled with awkward silence.

"Emmett, shut the fuck up," Bella muttered.


A/N: Woo! I wrote a Twilight parody. I got the idea from my friend, Sarah, and her friend, Becca. Thanks for letting me write this! Also, in case my other readers are reading this: I'm halfway done with the next chapter of HIAMMSB. :) So hopefully I can update that soon. There's another parody that I'll be uploading shortly. It will have no reference to this one.