The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline.
Author: Yuna Clendenen
Hello...hello...I am a werido...which means I write crazy stuff. This is a fic about Selphie having her own show kinda gross in parts..hey I was pretty bored...O.o my first fic...be nice! I'm asian Caucasian!
The horror begins....starting...NOW!
Balamb Garden a beautiful site....filled with fun..laughter...and EVIL SELPHIE TILMITTS! GGGWA!!
Selphie: I am evil! *eyes go red* Hee hee! I'm sooooo happy!
Yuna: Can I start my story now?
Selphie: Heeyy you the author!
Yuna: Damn Skippy.
Selphie: What's up!
Yuna:......
Selphie: Not the friendly type?
Yuna: Let just continue.
Selphie: AHH YOU SOUND LIKE SQUALL!
Yuna: *yawns* Let's get this over with.
Selphie: Ok on with the show! Bye bye Yuna Clendenen!
Yuna: *walks off* and good riddence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The scene: A dark room with one chair....oooo!
Annoucer: Hello everybody! And welcome tooooooooo The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline! With you hostess with the mostess SELPHIE TILLMITT!
Selphie: Hello! Welcome to my hotline! I can't wait for your calls! *sits down in the chair* So..do we have a caller?
Caller: Hi..is this Selphie Tillmitt's Hotline?
Selphie: Gee golly whiz! Oh of course! Now what problem are you having trouble coping with?
Caller: Well...I..I..want this one guy but he never pays attention to me..what should I do!
Selphie: Umm? Piss in his room and leave a note saying "I want you I need you Oh baby!"
Caller: Tried that.
Selphie: Spank him.
Caller: Did that.
Selphie: Oh for heaven's sakes just rape the damn thing!
Caller: I..uh...tried...that.
Selphie: DAMMNIT I KNOW THIS IS YOU QUISTIS! YOU CAN'T GET SQUALL SO JUST STOP POUTING ABOUT IT!
Quistis (caller): But..how did you know it was me? Selphie..I. *Selphie hangs up*
Selphie: Next caller please! WOO-HOO!
Caller: Go out with me!
Selphie: err..next!
Caller: WAIT! NO!
Selphie: *hangs up* Next.
Caller: Su'p!?
Selphie: *sigh* What Zell..
Zell: I was wondering....umm..I have a hotdog problem.
Selphie: I can't help those kind of problems! KEEYA!
Zell: It's serious!
Selphie: Fine...
Zell: All my life..I only had one hotdog..the joy of it all. It was the best thing ever *tears up* I want more...I never had one since 1987!
Selphie:....Uh Zell..why don't you try a new food? There is plenty out there!
Zell: No no, you don't understand!
Selphie: Hotdogs are bad for you! They mess up your damned body and crush you into bloody pulp!
Zell: But..but..
Selphie: Try pickles! Or..my absolute favorite hambuger buns! Plain sweet hambuger buns! Yum Yum!
Zell: But Selphie I..
Selphie: HYNE DAMNIT! JUST TRY SOMETHING KNEW HYNE DAMN ONCE! *hangs up* NEXXXXTTTT!!
Caller: Hi Selphie! It's me Rinoa!
Selphie: Hey soul sista!
Rinoa: I called your so super cool hotline thingy it's the best!
Selphie: Oh isn't though?!
Rinoa: I really have a problem.
Selphie: Why Rinoa! You of all people!?
Rinoa: Yes. I'm having trouble with my clothes!
Selphie: Your clothes? Why your clothes?!
Rinoa: It's kinda hard to say on public T.V.!
Selphie: Oh well say it anyways!
Rinoa: Selphie...
Selphie: JUST SAY THE STUPID THING! IT'S PROBABLY EVEN NOT THAT BAD! HYNE'S SAKE!
Rinoa: Ok...fine..my clothes always seem to get ripped off.
Selphie: Eww! What are you doing to your self, honey!
Rinoa: It's NOT me Selphie! It's....it's Squall..OK!
Selphie: *Gasp* SQUALL! Woah back up, back up did you say Squall! As in "The bitchy scary guy with no feelings"?!
Rinoa: YESS! Everynight we..uhh..umm..he..uh..
Selphie: Rips off your clothes...right?
Rinoa: Exactly!
Selphie: And...do you want that to happen?
Rinoa: Well you see...it's not that I don't like it..it's just I would prefer to take my own clothes off before we have sex.
Selphie: AHH YOU GUYS HAVE SEX!
Rinoa:.....
Selphie: Ok ok! Sorry Rinny...well..uhh...gosh...tell him not too.
Rinoa: It's not that easy!
Selphie: How hard is it!?
Rinoa:...To hard to explain.
Selphie: I understand perfectly..there is nothing I can do for you sorry Rinny!
Rinoa: Wait!! I can't stand it any..*Selphie hangs up*
Selphie: Our next caller is a person with a speech problem! ^.^
Caller: HELLO.
Selphie: Hi poor person with speech problem!
Caller: ....HELP.
Selphie: Oooo!! Differently I think I can help!
Caller: GOOD.
Selphie: Now is about your "speech" problem?
Caller: NO.
Selphie: Then what is it, man!?
Caller: SEX.
Selphie: ?!? Ermm umm..what kind of problem?
Caller: MASTURBATE. ADVICE.
Selphie: Oh dear....you want some masturbating advice? I'm sorry litttle Selphie Tillmitt does not masturbate! Nor will she ever!
Caller: TOO. BAD.
Selphie: SORRY FUIJIN!
Fuijin: *stunned and embrassed* NOT. FUIJIN!! *hang up*
Selphie: Phew! What a night! Next caller please! We have a male from Texas?!
Caller: Please Selphie go out with me! I won't read porno anymore!
Selphie:..Ehh heh heh..go away Irvy this show is for only people with probs!
Irvine: But I do have probs! The problem is you don't wanna go out with me!
Selphie: Get off of my show your wasting time! SCRAM!
Irvine: Wait my love! My butter cup! My pumpkin! *Selphie hangs up*
Selphie: Ok next pweese!
Caller: Greetings.
Selphie: So what problems are you dealing with this fine summer afternoon?
Caller: SeeDs..#$@% them!!
Selphie: Heeeeey!! This is an anti-potty mouth program!
Caller: I don't give a %*@#!!
Selphie: What's wrong with SeeDs?
Caller: They Sukk! Kurse them!
Selphie: *gulp* I know that lame excuse for a russian accent anywhere! It's Ulti oatmeal!
Ultimecia: That's Ultimecia..
Selphie: Sorry...but how the crap are you still alive!
Ultimecia: I'm not! I'm in hell! Satan let me use the pay phone for 50 gil.
Selphie: Oooooooh! Well you problem sure is stupid!
Ultimecia: You don't know what kind of life I live in now! Thanks to SeeD, Demons kut my eyes out, nibble on them, and push them back in! It's daily!
Selphie: Sucks to be you.
Ultimecia: *lighting a cigerette* I know, huh?
Selphie: Well there is no wrongies with SeeD! I am a proud member of it!
Ultimecia: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY! You, equals SeeD!?
Selphie: Yup I'm a SeeD!
Ultimecia: KURSE YOU! *hangs up*
Selphie: WOOOOOO! Next please!
Caller: *in a low fakey voice* Want some sweet phone sex?
Selphie: Go away Irvy!
Irvine: Awww man! *hangs up*
Selphie: *yawns* Next please!
Caller: My ballz itch.
Selphie: ??!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! EVERYONE IS A SEX-FREAK! FOR THE LUV OF HYNE, STOP THE MADNESS!
Caller: Hell fire.
Selphie: AHHH IFRIT!!
Ifrit: I told ya my problem, What ever shall I do?!
Selphie: Just go buy some cream or something! *hangs up* Next caller pleassse!!
Caller: ...
Selphie: Yes? Hello?
Caller: ...
Selphie: How may I help you?! HELLO! Is this some kind of joke!?
Caller: ...
Selphie: Oh forget it! *hangs up* Next lucky caller!!
Caller: I need you back in my arms once again!
Selphie: Oh cut the crap Irvy!!
Irvine: Sorry! Geez! *hangs up*
Selphie: It's been a lonnng day! Next!
Caller: Must...have..hot..dogs..
Selphie: Zell!? You again?! I told you to eat hamburger buns! Now piss off! *hangs up*
NEXT! How may I help you?!
Caller: I'm sooo pissed off!
Selphie: And why is that?
Caller: I falied the exam again!!
Selphie: AHA! It's Seifer!
Seifer: No $hit..
Selphie: I got the answer too your probelm!
Seifer: Whut, huh?
Selphie: You never pass because your a dumb-assed kid who doesn't follow the rules! NEXT!!
Seifer: Hey, hey, hey, DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL YA TALKIN' TOO? HUH? BITCH! DO YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON I SHOULDN'T BEAT YA FACE IN RIGHT NOW! YOU STUPID..*Selphie hangs up*
Selphie: Next please!
Caller: *singing* Let's get it on..
Selphie: IRVY!!
Irvine: Opps! *hangs up*
Selphie: Oh my lord...next.
Caller: ......Hello.
Selphie: Hiya! What can I do for ya!?
Caller:...Help me find a better girlfriend.
Selphie: Oh is this you Squally!?
Squall:...No comment.
Selphie: I'm gonna answer your problem right now. NO YOU CAN NOT HAVE A BETTER GIRLFRIEND! Yer gonna keep Rinny!
Squall: You mean RinHOa?
Selphie: How dare ya! Your the one who rips her clothing off! Whos' the pervert now!!!??
Squall: ....
Selphie: GOTCHA!
Squall: I love her and all...it's just that...
Selphie: Just what!? Is she JUST your "sexslave"?
Squall: Oh hell no.
Selphie: Then don't rip her clothes off! What has she ever done to you!
Squall: ...You really wanna know?
Selphie: Yes certainly!
Squall: She pushes me against the hallway wall and frenches me.
Selphie: GOOD GRACIOUS! Seriously?!
Squall: Yeah.
Selphie: Suductive, eh? Rar..
Squall: Whatever...
Selphie: Well do you like it when she does it?
Squall: .......Ye-Yeah..
Selphie: Then keep her! Case closed! *Hangs up..at least she thinks..*
Squall: *off phone but Selphie hears* Rinoa, baby?
Rinoa: Yes, hottie?
Squall:... *ripping sounds*
Selphie: *gasp* I must know what happens!
~5 minutes later~
Rinoa: OH GOD SQUUUAAAAALLLLL!!!! OOOOOOOOOHH GODDDDDDD!!!!!
Selphie: *winches* Ok enough with that! *hangs up immediately* Oww my ear drums hurt! Next!
Caller: Hey fo-xy la-dy..
Selphie: YOU AGAIN!?
Irvine: AHH! *hangs up*
Selphie: *sigh* Next..
Caller: Oh no! Major problem over Sefie!!
Selphie: What is it?
Caller: I can't send anyone to the past anymore!! GWAA! What will become of me!
Selphie: Put a butt in it, Ellone! *hangs up* Next please...
Caller: Ya...know?
Selphie: Damnnit Raijin! *hangs up* NEEEEXT!
Caller: Hello young one, you see I need more body tape for this here dress, and I was wondering do you have any, Selphie, dear?
Selphie: Sorry Matron, all out! *hangs up* Next..are last caller for the day! FINALLY!
Caller: .....I love you more than life it's self!!
Selphie: IRRRRRVVVVVVYYYY GO AWAYYYY! YOU RUINED EVERTHING!!
Irvine:....My bad. I love you Selphie!!
Selphie: Grrr..
Irvine: SOORRRYY! *hangs up*
Selphie: Thanks alot for the calls! That about wraps it up for today! Joins me next time on The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline!
Yuna: Yup the story directed by me! Yuna Clendenen!
Selphie: WOAH!! The author! Umm..heh heh got to go check my room and see if uhh..Irvine is hiding in the closet! B..bye!
Yuna: Hee hee! *messes up the studio with spray paint and blue wax.
~The End~
Hi! Hope y'all liked my fic! REVIEW! Tell me if I should do a nother one like this.
Author: Yuna Clendenen
Hello...hello...I am a werido...which means I write crazy stuff. This is a fic about Selphie having her own show kinda gross in parts..hey I was pretty bored...O.o my first fic...be nice! I'm asian Caucasian!
The horror begins....starting...NOW!
Balamb Garden a beautiful site....filled with fun..laughter...and EVIL SELPHIE TILMITTS! GGGWA!!
Selphie: I am evil! *eyes go red* Hee hee! I'm sooooo happy!
Yuna: Can I start my story now?
Selphie: Heeyy you the author!
Yuna: Damn Skippy.
Selphie: What's up!
Yuna:......
Selphie: Not the friendly type?
Yuna: Let just continue.
Selphie: AHH YOU SOUND LIKE SQUALL!
Yuna: *yawns* Let's get this over with.
Selphie: Ok on with the show! Bye bye Yuna Clendenen!
Yuna: *walks off* and good riddence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The scene: A dark room with one chair....oooo!
Annoucer: Hello everybody! And welcome tooooooooo The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline! With you hostess with the mostess SELPHIE TILLMITT!
Selphie: Hello! Welcome to my hotline! I can't wait for your calls! *sits down in the chair* So..do we have a caller?
Caller: Hi..is this Selphie Tillmitt's Hotline?
Selphie: Gee golly whiz! Oh of course! Now what problem are you having trouble coping with?
Caller: Well...I..I..want this one guy but he never pays attention to me..what should I do!
Selphie: Umm? Piss in his room and leave a note saying "I want you I need you Oh baby!"
Caller: Tried that.
Selphie: Spank him.
Caller: Did that.
Selphie: Oh for heaven's sakes just rape the damn thing!
Caller: I..uh...tried...that.
Selphie: DAMMNIT I KNOW THIS IS YOU QUISTIS! YOU CAN'T GET SQUALL SO JUST STOP POUTING ABOUT IT!
Quistis (caller): But..how did you know it was me? Selphie..I. *Selphie hangs up*
Selphie: Next caller please! WOO-HOO!
Caller: Go out with me!
Selphie: err..next!
Caller: WAIT! NO!
Selphie: *hangs up* Next.
Caller: Su'p!?
Selphie: *sigh* What Zell..
Zell: I was wondering....umm..I have a hotdog problem.
Selphie: I can't help those kind of problems! KEEYA!
Zell: It's serious!
Selphie: Fine...
Zell: All my life..I only had one hotdog..the joy of it all. It was the best thing ever *tears up* I want more...I never had one since 1987!
Selphie:....Uh Zell..why don't you try a new food? There is plenty out there!
Zell: No no, you don't understand!
Selphie: Hotdogs are bad for you! They mess up your damned body and crush you into bloody pulp!
Zell: But..but..
Selphie: Try pickles! Or..my absolute favorite hambuger buns! Plain sweet hambuger buns! Yum Yum!
Zell: But Selphie I..
Selphie: HYNE DAMNIT! JUST TRY SOMETHING KNEW HYNE DAMN ONCE! *hangs up* NEXXXXTTTT!!
Caller: Hi Selphie! It's me Rinoa!
Selphie: Hey soul sista!
Rinoa: I called your so super cool hotline thingy it's the best!
Selphie: Oh isn't though?!
Rinoa: I really have a problem.
Selphie: Why Rinoa! You of all people!?
Rinoa: Yes. I'm having trouble with my clothes!
Selphie: Your clothes? Why your clothes?!
Rinoa: It's kinda hard to say on public T.V.!
Selphie: Oh well say it anyways!
Rinoa: Selphie...
Selphie: JUST SAY THE STUPID THING! IT'S PROBABLY EVEN NOT THAT BAD! HYNE'S SAKE!
Rinoa: Ok...fine..my clothes always seem to get ripped off.
Selphie: Eww! What are you doing to your self, honey!
Rinoa: It's NOT me Selphie! It's....it's Squall..OK!
Selphie: *Gasp* SQUALL! Woah back up, back up did you say Squall! As in "The bitchy scary guy with no feelings"?!
Rinoa: YESS! Everynight we..uhh..umm..he..uh..
Selphie: Rips off your clothes...right?
Rinoa: Exactly!
Selphie: And...do you want that to happen?
Rinoa: Well you see...it's not that I don't like it..it's just I would prefer to take my own clothes off before we have sex.
Selphie: AHH YOU GUYS HAVE SEX!
Rinoa:.....
Selphie: Ok ok! Sorry Rinny...well..uhh...gosh...tell him not too.
Rinoa: It's not that easy!
Selphie: How hard is it!?
Rinoa:...To hard to explain.
Selphie: I understand perfectly..there is nothing I can do for you sorry Rinny!
Rinoa: Wait!! I can't stand it any..*Selphie hangs up*
Selphie: Our next caller is a person with a speech problem! ^.^
Caller: HELLO.
Selphie: Hi poor person with speech problem!
Caller: ....HELP.
Selphie: Oooo!! Differently I think I can help!
Caller: GOOD.
Selphie: Now is about your "speech" problem?
Caller: NO.
Selphie: Then what is it, man!?
Caller: SEX.
Selphie: ?!? Ermm umm..what kind of problem?
Caller: MASTURBATE. ADVICE.
Selphie: Oh dear....you want some masturbating advice? I'm sorry litttle Selphie Tillmitt does not masturbate! Nor will she ever!
Caller: TOO. BAD.
Selphie: SORRY FUIJIN!
Fuijin: *stunned and embrassed* NOT. FUIJIN!! *hang up*
Selphie: Phew! What a night! Next caller please! We have a male from Texas?!
Caller: Please Selphie go out with me! I won't read porno anymore!
Selphie:..Ehh heh heh..go away Irvy this show is for only people with probs!
Irvine: But I do have probs! The problem is you don't wanna go out with me!
Selphie: Get off of my show your wasting time! SCRAM!
Irvine: Wait my love! My butter cup! My pumpkin! *Selphie hangs up*
Selphie: Ok next pweese!
Caller: Greetings.
Selphie: So what problems are you dealing with this fine summer afternoon?
Caller: SeeDs..#$@% them!!
Selphie: Heeeeey!! This is an anti-potty mouth program!
Caller: I don't give a %*@#!!
Selphie: What's wrong with SeeDs?
Caller: They Sukk! Kurse them!
Selphie: *gulp* I know that lame excuse for a russian accent anywhere! It's Ulti oatmeal!
Ultimecia: That's Ultimecia..
Selphie: Sorry...but how the crap are you still alive!
Ultimecia: I'm not! I'm in hell! Satan let me use the pay phone for 50 gil.
Selphie: Oooooooh! Well you problem sure is stupid!
Ultimecia: You don't know what kind of life I live in now! Thanks to SeeD, Demons kut my eyes out, nibble on them, and push them back in! It's daily!
Selphie: Sucks to be you.
Ultimecia: *lighting a cigerette* I know, huh?
Selphie: Well there is no wrongies with SeeD! I am a proud member of it!
Ultimecia: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY! You, equals SeeD!?
Selphie: Yup I'm a SeeD!
Ultimecia: KURSE YOU! *hangs up*
Selphie: WOOOOOO! Next please!
Caller: *in a low fakey voice* Want some sweet phone sex?
Selphie: Go away Irvy!
Irvine: Awww man! *hangs up*
Selphie: *yawns* Next please!
Caller: My ballz itch.
Selphie: ??!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! EVERYONE IS A SEX-FREAK! FOR THE LUV OF HYNE, STOP THE MADNESS!
Caller: Hell fire.
Selphie: AHHH IFRIT!!
Ifrit: I told ya my problem, What ever shall I do?!
Selphie: Just go buy some cream or something! *hangs up* Next caller pleassse!!
Caller: ...
Selphie: Yes? Hello?
Caller: ...
Selphie: How may I help you?! HELLO! Is this some kind of joke!?
Caller: ...
Selphie: Oh forget it! *hangs up* Next lucky caller!!
Caller: I need you back in my arms once again!
Selphie: Oh cut the crap Irvy!!
Irvine: Sorry! Geez! *hangs up*
Selphie: It's been a lonnng day! Next!
Caller: Must...have..hot..dogs..
Selphie: Zell!? You again?! I told you to eat hamburger buns! Now piss off! *hangs up*
NEXT! How may I help you?!
Caller: I'm sooo pissed off!
Selphie: And why is that?
Caller: I falied the exam again!!
Selphie: AHA! It's Seifer!
Seifer: No $hit..
Selphie: I got the answer too your probelm!
Seifer: Whut, huh?
Selphie: You never pass because your a dumb-assed kid who doesn't follow the rules! NEXT!!
Seifer: Hey, hey, hey, DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL YA TALKIN' TOO? HUH? BITCH! DO YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON I SHOULDN'T BEAT YA FACE IN RIGHT NOW! YOU STUPID..*Selphie hangs up*
Selphie: Next please!
Caller: *singing* Let's get it on..
Selphie: IRVY!!
Irvine: Opps! *hangs up*
Selphie: Oh my lord...next.
Caller: ......Hello.
Selphie: Hiya! What can I do for ya!?
Caller:...Help me find a better girlfriend.
Selphie: Oh is this you Squally!?
Squall:...No comment.
Selphie: I'm gonna answer your problem right now. NO YOU CAN NOT HAVE A BETTER GIRLFRIEND! Yer gonna keep Rinny!
Squall: You mean RinHOa?
Selphie: How dare ya! Your the one who rips her clothing off! Whos' the pervert now!!!??
Squall: ....
Selphie: GOTCHA!
Squall: I love her and all...it's just that...
Selphie: Just what!? Is she JUST your "sexslave"?
Squall: Oh hell no.
Selphie: Then don't rip her clothes off! What has she ever done to you!
Squall: ...You really wanna know?
Selphie: Yes certainly!
Squall: She pushes me against the hallway wall and frenches me.
Selphie: GOOD GRACIOUS! Seriously?!
Squall: Yeah.
Selphie: Suductive, eh? Rar..
Squall: Whatever...
Selphie: Well do you like it when she does it?
Squall: .......Ye-Yeah..
Selphie: Then keep her! Case closed! *Hangs up..at least she thinks..*
Squall: *off phone but Selphie hears* Rinoa, baby?
Rinoa: Yes, hottie?
Squall:... *ripping sounds*
Selphie: *gasp* I must know what happens!
~5 minutes later~
Rinoa: OH GOD SQUUUAAAAALLLLL!!!! OOOOOOOOOHH GODDDDDDD!!!!!
Selphie: *winches* Ok enough with that! *hangs up immediately* Oww my ear drums hurt! Next!
Caller: Hey fo-xy la-dy..
Selphie: YOU AGAIN!?
Irvine: AHH! *hangs up*
Selphie: *sigh* Next..
Caller: Oh no! Major problem over Sefie!!
Selphie: What is it?
Caller: I can't send anyone to the past anymore!! GWAA! What will become of me!
Selphie: Put a butt in it, Ellone! *hangs up* Next please...
Caller: Ya...know?
Selphie: Damnnit Raijin! *hangs up* NEEEEXT!
Caller: Hello young one, you see I need more body tape for this here dress, and I was wondering do you have any, Selphie, dear?
Selphie: Sorry Matron, all out! *hangs up* Next..are last caller for the day! FINALLY!
Caller: .....I love you more than life it's self!!
Selphie: IRRRRRVVVVVVYYYY GO AWAYYYY! YOU RUINED EVERTHING!!
Irvine:....My bad. I love you Selphie!!
Selphie: Grrr..
Irvine: SOORRRYY! *hangs up*
Selphie: Thanks alot for the calls! That about wraps it up for today! Joins me next time on The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline!
Yuna: Yup the story directed by me! Yuna Clendenen!
Selphie: WOAH!! The author! Umm..heh heh got to go check my room and see if uhh..Irvine is hiding in the closet! B..bye!
Yuna: Hee hee! *messes up the studio with spray paint and blue wax.
~The End~
Hi! Hope y'all liked my fic! REVIEW! Tell me if I should do a nother one like this.
