The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline.

Author: Yuna Clendenen

Hello...hello...I am a werido...which means I write crazy stuff. This is a fic about Selphie having her own show kinda gross in parts..hey I was pretty bored...O.o my first fic...be nice! I'm asian Caucasian!

The horror begins....starting...NOW!

Balamb Garden a beautiful site....filled with fun..laughter...and EVIL SELPHIE TILMITTS! GGGWA!!

Selphie: I am evil! *eyes go red* Hee hee! I'm sooooo happy!

Yuna: Can I start my story now?

Selphie: Heeyy you the author!

Yuna: Damn Skippy.

Selphie: What's up!

Yuna:......

Selphie: Not the friendly type?

Yuna: Let just continue.

Selphie: AHH YOU SOUND LIKE SQUALL!

Yuna: *yawns* Let's get this over with.

Selphie: Ok on with the show! Bye bye Yuna Clendenen!

Yuna: *walks off* and good riddence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The scene: A dark room with one chair....oooo!
Annoucer: Hello everybody! And welcome tooooooooo The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline! With you hostess with the mostess SELPHIE TILLMITT!

Selphie: Hello! Welcome to my hotline! I can't wait for your calls! *sits down in the chair* So..do we have a caller?

Caller: Hi..is this Selphie Tillmitt's Hotline?

Selphie: Gee golly whiz! Oh of course! Now what problem are you having trouble coping with?

Caller: Well...I..I..want this one guy but he never pays attention to me..what should I do!

Selphie: Umm? Piss in his room and leave a note saying "I want you I need you Oh baby!"

Caller: Tried that.

Selphie: Spank him.

Caller: Did that.

Selphie: Oh for heaven's sakes just rape the damn thing!

Caller: I..uh...tried...that.

Selphie: DAMMNIT I KNOW THIS IS YOU QUISTIS! YOU CAN'T GET SQUALL SO JUST STOP POUTING ABOUT IT!

Quistis (caller): But..how did you know it was me? Selphie..I. *Selphie hangs up*

Selphie: Next caller please! WOO-HOO!

Caller: Go out with me!

Selphie: err..next!

Caller: WAIT! NO!

Selphie: *hangs up* Next.

Caller: Su'p!?

Selphie: *sigh* What Zell..

Zell: I was wondering....umm..I have a hotdog problem.

Selphie: I can't help those kind of problems! KEEYA!

Zell: It's serious!

Selphie: Fine...

Zell: All my life..I only had one hotdog..the joy of it all. It was the best thing ever *tears up* I want more...I never had one since 1987!

Selphie:....Uh Zell..why don't you try a new food? There is plenty out there!

Zell: No no, you don't understand!

Selphie: Hotdogs are bad for you! They mess up your damned body and crush you into bloody pulp!

Zell: But..but..

Selphie: Try pickles! Or..my absolute favorite hambuger buns! Plain sweet hambuger buns! Yum Yum!

Zell: But Selphie I..

Selphie: HYNE DAMNIT! JUST TRY SOMETHING KNEW HYNE DAMN ONCE! *hangs up* NEXXXXTTTT!!

Caller: Hi Selphie! It's me Rinoa!

Selphie: Hey soul sista!

Rinoa: I called your so super cool hotline thingy it's the best!

Selphie: Oh isn't though?!

Rinoa: I really have a problem.

Selphie: Why Rinoa! You of all people!?

Rinoa: Yes. I'm having trouble with my clothes!

Selphie: Your clothes? Why your clothes?!

Rinoa: It's kinda hard to say on public T.V.!

Selphie: Oh well say it anyways!

Rinoa: Selphie...

Selphie: JUST SAY THE STUPID THING! IT'S PROBABLY EVEN NOT THAT BAD! HYNE'S SAKE!

Rinoa: Ok...fine..my clothes always seem to get ripped off.

Selphie: Eww! What are you doing to your self, honey!

Rinoa: It's NOT me Selphie! It's....it's Squall..OK!

Selphie: *Gasp* SQUALL! Woah back up, back up did you say Squall! As in "The bitchy scary guy with no feelings"?!

Rinoa: YESS! Everynight we..uhh..umm..he..uh..

Selphie: Rips off your clothes...right?

Rinoa: Exactly!

Selphie: And...do you want that to happen?

Rinoa: Well you see...it's not that I don't like it..it's just I would prefer to take my own clothes off before we have sex.

Selphie: AHH YOU GUYS HAVE SEX!

Rinoa:.....

Selphie: Ok ok! Sorry Rinny...well..uhh...gosh...tell him not too.

Rinoa: It's not that easy!

Selphie: How hard is it!?

Rinoa:...To hard to explain.

Selphie: I understand perfectly..there is nothing I can do for you sorry Rinny!

Rinoa: Wait!! I can't stand it any..*Selphie hangs up*

Selphie: Our next caller is a person with a speech problem! ^.^

Caller: HELLO.

Selphie: Hi poor person with speech problem!

Caller: ....HELP.

Selphie: Oooo!! Differently I think I can help!

Caller: GOOD.

Selphie: Now is about your "speech" problem?

Caller: NO.

Selphie: Then what is it, man!?

Caller: SEX.

Selphie: ?!? Ermm umm..what kind of problem?

Caller: MASTURBATE. ADVICE.

Selphie: Oh dear....you want some masturbating advice? I'm sorry litttle Selphie Tillmitt does not masturbate! Nor will she ever!

Caller: TOO. BAD.

Selphie: SORRY FUIJIN!

Fuijin: *stunned and embrassed* NOT. FUIJIN!! *hang up*

Selphie: Phew! What a night! Next caller please! We have a male from Texas?!

Caller: Please Selphie go out with me! I won't read porno anymore!

Selphie:..Ehh heh heh..go away Irvy this show is for only people with probs!

Irvine: But I do have probs! The problem is you don't wanna go out with me!

Selphie: Get off of my show your wasting time! SCRAM!

Irvine: Wait my love! My butter cup! My pumpkin! *Selphie hangs up*

Selphie: Ok next pweese!

Caller: Greetings.

Selphie: So what problems are you dealing with this fine summer afternoon?

Caller: SeeDs..#$@% them!!

Selphie: Heeeeey!! This is an anti-potty mouth program!

Caller: I don't give a %*@#!!

Selphie: What's wrong with SeeDs?

Caller: They Sukk! Kurse them!

Selphie: *gulp* I know that lame excuse for a russian accent anywhere! It's Ulti oatmeal!

Ultimecia: That's Ultimecia..

Selphie: Sorry...but how the crap are you still alive!

Ultimecia: I'm not! I'm in hell! Satan let me use the pay phone for 50 gil.

Selphie: Oooooooh! Well you problem sure is stupid!

Ultimecia: You don't know what kind of life I live in now! Thanks to SeeD, Demons kut my eyes out, nibble on them, and push them back in! It's daily!

Selphie: Sucks to be you.

Ultimecia: *lighting a cigerette* I know, huh?

Selphie: Well there is no wrongies with SeeD! I am a proud member of it!

Ultimecia: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY! You, equals SeeD!?

Selphie: Yup I'm a SeeD!

Ultimecia: KURSE YOU! *hangs up*

Selphie: WOOOOOO! Next please!

Caller: *in a low fakey voice* Want some sweet phone sex?

Selphie: Go away Irvy!

Irvine: Awww man! *hangs up*

Selphie: *yawns* Next please!

Caller: My ballz itch.

Selphie: ??!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! EVERYONE IS A SEX-FREAK! FOR THE LUV OF HYNE, STOP THE MADNESS!

Caller: Hell fire.

Selphie: AHHH IFRIT!!

Ifrit: I told ya my problem, What ever shall I do?!

Selphie: Just go buy some cream or something! *hangs up* Next caller pleassse!!

Caller: ...

Selphie: Yes? Hello?

Caller: ...

Selphie: How may I help you?! HELLO! Is this some kind of joke!?

Caller: ...

Selphie: Oh forget it! *hangs up* Next lucky caller!!

Caller: I need you back in my arms once again!

Selphie: Oh cut the crap Irvy!!

Irvine: Sorry! Geez! *hangs up*

Selphie: It's been a lonnng day! Next!

Caller: Must...have..hot..dogs..

Selphie: Zell!? You again?! I told you to eat hamburger buns! Now piss off! *hangs up*
NEXT! How may I help you?!

Caller: I'm sooo pissed off!

Selphie: And why is that?

Caller: I falied the exam again!!

Selphie: AHA! It's Seifer!

Seifer: No $hit..

Selphie: I got the answer too your probelm!

Seifer: Whut, huh?

Selphie: You never pass because your a dumb-assed kid who doesn't follow the rules! NEXT!!

Seifer: Hey, hey, hey, DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL YA TALKIN' TOO? HUH? BITCH! DO YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON I SHOULDN'T BEAT YA FACE IN RIGHT NOW! YOU STUPID..*Selphie hangs up*

Selphie: Next please!

Caller: *singing* Let's get it on..

Selphie: IRVY!!

Irvine: Opps! *hangs up*

Selphie: Oh my lord...next.

Caller: ......Hello.

Selphie: Hiya! What can I do for ya!?

Caller:...Help me find a better girlfriend.

Selphie: Oh is this you Squally!?

Squall:...No comment.

Selphie: I'm gonna answer your problem right now. NO YOU CAN NOT HAVE A BETTER GIRLFRIEND! Yer gonna keep Rinny!

Squall: You mean RinHOa?

Selphie: How dare ya! Your the one who rips her clothing off! Whos' the pervert now!!!??

Squall: ....

Selphie: GOTCHA!

Squall: I love her and all...it's just that...

Selphie: Just what!? Is she JUST your "sexslave"?

Squall: Oh hell no.

Selphie: Then don't rip her clothes off! What has she ever done to you!

Squall: ...You really wanna know?

Selphie: Yes certainly!

Squall: She pushes me against the hallway wall and frenches me.

Selphie: GOOD GRACIOUS! Seriously?!

Squall: Yeah.

Selphie: Suductive, eh? Rar..

Squall: Whatever...

Selphie: Well do you like it when she does it?

Squall: .......Ye-Yeah..

Selphie: Then keep her! Case closed! *Hangs up..at least she thinks..*

Squall: *off phone but Selphie hears* Rinoa, baby?

Rinoa: Yes, hottie?

Squall:... *ripping sounds*

Selphie: *gasp* I must know what happens!
~5 minutes later~

Rinoa: OH GOD SQUUUAAAAALLLLL!!!! OOOOOOOOOHH GODDDDDDD!!!!!

Selphie: *winches* Ok enough with that! *hangs up immediately* Oww my ear drums hurt! Next!

Caller: Hey fo-xy la-dy..

Selphie: YOU AGAIN!?

Irvine: AHH! *hangs up*

Selphie: *sigh* Next..

Caller: Oh no! Major problem over Sefie!!

Selphie: What is it?

Caller: I can't send anyone to the past anymore!! GWAA! What will become of me!

Selphie: Put a butt in it, Ellone! *hangs up* Next please...

Caller: Ya...know?

Selphie: Damnnit Raijin! *hangs up* NEEEEXT!

Caller: Hello young one, you see I need more body tape for this here dress, and I was wondering do you have any, Selphie, dear?

Selphie: Sorry Matron, all out! *hangs up* Next..are last caller for the day! FINALLY!

Caller: .....I love you more than life it's self!!

Selphie: IRRRRRVVVVVVYYYY GO AWAYYYY! YOU RUINED EVERTHING!!

Irvine:....My bad. I love you Selphie!!

Selphie: Grrr..

Irvine: SOORRRYY! *hangs up*

Selphie: Thanks alot for the calls! That about wraps it up for today! Joins me next time on The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline!

Yuna: Yup the story directed by me! Yuna Clendenen!

Selphie: WOAH!! The author! Umm..heh heh got to go check my room and see if uhh..Irvine is hiding in the closet! B..bye!

Yuna: Hee hee! *messes up the studio with spray paint and blue wax.

~The End~

Hi! Hope y'all liked my fic! REVIEW! Tell me if I should do a nother one like this.