"Kiss me," Sarah said, as she looked into Chuck's eyes. Working for the CIA, Sarah had always been an expert at reading people and the way this man looked at her…there was pain and disbelief in his eyes, so much so that Sarah was expecting him to deny her request and leave it, if it wasn't for the hope that flooded out of them.
She felt him place his hand on her back as he leaned towards her and did as she had said. She could not remember him kissing her before, no matter how hard she tried, yet the sensations were so familiar her brain was almost scrambling to find any scrap of an event like this before.
Eventually, she recalled kissing him before, but the memory felt awkward and involved another man. She didn't remember him very well either, only the fact that she found him near insufferable and that he liked martini's and resented him for making her kiss Chuck, as much as she could remember enjoying it.
When Chuck pulled away, the hope that Sarah had noticed before had increased tenfold, to the point he was almost silently pleading her to say 'I remember', but she couldn't. She could recall that single memory, and even then it was hazy. How much had that Quinn bastard stolen from her?
"I love you, Sarah," Chuck said, hoping that he didn't sound as though he was wishing for her to come back. Yes, she was physically next to him, still close enough that he could lean in and kiss her again before she even noticed what he was doing, but the Sarah that Chuck had fell in love with had gone and while he would still love her with all he could, he just wanted the woman he married back.
She smiled at him, although it was only for a short few seconds before her expression changed into one that could only be read as an apology and with that, Chuck felt his whole world shatter into a thousand pieces.
"Nothing, huh?" he asked, sounding as defeated as he felt.
"I remember kissing you when this…barely tolerable man was around, but I don't remember why we did or where we were," Chuck made a noise that sounded vaguely like a laugh, although he sounded disappointed, making Sarah finish with a definitive, "I'm sorry."
"It was worth a shot," Chuck said, attempting to sound nonchalant despite the fact he was obviously hurting, "Morgan has had some good ideas," he finished with a chuckle.
There was nothing else to be said after that. Sarah had heard all of hers and Chuck's story, and as fun as it was to listen to, she could barely remember anything. What she did was full of holes and uncertainties, her mind grasping at the supressed memories but unable to find the strength to pull them out. In time, maybe she would be able to come back to her husband and while things will never be able to fully return to how they were, she would be able to think back on all the silly things she had been told and laugh with the genuine memory.
The sun had long since finished setting by the time Sarah stood up and informed Chuck that she had to pack, as she was planning on moving across the country. She didn't say where she was headed or what she would be doing, but as long as it made her happy, Chuck was okay with her leaving.
They shared a quick kiss goodbye, and while neither would ever admit to it, the truth was they were both hoping that the emotional farewell would bring everything flooding back and that Sarah would ignore her plans to move to wherever she was going and return to her home with her husband. Sadly, it was not to be and the woman left, leaving Chuck alone.
The apartment seemed so old, Sarah realised. Not old as in time it had actually existed, but old as in the memory of living there. She had nothing in her head about this place for the past couple years, and trying to remember where she was in that period of time resulted in nothing but hitting a mental brick wall.
She hated the black box void everything seemed to be stuck in. Her heart was aching for her to go back to Chuck, but if she couldn't recall anything, what was the point?
She couldn't live her life with the man who she couldn't remember. If he or one of his family brought up something that happened between them which everyone found either cute and/or funny, she couldn't laugh about it or smile in reminiscence because for her the memory wasn't there. Sure, they could create new, cringe worthy fodder for family dinners and there was no doubt in Sarah's mind that they would be even better (or worse) than the originals, but that was the problem. They would not be the originals!
It didn't matter anyway, she needed to pack. There wasn't much here, evidence that she hadn't lived there in a while, but there was enough to get her by until she settled in in Miami. She had quite liked the idea of visiting Florida, and now seemed as good a time as any.
She couldn't' help but smirk at all the weapons she had hidden there for so long, evidence of working for the CIA. If any thief broke in thinking they could take the 30 year old blonde woman, they'd be sorely mistaken and severely hurt within seconds, possibly dead if they were any good at their 'job' and had the brains to attempt to fight back.
"Won't need these anymore," she sighed with a hint of relief. Being a spy was all she'd ever known and being done with it meant that she was free to live as she pleased.
Free to live in that little house with the picket fence with Chuck, she mused, placing a knife holder inside her suitcase, making a mental note to get rid of them as soon as she could.
While sorting through her underwear, deciding that she really did not need to take all of it with her (namely, the many seductive lingerie sets she had come to own over the years), she uncovered her Smith and Wesson Model 5906; it was always a favourite of hers, a good pistol that she could use in many a situation, such as the time she shot the Fulcrum agent, much to Chuck's dismay as she had essentially killed in cold blood.
Before long, there wasn't anything left to sort through. Sarah had all she needed and could now leave Burbank behind. She had contemplated taking the DVD that Casey had given to her before he left, but she decided against it, knowing that if she watched it enough, she might start to believe she remembers the things she was talking about, despite the fact she likely wouldn't.
After all, she certainly had no memory of the time she and Chuck believed they were about to be blown up and kissed, only for the bomb to actually contain Bryce. God, I felt awkward for weeks after that, she pressed her right palm to her face and smiled, her amusement being cut short when she realised that memory felt like it was really hers. How did I…?
The realisation didn't stop there…earlier when she was thinking about shooting Fulcrum, and the hurt she found in Chuck because she had killed in cold blood was a real memory too. She could remember the adrenaline that ran through her when she pulled the trigger, the sound of the gun, everything.
Since Sarah left the beach, she kept thinking over what Chuck had told her about their lives, although she only had the memories of being told about them, not the ones that were her own. But now, thinking about them, she could remember the events, as though she was there.
She remembered seeing Chuck for the first time at the Nerd Herd desk in the Buy More, the time she flawlessly lied about her feelings despite being under the effects of a deadly truth serum and when she finally came clean about them. There were foggy sections and things she couldn't remember at all, but some of it was coming back!
She was ready to drop everything, to go to Chuck and tell him that she remembered, but before she could she had a thought: What if he doesn't believe me?
Logically, Sarah knew that he had no reason to not believe her. They were married and hid as little as they could from each other, and he loved her and wanted the old her back. There was no logic behind Sarah believing he would accuse her of lying, even though she had done plenty of times before, but she couldn't bring herself to just abandon her move and return to him.
However, what if Chuck did believe her, like he logically should?
It hadn't been long since Sarah was in a position similar to this, but it had been a while since she had been at true conflict on what to do.
Chuck walked into Echo Park alone. He hoped Sarah would come with him and attempt to start over, but she needed to go and find herself again, which he understood.
He had never noticed how empty the residence was before, although that was likely because not only had Sarah gone, but so had Casey and Ellie, Devon and Clara.
At least there's still Morgan and Alex, he smiled, trying to make himself feel better.
The past five years had been the best in his life: He became a huge government asset, became a spy, became an uncle, married the most perfect woman to ever exist and was beginning to leave the spy life behind in favour of the normal life he never dreamed of wanting to have. Then Nicholas Quinn came and destroyed all the hopes he and Sarah had had for the future.
Making his way towards his apartment, Chuck would have been more than happy to just go inside and go to sleep, but he had failed to notice Morgan leaving his apartment and coming up behind him.
"Hey," Chuck heard him say as he came over to him, "how'd it go?"
Chuck turned slowly and sighed, pushing his right fist into his left palm before rubbing his hands together, "Well, Sarah decided that she needed some time to find herself and is preparing to move away from Burbank as we speak."
Morgan let out a sigh. "Hey, I'm sorry, buddy. She might come back one day" he said, before wrapping his arms around Chuck and giving him a hug and firm smack on the back before letting him go, "I need to go back to Alex, but y'know, come over if you need anything."
"Thanks Morgan, but I think I might just call it a night," he tried to smile, to show he was grateful for the offer Morgan had just given, but he was so defeated and tired that all he wanted to do was sleep.
He had only just shut his apartment door when he decided that he needed to get himself distracted before he attempted any sort of salvation through slumber, knowing the thoughts on his mind would keep him awake for hours.
He turned on his Xbox 360 and began to play on a game he picked up at the Buy More a couple weeks ago: Mass Effect 3.
He loved the aliens in it and the story line of the trilogy, and as soon as the game started, he began to play through the missions. It was working rather well and he was happily distracted until the game requested he spoke to Miranda Lawson, a character that he had joked looked like Sarah and sounded like her whenever she put on her convincing Australian accent.
Suddenly, the game didn't seem so fun anymore and he turned off his Xbox. She hadn't left him for someone else, there was every chance she would be back, but Chuck was still in an incredible amount of pain and couldn't think of any way to distract himself anymore.
He was very close to giving up, to going to bed and staring at the ceiling all night hoping for sleep when there was a knock at the door.
Glancing at the clock, Chuck found that it was 3 AM, and the general rule was no one good ever came to your door at 3 AM. Weeks ago, he would have had the couch cushions off and a tranquiliser gun equipped in a flash, with Sarah opting for a gun that could actually kill someone, but he didn't have it in him to go through that effort.
Chuck staggered towards the door and opened it, almost slamming it shut again when he saw an incredibly attractive blonde woman standing there: Sarah.
"Sarah, what are you doing here?" Chuck asked, eyes wide with shock only to become wider when his wife leaned forward and kissed him before lightly pushing him back into the apartment.
"I remembered."
