This is my attempt at something more humorous than my other story, Dead Men's Tales. While I'm updating that one on a weekly basis, these one-shots will come out more sporadically. Whenever I feel like writing one, anyways. But I'll probably update it semi-frequently, at least for a little while. The summary, characters, and story type for the collection will match that of the most recent one-shot. Enjoy!

RWBY does not own me, and also vice versa.


Pattern Recognition

In which one Bullhead pilot has finally had enough... (Humor, Parody)


Ozpin sipped his coffee, calming surveying the messages on his screen as he sat at his desk, simply enjoying the moment. As headmaster of one of the most prestigious combat schools in Remnant, rare were the times where he could just sit back and relax...without the slight nagging pang of guilt that he should be doing something, anyways. Everything was pretty much all set for the afternoon, and there were no problems which required his immediate attention. Just him, a cup of coffee, and several messages that only seemed slightly alarming.

A ding sounded, and Ozpin sighed, knowing that his relaxation was in jeopardy. Glancing up at the door, he nodded. "Glynda, how are things proceeding for the leadership shadow missions?"

Striding across the room to stand beside his desk, Glynda replied in her usual professional tone "All of the first year leaders have been paired up with a second year leader. They should just now be boarding their Bullheads for departure."

Ozpin turned his head to his screen. Hmmm, a new message...Absently, he responded "Excellent work as usual Glynda."

Letting out a deep breath, Glynda spoke with some exasperation "The first years can be such children sometimes. It took all I had to convince them to stay behind and let their leaders head out alone. Especially team RWBY and JNPR." She frowned deeply "Those two teams have a history of excellence, but sometimes they need to be reminded that they are afforded no special privileges for it."

Ozpin shrugged easily "They are concerned about their leaders. It is a sign that the teams we picked have been meshing very well with each other."

Glynda raised an eyebrow at that. "I seem to recall throwing them into the forest and letting blind chance pick the teams."

A cryptic smile crossed Ozpin's face. "I have my ways."

Deciding not to justify that remark with a response, Glynda continued "Well, at this point, everything is all set for the mission. Port and Oobleck should have no difficulty handling the students as they depart, so I left them to it to check in with you."

A mild frown settled on Ozpin's face. That message from earlier...it had something to do with this. Perhaps he should read it again...?

"Professor Ozpin?" Ozpin looked up to see his deputy looking at him with some mild concern, but mostly she just looked resigned. He did have a tendency to drift off into his own world from time to time. Every so now and then. Okay, maybe a lot more than that.

Calmly taking a sip from his coffee, Ozpin pulled up one of the messages he had just received. "It seems like there is some trouble on that end."

This statement was met with an exasperated sigh. "What did the students do this time?"

"Actually the students have nothing to do with this one. One of the Bullhead pilots refuses to fly."

"...What?!"


"Sir, if you would please calm down! We just need you to do your job, and get these students to their assigned location." Professor Oobleck was admittedly not the ideal person to try and smooth things out, given how rushed he always sounded.

"To hell with that! I ain't flying these kids anywhere. I know how this all goes!" An average, completely forgettable individual in a uniform argued.

Ozpin and Glynda approached as the argument continued. Given how fast Oobleck talked, and how angry the pilot was, it was nearly impossible to understand everything being said. Ozpin could have sworn he heard the words "toothpaste" and "ass" in the same sentence, which did not sound correct at all, politically or otherwise.

"Alright, that's enough!" Glynda stormed towards them, causing both men to flinch. "We will talk about this in a civilized manner. Am I clear?"

Having some pity on the man, Ozpin beckoned to Oobleck. "Why don't you take the team in question and have them wait over by the entrance? We'll talk this over and come to an agreement."

Oobleck seemed relieved, and immediately darted over to the group of leaders. Coco looked over at the pilot curiously, but shrugged, and followed Oobleck over to the hanger doors, along with Jaune and Ruby.

Ozpin turned to the pilot. "Now, I hear that you refuse to fly this team out for their mission?"

"That's exactly right." Something about Ozpin's presence seemed to calm the man, but he remained adamant. "I'm not going anywhere with that group."

Glynda sighed. "Look, I know that Miss Adel can be a lot to deal with. But I promise you, she is very professional when on a mission."

Ozpin coughed, memories of several complaints being lodged by Hunters a year ago, all of whom worked with Coco. Apparently, she had a tendency to criticize other people's choice in clothing. Abrasively. This tendency was second only to her penchant of responding to stupid questions with groin shots. Describing her as professional would be like describing Ozpin's average work day as productive.

"It has nothing to do with the crazy girl." The pilot insisted. "It's that boy I refuse to fly anywhere." He pointed straight at Jaune.

Glynda sighed. "We have given him prescription medicine for his motion sickness. The incident which occurred on their first mission will not be repeated."

"A little vomit never killed nobody." The pilot glared accusingly at Jaune. "But flying that kid certainly does."

Glynda looked a bit lost. "What?"

"Don't think we don't notice!" Working himself up again, the man bit out "A month ago, one of my co-workers flew that kid, along with some black haired chick, out for a mission. The flight crashed, and those two barely survived. My fellow pilot died in the flight."

"Sir, while I am sorry for your loss, it doesn'-"

"I mean, I didn't really like the guy." The pilot shrugged. "But about a week later, those two hook up, and kid discovers his semblance. Then, he goes out on another mission, with some orange haired chick. That Bullhead was attacked by Nevermores and went down. One of them plucked the pilot right out of his seat. Again, these two survive. Orange haired girl hooks up with the bastard." He glared even more intensely in Jaune's direction, causing him to gulp, and Coco's eyebrow to raise.

Ozpin calmly sipped at his mug. "Go on." Glynda looked at him like he was insane. Maybe he was?

"Then, that celebrity girl wants to visit home, and takes blonde wonder there with him. Freak storm takes their flight down. That pilot gets mauled by Grimm on the trek back. Celebrity girl joins the crew and hooks up with the guy." Clenching his fist, the pilot went into a full on rant "The same thing happened with the white princess, the blonde with the tits, and that girl with the pink strip in her hair. All of them went on missions where the Bullhead went down. But the common factor is that guy."

Glynda seemed to be nursing a headache. "All of these were isolated incidents. And the...romantic life of these children is of no concern to any of us. We need this team to complete this mission for their leadership credits."

"I ain't budging one bit!" roared the soon to be unemployed (but still living) pilot. "I'm not going to go out there and get killed just so this asshole can add a fashionista hipster-" Coco waved, a cocky smirk on her face "-and some gothic Lolita-" Ruby looked confused, and turned to ask Jaune and Coco what a Lolita was "-to his fucking harem!"

"I cannot believe what I am hearing!" Glynda seemed like she was 100% done with this situation. "You can't honestly believe that you're all being sent out to die just so Mister Arc can have an active love life!" Shaking her head, she turned to Ozpin "Honestly, of all the ridiculous things I have heard..."

Glynda blinked. Ozpin was nowhere to be seen. "Huh?"


Ozpin was back in his office, reviewing a file on his screen. "Hmm, this sets back the calendar quite a bit. I'll have to move carefully for a while." Sighing, he shook his head. "I should have known better than to try and get two of them done at once. Now the pilots will be suspicious. That was one of the most tried and true methods of creating tension too." Shrugging, he made a quick note on the profile. "Oh well, there are other ways."

On the screen, a file linked several names, mostly female (but also some male) to a picture of Jaune Arc. A list of added benefits was detailed under each name. The file name read "Bringing out the Full Arc Potential Through Matchmaking."


Man, Bullhead pilots are the most abused characters in the RWBY fandom. So many stories with Bullhead crashes in them, and they almost always die. Yet the characters whom we know and love get to live on, learn their semblance, and learn from their tragic experience, as well as become romantically involved with each other. The pilots really get the short end of that stick.

But they all died for the greater good of mankind...? Maybe?

Also, bonus points for anyone who knows who the "girl" with the pink streak in "her" hair is. Except not really. We all know who it is.