Goldman's Complaint

"I was always worried it would come to this," said Neil Goldman as he proceeded to lie down on the leather couch of Quahog Counseling Center.

"Oh, no, don't fret, y'all," said Bruce, Neil's therapist. "Ev'rybody needs a little support ev'ry once in a while."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," said Neil. "Well, it all began when I was a child. Every year that I went to Martin Mull Elementary School, right before winter break, my father would visit my class and read us an entire book about Hanukkah. All the kids made fun of me for it. But I guess it wasn't all bad, because he also passed out stickers that said Goldman's Pharmacy on them, and the kids thought those stickers were cool."

"Oh yay, y'all, we're already making progress! Y'know It makes me as happy as a kosher clam to see that you can see the silver linin' behind that dark and stormy raincloud." Bruce's phone began ringing, and Neil had to stifle a chuckle when he realized that Bruce's ringtone was "Go West" by the Village People. "Y'all don't mind if I take this call? Oh hey, Jeffrey! Oh yeah, I'm at my therapist job right now. Oh no, somebody saw you on The Cleveland Show? Oh no! I gotta go, oh no."

"But it's not just my dad," said Neil. "I've been having so many problems with girls. There's this one girl at my high school, her name's Meg, but for privacy's sake I'll call her The Piglet, not because she resembles a pig but because she's great at dissecting them in biology class. Sorry, I'm weird. I hang out with so many other Trekkies and A.V. Club nerds that I tend to forget just how weird I am. Anyway, The Piglet has consistently rejected my come-ons. I ask her out nearly every day."

"I can only guess y'all is being too forward. Y'all should give them Piglet some space and keep y'all's affection from a distance. Then them Piglet might reconsider."

"But there are other girls in my life. I have also been infatuated with the captain of the cheerleading squad, Connie, I mean, The Queen Bee...she went out with every guy at James Woods Regional High School except for me. That cheeses me off! Why do I always have to be the last guy on earth?"

"Have y'all considered lowering y'all's standards? This Piglet seems like she is more in y'all's league."

"Yeah, you're right, Dr. Bruce!"

"Well, now y'all may perhaps to begin."