"HERMIONE! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY NOSE?" Harry stipulated haplessly, as the brunette lowered her wand and stared bashfully at the appendage in the focal point of Harry's visage.

"It would appear that I have turned it into a tomato, my love," Hermione verbalised, gazing in wonder at the rosy red sphere and marvelling at her aptitude for unintentional transfiguration.

"THAT'S NOT BLOODY GOOD ENOUGH!" roared Harry, as he trained his own wand at Hermione's cranium. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" The girl keeled over, deceased before she hit the ground. Ron sidled over and glanced indifferently at his dead girlfriend, before opening his mouth and devouring the ripe cherry tomato on Harry's mug. In a flash, Draco Malfoy apparated over with blatant disregard for the anti-apparition charm encompassing Hogwarts and took a bite out of Ron's shnoz in retaliation.

Ron screeched in agony as Draco also brandished his wand in Ron's bearing. "AVADA... beans?" Draco finished lamely, as a huddle of runner beans scampered past.

Ron bent over retching as the putrid stench of a thousand dwarf farts hit his nostrils.

"Ha ha ha! I fart in your general direction, good sir!" Draco cried, as Ron's eyes rolled upwards into his eye sockets and he began to wheeze. Draco reached out for Harry's hand.

"Now, Ron, you can either be the noble steed for myself and my dashing knight as we ride off into the sunset, or you can watch my husband Tom Riddle tap-dancing. It's entirely up to you," Harry proposed, as Ron pondered this ultimatum.

"By all means, I shall be your pony," Ron conceded, bending down in order that Harry and Draco might sit on his back.

Ron slowly made his way down the stairs as Draco bellowed "giddy up, I say!" and Harry beat him senseless with a length of rope he had found in a cupboard. Eventually, Ron collapsed, ("get back up!" Draco yelled,) and Harry took Draco's hand and scurried on, sending a swift killing curse over his shoulder back at Ron.

"Master, master!" the shout emanated from the dungeons. Dobby emerged, carrying a platter of meat and bread. "I made you provisions!" Harry took a bite of a steak. "How does Ronnie-Ron taste, master?"

"Like some kid with eyes, Dobby," Harry retorted, as the elf bowed and withdrew to the kitchens once more.

Draco was astonished. "How on Earth did the good elf endeavour to roast Ronald with such haste?" he enquired.

"No clue, but he's delicious," Harry responded, taking another bite out of his Ron-steak.

At that moment, a most peculiar looking girl wearing particularly goffik attire darted out of a classroom and hurled herself at Draco.

"Drako, I wnt u 2 pt ur ting in my wtsit," she proclaimed, her eyes glimmering crimson and her Hot Topic garb flying off (A.N. NOT IN DAT WAY U PERV).

"NOT MY BOYFRIEND, YOU BITCH!" Harry clamoured, raising his wand in order that he might comprehensively Avada Kedavra the Mary-Sue's backside into oblivion. However, before he got there a girl dressed in a green jumpsuit with a thick, brown plait jumped down from the ceiling, raised a bow and shot an evidently incendiary arrow into Enoby's torso. The goff died screaming, and the girl with the bow helped herself to a piece of bread from Harry's platter before sprinting off out of the entrance hall.

Harry and Draco, still holding hands, flew out of the hall and into the night, where a blue box suddenly appeared out of nowhere emitting a noise that sounded remarkably like the trumpeting of an elephant, reversed. When the box had solidified, the seven-times Worst-Dressed Sentient Being in the Known Universe stepped out.

"I am the President of the Galaxy," his right head announced pompously, as the left one nodded vigorously. He flamboyantly waved around all three of his arms in order to draw more attention to himself. "You must join myself and my lovely assistant, for we are about to head off to my home planet, somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, for tea and crumpets."

Draco nodded. "But of course, good sir! Might I say, I FIND your taste in attire to be rather compellingly intriguing." Harry scowled.

"Draco, you don't FIND anything, you're not a flaming Hufflepuff," Harry reminded him.

At that moment, a teenage girl stepped out of the TARDIS brandishing a sonic screwdriver. "Zay, are we on Betelgeuse Seven yet?" she asked impatiently, chewing on a RedVine.

"No, Assistant, I pressed the Infinite Probability Drive button because it was big and shiny and this weird planet appeared in our way." The peculiar little man attempted to kick the Earth, perhaps hoping it might move, but to no avail. "Well," he declared, addressing Harry and Draco, "you may as well come aboard. We've picked up a fair amount of people already, we crashed into Farm Planet and a group joined us."

Harry and Draco stepped into the box, surprised by how much larger it was on the inside than one would suspect. There were even several doors leading off from the main control room, in which a joystick jutted out from the wall and on a large round table there was a humongous shiny button. There was also a bookshelf, but instead of a selection of tomes it contained a large quantity of tins of spam.

As Harry inspected the abundance of spam, Draco opened a door. Harry caught sight of a large, muscular man with a grey moustache taking a bubble bath. He heard the sound of a strong Alabama drawl telling Draco to beggar off before the door slammed, and Draco ambled over to take Harry's hand.

The teenage girl walked over to the pair, declared that she shipped Drarry and asked them to sign a picture for her. They obliged, and the girl went over and bore down on the large, shiny button. Harry and Draco looked out of the window to see their beloved planet being obliterated, and a small paper Draco puppet appeared outside, before bursting into flames and toppling.

Oh well thought Harry, as the girl started wittering about Charlie McDonnell. At least I still have Draco.