A/N: Hi! Another Hamilton fan fiction, this one as usual a bit sad. Note historical accuracy may not be on point, but I did work to try and keep the ages correct for the Hamilton kids. I plan on this being a three part series so look forward to that.
Before
The moment Alexander opened his eyes he knew today would be awful. Looking at his phone he saw that it was 6:12 am and the eulogy. It was too early to get ready by too late to go back to sleep and pretend today was not happening. It was then he noticed his wife was not next to him.
He turned and saw two dark spots under the door. Eliza was already up and getting ready. It was just like her not to waste time. Alexander decided to get up then and join her in the bathroom. He knocked but to his surprise did not hear the sound of running water or anything.
"Eliza? Darling?" he called softly.
Nothing. So he decided to just go in, in case something was wrong or more likely because he needed his wife. He was so broken that he needed to see at least one member of the family to convince himself no one else was leaving.
"I apologize," he said in reference to his barging in, "Are you alright?"
Looking down he saw that she was not all right. She sat on the closed toilet seat sobbing. She had not changed or cleaned up, but sat in her old Marvel pajama set he had given her their first Christmas.
Her eyes were red and her hair was a mess. When she was stressed or upset she would run her hands through her hair until small tufts would stand up. Her face was blotchy and she clutched a piece of toilet paper that she was using to wipe her eyes. Clearly Charmin lied about its products strength.
"Eliza," he said kneeling before her.
"Alexander, there is no way I can go through with today!" she wailed now.
"Shh, shh," he cooed softly. He did it in part because he had no idea what to say and in part he didn't want the children to hear who slept in the room across from them.
"I cannot bear to see our son," she sniffed.
"Oh Eliza, you know you will be upset if you don't go," Alexander said now taking Eliza into his arms, "We need to be there."
"Why did we think an open casket was a good idea?" she continued to cry into his shoulder.
Alexander did wonder why. But he figured when they made that decision their son had been dead for only two days. Eliza then had wanted to get the funeral over with and wanted to move past the sorrow. But now they both wished they had waited at least a week to make any decisions. Perhaps waiting a little longer they could comprehend and fully work through his afterlife plans.
"We can always have a closed casket if you really want to. If it would make you feel better, " he said. The nasty word of 'casket" sat on his tongue.
"No it's fine."
"No really. I have no problem with it being closed. If you are satisfied, then I am," he said into her hair.
"It kills me to think our Philip is lying in a box at the funeral home," Eliza continued, "To think he is alone right now."
"No do not say that, he is not alone. He is up in Heaven now watching us, or if I know him he is in this room right now making sure you are okay," Alexander soothed.
"I cannot let the children see me like this," she sighed getting up.
"Why not?"
"I am their mother. I am meant to be strong and comforting. I cannot be powerless this time," she said with more resolve. Eliza looked as though her previous crying was just spell, but Alexander could see she was fighting back tears at every turn.
"I will go wake the children. You should take a shower or a bath," Alexander said turning the shower on for her. She gave him a grateful half smile as he left.
He left the bathroom and walked across the hall. He distantly heard scuffling and knocked.
"Come in," said a small voice.
"It's 6:30 am. I have never seen you sleepy heads up before noon of your own free will," he said trying to make a joke but too it was hopeless.
"Couldn't sleep," James responded looking at the floor.
He walked in and saw that all of his children were in Angie's room. Angie was now the eldest and she had taken in stride to comforting the small children.
"I don't want to go today," said William.
"Don't say that, he's your brother," Angie snapped. Angie had been distraught during this whole process and was so saddened, anything said against her brother she would not stand for.
"No, it is fine Angie. William why don't you want to go?" Alexander asked, sitting him on his knee. But honestly he understood, today was too sunny. A day they would normally go to the park or go by the Philip's university to visit him in the evening.
"He's dead. I'm scared," William responded in a whiny voice.
"Philip won't hurt you. Has he ever?" Alexander asked.
"I suppose not," William said, "But zombies?"
"No zombies. I promise! You will be just fine. Mommy and daddy are still here," Alexander reassured. At least that was one promise he could keep
"What time do we leave?" Alexander Jr. asked.
" The ceremony will be at 12. But we are leaving here at 11," Alexander responded sadly. The whole family tried not to use the word funeral. Because funeral would mean this was all real. Perhaps if they all pretended they were going to say the movies, maybe it would be so.
He left them, to go back and check on Eliza. She had decided to take a bath and was now just floating her hands above the water.
"I could drown myself," Eliza said despondently.
"What?" he said startled.
"I would deserve it," she said.
"No never!"
"Yes Alexander I do! I didn't protect him and now look at where we are!" she said balling her fists up. Eliza had been tormented at the loss. She kept thinking what she could have or should have done. She had been thinking similar thoughts everyday since that wretched day.
"Elizabeth, it is my fault. Please just let me take the blame," he begged her. Any thought of also losing his wife sent him over the edge.
"Alexander," she said looking him in the eye, "Promise you will not leave my side today?"
"Never," he said gripping her wet hand.
Everyone got dressed in various speeds ranging from slow to evolution slow. Alexander never wanting to waste time, dressed promptly in a fashionable suit he had bought with the help of his ever fashion conscious friend Lafayette. Lafayette and him had spent the day shopping, laughing and Alex thinking something looked good but Lafayette having him turn back around. He had not worn since his friend John Laurens died. He had hoped he would never have to wear this suit again. A few days ago he saw the suit and saw it needed cleaning. He had hoped maybe by happy accident the dry cleaners would mess it up or he would outgrow it. The suit remained. The suit was a lovely dark black with very faint pinstripes and was originally for a reception held in honor of George Washington. But John died first.
Eliza was the slowest. She wore a simple dress; she had bought a few days ago. Eliza detested wearing black because she loved wearing bright colors. But today she put the thing on. She then remembered a gift Philip had given her when he was five maybe six... God Philip is already slipping away. She pulled out a brooch pin thing he had made from cardboard paper and glitter. Philip had cried saying some kid had knocked the brooch over and messing it up. But Eliza just knelt down and kissed his forehead, "No darling it is perfect. One of a kind, no one can ever duplicate this masterful work."
Then the doorbell rang. It would be Angelica. She stayed in near by hotel, despite the protests of Eliza. Angelica had said, "Eliza, you don't need another body in the house. Please, be with your children and husband, you don't need me right now."
Eliza decided she would welcome her sister in.
As soon as she opened the door Angelica hugged her sister.
"There, there," she said patting Eliza's back who was crying again.
The plan was to go to the ceremony and then each would pay their respects with Alexander and Eliza staying behind for a little longer. Angelica would take the children home.
It was now time to leave. After a short period when Angelica spent a little bit of time with the kids it was decided it was time. All of the children were silent and Eliza had managed to erase any redness from her eyes. She was still determined to not let her children see her cry. In the past days she had been trying to convince them and herself Philip wasn't gone but in a better place. The younger children believed her but the eldest believed so their mother could hold onto something. It seemed impossible to believe anything good could come from this. Everyone tried to put a brave face on, to believe what the counselors said about grief, but the pain cut deep.
Alexander sat in his office. How could I let this happen? He asked himself for the millionth time. Philip his first pride and joy. He loved all of his children but Philip was the most like him. His son always scored top marks and was well liked by his peers. He was always his classmates' first choice for class president or Prom royalty.
"Son? Philip? If you can hear me please remember I love you and would do anything to bring you back to your mother and I," he said to the ceiling.
He noticed he had been holding the eulogy. Rereading it, he found how fake it sounded. Sounded like some business contract he would write for Washington. He ripped the blasted thing and pulled out a piece of notebook paper. No time to type and print something. He was scribbling down the final words when Alexander Jr. knocked.
"Yes?" he called behind his back.
"Pops, ma says it's time to go."
He hadn't heard being called pops since Philip died. God it always comeback to Philip being gone. Why can I not live life without remembering Philip's lasts? He had similar thought at dinner last night. They had picked up Burger King for dinner last night since Eliza had not been cooking for a couple of week. Everyone barely ate but no matter. Eliza had always been against fast food for her kids, but the last time she went through the drive through she was asking Philip and the other kids if they wanted crowns. Philip had scoffed he was far too old at the ripe old age of 7. But he happily wore it for the weekend.
"Okay son. Let's go," he said rising.
Alexander Jr. was about to walk out of the room, when Alexander said, "Son could you come here for a minute?"
Obediently he came over and Alexander just engulfed his son in a hug. A hug he had not given his kids in so long.
"Pops? You gonna be alright?"
"Yes. Yes son," he said restraining his tears.
"It's okay pops!"
"I know. I know, I'm being foolish aren't I son?"
"Na, I feel the same way," Alexander Jr. said. Pulling away from his son he noticed his son had obviously been crying earlier.
What have I caused?
