The Knight and His Sword

When Dave Strider first laid eyes on the legendary Excalibur, the first thought that ran through his head was:

"What a piece of shit."

Now this was saying a lot, because Dave had seen a lot of shitty swords in his lifetime. Everything from plastic katanas to broadswords so heavy the hulk couldn't lift them. So when he saw Caledfwch, Dave almost turned and walked away. Almost.

Then Dave Strider, king of cool, saw the irony. What was more ironic then the legendary sword Excalibur being the shittiest sword ever made? Dave wanted it. Wanted it more than the loud troll wanted his head. More than Terezi wanted to eat all her red chalk.

Now if only he could get the shitty thing out of that damn rock. Damn thing was flexible enough. Shouldn't he have been able to bend it out of the damn rock? No. Apparently not. The damn game was going to make it AS HARD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE to get it out, which was probably the game mocking the King Arthur legend.

Well fuck it then. If Dave couldn't have the entire sword, half of it would do. Dave turned, walked a good deal away, and then took a good running start that ended with a flying leap, which did the trick. Snap. The sword broke in half, Dave flying sideways. He checked to make sure it was indeed the sword that snapped, and not his cool kid bones.

Dave walked over to where the sword was and picked it up. The balance was all off, but what would you expect from the shittiest sword ever made? He turned around, and there was an imp, like the ones from John's world, the Land of Wind and Shade. And luckily for him, the nearest almost unshitty sword lay 20 feet away, where he had dropped at the cavern entrance. 'Well Fucktastic,' Dave thought as he swung Excalibur around a few times, still adjusting to its weight.

' Come at me bro.' Dave said, running towards the imp. Stab. Dave had swung the sword clean through the imp's head. 'Fuck yes.' Hell, if that sword could do that, it may not be so shitty after all. Dave wiped the blood of his new blade and captchalogued it. 'Maybe all it needs is some prototyping.' Dave thought, striding away.