Sometimes, in the silence of the night when you're all alone and trying very hard to sleep, your brain decides that would be the perfect time to mull things over and sort through your various memories and emotions. This can actually happen any time you're alone: in the shower, in your room, or even just sitting on your couch staring at the TV without paying attention to what's going on. As long as you're by yourself and have no means of distraction, the things you don't want to think about tend to assault you; each desperate for you to acknowledge them and all but begging not to be forgotten.
No matter how much you might like to forget them.
….
Tsubaki honestly didn't know what was worse.
The nightmares or the memories.
One attacked her mind throughout the day; the other amplified and renewed the resulting emotions all through the night.
They alternated subjects, too.
Sometimes, they were about the final fight with her brother. Often, and more recently, they were about Mifune. And other times, they insisted that she re-live her childhood…
Back when her parents refuse to believe her about Masamune.
Refused to believe their quiet, sickly son was capable of such things.
Choosing instead to believe that their daughter was making up cruel lies about her brother out of spite or for attention.
Tsubaki sat on the floor of the bathroom and wiped the tears of frustration off her face. Even after all this time and all of their apologies, just the thought of those days caused her throat to burn and her stomach to twist. She clenched her fists. She had forgiven them for everything and held no grudges, so why couldn't she everstop crying about it? She sniffled and reached around the toilet to tear a wad of tissue off its holder. As she dabbed at her face, she wondered how exactly the events of the night had led to her sitting in the bathroom with doors locked and lights off at some ungodly hour of the morning.
She had let her emotions get carried away again; leaping from thought to irrelevant thought and leaving unbearable pain in their wake. Tsubaki leaned against the tub and stared at the light flickering in the bulb of a small pug-in she'd put there to keep her meister from tipping over things in the dark when he had to get up during the night. She didn't do anything else; she didn't even allow herself to think. She simply looked at the light for a long time, just focusing on the soft, calming glow.
At least, until her thoughts began to beg for attention again. And, against her better judgment, she gave in and allowed the memories crash into her. The subject of the current hour was guilt, but that was really nothing new.
Guilt stalked her mercilessly and harassed her about everything she'd ever done wrong.
It was relentless; even if she managed forgive herself for one thing, another would just take its place.
So, she had decided to stop trying to forgive herself; it really wasn't worth the effort.
This current strand of guilt was newer, though; fresh and even more painful than all of the old guilt. She had known from the moment she saw all of his blood soaking into the ground that Mifune's death was going to be one of those memories that would haunt her until she died.
Or went insane.
Whichever came first.
Because, after all, the fact that she had been the literal instrument of this man's death was not enough; he just had to have a little girl. And not just any little girl, but a young witch who wasn't mature enough to understand that some of the things Mifune had done were wrong (even if they had been done to protect her). Little Angela couldn't be expected to understand why Tsubaki and Black*Star had killed her guardian. They hadn't wanted to, but he left them with no other choice. Tsubaki had never meant for it to end that way. She wished every day that she had tried harder to get Mifune to come back to the DWMA with them. He and Angela would have been safe; he didn't have to be afraid that the DWMA would prosecute Angela for being a witch because they wouldn't have. Kim turned out to be a witch, and she's one of the academy's top meisters.
Tsubaki's eyes began to sting again. She swallowed hard and tried to fight the tears, but it was a waste of energy. They still fell. It was just so unfair. Mifune loved kids; he would have been an excellent teacher at the academy. Hell, she and Black*Star had learned so much just from the few times they'd fought him.
This particular guilt and sadness on its own was enough to exhaust a person, but the worst part of it all was that Angela really seemed to like her. Just they day before, she and Tsubaki had been playing tag; laughing and frolicking around like nothing was wrong. But all the while a voice in the back of Tsubaki's head kept pointing out how screwed up it was for Angela to be playing with her guardian's killer. Not that the girl knew Tsubaki had a part in his death. Or that he was even dead at all. Lord Death had forbidden everyone from telling Angela what happened to Mifune; she's very young and no one has any idea what her powers are like or how well she'd be able to control them under the emotional trauma of learning that the only family she had was gone forever.
Tsubaki sobbed. She tried to stifle the sound by biting on her lip; the last thing she wanted was for Black*Star to wake up and find her in heap on the floor, crying uselessly over things neither of them could control. If she told him what was wrong, it would break his heart too (not that he would ever admit it). He shared this guilt, after all. Angela was really growing on him, and she came by to visit both of them as often as she could.
And they both adored her. Tsubaki always thought that if she had a child, she'd want them to be as happy and energetic as Angela. And she believes it's good for Black*Star to finally have someone to annoy him as much as he does to everyone else.
Tsubaki grew more anxious with each passing day of lying to Angela every time she asked where Mifune was. She was caught between wanting to tell her the truth and desperately hoping she would never find out.
As Tsubaki felt her eyelids drooping, she reflected that there really was nothing she could do. She would simply have to wait and tell Angela when she was older and pray that the little witch would forgive her and Black*Star when the time came…
