Momma once told me when I was young
It hurt.
Oh god, did it hurt.
Metal on bone on pavement on concrete-
Make it stop!
Please.
Please make it stop.
PleasepleasepLEase….?
That God watches over us
He was trying to speak to me, I think. Trying really hard.
I wish I could hear him.
I wish I could see.
I wish I could feel anything and everything but the agony drowning me the cold sleeping through my limbs the fingers going in ohgodwherethosehisfindg-
That when we needed him most
I remember someone screaming.
They sounded young.
Young and afraid.
There's someone over me too… he seems to be screaming as well. His eyes are too dark and too red for such a pretty face.
He's crying.
Screaming and crying.
He would answer
We weren't meant to know how he worked, she had said
"Hon-"
Cold. Cold. Cold. It's so cold.
"Sta- … wi-... DON-!"
He would take care of us
Regardless if we believed
The pain had finally stopped.
I was left listless, floating in an empty space that had no title nor name.
I couldn't be happier.
It stopped.
The pain had stopped.
It was warm here. Too warm maybe? Maybe too cold… I couldn't decide. I couldn't think.
I was empty.
Empty of thought.
Empty of pain.
I was happy.
I died an non-believer
There were too many wrongs in the world
Not enough right
The thought of such an existence being the fault of a god meant to protect us and help us rather than our own human nature made me feel sick
I willfully stayed a non-believer
Down to the last second
Pressure.
Like being squeezed and twisted and molded until you couldn't contort yourself anymore and then being shoved into the cold of winter.
I found I didn't like it.
I found I hated it.
The frigid air on my limbs and the giants that held me were mere monsters taking away my happy emptiness. The pain had come back. My eyes burned and bleed.
There was another scream.
But even still
Somehow…
Someway...
There were no words.
Even if by some miracle I had the ability to form words within myself and make them just go, there were absolutely no words for this. There was no explanation I could give. I was so completely and so utterly lost.
The giants had named me their child.
The same giant that had ripped away my happy and empty existence held me like I was the answer to world hunger.
Precious.
Irreplaceable.
New.
She smiled at me, and called me her baby.
The other giant was always close. He stood to the side, watching me in vigil, or held me as close as his body would allow. His hands were clumsy and awkward and as big as they felt, nothing like the one who smiled, but he was careful.
Both giants were oh, so careful with me.
And I am so so so lost, because I know exactly why.
Even as I acknowledge that I am and will forever be the last person in this world and the next to understand how "god" works
I am absolutely certain
"Lily! He's here!"
"JAMES-!"
Thunder echoed in our home.
My giants, my parents, fell with enough force to bring the Earth to its knees. She, who smiled at me and called me her baby and told me as many times as she could that she loved loved loved me, screamed.
I screamed too.
Even as ignorant as I am
Even as a non-believer
"Avada Kadavra…!!"
That this is NOT what she had meant
