A/N: Okay, after months of keeping this fic in storage, I'm finally releasing it now LOL The fic takes places before canon, in which Illumi is being trained to become the heir of the family business. Along the way, he meets a zoldyck butler named Oz and yeah, they fall in love, and yeah, it ends tragically :D I want to thank my best friend Yui for giving me the confidence to finally release this sucker after hiding it for so long. I love you honey! *hearts* Welp, enjoy the sad tale of the first born son of the zoldyck family. (trigger warnings at the bottom A/N note.)
To Oz:
When we met my life first began,
Soon afterward, yours ended.
I'm sorry.
From: Illumi
Present Day
The cellar was dark and damp.
Dark with nothingness.
Damp with blood.
It was cold, and the floor left a scraping and callous feeling on his bare skin. It reminded Illumi of being left too long in the snow. Needles pricking persistently at him. Sharper than a thousand serpent's fangs piercing his skin in the endless bitter cold. The cold left his heart barren, and his hands craving the warmth of a touch he would no longer feel. Aching for what was forever lost.
In his arms where Oz laid. Silent. Motionless. Mangled.
Dead.
Illumi couldn't see, but he felt all the evil and wretchedness etched onto the boy's body as it sagged in his arms. He felt the lashes, the eyes of the one who once gazed upon him beneath his fingertips. He felt the cheeks of the one whose complexion was once ripe as a budding rose. His hands trailed down at a slow pace, as if stuck in sludge, to the arms of the one who once embraced him tight. To the place where his palms used to be of the one who once held him tenderly. The one who once cherished him. The one who once adored him. The one who once loved him.
The one who is now and will forever be nothing more than a lifeless corpse.
I did this to you.
Illumi's form quivered. The shock, the pain, the realization—the regret—sunk in. Fast. His back arched forward, weakly, as if he was a wind-up doll that needed its key to be spun again and again to move, to act, to think—to live. But there was nothing left in Illumi. Just as there was no longer a trace of life in the corpse.
I did this to you.
Illumi's heart turned bleak and into ash. It crumbled and withered like a plucked rose. A beauty that once radiated with a brilliant and shimmering light, now festered in this haggard, despicable age. Petal-less. Leaf-less. Lifeless. Disgusting.
No one with a changed heart is ever the same. No one can be the same with a blackened heart.
The wind from the vents moaned. Whispering shrieks. Whispering cries. As if the ghouls and ghosts of the manor joined together to revel in his misery, gorging themselves in this darkness that swelled and festered in this rotten hell hole—just like the corpse.
It was then that Illumi finally understood The Zoldyck's Curse. To which he never believed, until now.
To be loathed, hated, scorned by a Zoldyck—no. Above all things, it was far worse to be loved by a Zoldyck. His love—their love—stopped Oz's heart.
Illumi's breath hitched. His lungs ached.
He locked his arms around the corpse—around Oz, and yowled a sad and lonely cry.
My love for you broke my heart and stopped yours.
I loved you.
And yet I did this to you.
I loved you.
And yet I killed you.
I'm sorry.
It was then, in that dark and damp cellar, seeping further in carnage, accompanied by the one thing who used to be his everything, was now only limited to two. A corpse. A regret. It was then that Illumi no longer felt pain nor sadness nor bliss—he felt nothing. He was empty.
Many years later, he still felt nothing.
He was not much different from a walking corpse, wandering aimlessly in this open casket of the Zoldyck family grounds.
16 Years Ago
Illumi Zoldyck was the first of many things in his family. He didn't want to be the first for anything, yet life never really cared for his opinion on such matters. Regardless of his feelings, as was the case for well, almost everything, he was first. Oh joy. He was the first-born child to Silva and Kikyo Zoldyck. He was the first manipulator born in the Zoldyck family lineage. The first to break the very long line of transmuters. An even greater joy. Among his brothers yet to be born, he was the first heir to inherit the Zoldyck throne from his father, who received it from his father before him and so ensued a very long line of first-born sons inheriting thrones from fathers who uncoincidentally happened to be first born sons.
He was also the first one to break that chain. Thus, dubbing himself which everyone in the family knew him well to be: the first disappointment. Enough said.
It wasn't just one disappointment, rather it was a string—a very long—string, sequence rather, of many disappointments that culminated into one giant colossal disappointment that was his parents, but mainly his father's, ultimate sorrow. Someone really should have put him out of his misery while he was still sucking his toes in his crib. The one job the butlers failed to accomplish, anyhow, he reasoned that his first disappointment to his parents predated Milluki or Killua or Kalluto or even that thing's birth. No. Illumi reasoned that his parent's first disappointment of him stretched back further than any of those things.
It all started when he born.
Of all the things to go wrong, he just had to screw up his exit out of his mother's womb.
Illumi was born premature. Too tiny, too frail, too wrinkly for a son of the great Silva Zoldyck. When Silva came out of the womb wailing shrieks and cries that could shatter windows and bore a head of luscious white locks of hair, he practically proclaimed he was the heir. Illumi's birth, on the other hand, was not one to be celebrated like his father's. On the day he was born, he recalled from his mother who only told him once or twice before, that Illumi was thought to be a still birth. His mother said, when he was born, he did not move nor cry. He didn't usher a sound; his pulse was too faint—nonexistent was actaully the word used by his mother—that even the midwife proclaimed him to be dead. It was only after they laid him in a body bag, before the midwife began to zip it up, that was when he finally began to squirm and cry! Perfect timing, obviously.
But his troubles did not end there. Oh no.
Life thought it would be hilarious—laughable—to make the first son of the Zoldyck family a sickly child. He was too skinny. Too frail. Chronic cough with red brimmed eyes were a must for him. Seasonal illnesses were to be expected as well. Pneumonia in winter. The flu in summer. Gastritis in fall…Irritable bowel syndrome in spring. Asthma throughout the year—every year. Illumi didn't need to check the calendar to know what month or season it was. His body made it very clear on what time of the year it was.
He was too…everything a Zoldyck son shouldn't be.
In Silva's own words which he's said time and time again to Kikyo mostly, he's weak. Although, Illumi couldn't match his father's disgust whenever he said those two words that panged in his heart like a hammer slamming onto a gong. It was a painful reminder that Illumi was not the expected heir his father wanted him to be. Illumi soon learned, while training to become a strong and suitable heir, that his father's approval was not easily given. Not even to a first born son.
This story you are reading is a very sad tale of a sad boy who lived a very sad childhood in a sad household with too many sad people within it to count. There is no happy beginning, no happy ending, and rarely any happy bits in-between. The only happy bit in Illumi's life was a butler who happened to be named Oz, like that one infamous wizard (but Oz did not need magic nor an emerald encrusted city to make himself infamous, that of which Illumi already knew.) Together, they shared a love that was fated. And tragic. It was fated to be tragic, and nothing more. If you are hoping for any sort of happy ending, or any glimmer of any sort of happiness anywhere in this story, there are none, but for those who wish to continue reading this tragic tale of two boys born in the wrong place at the wrong time and raised by the wrong people, who somehow met each other through all these unfortunate events, then thank you. For those of you, brave of heart who dare to continue, the story starts here, many years ago—in the Zoldyck nursery.
"Meow, meow." The little boy chanted to his nanny as he crouched in a large cardboard box, surrounded by many other, more play worthy toys. The nursery was large and envious to all toddlers in all of Padokia. There were slides and toys houses and toy houses with slides, there were even building blocks that ranged from lego sized to that of a small bear. There was even a pit, a swimming pool of plastic balls, to jump into. And yet, the little boy no older than three was more preoccupied with his brown and disposable cardboard box. He crouched low in the box and pretended he was a cat. "Meow, meow, meow."
Usagi, a young and pretty butler, was in charge of looking after Illumi. Looking after his wellbeing, his happiness, and making sure he would never accidentally eat a lego. Just yesterday, Usagi had a panic attack when Illumi put a whole marble in his mouth. Don't worry, Usagi made him spit it out (and hid all the marbles out of his sight.)
"Usagi, look at me!" a head of messy black hair popped up from the box. His glistening black eyes met the butler's. "I'm a kitty. Meow, meow."
Usagi laughed and her laugh ringed like twinkling bells. She crouched low to his box and gasped, "what a cute little kitty you are! I wonder where Illumi went? I saw Illumi climb into this box, but now there is a kitty in his place! Oh, where could he have gone to?"
Illumi titled his head down and smiled. She called him a cute cat. He didn't know how convincing he was. He decided he wouldn't worry Usagi that he switched places with a cat. "It's really me, Usagi!"
Usagi lifted a stuffed bear towards his cheek, it tickled Illumi with soft kisses. He squealed and laughed and retreated further into his box, which wasn't that far, this was a cardboard box, and thus he was ambushed with an avalanche of kisses.
Soon, Illumi jumped up from his box and proclaimed very proudly. "I know what cats eat!" He said, as if it was a secret that only he amongst the whole entire world knew. He was very smart, after all he was already three years old. He practically knew everything everyone around him didn't.
"And what do they eat?"
"Fish!" he replied, excitedly. "Cupcakes too!"
Usagi laughed. "They eat cupcakes?"
"Yup!" Illumi nodded. "With lots and lots of frosting!"
"Illumi," Usagi said. "Quiz of the day, how do you spell your name?"
Illumi beamed happily, he knew this one! He grabbed Usagi's hand and used his index finger to draw out the words, like he practiced with crayon and paper. He pronounced each of the letters in a loud and clear voice as he drew them. "I—L—L—U—M—I—Illumi!"
"Good job! You're such a smart boy, Illumi." Usagi encouraged him.
Illumi knew this to be true, but he still turned his head down and smiled bashfully. Big playful eyes hiding below long lashes. He wondered if Nobel prizes were given to three year old's.
Any happy thoughts about winning Nobel prizes vanished when the door of the nursery creaked open, unpleasantly. What came in was a metal cart whose wheels eerily squeaked, a butler pushing it, and Kikyo following behind the butler. Illumi was mesmerized by the glimmering clear bottle and shiny silver case that laid on the cart, but when his mother told him to come quickly, he was too entranced with his box and playing cat with Usagi. His mother wanted him to stop playing. He crouched lower in his box.
Kikyo looked back and forth between Usagi and the carboard box, disgracefully. Her voice was cold and bitter. "I buy my son the best toys and you have him play with a box."
Usagi quickly panicked, and started laughing nervously, out of habit. "Oh no, he was playing with his other toys too, he loved them, really, but he also really liked the box."
"Meow." Illumi called from his box, meowing and purring, happily.
Kikyo was silent as the red light on her visor seemed to zoom in on Usagi and her son.
"He's playing cat." Usagi clarified, combing her hands through her two black braids.
Kikyo stood there for a moment, silently. Finally, she spoke. "Illumi, come and sit here. It's time for your medicine."
Illumi pouted his lips and ducked further into his box. Medicine tasted yucky. He knew if he hid well enough, they wouldn't be able to see him. He still wanted to play with Usagi. His mother wasn't interested in cardboard boxes or cats—or him. "I don't wanna."
"Illumi," Kikyo yelled, vexed. The toddler shivered in his box. Usagi, lifted Illumi out of the box and into the chair.
Another butler, older and uglier with a mole on their eyelid—Illumi stared at it—rolled up his sleeve and wrapped a rubber band around his arm, feeling for a vein. Illumi wondered what was going on as his mother kept complaining to the butler, who pretended to listen, that Silva should be here for their son's first injection. His mother told him to be quiet three times when he started meowing again. Illumi wasn't sure what 'injection' meant and neither did he understand the label printed on the glistening glass bottle, 0.0001% Mol Belladonna. It seemed different from all the other medicines he has taken before. The medicine wasn't pink, so it probably didn't take like bubblegum or cherry. Maybe it was one of those mystery flavors. He hoped it wasn't coconut. But Illumi understood one thing very well. When the butler opened the silver box and unsheathed the metal syringe, Illumi instantly began to cry. Pointy things hurt. He knew that well, recalling all his flu shots and vaccines. He climbed off his chair and ran to his cardboard box, while the rubber band was still attached around his little arm.
Kikyo grabbed Illumi's arm, "sit back down. You were not told to leave."
"No!" Illumi cried as he looked back at the syringe with watery eyes. The needle looked so sharp. The butler was indifferent as they filled it with the contents from the glass bottle. Illumi cried even harder when he saw how long the needle really was, and how pointy the end looked. He slapped his free hand against his mother, which only seemed to fuel her rage. This time she pulled him closer, nails digging into his skin.
"You do NOT hit your mother."
He slapped her again. Tears in his eyes.
Kikyo raised her arm high above Illumi's head and dropped it down. Fast.
A hand caught her own. It was Usagi.
"Madame." Usagi said, as a sniffling Illumi retreated behind her. The boy was terrified. His cries made that terribly obvious. "If you would let me, I have a suggestion that would help."
The red circle on Kikyo's visor whirled then stopped. She breathed, collecting herself. "I'm listening."
After a thoughtful negotiation, Illumi got back on the chair, but this time in Usagi's lap. He was still crying with snot dripping down his nose, but Usagi held his hand the entire time, encouraging him through supportive whispers, you're so strong, you can do it, it's only a quick prick, it won't even hurt, after this we'll play cat for as long as you like, she cooed in his ear.
"I-It's going to hurt." He cried, staring at the needle. Mesmerized. Frightened.
"It won't."
"It will. It will." He stifled in-between cries. His face was red and blotchy by this point.
Usagi's heart winced for the scared little boy. And without thinking of her station as a butler, or the Madame of the household, Usagi kissed the top of Illumi's head and by a miracle of chance, when her lips touched him, his cries softened.
All the while Usagi felt the scrutinizing gaze of Kikyo, while she was holding her son. Comforting him, Embracing him. Usagi ignored the Madame of the house, her focus was on Illumi. The rubber band was wrapped tighter around his arm, alcohol was wiped harshly against his skin, and the syringe pierced through it. Usagi lied, the needle did hurt, but what Illumi didn't know was that the syringe was the least of his problems. It was the clear liquid called Belladonna that emptied from the syringe and into his blood, flowing throughout his veins, that made Illumi detest all the 'injections' that were to come after.
Convulsions. Spasms. Aching muscles. Foaming of the mouth. Sweating. Shock. Screaming. Even more crying.
All were symptoms of a toddler's response to ingesting a weakened dose of Belladonna for the first time. In greater and more concentrated amounts, death would also be a symptom. But death was carefully avoided as the diluted poison prepared, accompanied with a dose of antibodies, was purposed for Illumi to become immune to the poison's toxic effects. As long as he took the diluted poison gradually and worked his way up to the concentrated amount for the next several years, he will gain immunity. This was his first step to becoming an assassin. A career he didn't even know he was being ushered into at the time.
After the symptoms wore off, many hours—days—later, he was sulking under the castle bridge in the nursey. Arms folded in his lap, crying, and refusing to come out despite all of Usagi's pleas.
"Illumi, please come out." Usagi cooed, softly. "What game would you like to play? How about follow the bunny rabbit? You love that one." The butler held her braids above her head and hopped from one colored mat to the other, desperately trying to draw in Illumi's attention. Illumi wasn't listening.
"I'm not getting an injection ever again!" The little one cried into his arms and sobbed miserably. In fact, he was going to run away and live under this bridge forever and never come out! And food? Well, he stashed seven cookies in the treasure chest (there was eight but crying made him hungry.) If he rationed his stash wisely, it should last him years.
Usagi frowned. If she couldn't get Illumi out from under the bridge, she had no choice but to go under the bridge herself. She got down on all fours and began to crawl, her braids caught under her chest. "Illumi."
The little boy looked up.
She picked up the end of her braid and tickled it against his nose. He began to laugh.
Usagi smiled, she was the happiest when he laughed. Her eyes drifted to the bookcase full of picture books beneath the bridge. A lamp in the shape of a dinosaur illuminated this small space with a soft light. Usagi told Illumi to pick out any picture book he wanted. Naturally, he chose the one with bunnies on the cover.
"Like you," he giggled and pointed at the bunnies on the cover and then to her. And so, they sat side by side as Usagi read to him. Which apparently was a 'Mommy and me' book, but Usagi didn't seem to mind, and Illumi was more preoccupied with the cute animals with fluffy touchable felt fur in the book to care either.
Usagi spoke, her voice was calm like the rustling of a forest stream. She read on, "The baby owl loved his mama and gave her a biiiiiiiiiiiiig hug." She accentuated. Illumi giggled. "The baby giraffe loved her mama very, very much and gave her a biiiiiiiiiiig hug." Illumi pointed to the giraffe's long neck and lifted his up high like a giraffe would. Usagi smiled. "The baby—Illumi what animal is this?"
"It's a puppy!" he said.
"Very good! The puppy loved his mama so much and gave her an even bigger hug." She continued through all the pages, full of little baby animals giving all their mommy's hugs and kisses. Animals that were happy and smiling and loving. She read on until she came upon the last one. Her body froze and for a moment she was silent.
It was a plastic mirror reflecting her and Illumi. Usagi was about to close the book, until Illumi stood up on his knees.
"And I love my mommy very, very much!" Illumi said as he threw his little arms around Usagi and gave her the biggest hug he could manage.
Usagi was the spitting image of the shrieking man in the scream painting. If Kikyo say her now, then—Usagi shook the thought away, she didn't want to think about it. Instead, she did what she always did to get out of an awkward situation—she laughed. Instead of responding to his comment, she ignored it and moved onto another topic. "How about we read another book? Oh!" she picked up one with race cars on it. "This looks like a fun read."
"No thank you, mommy."
"T-Then do you want me to push you on the swings?" Her voice shook, just a little.
"Let's play on the monkey bars, mommy." Illumi said while running out from under the bridge. Happy once more. Forgetting all about his awful injections.
Usagi crawled out from under the bridge as fast as she could, stuttering "Illumi, please don't call me that. My name is Usagi, you know that."
Illumi stopped on the castle stairs and looked down onto her, onto the one kind woman in his life who showed him love like the kind of mommies he saw in the picture book. He looked down onto his mommy. "But that's who you are." He said plainly. As if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You're my mommy."
"No—no, you mustn't call me that." Usagi opened and waved her hands. Panic written all over her face. Eyes gazing towards the door and walls. Towards the eyes watching her that she could not see.
Illumi laughed as he ran into the toy castle. He sang sweetly, "Mommy, mommy, you're my mommy!"
Usagi half shrieked-half whispered. Practically falling unto her knees. "Stop. Please."
That only encouraged Illumi to keep going. Louder even. "Mommy! Let's play on the monkey bars, mommy! Let's go, mommy!" He giggled, he laughed, he kept calling her by that name.
Usagi fell onto her knees. "Stop."
Mommy followed her every plea.
"I don't know what to do, he kept calling me mommy no matter how many times I told him to stop." Usagi exasperated. She folded her hands over her face and sighed, exhausted. She was speaking to another butler, a young man who went by the name Mamorou. Mamorou leaned back against the wall and thought about what happened with her and Illumi in the nursery.
"And it was right after you read him a Mommy and Me book?" He accentuated as he quirked up an eyebrow suspiciously, arms crossed very judgmentally.
Usagi pulled on her braids and whispered a cry. "I didn't pick out that book. He did. And how was I supposed to tell him no after I said he could pick out whatever he wanted. That's not how promises work." She yelped into her hands.
Mamorou laughed. Usagi didn't think this was funny.
"This isn't funny!" She said, still tugging on her braids. "What if Madame Kikyo hears about this? I saw how she looked at me in the nursery and—" Usagi wanted to say that it looked like Kikyo was…envious of Usagi holding her child and that it looked like Kikyo wanted to skin her alive and gut out her innards, but she didn't have the stomach (which she still thankfully had) to say it out loud, in fear that giving the words a sound—a voice—would make them come true. Instead, she continued to cry.
The insufferable Mamorou continued to laugh. He patted her back, not seeing the gravity, the weight of the situation at all. "Don't worry. Little kids are cheeky like that. He just kept calling you mommy because you kept telling him to stop. It's simple reverse psychology that even little buggers understand. What's important is you made him forget all about his horrible injection—"
Usagi recalled that before Illumi retreated under the bridge like a troll, he threw a toy train at her for lying to him about the injection not hurting. Specifically, he threw the train at her forehead. Where she currently had bandage on, with heart prints. Usagi rubbed her forehead. "Now I just have to keep it up for the next injection and the next after that and the next after that one too." She slouched low. She had a feeling she was going to need more bandages.
"That's the spirit. He most likely forgot all about this mommy incident anyhow." Mamorou encouraged her. Usagi narrowed her eyes at him. She didn't need encouragement. She wanted to quit. "I mean—think of it this way," He turned his face towards the ground, a blush caressing his cheeks from ear to ear. "You said you wanted to have kids in the future and this is good practice, I guess."
Usagi fumbled her braids in her hands, blushing like a budding rose. "I did say that."
They stood next to each other in the hall, slowly closing the distance between them. The corridor was dark except for that one lamp on the table, illuminating their figures. Mamorou reached down into his pocket and felt the small box within in. He wanted to wait until a more private and special moment, but he couldn't wait any longer. "Usagi, we've been dating for a while now."
She turned to him. Anticipating the words to come from his lips. "We have."
"And I wanted to ask you something, um, I mean, if it's alright with you, and if it isn't that's okay like," why is he mumbling like a fool? He practiced his proposal in front of his bathroom mirror at least a dozen times. It was easy to ask for one's hand in marriage to one's reflection, but to the real person who made his heart do everything an acrobat can do and more…he was a mess. A complete, abominable, stuttering mess. He had to get it right the first time. He breathed and gathered what little of his confidence he had left. "I mean, what I'm trying to say is, it would be my honor if you would m—"
Footsteps echoed in the corridor.
The two butlers stepped further apart, creating space between the other, and greeted how a Zoldyck butler was supposed to greet their master. In respectful silence.
Illumi was walking beside another one of his caretakers, with his mother leading the group, it looked like he was on his way for another injection, considering he was stubbornly dragging his feet behind them. Usagi held her tongue and closed her eyes as she avoided little Illumi's gaze, hoping he would just pass by and ignore her.
Illumi saw Usagi.
And quickly ran up to her.
"Mommy!" He threw his arms around her legs and called her that one word she dreaded in front of Kikyo. He gave her a big hug. "I missed you!"
Usagi's eyes sunk into her head, as she felt a wave of cold aura pushing her into the wall. She slowly lifted her eyes towards the Madame of the House. Kikyo, with seething teeth that grinded against the other, with hair that uncoiled from her bun and slithered like snakes, with that single red dot in her visor that locked unto Usagi, targeting her. Usagi was shaking, fear clamping her mouth shut, and praying that Illumi would stop calling her that name in front of his own mother. Kikyo, from her stance and aura and all-around unique personality, resembled that of a bull ready to strike her down.
Illumi looked up at Usagi, confused. Wondering why she wasn't looking at him. Wondering why she wasn't saying she missed him in return. Mommies were supposed to say that they love their babies, but Usagi was quiet. He pulled on her suit, persistently wanting her attention. He wanted her to look at him. "Mommy? What's wrong?"
Usagi thought her life would end there in the corridor by the Madame's hands, but there she was, still breathing. A miracle by its own right. Kikyo took quick and short breathes in and out, and her hair began to fall flat, no longer resembling slithering snakes. Instead, she calmly excused her butler to take Illumi to the nursery, and then she directed her gaze on Usagi and ordered that she follow her into her private study. Usagi was too afraid to speak as she walked solemnly behind Kikyo preparing an apology that literally apologized for everything, including her own incompetent existence.
Mamorou was left alone in the corridor. The light of the lamp flickered, and then it died out.
Usagi felt like she was a rabbit standing in front of a pack of wolves. Obviously, Kikyo was the entire pack of wolves.
The woman's red visor whirled then slowed, as if she was a machine processing information in front of her at a rapid speed. She shifted at her desk, flipping through files and papers while Usagi stood there silently waiting for her to speak.
Kikyo didn't speak for several long moments, but when she did her tongue was sharp as a thorn. She didn't look at Usagi, no, she directed her speech towards her papers, while Usagi was expected to listen. "The next phase in Illumi's training will begin shortly."
"So soon?" Usagi whispered.
Kikyo's head shot up from the papers, briskly, as if she was stunned that a servant of hers could talk back to her.
Usagi shuddered.
"Yes," Kiyko returned her focus to her papers, health reports of her eldest son. She looked displeased reading them. "Injections have been going smoother than expected, so I don't see why progress should wait any longer. Wouldn't you agree?"
Usagi did agree, only because she knew it was her place not to disagree.
Kikyo shuffled the health reports and laid them on the desk, delicately. If only she treated her son with gentle care as she did with those reports, then maybe Illumi would call her mommy. The legs of her chair made an aching sound as they glided against the wooden floor. Kikyo looked down at it, distastefully. Excluding grandfather, some things in the manor were old and broken and needed to be refurbished. Her kimono, a deep purple, blended into the darkness around them. It was difficult for Usagi to pinpoint when and where Kikyo was moving.
Kikyo stood in front of her face.
Usagi clenched her hands together, preventing herself from jumping back in shock.
"Usagi," Kikyo lulled. "I would like to thank you for your hard work taking care of my son during this important stage of his life—his career. Especially with his first injection, you were such a great help."
Usagi didn't know if Kikyo was being sarcastic or not, but it was her duty to thank her master when being praised, even if the praise was insincere. But soon, Usagi found herself apologizing, which Kikyo seemed to be reveling in. Instead of killing her on the spot, oh no, Kikyo began laughing. A reaction Usagi did not expect.
"Please, it's nothing to apologize over. It's all fun and games with children." Kikyo said, covering her mouth with the sleeve of her Kimono. Usagi thought the Madame was just hiding her sharp teeth, although the room was too dark to tell if Kikyo had any wolf like teeth, or any at all. Maybe her mouth was just an open vortex that sucked everything into it. Vortex or not, Usagi was afraid of standing too close, and not knowing how to act next, she began to awkwardly laugh with the woman.
Kikyo stopped laughing.
So did Usagi.
Silence reigned supreme. Kikyo reached her hand into the sleeve of her kimono. "I expect you to work even harder to take care of my son and help him take the next step in his career. Only you can do it."
Usagi gulped, maybe Kikyo is more forgiving than she seems. "Yes, Madame. I will not let you down."
Unbeknownst to Usagi, there was no knife, there was no gun, there was no dagger or blade, or any weapon hidden in Kikyo's sleeve. There was only a bell. A small black bell. Which the Madame rung once. Echoing through the darkness. Usagi didn't know what it was for, possibly to call in another servant. But no one knocked on the door for some time.
Kikyo lulled:
A couple of miles away
Rising moon on high
The land belongs to rabbits
The bell rung. Echoes sung. Usagi felt her head spinning.
Little one could not avoid
silver light valley
Following the grand moonshine
The bell rung once more. Usagi fell down to her knees, hastily grabbing a hold of Kikyo's kimono. Gasping. Sweating. Eyes bulging. Usagi's hair transformed from black to white. Her bones began to bend and break. Her teeth shifted and moved. Her eyes enlarged and watered and turned red. She cried out in agony. "What's happening to me?!"
Kikyo paid no heed to the impudent girl clinging to her kimono. She clicked her teeth together; the girl was going to leave a crease in her kimono. She raised her black bell and continued the final verse of her haiku:
Her curious mind
Made her fall into things far
Worse than rabbit holes.
The bell rung one last time as Usagi pleaded for help, transforming into something other than human. Her uniform lay limp on the floor, while a small ball rolled in the middle. Kikyo bent down and lifted the suit with the tips of her fingers and picked up the little white rabbit in the center of it.
Gotoh knocked on the door and Kikyo permitted him to enter. He bowed, respectfully.
Kikyo's voice was cold and her voice still lingered with a hint of irritation from her previous conversation. All the while, the bunny in her arms did not stop trembling. She ordered Gotoh to dispose of the butler's uniform as it was no longer needed. Neither was Usagi's room and belongings for that matter. Gotoh did as he was told.
"Next time," Kikyo turned around one last time before leaving Gotoh to clean up her mess. "Train future butlers to know their place. I can't have my son—my family—distracted by servants like Usagi."
"Of course, Madame." Gotoh bowed.
Kikyo made her way to the nursery as she stroked the trembling white bunny in her arms. There, in the nursery, she watched Silva teach their son his first lesson. She saw Silva instruct Illumi on how to hold a knife and pointed where to strike on a very human looking mannequin. For a moment, Kikyo didn't realize she was holding her breath. The sight before her was so wonderful. She was so overjoyed, enough to cry.
As she made her way into the nursery, Illumi turned his head and smiled. Only to frown that it wasn't his mommy, Usagi, who walked through the door. Only Kikyo. Silva tapped the mannequin again. "Ilumi," he said, his voice was coarse as stone. "Go on and strike down your enemy just how I showed you."
Illumi fumbled with the knife that was too big for his hands. He took a step towards the faceless mannequin, then he looked back towards Silva, forgetting what he was supposed to do. He hoped that looking at his father would provide him with an answer.
The answer consisted of Silva pushing him forward, encouraging him to plunge the knife into the red painted heart. Illumi hesitantly took a step towards the faceless thing and instead gave it a hug.
"No, Illumi." Silva sighed, exasperated. "You do not hug your enemy."
Illumi nodded, sheepishly. He gave the mannequin a kiss instead.
Silva wiped a hand over his eyes, as if he could wipe away his disappointment. When Silva was Illumi's age, he was already ripping out hearts and breaking bones, not to mention ruining hundreds of lives. But Illumi? The little boy looked so frail holding the knife he could barely lift, which he kept away from himself as far as he possibly could.
"I don't like this game." The little boy whimpered, softly.
"Come, come. I know, the first time was the hardest for me too." Silva pulled Illumi into his arms, holding each of Illumi's hands in his own. He made his son a puppet and drove the knife into the mannequin's heart. The little boy winced from the cracking sound the impact made. That he made. Silva congratulated his boy on a job well done. Illumi really didn't know if that was worth congratulating.
Silva turned his son towards his mother, and towards the little white rabbit. His sapphire eyes gazed upon his wife, and the ends of his lips curled in delight upon what his wife did to conjure the little rabbit. Her nen was written all over that cursed creature. It was Kikyo's chaos that made her so, so beautiful in his eyes. Then, Silva whispered instructions to his son. Pointing to the mannequin, with its heart stabbed out, and then to the little rabbit.
Illumi shuddered at the thought. Shaking his head. "I don't want to do that!"
"Illumi." Silva crooned, helping his little boy hold up the knife. Nice and steady. "As my son. As my heir. Killing—taking lives—is your birth right. Very few in the world are born with that honor. No one else has the privileges and advantages that you possess. Now—" Silva steered the knife in Illumi's hands towards the rabbit. "Make me proud and do exactly as I tell you. Bring me her heart."
And so was Illumi's first kill. The first of many more to come. He never saw Usagi again, there was no trace of her either. It was as if she disappeared completely, hidden like the rabbit making mochi on the moon. But soon Illumi's days in the nursery quickly came to an end and he forgot about the nanny he once called mommy too. Precious memories were quickly forgotten. Training to become an assassin left little time for him to enjoy what was left of his childhood.
It left little time for him to remember those who once loved him.
Few, as they were.
As said before, there is no happy beginning, there is no happy ending, and there are no happy bits in between. Correction, there is only one happy bit somewhere in this sad tale in the life of Illumi Zoldyck. That one short lived, happy bit was a boy who went by the name Oz. But if you wish to know more about the boy with the wizard's name, who was born in the city where fallen stars meet Earth, who died by the hands of the one he loved, then by all means, read ahead.
Although, there is a rule of thumb to remember. This story happened a very long time ago, so save the hope and pity for another tale with a tear-jerking happily ever after, there is no purpose in wishing for a future that can never be anything other than a disappointment.
Especially for the first-born son of the Zoldyck family.
A/N: Thank you for reading the first chapter of Letters to Yesterday! Throughout the fic, it will progressively get darker so some trigger warnings include: abuse, torture, blood, murder, etc. There will also be, um, 'peach' scenes when Illumi and Oz are both 18+ years old lol So the chapter! Poor Usagi! She was turned into a rabbit by Kikyo! (kikyo's nen ability was never explained in canon, so I took the liberty of making it up for my own purposes, sorry lol ) And Illumi, he used to be a sweet child but as the fic progressives while the opposite becomes more true XD
I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please review, I'd love to know your thoughts XD
