Summary: (Literati angst) They think I'm just plain old Rory. Sweet and innocent, never do a thing to hurt anyone, Rory Gilmore. But they couldn't be more wrong.

Rating: PG, for minor swearing.

Spoilers: Nick & Nora, Sid & Nancy

Setting: Mid to late season two

Notes: My first ever Lit fic, so reviews would be doubly appreciated!!

Disclaimer: I own Gilmore Girls!! Oh, and I'm also married to Johnny Depp, since my fling with Jude Law didn't work out. I live in a multi-million dollar mansion, where I sip pina colladas and read by the pool constantly every day. (If only...LOL!)

What They Don't Know

They think I'm just plain old Rory.

Sweet and innocent, never do a thing to hurt anyone, Rory Gilmore.

But they couldn't be more wrong. That's I used to be, before. But I'm not, not anymore. Not after what I just realized.

I think I'm in love with him. With Jess.

Jess.

God, just thinking his name sends shivers down my spine.

It shouldn't be like this. I hate that I'm turning into that girl. That "grass is always greener" girl, whom I always love to hate in movies and books.

I'm now starting to have some sympathy for that girl. Not that I pity myself. No way. I'm too mad to do that. I'm too mad that I could actually do something like this. I don't believe in just "falling" for people. I believe that there's a moment - a moment when you can choose whether you're going to let your feelings go any further, or stop at friendship.

And I can pinpoint that moment exactly.

Howl.

Dodger.

Oliver Twist.

At the time, I let myself believe it was his saving grace. I let myself believe that all I was doing at that point was proving he was someone worthy of holding a conversation with, someone who might turn into a friend at some point or another.

But deep, deep down, I knew it was more.

And I let it happen. I let myself fall for Jess, when I knew that I shouldn't. I should love Dean. My boyfriend.

But I don't.

I don't know exactly when or where it happened. But it did. I looked at him, and I didn't feel it. I didn't feel the happiness anymore. I didn't smile automatically when he came into my line of vision, and I rolled my eyes when I played his messages on the answering machine.

What's worse, I think it could have stopped it, even then. I think I could have gotten rid of the burgeoning feelings, if I had really tried. Nipped them in the bud, so to speak. I could have resisted the almost magnetic-like force that pulled me to him.

But what do I do? Do I avoid Jess, only being friendly to him when I run into him at Luke's, or other random times? No. I call him, instead of Dean. I talk to him. I argue with him. I laugh with him.

I fall for him.

My life has turned into a Joan Jett song - "I Hate Myself for Loving You."

That's how I feel, Jess. I hate myself for loving you.

I know I'm beating myself up more than I probably should for this. I don't want to love Jess. Really.

I refuse to say that I can't help it; I cannot bring myself to sound that cliched.

All I can do is just sit here and think. Think of everything they don't know.

And I can wish.

Wish that they did know, and that I was broken up with Dean. Wish it wouldn't kill my mother to know the thoughts that are circling through my head right at this moment. Wish that I could jump out of this bed right now, run to the diner, up the stairs, to the apartment, and kiss the living daylights out of Jess, like I've been dying to for weeks.

But they don't. And I'm not. And it would.

So I won't.

The End

A/N: PLEASE REVIEW! I don't know if caps help, but if they do, then there they are. Also, just a quick note to say that I don't own Howl (Great poem, though), Oliver Twist, "I Hate Myself for Loving You," or anything else mentioned in this fic.