I don't believe I've seen this particular 'What if?' anywhere yet, so I thought I'd give it a go. The style is a little unorthodox, but bear with me :)
Thanks to llano for looking it over.
I-84 East — somewhere between Stars Hollow and Hartford, Connecticut
Middletown. Worcester. Springfield. Boston. Meriden. Enfield. Hartford. New Haven.
Blinking back tears, Lorelai could barely read the signs as she sped along I-84. They were literally and figuratively a blur — all that her mind could focus on was Luke saying no. No. No, he wouldn't elope now. No, he wouldn't marry her. No, he couldn't do anything without dealing with April first. No, he didn't want her anymore…. Never.
She coughed, choking on another sob as it escaped her mouth. Taking a deep breath, she scanned those blurry signs to figure out exactly where she was. Mile after mile of highway, left. Hartford exits, next 4 rights.
The breathing offered a moment of clarity, and Lorelai knew she'd be absolutely insane to keep driving in her current state. But Rory was with Logan. Sookie had Jackson and the kids….
But she couldn't deal with tonight on her own, that much she knew. She needed someone….
Chris? No, Lorelai chastised herself immediately. Chris was all the way in Boston, and even if he wasn't a bad idea, he was way too far to even consider. He had his own problems to deal with if Emily was going to be setting him up with shrinks.
God damn that shrink. Damn her to hell, Lorelai glowered through her tears. Stupid shrink sitting in her stupid car in the stupid driveway. In any other circumstances, Lorelai would have suffered through the dinner, made her way home and curled up in front of the TV with Luke.
Okay, well, sure, maybe recent circumstances would have dictated an end to the evening that was more along the lines of Lorelai in front of the TV alone, save for the company of Ben and Jerry. But at least she'd still have been able to allow herself the delusion that she was still in a relationship that was fixable. One that still had a chance.
That certainly was no longer the case. She'd made sure of that, Lorelai lamented with a strangled laugh.
Recalling her own completely unhinged demands at the diner, Lorelai berated herself inwardly for even thinking something like that would ever work with Luke. What the hell had she been thinking? Had she even been thinking at all?
No, a voice nagged at her, no, of course not. You let yourself be brainwashed by the fucking psycholo-chiatrist-whatever in the fucking driveway of your parents house.
If only she hadn't said so much in the car. If only she hadn't gotten in the car. If only the fucking shrink hadn't been there in the first place. If only her goddamned mother hadn't invited the stupid woman in the first place. Why the hell did Christopher need to get set up by Emily in the first place? Did she honestly think Chris would date a therapist? Why the fuck couldn't Emily just keep her nose out of other people's business?
Stupid Emily inviting the stupid shrink.
An exit sign for one of the back roads to New Haven flashed by. Maybe she could… No. Rory didn't need this. Not tonight.
More exit signs flew by, and still Lorelai kept in the left lane, numbly following signs directing her to Providence, Springfield, Boston. Boston. She could go see Chris… Again, no. If last year was any indication, adding him to her problems with Luke would just be a recipe for a mess worse than the Titanic sinking.
Not that things weren't utterly hopeless already anyway, Lorelai sniffled, ignoring the tears streaming down her cheeks. God, why — why? — did the shrink have to be there tonight of all nights?
Because Emily just can't fucking mind her own business. Ever, Lorelai heard, the nagging voice making a repeat appearance. Fucking Emily and the fucking shrink and fucking Luke, Lorelai fumed silently. If her mother and the stupid dinner with the stupid shrink had never happened, she never would have gone running to Luke. He never would have been able to say no because she wouldn't have asked. She'd still be with Luke.
"Dammit!" she cursed aloud, surprising herself with the venom in her voice.
Swallowing hard, Lorelai hastily swiped at her teary eyes. Making a snap decision, she jerked the wheel, making a quick right, with just barely enough time to merge onto the familiar exit ramp.
Just a few moments later, she cleared her throat and banged loudly on the heavy, wooden veneer.
Before Emily had even gotten the door halfway open, Lorelai was launching herself into the vestibule, demanding harshly, "Why the hell did you find it necessary to have a shrink at dinner tonight?"
Emily managed a spluttered "Lorelai, I hardly think-" of confusion before Lorelai cut her off.
"No, seriously," Lorelai cried, "A shrink? Does that really seem like Christopher's thing?"
"You're hysterical," Emily stated, studying her daughter. "You're hysterical. What on earth-"
"Chris is never gonna date a shrink!" Lorelai shrieked.
With pursed lips, Emily folded her arms in front of her chest, declaring in detached tones, "I hardly think who Christopher dates is your concern."
Lorelai threw her arms in the air in disbelief. "Oh, but it is yours?"
Emily began a defense of "I was simply-" but was again cut off by Lorelai's increasingly deranged-sounding tirade.
"Can't you ever just mind your own business?" Lorelai wailed, "Can't you ever just fucking min-"
"Lorelai!" Emily gasped, obviously shocked by the profanity.
"No!" Lorelai countered angrily. "You screw things up! You can't just leave things alone! You weasel your way in where you don't belong and you mess things up! Everything just…." As she made her way through the disparaging rant, Lorelai felt the energy draining from her. And she started to hear her own words, realizing how utterly ridiculous it was that there she stood, her relationship with Luke shattered and stomped on, and she was berating her mother for trying to set up Christopher. It had nothing to do with anything…. The futility of yelling at her mother just magnified everything that had gone wrong that night — the fact that everything turned out completely wrong. Choking on her words, she clutched her stomach with one hand, the other flying up to cover her face as one truth slipped quietly from her mouth, "Everything just turned into a big mess…."
Emily's face paled, immediately transformed by an expression of concern. "Lorelai?" she asked hesitantly, placing a hand gently on Lorelai's shoulder.
It was the last straw. Lorelai had tried to hold it together, but….
It wasn't Emily's fault. It wasn't the shrink's fault, it wasn't anyone's fault but her own. She'd fucked up, she'd lost Luke. So it was his fault too. But he wasn't there, and he wasn't ever going to be there again.
The re-realization that it was over hit Lorelai once more, and big, gulping sobs overtook her body.
Another moment or two after that, Lorelai found herself the last place she expected to be that night, the last place she'd expected to be just a few nights ago. But for all the times in her childhood that events had not played out in that manner, for the second time in less than a week, Lorelai found herself weeping in the comforting embrace of her mother.
To be continued...
