Hi there! This is my new fic-'Grandfather Flint Returns'. It's a more Marcus-centered story that is family and humor-oriented...with of course, the additions of mature subject manner and inappropriate behavior. I will give you fair warning, there will most likely be controversial/dark/obscene/blasphemous behavior, jokes and content within this fic. It's inspired by various comedians and Seth MacFarlane, which the world knows is the creator of similar-themed shows such as Family Guy, American Dad, the Cleveland Show...and you know what goes on in there. The same goes for shows like Robot Chicken, Rick and Morty and the like.
Note that whatever the OC or any other character says about a certain person/controversial subject/what have you...it does not reflect my actual views whatsoever. This is not a debate site, therefore my views do not matter. This is fanfiction and it'll be treated as such. The same goes for my next idea I am working on...which you'll see later when I decide to post. I'll give the same warning. Besides, there are a lot of people who do appreciate this sort of humor, so I'm giving the readers what they want. Don't say I didn't give you a heads-up.
Author's note and Disclaimer: I don't own HP and I never will! The OC is mine, though the last name is Rowling's...you get the idea. Any errors are my own and feel free to correct. Let me know what you think and enjoy! I'm trying my best to make this funnier...so..bear with me. :P Not used to writing mostly humor.
Chapter One-Enter Caligula
~Autumn, Saturday morning, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry-Dumbledore's office.~
"Another one! That's the fifth one in the past two weeks! Honestly, Albus..you have got to do something about all these escaped convicts and Dementors making their way into the school! One of the prefects swore she saw a troll hovering near the edge of the Forbidden Forest scoping out an entryway! We've received countless Howlers from parents and there's been complaints to the Ministry...how else can we expect to keep this school running if it's no longer safe?!" "McGonagall has a point, Albus. Face it, the wards aren't as strong as they used to be. They need to be replaced at once."
An elderly wizard was leaning in his favorite oak chair; sucking on a prized lemondrop, eyeing his most trusted employees standing before him. His periwinkle-blue eyes twinkled as he replied "I'm quite aware of the troubles at hand, dear Minerva and Severus. As of late, it wasn't anything Remus couldn't handle."
"As of late, he's been gone...sorting out the problems between bickering werewolf clans. You need someone to take over his lessons as well and I can't juggle both DADA and Potions like I did last year." Snape retorted as he gazed at the headmaster with pitch-black eyes.
Dumbledore chuckled, seeing as it further irritated the Potions Master. "Don't worry, I have the perfect person in mind." "I sure hope so, Albus. We're going to need them, whoever they are." McGonagall sighed as she stepped out, leaving the two men alone. Severus narrowed his orbs "Are you contacting who I think it is?" "Ohhh yes."
"Oh, Merlin..." The dungeon bat left the office, muttering something about restocking his liquor cabinet. Smiling to himself, he opened the pewter box on the top right hand corner of his desk, flicking through the cards. He soon found the address he was looking for. 'Now to contact one of my most...interesting...former students...' he mused while he scribbled down on a leaf of parchment.
~Midday, At an undisclosed location in the United Kingdom...~
"Now I know I put that rusty spoon somewhere...what the fuck did I do with it?...no...it was those goddamn nargles again. Rotten bastards...where's a bloody bugzapper when you need it?! At least I can put that on my Yuletide list..." A loud tapping sounded on his window. Throwing a chair into the wall for no apparent reason whatsoever, he opened the window, allowing a fiery red bird to perch atop of his fireplace. Fawkes twittered at the man, extending a leg with a letter attached. The man gently took the letter and unraveled the ribbon.
"-Greetings, Mr. Flint. I say, it has been a while since I saw you last...clearly in public. Anyway, I'm writing to ask for your assistance. As I'm sure you've heard, there have been some...issues...with the wards surrounding Hogwarts and I was hoping you'd consider returning to your alma mater to repair them. Also, we need someone to fill in as the temporary Defense instructor, our current professor...is on leave. You'll be given your own quarters and free roam about the grounds...which we both realize you know them like the back of your wand. In between, I'm sure a certain someone will be happy to see you. No, I won't blab. You'd like to make an entrance. Please return a reply as soon as it's feasible...or go about it your own way...as usual. P.S.-Thank you for leaving at least one address for contact. ~Regards, Albus Dumbledore.-"
'Well, well well...still alive, old goat? And yes...I'm quite aware of the break-ins, the Dementors and the fucking troll-which is of no relation...and Remus baying at the moon with the wolfpacks. Why couldn't you have mounted their heads on a pike? That would have deterred most of them, but noooo...you have to be all noble and legal about it. Dick. Anyway, at least I have something better to do, today.' he mused as he packed his belongings and waltzed out the door. Leaping over a fence, he barked at a skeletal horse-like creature "Griffin! Drop that squirrel! We're going on vacation!" Several minutes and a loud 'crack' later, two figures appeared in the Forbidden Forest. ''Hello, Hoggy!''
~Back in the castle...~
Albus was standing in front of his office door, taking his time to pick the scone crumbs out from his gigantic beard. 'There we are..last one. I seriously should consider crumb-proofing my facial hair...' he turned the knob, stepping inside to see the room was already occupied. "You know, I would've expected you to have departed by choking on lemondrop already. Of course, choking on a dick would have been more appropriate, if you catch my drift. In my opinion, either would have been a hilarious and embarrassing way to go..." "Nice to see you too, Caligula."
So...your thoughts? Anyway, thanks again for reading! :) The chapters will get longer, I promise!
