It was bad, like really bad.
Things had been going so well for everyone but this, this was just unexpected and quite frankly painful to watch.
Shelby watched as Santana completed her morning workout. It was late September but it was still warm out and her daughter was wearing the punching bag in their backyard a new one.
They had broken up.
Sage and Santana were no longer and it clearly was having a profound effect on more than just the two of them. It seemed as if the Corcoran-Johnson and McLaurin children were at odds with one another because of said breakup. Quinn and Kitty's relationship was on the rocks; at least that is what Quinn's been telling Shelby. And Rachel called a couple days before and told Shelby that she and Tyler were taking a break.
Shelby sighed into her coffee mug as she walked away from the window and sat at the kitchen table.
Terry had gone to drop Brandon off at day care, Beth at pre-school, and TJ at McKinley so it was just her and Santana at the house for the early morning.
A large part of Shelby wanted to give Santana the third degree about why she and Sage had broken up but the fact that Santana had emerged from her bedroom for the first time in weeks kept Shelby from going outside and forcing her eldest daughter to talk. She just wanted know what happened and why.
Apparently the break up was awful and the aftermath was just as horrific. Honestly Shelby was surprised that the relationship lasted as long as it did. Long distance was hard for any relationship and the fact that all of her older kids besides Mercedes were attempting to do this successfully was always troubling for Shelby. That they all had made it past year one, which was something to be impressed with but a mother's concern never wavered and Shelby's worry level had increased exponentially over the past month. Terry was always there telling her to 'chill' and that 'things would be okay' but she hadn't really talked to Santana in over a month and they lived in the same home, while Rachel's heart was broken at the moment, and Quinn was having a hard time focusing in school because things with her and Kitty were stressful.
The glass door slid opened, causing Shelby to get out of her thoughts and she watched Santana walk through and straight to the sink, where she washed her hands.
"Can I get some of this?" asked Santana hoarsely. Her throat was quite sore from weeks of not using it.
"Of course" replied Shelby softly.
Once Santana had finished making the hot beverage she turned and noticed her mother patting the seat next to her and looking at her pointedly. She had no choice but to sit.
Santana thought her mom would began her investigation on how she felt and being her usual supportive self, but not this time. This time Shelby was completely quiet and her eyes were trained on the side of Santana's profile. If they were gonna talk it was going to be Santana who started the conversation.
A part of her wanted to just get up and leave but she knew that was a no go. She'd been hiding in her room for almost a month, lost in deep depression. Marissa had told her some months ago that Santana was prone to depression and it would be something she would struggle with the rest of her life. What they worked on was coping with it when it happened and giving her the proper medication. Even with medicine, there was always a possibility that she could fall into deep depression depending on what she was dealing with.
Getting your heart broken she guessed was enough cause for her to stay in her room, with the lights out, lying in her bed and crying.
Now she was just angry and the punching bag felt her wrath today.
Santana continued to sip her hot coffee until it was half way gone before speaking, "I'm okay mom" she said clearing her throat. "Seriously" she said turning to face Shelby slightly and to look at Rachel's doppelganger.
"That's complete bull" replied her mother after looking at her for a few seconds.
Santana bit her bottom lip and chuckled, "you think you know me" she said softly.
"Very well" whispered Shelby as she tucked a piece of hair behind Santana's ear and began lightly scratching the hairs on the back of her head and neck. Santana's eyes fluttered close and she felt her eyes water.
"What did she do to my baby?" whispered Shelby, not being able to hold out any longer.
Santana sighed heavily as she fought away her tears, "she broke my fucking heart mom."
Santana had a smile that was from ear to ear as she was in the arms of her beautiful girlfriend. She was watching her sister perform on stage at this place 'Callbacks', where all the Nyada students did impromptu performances. Rachel wasn't going to rest until the entire crew was there that weekend.
Thus far, Rachel had gotten Mercedes up on stage and she was trying her hardest to get Quinn and Santana to join them in a Corcoran-Johnson song reunion. Santana was having none of it though and Quinn was too enamored with Kitty, who'd made the trip from Lima to New York for the weekend, to be bothered with singing in front of a bunch of college strangers.
Santana couldn't blame her because she was all about Sage that weekend herself. Her girlfriend had come down from Berklee after leaving Lima early over the summer to take a three week course.
Although she was beyond ecstatic to see Sage…something was off.
It had been lying under the surface between them since they'd gotten together this weekend. It was nagging the hell out of Santana and her Mexican third eye was signaling off the chart. She could tell it when they kissed and when they made love. Sage's behavior was the same, her clothing style, the way she held her, the way she slept, the moans she made when having sex, and her sated expression when she came down from her climax was all the same, but yet it wasn't. Something in Sage's eyes had shifted and Santana could tell Sage was trying hard to hide it.
Santana had always been a perceptive person just by observing people. She considered it one of her many talents. She noticed the slightest variation in anyone, especially with those she loved and Sage was unusual. Santana even questioned what was up but Sage dismissed her softly and engaged Santana in a passionate kiss that turned Santana's mind toward other things.
To avoid confrontation though Santana just pretended like things were normal. If Sage was going to pretend then so was she and Santana knew Sage would come to her and talk when she was ready. After deciding to leave well enough alone, their weekend turned out to be great and Santana was coming to the conclusion that she was the one with the problem and not the other way around.
"You know Rachel, I might take you up on your offer to perform" said Sage at the table, causing Santana to get out of her own mental musings. Santana turned to look up at Sage, whom she was still laying against, "you sure you wanna do that babe?" asked Santana, "these Nyada types can be a little snobbish" smirked Santana as she quickly dodged a balled up napkin that Rachel threw in her direction.
"Watch it Peanut" said Rachel warningly.
Santana shot her sister a glare because she was once again using her nickname out in public.
"I think I'll be okay" Sage said softly.
"Okay then, I'll introduce you" clapped Rachel with excitement as she darted off towards the stage.
Santana gave Sage a questioning look but Sage smiled and placed a soft kiss on her lips before heading towards the stage. Santana looked around at the people surrounding the table and could see a concerned look on Kitty's face as she watched Sage walk away.
"Is she okay?" asked Mercedes with her lips around the straw in her drink.
"Yeah she's good" answered Kitty before Santana could get something out.
"You sure?" asked Quinn.
"Yeah…she's good" replied Tyler quietly.
Santana's brows scrunched together even more as Rachel introduced who Sage was with excitement. Her girlfriend already has a small following of fans after releasing a few songs on YouTube under her own label. Apparently some of those fans were in attendance and an exciting buzz started to shift through the crowd. While anticipation was building, Santana could only look on with concern that was now turning into heavy anxiousness as she noticed the serious look on her girlfriends face.
Sage was tuning a guitar that she was allowed to use by the club management. Once she was done she turned towards the audience and put on a dazzling smile. That smile seemed to work with the crowd as they could see her natural beauty that Santana always loved. Whenever the light hit Sage in a certain way, it just seemed to magnify the best parts of her and tonight was no different. The crowd seemed to be attentive to Sage but Santana's stomach was in knots. She knew Sage's smile was fake because it didn't reach her eyes. Something else was hidden in her eyes as she glanced quickly over towards their table and flicked her eyes back. Santana saw what she'd been trying to figure out all weekend, what had been hiding in Sage's eyes that she couldn't quite guess.
Guilt.
Her girlfriend felt guilty about something and Santana almost stopped breathing as her mind came up with a thousand reasons on why Sage would feel that way.
"Good evening everyone" Sage said smoothly into the microphone, "I want to thank everyone for allowing me to perform tonight. This was totally unplanned but I feel at home on stage more often now than not" she said clearing her throat and taking a deep breath. "So I'm going to sing a song that's in my heart right now, it's one of my favs and I've been singing it since high school. I've always loved it even though it's a little sad and I hope everyone likes it as well even though it's not my usual style" Sage said as she began strumming the first few chords of the song and Santana felt her stomach bottom out as Sage began singing.
I said I left my baby girl a message
Sayin' I won't be coming home
I'd rather be alone
She doesn't fully understand me
That I'd rather leave than to cheat
If she gives me some time
I can be the girl she needs
But there's a lot of lust inside of me
And we've been together since our teenage years
I really don't mean to hurt her, but I need some time
To be alone
But when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
I just need time to see
Where I wanna be
Where I wanna be...
I don't mean to hurt you, baby, oh, no, no...
Never did I imagine
That you would play a major part
In a decision that's so hard
Do I leave, do I stay, do I go?
I think about my life and what matters to me the most
Girl, the love that we share is real
But in time your heart will heal
I'm not saying I'm gone
But I have to find what life is like
Without you
But when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
And I just need time to see
Where I wanna be
I don't mean to hurt you, baby
See when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
And I just need time to see
Where I wanna be
Where I wanna be...
I'm Sorry Baby
Santana was frozen in her chair. She'd just been dumped through song in the most embarrassing way ever. She licked her lips and swallowed the lump in her throat as she watched Sage exit the stage with watery eyes and a raucous applause accompanying her. It seemed she sang with so much feeling, so much soul and the crowd was showing their appreciation to her for it. As she made her way through people, they were stopping her and telling her how much they loved her performance and Sage was being ever the cordial artist as Santana never let her eyes so much as drift from the biracial girl.
"Santana…" said Mercedes quietly. She glanced over at her sister and saw the look she hated most. Sympathy mixed with pity.
Santana grabbed her purse abruptly and headed out of 'Callbacks' swiftly leaving her sisters to call after her. She felt the beginnings of a panic attack happening and she needed fresh air. She needed to breathe. Once outside, she began walking quickly towards the train station which they'd come from earlier.
"Santana!" she heard Sage yell, "Santana please wait!" Sage practically screamed.
She wasn't having it though. Hot tears were falling rapidly down her face and she was angry at the fact that her body was once again betraying her by showing her emotions in public. She began running towards the station, pushing and bumping into people as she made her escape. Her arm being jerked back caught her off guard and she was turned in one swift motion to face Sage.
"Santana please" pleaded Sage.
She jerked her arm out of Sage's grasp angrily. The rage that she always held at bay was coursing through her veins at a rapid pace and it scared her. Santana wanted nothing more than to slap the shit out of Sage and that kind of thinking freaked her out considering her past. She took two steps back as she locked eyes with Sage.
Upon seeing her face Sage felt tears immediately spill out of her eyes and she shifted her eyes in an entirely different direction. She had really screwed this up, "I'm so, so sorry" said Sage desperately.
"I asked you" Santana replied brokenly, "I asked you what was wrong and you said everything was fine. Since when did you become a liar?!" Santana yelled at her.
Sage jumped slightly at the yelling and she shook her head as she looked down, "I'm sorry" was all she could reply with.
"Why did you embarrass me like this Sage?" asked Santana desperately as her face broke down even more, "Why couldn't you have told me before I flew all the way to fucking New York? You should've been honest with me and said you didn't want me anymore. I feel like such an idiot!" Santana said in disgust. The pain evident in her voice, "Why didn't you tell me you didn't want me anymore?" Santana cried out brokenly.
Sage still wasn't looking at her, it was clear she couldn't face the mistake she'd made.
"Look at me" demanded Santana, "if you're going to do this, do this like a woman."
Sage looked up at Santana in pain, "it's not that I don't want you Santana, I'll always want you, it's just that I don't deserve you" whispered out Sage.
Suddenly the lyrics to the song Sage had just sung came to the forefront of Santana's mind and she felt like she was going to be sick.
"Did you, did you cheat on me?" asked Santana incredulously.
Sage's face broke down completely as she turned her face in shame.
"Oh my gosh" Santana gasped loudly, "I ca-can't believe…" said Santana. She turned and ran away down the street in shock without completing her thought. Her chest hurt and she couldn't be around the cause of that pain any longer.
Thankful that she decided on dressing casual with a pair of sneakers and skinny jeans, Santana just ran until she couldn't do it any longer. To most people around her she looked like she was running late to hang out with friends. If they'd paid close attention they would've seen the dry tracks of her tears on her face.
Eventually she ended up on the out skirts of central park, where she collapsed against a bench in exhaustion. Her phone had been ringing off the hook, along with text message alerts for the past ten minutes. She decided to cut it off, not bothering to see who was trying to get in contact with her.
She had a decision to make, what was her next move going to be but it was so much traveling through her mind at once that it was becoming difficult to decide what to do. Every time she tried to think clearly her mind would wonder back to Sage finally admitting the truth and the pain that was associated with it. Santana's eyes began to prick with tears and she wiped at them angrily. She wasn't going to cry anymore, that was her first choice. Sage didn't deserve any more of her tears…at all.
Santana sat there for a long time before standing up and stretching out her body. The only thing she could come up with was that she wanted to go home. She needed to get out of New York and return to the familiar. In the past she felt like she was stuck in Lima, in Ohio really but as of recently she realized that it was where she belonged at the moment in her life. For so long Lima was synonymous with trouble and unhappiness…now life in Lima was good. She had two parents who loved her, a grandmother whom spoiled and adored her, younger siblings that looked up to her, a decent job and she was helping out her community with her storage and clothing drive. She even took a couple of courses last semester. She had a bad ass car and she thought she had a loving, devoted girlfriend.
Glancing down at her watch she noticed it was almost two in the morning. She heard herself scoff loudly once she realized she'd gotten that wrist watch from Sage for Christmas. She gingerly made her way towards the family condo, knowing her sisters were probably having a fit because she hadn't reached them yet. It only took twenty minutes to get to the lobby of their duplex condo.
"They've been looking for you Ms. Corcoran-Johnson" said Larry, their super polite doorman.
"Yeah I know... thanks" Santana whispered as he walked her to the elevators and let her on.
She was let off on her floor and she walked slowly towards the door, mentally prepping herself for what was inside. Closing the door behind her, she flung her purse down on the foyer table and looked up in enough time to see her sisters flying around the corner with worried expressions.
All three of them began to rip her a new one because she hadn't picked up her phone and they were voicing their obvious concern. Santana couldn't be bothered so she brushed past the three of them harshly and made her way towards her bedroom.
"Santana she's in there" Quinn said causing her other two sisters to shut their mouths immediately.
"No need to worry Quinn, I'm just going to grab my plane ticket and them I'm out" said Santana with her back towards them.
"You're going home" said Rachel softly.
"Yes, I can't be here right now…I just need to get away" said Santana as she continued up the stairs.
"I'm coming with you" said Quinn.
"I don't need a babysitter Fabray!" replied Santana shortly.
"I know you don't" responded Quinn meeting her halfway up the stairs, "but I'm going with you anyway."
"You have class on Monday" Santana said weakly, not meeting the hazel-green eyes looking at her.
"I'll make it back to Yale, you don't worry about that" Quinn said softly.
"Fine" whispered Santana as she turned and stormed the rest of the way to her room. When she opened the door Sage was sitting on her bed, clearly waiting for her with bloodshot eyes. Santana took a deep breath as an emotional tidal wave encompassed her entire being. She ignored Sage and went into her walk in closet, grabbing her hoodie and walking out.
"Santana can we please talk" asked Sage as Santana made her way out of the closet and over to her dresser drawer which held her roundtrip ticket. Quietly she extracted her ticket and turned to leave when Sage grabbed her wrist.
"San please" whispered the broken girl.
Snatching her hand away she felt the rage win the battle between her pain and she shoved Sage away slightly before balling her hands up and keeping her arms limply at her side, "don't you ever touch me again" she said through gritted teeth. Sage was shocked and she released a shaky breath, "I'm sorry for touching you but we need to talk" said Sage holding her hands up in a defenseless manner.
For a split second guilt cut through the rage and Santana's eyes softened slightly, "does the ending change? At the end of this talk, is what you're going to say change the fact that you cheated?" asked Santana tightly.
Sage shook her head 'no' as fresh tears escaped her eyes.
"Then we have nothing to talk about…we're done" said Santana emotionally as she turned to walk away. She yanked the watch from her wrist and flung it angrily in the direction of Sage, who caught it effortlessly.
"I love you" cried out Sage.
"Obviously not enough" spat out Santana as she walked out of her room and slammed the door in the process, causing the vibrations to echo through their entire condo. Santana stormed down the stairs and walked straight to the foyer where Quinn was waiting. She put her hoodie on, grabbed her purse and walked out of the condo with Quinn hot on her trail.
The plane had landed back in Ohio safely. The duo was waiting for the plane to let them get off so they could make their way back to Lima. Santana had parked her car and she just wanted to hurry up and head home. Quinn, to her credit, hadn't uttered a word since they left the condo. Even if she forced herself on this trip Quinn understood probably better than the rest of her sisters how Santana processed, especially now.
Old Santana would have went back to her vices but this Santana had to work things out within herself and she wouldn't have been able to do that with Mercedes or Rachel there. Even though her sisters meant well, sometimes silence was the best answer. There was a light drizzle so Santana pulled the hood up over her head as they made their way out of the airport and to her car. It was still some distance before they would get to Lima and Santana needed the distraction of driving.
Shortly after Santana was pulling into the family's driveway and parking her car. She hadn't even realized she was speeding until she had to abruptly slowdown once they were within the Lima city limits. Quinn remained quiet and stoic next to her.
Santana exited the vehicle quickly and hurried through the front door where her mother was sitting in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee, obviously waiting for them. As soon as Shelby's face turned to look at her Santana broke down into a heap on the floor. For whatever reason, whenever she saw her mother and she was in emotional turmoil it happened that way. She felt the familiar arms of Shelby encompass her and together they mourned the loss of something Santana held so dear.
Shelby reached over and wiped a few stray tears from her eyes, "you ever felt you heart break?" asked Santana once she finished retelling her side of things.
"Yes, it's an awful feeling" replied Shelby as she went back to rubbing the back of Santana's head.
"Yeah it is" responded Santana, "it was almost as if I actually heard it snap in two. After everything we've been through I just don't get how Sage could do that to us" shrugged Santana.
"I don't either but every story has two sides and I think you owe it to her and yourself to hear hers" said Shelby.
"I'm not ready to talk to her yet…not yet" whispered Santana after a moment of silence.
"I understand, but she's been spending the better part of a month trying to get in contact with you…your sisters as well and frankly I'm tired of the girl calling here" said Shelby. "I think you need to call her and resolve everything."
"That's not as easy as it looks, or sounds" replied Santana.
"I know honey, but it's all a part of the moving on process" whispered Shelby as she pulled Santana into her and hugged her tightly. Shelby began rocking them back in forth as Santana enjoyed her mother's comfort. "We need to fatten you up kid…you're too skinny for my liking and your Nana is going to have a fit when she sees you."
As if on cue, Nana walked through the door. Santana looked up and gave the older woman a soft smile.
"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes" said Nana walking into the kitchen, "stand up and let me see you" ordered her grandmother. Santana reluctantly stood and watched as the older woman tutted in disapproval as she surveyed her body.
"Unacceptable child…Shelby help me cook this girl something to eat before she disappears" said Nana as she pulled Santana into a big hug. "I know it hurts darling but you'll pull through this and remember your family is here to help" Nana whispered in her ear.
Santana nodded as her eyes watered, "thank you" she said emotionally. It was the only thing she could get out without crying like a baby once again.
So I know a lot of people aren't going to be too happy about this but it's something I've had plan for a really long time. Thoughts are appreciated!
The song is "Where I Wanna Be" by Donnell Jones…it really is a classic.
