Suppose that when Joan showed up in front of Morse's apartment things had gone differently. That Morse had not asked her to marry him, instead had tried to help her. Things may well have turned out quite differently.

Please Stay Here

It was just another night in what seemed to be an endless series of similar unremarkable nights for me. The pub had beckoned, and like always I nursed the drinking of a few pints of my favorite ale which I could afford while doing the crossword in one of the out of town papers. It was always a balance of making it last as long as possible versus the need to drink it before it went off, a process I had become quite adept at. All in all a quiet night and being on a budget, like always, I had to resist the desire to have another and call it a night, even though I dreaded the solitude of my pitiful apartment

There's no hurry to get home, nothing awaiting me not even a cat. So I meander along, thinking about what I can expect at work in the morning while observing my surroundings, just in case. The quiet and solitude of the late hour broken only by the occasional passing car. Midway along the walk of my block I see that I am not alone out tonight. A solitary forlorn figure, bundled up in a green coat, is sitting on a bench, apparently in front of my stairway. The smoke from a cigarette is rising in the autumn air above them.

Something about the shape seems familiar, and as I approach, the person stands as if they may recognize me. Their body language however is one of apprehension rather than welcome. When they stand, I immediately recognize them as Miss Thursday, yet why she should be outside my apartment at this late hour I cannot imagine. As I approach, she stubs the cigarette out against the wrought iron railing as if she is guilty to be seen smoking. As I get close enough to greet her, she stays against the railing so that I am slightly to her left a move I think little of at the time.

"Hello" is all I can think to say, certainly not original but its all I can manage.

A passing car almost drowns out her quiet response, although the weak smile is enough of an answer.

I have my keys out by now and I have noticed that she doesn't have a purse or anything else with her. Several cigarette butts littering the walk let me know she has been waiting for some time so something must be important.

"Would you like to come in?" as embarrassed as I am for her to see my crummy little place, its better than being out here on the street at this time of night. Again she smiles weakly, and nods her head, so I extend my arm and point "downstairs". She turns and leads the way down to the little landing. There I must squeeze beside her so that I can unlock the door. Then I step back and allow her to enter the semidarkness of the main room. Again I must get past her to turn on a lamp. When I turn back to her, she turns away. But not quickly enough, I have already seen the angry bruising on her right cheek and around her eye. For a man who prides himself on his control I"m surprised how quickly the surge of anger takes control of me. The need to lash out at the person who had done this, to hurt them like they had hurt her. And I know immediately who had done it to her: "where is he?"

"no Morse, leave it I provoked him!"

"I don't care, tell me where he is!"

She came over to me grabbed me by both arms and said "Morse no!, please don't can we just let it go for now, I need to sit down for a minute and rest I'm so tired."

Still consumed by the anger I felt for Ray, I had to relent, if just for a little while. "Ok., Ok, sit wherever you can," then looking around my meagre ramshackle furnishing I had to add, "wherever you can find a place."

She looked around and saw, probably for the first time, how modestly I was living and went and sat in the smaller of the only two chairs I had. "This is fine, I just need to rest for a minute."

Looking at her battered face I knew she needed more than that but could only think "would you like something to drink?" "I can make some tea, but I want something a little stronger."

"no I'm fine."

"you're far from fine" so I went in my little kitchenette, found two glasses, which I quickly rinsed out so that I could use them. In one I poured a generous measure of scotch, the other just a small amount. I took them back into my living room where I handed the smaller amount to her " here drink this it will make you feel better."

She shook her head and told me "no, I really don't need that, I must be going."

"nonsense, drink it while I put the kettle on." I tossed back my drink as I watched her to be sure she drank hers. When she finished drinking it down, I told her "right, now I will go put the kettle on" Just as I was starting to pack the kettle the phone rang. We both watched as it continued to ring but neither one made a move toward it. Finally she said "you might want to answer that it could be work"

"only thing it could be"

She picked up the phone set and handed me the receiver. I held it to my ear and said "Morse" It was the night desk sergeant telling me that a body had been found and they needed for me to come in right way. "I can leave in five minutes, what was that address again?" He repeated the address which I wrote down before hanging up the phone.

"I suppose I need to be going to then"

"nonsense, you stay here, I don't know where you think you are going but the buses quit running at eleven"

"well I can't stay here."

"don't be ridiculous, stay here, I will leave the key in case you need to go out, I don't know how long I will be but I will be back as soon as I can, and we will sort this out"

I really can't do that"

"I really have to go, mind the kettle, I don't know what's in the fridge, and whether its gone off, but you are welcome to whatever is here."

I headed for the door before she could raise anymore objections. As I started to go out, I had to stop, turn around and tell her, "that's the only key I've got, so take care of it." Then I was up the stairs and headed toward the station. Before I could reach the top, I heard my name being called "Morse."

"Yes"

"If you see dad…don't say anything, ok?"

"of course not"

"you promise?"

"I promise, please stay here….ok?...I've got to go"

With that I started off toward the station and another long night of dealing with the cruelties that people can inflict on each other. I've worked through many a long night on similar cases, but this was the worst. It seemed like we were walking in mud the entire night. Nothing went smoothly, people were slow, Inspector Thursday and I had words because he thought I wasn't focused. Just a miserable night, made even worse by a predawn rain shower. We were finally released about eight to go home and get some rest before returning that afternoon. Even then Thursday had to give me grief about hoping I would come back with a bit more focus. His comment would normally have troubled me for the rest of the day, but not today for I had somewhere to go.

All the way home I was torn between the desire to run, so that I would get there quicker, and the dread of what I might find. I wanted to think of the possibilities but forced myself not to, I couldn't really believe that she would be there. Suppose she wasn't what would I do? Suppose she was what would I do? The closer I got to my flat the more nervous I got. When I reached the top of the steps I couldn't tell if a light was on or not, and I couldn't hear any sound. After a moments hesitation I started down the steps as if there was a bomb under each tread. Reaching the bottom, there was still no evidence that there was anybody inside, so I looked around to see if the key had been left. I looked at all the obvious spots without finding anything, then I looked at all the clever spots that I could think of, still nothing. "well maybe she has stepped out, or just forgot". Regardless I had to do something, so I took a deep breath then knocked. There was no response, so I waited what I thought was a reasonable amount of time and knocked again, still no response. She must have left but I'll give it one more time. This time I used my fist and banged on the door, enough so that I was worried about waking other people along the walk up. Suddenly I heard a noise as if something had been dropped and I knew somebody was inside.

A few seconds later the door was opened just far enough for the chain to pull tight and I could see a blue eye and some brunette hair.

"Good morning"

The response wasn't the cheeriest greeting I had ever received but at least it was a "good morning". She undid the chain and opened the door to let me inside the still dark apartment. I went over and turned on the lamp while she hobbled over to the chair, still wearing the clothes, sans coat, that she had had on the previous evening.

"what's the matter? I didn't notice you limping last night"

"I wasn't, I kicked that dam chair trying to get to the door so you wouldn't wake up the neighborhood."

"Did you find anything to eat?"

"Nothing worth mentioning, it's a wonder you haven't starved to death"

"I'm sorry. Why don't you get some money out of the tin and go and get something.?"

"come with me."

"I'm too knackered, I've got to be back to the station by two, and I just have to get some rest. Besides I want to talk to you."

"about what?"

"oh come on, what happened for one, how can I help, if you want my help for another. Just let me set the alarm so I can wake up in time," before I stretched out in the big chair it dawned on me, I looked at her "you are coming back aren't you?'

She was still standing there on one leg, massaging the toes of her other foot, she looked up at me "I will stay at least until you have to go back to work."

I nodded my agreement, supposing that's fair, or at least the best I could hope for. Just before I drifted off to sleep, I could hear the lid of the tin being opened then replaced, shortly afterward the door being quietly opened then closing. I could only hope she would come back.

The alarm had never sounded more jarring or more persistent. In my dream she had come to me seeking my help, and I had refused her. It all seemed so real that I didn't open my eyes for a few seconds, Before I could open and focus them the alarm had quit. When I did she was standing there with the clock in her hand looking at me, "I thought you were awake". Come on get up and get a bite to eat"

"I'd rather sleep another few minutes."

"Don't be daft, you need to eat."

"Have you?"

"Yes, I got something when I went out. Now get up, I've made some tea, there are a couple of sandwiches and some crisps"

I had to smile as it sounded so much like what her mom was probably doing for her dad about this time.

"what are you finding so funny, are you laughing at me?"

"no, not at all, I guess I'm just tired is all." "thanks for fixing this. I appreciate it"

"well I didn't do anything but take your money and go down to the shop and pick it up, eazy cheezy."

"foot feel better?"

"what?"

She looked at me as if she had no idea what I was talking about "where you kicked the chair"

"oh, that, it's fine."

I grabbed one of the sandwiches and the cup of tea she had fixed and leaned against the counter beside the sink. "well?"

"well?"

"do you want to talk about it?"

"not sure there is much to say"

"well for starts it's not everyday I have beautiful women,….friends, waiting outside my door at nearly eleven o'clock"

"oh, that" she looked down at the floor while I waited for her to go on. "I couldn't stay there any more….I had to get out"

It was a start, so I just waited.

"he wasn't happy with me…told me there were plenty of women who would be happy to take my place….."

"and?"

"I said, like the ones before me…"

"and then?"

"and then he hit me…..at first I couldn't believe he had done it, and then I could see the look in his eyes, it was like he was crazy, berserk…"

"how did you get away?"

"I was between him and the door, I ran out, down the stairs and outside. Fortunately I had just come back from some errands,

so I still had my coat on, and a little money in my pocket. Change, but enough for bus fare."

"so now you're here."

"for now."

"what do you want to do then? Do you have a job to go back to?"

"I not going back there"

"Ok. But I guess we need to get your stuff and bring it back."

"I can go get it myself"

"Do you think that's wise? …. He's struck you once….unfortunately I don't have any jurisdiction there, unless you want to press charges."

"no"

"well how about this….I've got to go to work now for a few hours. If you will stay here I will come home and we will work on finding you a place to stay. Tomorrow I will go with you and we will bring back your things.'

"and dad?"

"he doesn't have to know anything until you are ready to tell him and your mom."

She nodded her head and I thought I could glimpse a little tear forming in her eye.

I reached out and touched her on the shoulder as I went by "gotto go, I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Morse?"

"yes?"

"please be safe"

For some reason that simple phrase made me happier than I had ever expected.

The afternoon seemed to crawl by, reports had to be typed up, forms filled in. Lists of witnesses and potential witnesses to be interviewed arranged. And like last night I found myself distracted, apparently it was obvious to DI Thursday for at one point he walked up to my desk and in a tone loud enough for everyone around to hear said, "never figured you for a clock watcher, Morse." Perhaps he thought that I would be embarrassed by his comment, but he was wrong. Yes I was watching the clock but I had to admit it was exciting rather than embarrassing. Exciting to have a reason to go home for the first time in ages. As soon as we were released, I got up and started for the exit. Strange tried to delay me with the offer of a couple of pints at the pub, but I told him I had to get home. The only downside was I couldn't look at DI Thursday as I left, it seemed as if he were trying to read my mind.

When I got home and knocked on the door it didn't take Joan long to answer. She had set the telephone receiver down long enough to let me in. As soon as I got in the door she went back to it and resumed her conversation with whoever was on the line. Rather than interrupt her I hung my jacket up, and went and got a beer out of the refrigerator. By that time she had finished her conversation and was hanging up the phone.

"I hope you didn't mind if I used the phone"

"no, not at all"

"I was calling some of my old girlfriends, seeing if they knew of a place I could stay."

"and did they?"

"One or two possibilities, but it would be at least the first of the month. Maybe sharing a flat with a couple of girls I used to hang out with."

"the rent is paid here until the first of the month….I know its not much, but…"

"Morse, I couldn't do that. You're a good friend but….. do you understand?"

Unfortunately I did understand, only too well did I understand. "of course, I understand, but it may not really be a problem…I don't know if I have told you… I'm sure I haven't told you"

"Told me what Morse?"

"I haven't even told your father….."

"spit it out Morse"

"I've taken a job in London…, with the Met…it will mean my Sergeants"

She looked at me as if she didn't believe me at first. "oh, …..I see", There was nothing else to fill the deafening silence until she finally asked me in a voice which seemed to have just a hint of disappointment "why haven't you told Dad?"

"I was going to leave him a note. I just thought it would be easier"

She had no answer for that other than "when do you start?"

"Monday, 8 am"

"And where will you stay?"

"I'm going to get a room in a boarding house until I can do better"…"Maybe I can save enough money to get an apartment pretty soon"

"Is that what you really want to do?"

I couldn't face her when I answered her question, instead I found myself looking at the floor, "Bright was right, there isn't anything….there hasn't been anything in Oxford for a while to make me stay." When I looked up she was looking at me with the oddest look before nodding and looking away herself. "I see". So we just sat there in silence for a few minutes. Finally I got up and went to the window it was getting dark, so I asked her "why don't we go and get something to eat. My treat"

"ok. But somewhere quiet though, I feel like these clothes are becoming a second skin"

"don't worry you'll be fine. Tomorrow we can go get your things and bring them back."

"and Morse, I don't want to run into any of dad's or your,ah…..dad's friends, or your colleagues, ok?"

It took me a moment to understand what she meant. I could only mumble "sure, no problem."

Dinner at the pub we chose was a surprisingly subdued affair, conversation such as it was could best be described as forced. Each of us was finding themselves starting down a path that we probably didn't imagine a week ago. And I couldn't help but wonder was either one of us happy about it, although neither one of us was going to admit it. Since we were going to be traveling to pick up her things the next day, she suggested we call it an evening early. I only had about two pints, while she to my surprise had refrained from anything alcoholic, not even a shandy. Her explanation had been that with the stress of the last couple of days she just didn't fancy it. I really didn't think anything of it at the time, later I realized how naïve I had been.

When we returned to the flat, I expected the sleeping arrangements to be awkward, but surprisingly they weren't. She used the bathroom before going into the bedroom and shutting the door. I made do by pulling the two chairs together, wrapping up in a duvet and was soon asleep.

The next morning we got ready, ate breakfast at a little shop on the way to the train station, having agreed that the fewer people who knew what we were doing the better. We made the trip to Leamington largely in silence. Joan seemed to be lost in thought most of the time. The one time I had tried to draw her into a conversation she made some cryptic comment about how it was sometimes unwise to burn one's bridges. When I asked her did that mean she was having second thoughts, she told me "no, not at all, just that sometimes there are things we just have to live with. That we should always leave ourselves a way back."

At the same time I was preoccupied the job at the Met. Would I have taken it under the current circumstances? If she was coming back to Oxford did I really want to leave? The answer to that was as obvious to me as the scenery passing by the coach. But the die was cast, the offer had been accepted, I would be taking the evening train to London tomorrow. Starting a completely new life without the entanglements and complications which I had found in Oxford. And without her in my life, such as it was.

Collecting her things from the flat that Ray maintained for her was uneventful. She found the key above the doorway where it had been left explaining that "he locked me out once". I went in first, just in case he happened to be inside, but no, the place was empty. So I simply stood by as she gathered up all her possessions, placing them in the suitcases I had seen her take with her when she had left her parents' home months ago. When she finished, I picked them up and carried them into the hallway. She followed, stopping at the doorway to take one last look around. I noticed that there was a surprisingly wistful look on her face before she closed the door and replaced the key.

On the way down the stairway I foolishly had to mention "I'm glad he wasn't there, made things a bit easier." I wasn't prepared for her response, "probably at home with his wife." Somehow coming from her I found that gut-wrenching. I think at that moment I wanted to make it right for her. To hold her and tell something to make her feel better…But I had no idea how to do it.

The trip back to Oxford was if anything even quieter than the one from Oxford, each of us finding the scenery outside absolutely riveting. When we got back to the apartment, she was quick to take advantage of having her possessions back. She went into the bathroom where she took advantage of the opportunity for a bath and to put on clean clothes for the first time in days. I passed the time with a drink and reading the paper. When she emerged and I say her the first word that came to my mind was "radiant". She wasn't the beaten, bedraggled wretch that has turned up on my doorstep. This was the brilliant cocky young woman that I remembered from before the robbery.

And yet it wasn't. There was something just a little ….off….something different, and I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Why don't we go out and celebrate?"

"Is there something to celebrate?"

To my surprise she huffed a little laugh at that. ""Sure, I suppose we both are restarting our lives."…she must have seen the quizzical expression on my face. " Think about it tomorrow you leave for London, where you don't have all the baggage you've accumulated here."

"And you?"

"I'm BACK in Oxford, fresh from having failed in my attempt to restart my life."

"Feeling sorry for yourself isn't a good look on you…..why don't we go out and have celebrate the future? …..I warn you though with my money it won't be much of a celebration."

"well Morse, I know you don't realize this but I can be a cheap date if I want to be."

"I don't have any idea….."

"don't look so shocked Morse I was just teasing…. Why don't you change and we will go."

I have to admit she was a woman of her word. We had a really good time that night. Each of us knew a different level of places, almost like different cultures. And what surprised me most as the evening went along was that I didn't seem to feel the need to "put on airs" or try to impress here. On the contrary. I just let myself be pulled along with the current of the night. Like she was some maestro conducting an event. For a while I was worried about the money, but it became apparent that she did indeed know how to be "a cheap date".

It was gone two in the morning when I finally unlocked the door to the apartment. The apartment where I would be spending my last evening. We went inside, I turned on the lamp, she collapsed in one chair, and I the other. It was trite to say, but I had to say it. But I had to, "I had a great time, thank you." She had taken her shoes off and was rubbing her feet but paused long enough to reply, "thank you, sorry it had to end". On so many levels so was I.

It had been a long day and I started to get my duvet out ready for another neck cramping night. I had noticed she wasn't moving even though she had quit massaging her feet.

"Morse, what am I going to do?"

That simple question stopped me in my tracks. "hmm?"

"what am I going to do? I have no job, I've got no place to stay, my boyfriend is a married man who has made it perfectly clear that he's not going to leave his wife, and I'm ashamed to even talk to my parents."

I turned around to face her, just like I had been trained to do and asked "what do you want to do?"

She gave me a little laugh which bordered on hysteria and said, "that's a copper for you, a question for a question."

"Nevertheless, I'm serious, what do you want to do?" I had noticed the sniffles which were telltale sign that she was about to start crying. Funny how we had gone from elation a few minutes ago almost to tears.

"I need a place to stay, I need a job, I need money…..and, and.." she didn't seem to be able to go any further.

"well that doesn't seem SOOOOO bad."

"oh, come on Morse, tell me how it doesn't seem to be so bad", her voice steadily becoming higher as she went on. I needed to do something to calm her down.

"well think about it, all you have to do is make it to the first of the month and you can move in with some girlfriends, right?"

"….I guess so."

"come Monday you can start looking for a job, right? Maybe go back to the bank?"

"I'm NOT going back to that bank." I could see she was Fred Thursdays daughter, stubborn to the bone.

"ok, well somebody is hiring. Just have to find them."

"great, that just leaves that little thing called money."

"how much money is left from the tin after tonight?"

"not much."

"enough for my train fare to London?"

"probably"

"well I have a little bit in the bank, not much, but if you're careful, it might, MIGHT get you through until you get your first pay."

"I don't want your pity Morse!"

"It's not pity, it's an investment in the future of a friend."

"I can't take it.

"Don't be daft….listen its really late, let's call it a night. Things will look better in the morning." We stood up and she went to the bathroom while I collected her chair and aligned it with, the other one so that I could go to sleep when ready. She came back out of the bathroom, went into the bedroom then came right back out.

"there's one more thing Morse."

"yes?"

"I haven't had my period"

I couldn't believe what I had just heard, or quite understand what it meant. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Oh come on Morse you heard me. I haven't had my period"

"Oh that, well you've been under a lot of stress, tension, that's probably it"

She looked at me with a look as if to say, I've already thought of that one too, and its BS. But if you want to believe in a fairy tale I won't argue with you. "sure, maybe you're right." With that she went into the bedroom and closed the door. I turned off the light and tried to get to sleep, but it just wouldn't come. Sometime near dawn it finally did come, but not for long. I may have gotten an hour or so sleep and could do no more. I lay there with my eyes wide open thinking of what I need do on this, my last day in Oxford.

When I judged the time was right, I found the key, went out as quietly as I could and went down to the super's apartment. It took a little effort, but I was finally able to rouse him out of what had evidently been a better sleep than I had enjoyed. He took some convincing, at one time I had to pull out my warrant card and look at it in his presence, but I got him to agree to do nothing about the apartment until the first of the month. I reminded him that I had paid the rent and what I did with it was my concern, …unless of course he wanted to hear from my solicitor. I then returned to the apartment where Joan still had not risen.

By the time she finally got up I had tea made and some bread ready to be toasted. When she came out I could tell she hadn't done much in preparation, given the early hour we had gotten to bed it was entirely understandable. But with the light coming through the little window behind her she seemed beautiful to me. "I heard you go out earlier".

"sorry, I hope I didn't wake you, there was something I had to attend to."

"not police business on your last day in Oxford, surely"

"no nothing like that."

Obviously, she wasn't going to press the matter, so I took the key and laid it and an envelope beside her teacup. "what's this for?"

"I understand that this is far beneath you, and I so wish it was better. But the rent is paid through the end of the month. I have told the super that I was going to have someone look after my things until then and he agreed to it. As for the envelope, like I told you last night, this morning its an investment in a friends future." I wouldn't have been surprised if she had thrown both back in my face, instead she looked at me as if she was trying to put together a response that wouldn't hurt my feelings excessively. Before she could I went on, "I'm sorry but it's the best I can do" She just nodded and got up, went over and busied herself at the sink, washing her hands and face before returning to sit back down.

Our little brunch was conducted in silence afterwards. It seemed like neither one of us was really in a hurry to finish. Finally we couldn't delay it any longer, I got up and went towards the sink, she did likewise saying "I will wash the dishes." I handed her my few items and stood back. It was soon apparent that I was being ignored as she was totally engrossed with the warm soapy water. As bad as I am at reading people I could take a hint, so told her "I'm going to go get my things together."

The rest of the day we seemed to be ignoring each other, finding ways to be preoccupied. So conspicuous was that I'm sure that Ray Charles could have noticed the falseness. Finally it was time, I picked up my bag and started for the door. She put down one of my books which she had been pretending to read and stood up. I felt that the whole thing was so inadequate, so cheap on my part, I had to stop and tell her, " you know this was the best I could do don't you? I just hope you have a good life…you deserve it."…"and you know you don't have to do it, go back to your parents, they love you and miss you."

She looked at me and just nodded her head a couple of times. As I turned to walk away she stopped me with, "Morse.."

"yes?"

"I had a lovely time last night" and came over and gave me a peck on the cheek and turned away. It was embarrassing how good that made me feel. But I still turned and went up the steps.