Author Notes: For a prompt. Hello, friendly people.
Shake hands, kiss baby. Shake hands, kiss baby. Shake hands, kiss baby. Shake baby, kiss hands.
Wait. Wait. What?
Elsa looked up. The child's mother was staring. Elsa gave her baby a few more shakes, patted it on the head, and made gurgling noises at it.
"You have a lovely child here," said Elsa, shaking the child twice more. Smooth.
The mother smiled. Elsa quickly stepped away. She wiped her hands off on her dress, sighing slightly.
She waved her hands and the sea of guards parted. Elsa clapped her hands, and the doors swung open, ancient metal joints creaking with the strain. She would really have to replace them soon. Such doors were quite unseemly for a modern country like Arendelle. A guard stepped to her side and handed her a stack of papers and a canteen full of coffee. She idly walked her hands over them, clucking her tongue in disapproval. Stamp this, file this, fire whoever wrote that piece of drivel, arrest him, arrest her too, just for good measure, and...
Elsa ran, face-first, into a wall. Papers went flying everywhere, scattering like snowflakes. Elsa rubbed her nose, scowling a bit at the blood. Clearly, whoever put that wall there was an idiot. Elsa chuckled a bit at her joke, then put her hand over her mouth. She stood. Perhaps remodeling the palace was not the best idea. Now, where was she?
She was face to face with a door. That was a start. And...
Well.
Quite right. There was plenty of work to door. Elsa walked away.
Moments later, she came back. She reached her hand out towards the door. She brought it back again. Elsa took a deep breath.
She made a stress ball out of ice and squeezed it. She squeezed it again. She threw at the wall. It bounced back and hit her right in the face, knocking her over.
She should've known that would happen. Elsa coughed. Perhaps the door would just fall over. How old were they, anyways? Probably hundreds of years old. Was that a patch of mold on it? They had to be replaced. Yes, it all had to go. She twiddled her thumbs.
The door continued to stare at her. Elsa stared back. One of them would lose its patience sooner or later. Elsa was good at waiting. It was one of her many talents.
What would she even say? Sorry, I don't have anything for you, and I'm interrupting, but look! I'm bleeding. That's fun, right, bleeding? Maybe she'd get her another clock, real fast. There was a clock in the foyer, and technically, it wouldn't really be stealing. It was her clock, after all.
Maybe she'd try knocking again. Elsa laughed. It was a good joke. Maybe, if this whole queen thing didn't work out, she'd become a comedian.
She could kick the door down and quickly tacklehug Anna, but she wasn't very strong. And Anna might wonder why she was being tacklehugged. Still, it was a clever plan.
She could just curl up into a ball and lean her back against the door. Anna had to come out at some point. Logically sensible. Yes, she would do that.
She leaned against the door, and it fell open; Elsa lost her balance, stumbling right into a shelf, which promptly dumped its contents onto her face. Her entrance had disturbed a pleasant little cloud of plaster dust, and Elsa coughed.
Mission accomplished! Elsa did a little cheer before groggily running into a chair, which tipped over, putting her delicate derriere on the floor.
Anna wasn't even here.
Elsa stood and examined the room. Pink ribbons, a screen, vases, flowers, a sword, several shelves stacked with stuff, a cuckoo clock, a pony giving her a strange look, a framed family picture, a statue of nothing in particular, a desk, and, in the corner, a dollhouse. Elsa walked to the pony and gave it a pet. It whinnied and pinned its ears back. Elsa turned and walked to the dollhouse. It was...
Pink, mostly. But also hints of orange and green. Frilly. Very frilly. She tapped it. With a sigh, she yanked it open. Inside were two dolls. Elsa picked them up and held them in the light. They almost looked like her and Anna if they were the lumpy creations of toddlers.
Elsa held them tight. She breathed in their scent. They smelled like dust bunnies, but Elsa liked to pretend that was the smell of broken dreams. Or maybe failure. Elsa mashed the dolls together, making crude noises. Elsa shook both, making steam engine noises. "Quickly! Admiral Westergard's ironclads are gaining on us! All power to the engines," said Elsa.
"Elsa?"
Anna was in the doorway, holding a two foot chocolate bar.
Elsa turned, hiding the dolls behind her back. Anna gasped.
"I wasn't doing anything," said Elsa.
"Elsa! You're covered in blood! What happened?" asked Anna.
"I was doing paperwork," said Elsa.
"In my room?" asked Anna, eyebrow raised.
"Well, things happen, and very important government matters," said Elsa, waving her arms around vaguely.
The dolls were still in her hands. Right.
"Elsa... were you? Oh my gosh," said Anna, giggling, "you were playing with my dolls, weren't you?"
"No... yes," said Elsa.
"That's so ado-we should play together! Yeah, right now! The dollhouse could be the castle, oooh, and you could make scenery with your powers! And we could go on an adventure and fight monsters and tell stories and share chocolate and it would be fun!" said Anna.
Elsa's mouth dropped a little, and she stared. Anna patted Elsa on the back.
"We're going to have the coolest adventure EVER. Get it? Coolest! Cool-est. It's an ice pun!" said Anna.
Elsa nodded.
"Okay, okay, okay. How does this story start? Ummm... hmm. Maybe... oh, I know. I got this! Once upon a time, there was a beautiful kingdom in the deep north, a land covered in snow, subjected to an eternal winter. Life was hard, but the people there were strong. Most of all, they loved the royal family, who always ruled with justice and kindness. But the king wanted to help his people. He and the queen went away on a journey, searching for a way to break the curse on the land. They didn't come back. Everyone was very sad."
Anna set the two dolls by the dollhouse.
"The king and queen were gone, leaving their two daughters alone. But that was okay, because they had each other and loved each other very much. One sister was still sad, though. She had to be queen now, and it was very, very hard! She had to make hard decisions and sometimes people suffered. Her sister didn't know what to do, because these were smart people problems, and she wasn't nearly as smart as her sister. She only knew that she had promised her papa that she'd protect them both, and that was even more important now that her sister was queen!"
"The queen wanted nothing more than to be with her sister," said Elsa.
"But the days grew longer and the years slipped by, and it never happened. They both grew older. And, one day, a fearsome dragon descended on the palace, driven by chill winds from the far North. It was very scary, and... Ansa... panicked. But she regretted that, because when she went back her sister was gone. She knew she had broken her promise to Papa."
"It wasn't her fault," said Elsa.
"But it happened. And Ansa thought she was very stupid for letting such a bad thing happen to her sister. She stayed in her room and cried for many days. Finally, the regent came to her. He said that sometimes bad things happen, and all you can do is brush yourself and get back up again. So she did."
"She sounds very brave," said Elsa.
"No. She didn't have a choice. She had to save her sister. Life wasn't worth living without her. Ansa visited all the people in town. She visited the armorsmith and got a suit of armor that was shiny and silver and brighter than the sun. She visited the gunsmith and got a gun that could shoot all the way from the palace to the North Mountain! She visited the blacksmith and got a sword that could cut Death itself. The townsfolk had given her strong magic, and she was very grateful. But all the townsfolk wanted was their queen back. So the princess picked out the palace's strongest horse and set out...
Into the wilderness."
Elsa conjured up forests and mountains with her magic. Anna handed the Elsa doll to Elsa.
She gripped it and didn't let go.
Anna placed her doll at the start of the trail.
"It was cold. Bitterly cold. Colder than diving into a winter stream with a summer dress. Colder than pouring an entire bucket of ice cubes down someone's shirt at their birthday party. Ansa wished she had brought warmer clothes, even though she was wearing a thick gambeson and regular clothes under her armor. She rode deeper and deeper into the woods."
"Far away, Elna hoped her sister was safe," said Elsa.
"It didn't really matter if Ansa was safe. All that mattered was Elna. Ansa had to keep going, no matter what happened. She rode into the forest. Off in the distance, a wolf howled. Ansa's hands shook. Even though she told herself she wasn't scared, she really was."
"But she was strong," said Elsa.
"She hoped she was strong enough. The wilderness might be stronger. The howls got closer and closer. Ansa gripped her sword. She was very tense. The wolves came in sight. Ansa drew her sword and shouted at her horse. They had to stay brave! But the wolves just ran by."
"They were running from something," said Elsa.
Anna nodded. "That's right," said Anna.
Elsa was holding her doll so tightly that her knuckles were turning white.
"Ansa turned to watch the wolves run, then she turned back again. She started wondering what could scare all those wolves, but she soon got her answer. A giant roc dove at them! Ansa fired her gun, hitting it right between the eyes! But her horse was spooked and knocked Ansa off. It ran off, back towards the city. It was scary. Ansa couldn't blame him. She was scared too. But she had to keep going. Her sister was in danger. It was getting very dark now. The sun had set, and the cold was getting even worse."
"Luckily, the townsfolk had given Ansa plenty of supplies to camp with," said Elsa.
"Unfortunately, they were all on the horse," said Anna.
"She felt warmth coming from nearby," said Elsa.
"The early signs of hypothermia. She had to find shelter fast," said Anna.
Elsa put her hand on Anna's.
"Her sister was rooting for her," said Elsa.
Anna nodded.
"Ansa knew her sister was counting on her. So she ignored the warm feeling, because it was fake, and a lie, like a big jerkface prince, and headed north. She came across the mouth of a cave. There wasn't anything else around, so Ansa had to go inside. But there were things already living there. Creatures made of shadow and darkness. Everyone in town was scared of them. They always told ghost stories about them. But Ansa saw that they were just scared. She asked to stay with them. They agreed, but said it wasn't safe. They were being hunted. Ansa said that she would help them. She set out the next morning, looking for what was hunting the creatures. It was very bright, with all the light reflecting off the snow. In fact, it was even brighter than it should be. Ansa saw a man made out of fire and light. Even though she wasn't very smart-"
"She's smart enough," said Elsa.
"-she was still able to figure out that the light man was the creature the shadow things talked about. She went up to the light man. She explained that he was hurting the shadow things and asked him to stop. But the light man just laughed at her. He said that he wanted to hurt the shadow things because he was a big meanie. Ansa knew that they had to fight. She swiped at the light man, but he shrugged off the blow. Then the light man struck at Ansa's arm, breaking it. Ansa screamed-but didn't panic. She knew that she lost her sister by panicking."
"No one could have blamed her," said Elsa.
"She blamed herself. She shot at the light man, but it just went through. The light man sliced at her face. Her head swam. She coughed-it was blood coming up. She stabbed at him, but she only managed to burn her own hand. The light man punched her in the gut, and she coughed up more blood. She could barely see, couldn't even breathe. She doubled over, completely spent. She stared up, up into the endless blue and white sky, an expanse cold and endless as death itself."
"She still had a little bit of strength left."
"She remembered her sister. Up there, high in the sky, were two suns. And then Ansa realized that you can't kill light by fighting it. You have to stop the source. She slowly raised her gun towards the sky. Bang."
Anna stood up. Elsa jumped a bit. Anna walked, slowly, calmly, towards the windows. She shuttered them all, then closed the door.
"Then darkness took her."
"That can't be the end of the story, can it?" asked Elsa.
"Even when you have nothing else, you still have hope," said Anna. "There she was, swimming in darkness. It was all around her. She saw..."
"...I don't know," said Elsa.
"The void. Only the void. She let herself surrender to-"
"No, wait! Her parents. It was her parents," said Elsa.
"Who were still watching over both of them. They were very proud of their little girls. It was warm there, and really comfy, like a goose down bed. But it wasn't yet her time. Ansa remembered her promise to Papa. She had to go back. She woke up. The shadow things had dragged her back to their cave."
"They were taking care of her," said Elsa.
"But something was wrong. The cave seemed... hazy. She felt at her face. In place of one of her eyes was an eyepatch. She prepared to leave the shadow things. She had learned a valuable lesson from them. Even when you have nothing, you have hope. Ansa went back out into the wastes."
"Where would she go next?" asked Elsa.
"North. She went north. The sun had set again, but there was still light," said Anna.
"A crystal star had appeared in the sky," said Elsa.
"She followed it north. After a long time, she came to a canyon. The only bridge was guarded by a fearsome tro... Yeti. It was guarded by a fierce Yeti who gobbled up all the adventurers who had come before. Ansa approached the bridge. Before she could pass, she had to answer the Yeti's three questions. What goes on four legs at dawn, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?"
"Man," said Elsa.
"What is the tariff for non-malt liquors from Category 2 trade partners according to Section 7 of the 1795 Trade Regulations?" asked Anna.
"How did you-18%," said Elsa.
"I pay attention to what you say, Elsa," said Anna, smiling a little.
"And the last question?" asked Elsa.
"It was the spookiest question of all. It was even spookier than a skeleton. No one could ever answer it because it didn't have an answer, and so the Yeti gobbled them all up. What grows as you give it away?"
Elsa looked at Anna then shook her head.
"Ansa knew the answer. It was love. The Yeti moved to eat her, but it was the right answer, so he fell off the bridge, plummeting into the canyon. Ansa crossed the bridge, moving deeper into the snowfields. They seemed to stretch on forever. She kept walking and walking and walking and eventually looked back and saw nothing. She was surrounded by endless white. She was hungry too. All of her supplies were gone, and she hadn't eaten in days. She was getting weaker. Birds circled overhead."
"They were ravens, not vultures," said Elsa.
"It didn't matter. Ansa would be dead either way," said Ansa.
"Long ago, Ansa fed one of the ravens. It remembered," said Elsa.
"It came down and landed on Ansa. It said that it was grateful, and so it would help. It pointed the way forward using its beak. Ansa soon found a wolf pup. Its parents were apparently gone. It whined with hunger. Ansa picked it up and snuggled it. Ansa kept moving. Soon, she came across a deer, one very weak with some unknown illness. Ansa put it out of its misery-one quick gunshot. They ate well that night. When she awoke, she saw the very mountains shake."
"The mountains?" asked Elsa.
"That's right! All of the mountains began to shift. Ansa realized they were all part of the dragon, and that she was a little in over her head," said Anna.
"Nothing's too much for Ansa," said Elsa.
Anna blushed.
"It was going to be a long journey. And what was next for Ansa?" asked Anna.
Anna waited. The room was silent. Then Elsa spoke.
"A... a hydra. Twenty feet tall," she said, conjuring an ice statue of the monster.
"Twenty feet?" asked Anna.
"No, forty! With five heads," said Elsa.
"Make it seven!" said Anna.
"It had jaws that dripped acid and flaming blood," said Elsa.
"Its teeth were sharper than sabers and twice as long," said Anna.
"The hydra's scales were harder than steel and gleamed with a mysterious, unearthly light," said Elsa.
"A good fight!" said Anna.
Ansa was face to face with the beast. It was forty-no, fifty-perhaps a hundred feet tall, with a dozen heads, each snarling, their mouths dripping with acid, fuming with deadly poison clouds, filled to the brim with row upon row of razor teeth.
Ansa stared down each head and laughed.
"Know this, monster. I am Princess Ansa, Sunslayer, seeker of the Serpent which wraps around the world. You will not stop me," said Ansa.
The hydra snarled and hissed, spitting gobs of acid towards Ansa. She rolled to the side, dodging the acid, which splattered upon the earth, melting deep into the rock below. She walked towards the creature. Two of its heads lunged at her. She jumped out of the way, letting them crash into each other. She swung back at one, but her sword bounced harmlessly off the hydra's scales. She looked at the hydra again, eyes narrowed. Its heads slithered back to their resting place. They locked gazes. Ansa smirked.
The hydra struck again, rushing towards Ansa. She rolled under the head, then grabbed the neck, swinging herself up onto it. She was riding the hydra's head now. The hydra shook and thrashed, but Ansa refused to let go.
"Look there! The creature breathes through those slits," said Ansa's raven.
And, sure enough, poisonous gas was being spewed from gills on each head, the openings flaring with exertion. The beast was tiring. Ansa ran up the hydra's neck, heading right for a set of gills. The hydra twisted its head and slammed it into the permafrost, smashing Ansa into the frozen earth. She gasped, breath knocked completely out of her, but held on. It tried to bite Ansa, but Ansa moved quickly, and the hydra only succeeded in biting its own neck. Ansa plunged her sword into the head's gills. It shuddered. Then acid spewed out of its mouth and through its wound, melting away the hydra's scales, momentarily revealing snakeskin below, before that dissolved as well, the head melting away into a bubbling mess of black-red muscle and boiling fat. Ansa ran quickly, jumping off the hydra into a nearby snowbank. The hydra's head twitched and spasmed as it died, screaming a high-pitched scream, running into other heads, coating them with its bile-acid-flesh mixture, killing them in turn. Cracks appeared in the hydra and spread along its body. Skin and meat peeled away and dissolved into burning puddles of acid, leaving bare bone. Its blood ignited, charring the flesh and melting maggot-like chunks of fat into puddles, which, in turn, were soon consumed by hungry flames. The acid burned down through the earth, cutting effortlessly through permafrost and bedrock. Soon, only a crater filled with silver-gray bones and calcified sapphire remained. The hydra was dead.
Ansa looked out, towards the horizon. What she saw astonished her.
"Elsa... it's beautiful," said Anna.
Elsa smiled weakly, magic streaming from her fingertips.
The room was now lit by multicolored floating shards of ice. Spread out across the floor were entire kingdoms rendered in miniature. In one, she saw tiny underfolk hammering away at clockwork designs, a single tower reaching, claw-like, up into the sky, its sides covered with turning gears and transparent pipes, with some sort of black substance being pumped up from the earth. An army of the dead prowled the west, their rot modeled down to the little worms crawling through holes in their skin. Ogres hooted and chanted around blazing "fires", their shamans beating war songs on their drums, screaming human faces staring back from the drumheads. Golden-skinned men with ruby eyes patrolled a glittering crystal desert atop horned hippos. Writhing vine masses tended caravans of spiders, the spiders laden heavy with trade goods. Atop a snow-topped mountain, several rocs tended their eggs, occasionally crowing in delight. Starfish men prowled the jungles, spears ready to strike down man or beast. Floating above everything was a living castle, the ice of it perfectly imitating undulating flesh, with eyes, mouths, and tentacles occasionally emerging to interact with the outside world.
"How'd you do all of this?" asked Anna.
"It's not so hard. It's a lot like making snowgies, actually. Just a bit more detail added. No big deal," said Elsa.
Anna kept staring, her mouth agape.
"Well? What are you waiting for? We have an adventure to go on," said Elsa.
"Yeah... yeah! Let's go!" said Anna.
The raven taught Ansa the art of hunting and surviving the wild. She wandered the land. Ansa met the underfolk and bargained with them for passage through the Lost Catacombs. She slew an army of the dead, burning their leader into dust with the radiance of her armor. She marched through the Crystal Desert, claiming the heart of the Great Sandfrog as a prize. She fed her wolf pup, who grew strong, and was soon the size of three lesser wolves-a worthy replacement to her horse. She tamed the waters of the river Salunguut, diverting its course into a desert, turning it into farmland. She taught the Living Castle to speak, learning many secrets from it. She toured with the spider caravans of the Plantmen, exploring the depths of the Hidden Jungle. For seven years and seven months, Ansa explored the Northern kingdoms.
And, at last, she was ready to brave the dragon's lair.
"The entrance is blocked by a massive stone. Ansa isn't strong enough to move it herself," said Elsa.
"But she and her wolf can," said Anna.
"The rock shifts. It's dark inside," said Elsa.
"I-Ansa leaves the wolf and raven behind. She has to do this alone. She enters the dragon's lair," said Anna.
"A Yeti warlord confronts Ansa," said Elsa.
"She runs him through with her Moonlight Spear," says Anna.
"Arrow traps!"
"Blocked with her Wormskin shield."
"A giant mosquito screeches in the distance."
"She shoots it."
"That was her last bullet."
"I know."
"All Ansa has left is her sword. Ahead is the dragon's treasure room."
"She enters. She tosses her sword to the side."
"What?" said Elsa.
"She doesn't need it," said Anna. She dropped her doll.
"The dragon rushes forward," said Elsa.
"Elna. I know you're here. I know what you are. I love you anyways," said Anna, touching Elsa's face.
Elsa blushed and dropped her doll.
The pony wandered over and ate both the dolls.
"Anna! Your dolls!" said Elsa, gasping.
"I don't need them anymore. I have the real you right here," said Anna.
Author Notes: And then they invaded Sweden killed everyone above age 15 salted the fields burned the crops mined out all the copper paved over stockholm with wig factories
and lived happily ever after
the end
