It's funny how life turns out. I KNOW that is a cliche. But you gotta believe me. This is just too funny. I mean, I'm back in Lawndale High tutoring kids over the summer instead of being forced into whatever plans my mother concocted. My first year of college had just ended and I was finally getting into my own. Jane and I were still friends, and we also happened upon some other not-so-brain dead people who were cool to talk to. Humanity was not lost after all. And then there was my sister...
"Daria, is that you?" Dear god, it's Mr.O'Neal. Maybe if I stand still by the lockers he'll assume me a statue and move on. Crap, he's moving TOWARD me.
"No. I'm her clone created to restore pride to the Morgandorffer clan by murdering its offenders." He chuckles.
"Oh, but you did so well in school Miss Valedictorian!" he smiles before lowering his head for his patented air-out-of-tires sigh. "Oh...right...your sister."
"If you say so."
"How DO YOU feel about that situation Daria?" His faces blotches over a little, and I get that familiar rush of control. I forgot how easy it was to make him nervous, and boy...what a past time. If I let him hang a little longer I might crack a smile. But only if I feel like it. I don't want to give him any reason to Dr. Phil me.
"It was only a matter of time really. I'm sure if Joey didn't knock her up, one the other two J-birds would have. But..." I sigh, suddenly feeling off, "I guess...in some twisted way I DO feel horrible. I mean..."
"Yes..." Mr.O'Neal leans in close like a dog on bonies, and even though I don't WANT confide in this inner city version of Mr. Rogers, I ALSO don't want to go through the whole summer without telling SOMEONE my fucked up feelings. And I don't think Jane could take it.
"Ok. Let's be clear here. THIS is a one time thing. Afterwards you'll go back to your tissue-take parade and I'll go back to reaffirming my solid belief that the empty headed shouldn't leave their products of faux love to the already overcrowded and underfunded school system, got it?"
"Ok."
"I usually would have loved this. In fact, I have often hoped her never-ending stupidity would finally realize itself for my own personal amusement. But now that it has, I don't feel like grabbing the popcorn bag. Instead I feel sad for her. Sure, she was going to go to a party school, but at least it was A school!. At least it was a chance for her to break free of that shallow shell and dive into the deep end of life. Now she'll have to wither away what little skills she has to support a child that will no doubt grow up to be unhappy. All the while Joey doing nothing more than perfecting his beer gut and team cheers. Her small world view is crashing down on her. It sucks. And... um..." I sigh, blushing pure red, "I used to admire her lack of inhibitions, the same lack that got her in trouble. And I'm afraid that this event has caused me to further question the real importance of human relationships besides friends. If one night can get Quin tied to that football ram for life, whom could I get tethered to? Tom? Trent? A man whose family THINKS I can't measure up to them or a man who I KNOW can't measure up to anything? And say I take the safe route and make it like priest all my life. Am I doomed to be the old librarian in the back who has lived her life in books while the rest of the world's reading level falls behind first grade? What then?"
Mr. O'Neal starts to sweat, huge drums of salty water sliding down his damp face.
"Well, I...at least you...I..." before I know it he bursts out in trembling sobs, his hands shaking madly as he fishes for his custom made "It's OK to Cry!" handkerchief. He babbles and blubbers, each word more inaudible then his last.
"Um...There there?"
la-la-la-LA-la!
