From the very moment that I was born into this heavily walled and corrupted world my fate had already been decided for me. Like I was some sort of prized pet up for auction in some sort this twisted game that we for some reason call life. I was... nothing more the a tool for my father to line his own pockets with anyway. At a young age I would be bartered and sold off to some rich old noblemen who has already had many children as well as many wives. I was no pearl in my own father's hand.
Even as my mother was laying there on the bed, unable to move and slowly dying because of what the strain of my birth had done to her. He took me away from her searching hands. She had been unable to hold me or to even so much as to speak to my father about my future because she had Thanatos sitting at the edge of her bed and moving to gently and regretfully close her eyes, knowing he could not take her with him to the Underworld to be reborn. She... my mother had no say what so ever in the dealings of my life with her far older husband who just left her to die as she fought to cling onto her fading life and possible even for me to make sure I would have some motherly comfort, and he walked straight out the door and left her without a second glance back at her. Just as she was withering and gagging on the bed that was still wet with the difficult time of it... he didn't care.
And we say that the titans are the monsters. How I wish I could show them all the truth. But just maybe that wish might come much more quickly than they think.
There is a grave for her now that sits upon the forever fresh earth of the mansion's grounds. It is nestled besides countless other ones. But unlike the others that are unnamed and are quickly filled with the biggest body parts that Annie and the other can find, it has headstone engraved with a name and it is empty, filled with nothing but dirt and a daughter's tears, and maybe a son in law's humble forgiveness for endangering her daughter. What there is in the other graves rest the pieces of human body parts and sometimes full bodies that had once belonged to the people who the government threw over the wall innocent simply for wanting to bring a new age of prosperity to humanity. Be it over intelligent scholars just about to scrape the truth their government hid from them or simply people wanting to improve humanity for the better. All of us here have no doubt that Kyklo was treated the way he was by them because they did not want humanity to think that their was any hope that they could survive outside of the wall. I have never been so terrified of the human race since that day, not even when I had first seen a titan when my father and brother and I were looking over the top of Wall Maria.
We... sometimes find their would be weapons next to them, they are all too broken and beyond any use by then. When Angel came here he tried his hardest to fix them as best as his skill as a weapons master can permit. But all of it is to no avail. I find it amazing that he was able to create the Three diminution Maneuvering Gear with minimal injury to his person. But we all know that his mother's unmarked grave must sit somewhere upon this land as well. They are all of them unmarked because Annie and the rest are not sure whose body they are burying in the dirt for they are sometimes unrecognizable and too small in count.
I remember that when I had first started living at their Hometown I used to think that Annie and the other warriors were strange since they buried the body parts of their sworn enemies upon the land where the Goddess once lived, but not anymore. They were all of them good and well-meaning people who died horribly slow deaths caused upon them by the brigade, and maybe my own family. There aren't just graves here either. In a locked room on the third story that faces the sun there lies many people in deep comas. Be it ones who tried to escape by a makeshift hollow box tied to a balloon or a couple who went out beyond the walls, or for a darker reason even still. Ones who have all been sold as sex slaves in the underground black market of Lady Sina's namesake. Asians, who have somehow broken through their captors chains and their cages. However they could not escape the pain and anguish that has been done to their bodies for what seems like decades under uncaring eyes. And they soon collapse dead in their tracks out of the sight of the Legion to be found and taken back by up. There is a couple in here that have started murmuring in their sleep. I have no doubt that they are saying their son's name and thinking of him back in the walls. I know they have not been sold in the Underground market for the child's mother has the most brightly colored blonde hair I have ever seen, it looks almost like gold when the sun sines in through the window. Not one of them have become titans yet so I have hope for them when they wake up...
I honestly do not know why Bertholdt still calls it their hometown since in reality it is just one large and beautifully built mansion sitting in a clearing where the Grey Castle once stood next to a large flowing river like stream and surrounded on all sides by a forest of giant trees that is covered by eternal fog. The clearing where it sits is about half a mile away from a tall mountain where all the water source is found. At its peak it is where a shrine was built by the shifters for no other reason other then it suites Carlos' taste in difference. I find it beautiful as well. Kyklo and I spent many a long hour under the shade of its cheery blossoms together when we were not training. I was told that it is a Japanese shrine made for their gods and goddess'.
As of yet not one from the walls not even the Scouting Legion has found it. They can't anyway for the walkway up to it is hidden by the raging water fall and guarded on all sides by titans. That is not to say that that is the only peaceful spot in the area. Titans do not come into the clearing unless they are told, usually to help with the cleaning no one wants to do, and if they did they would be quickly dealt with. A sand garden and many regular gardens dot the surrounding area and under the shade of many cheery trees planted years ago a pond filled with what I am told are Koyfish that swim around in fresh water eager for crumbs that we throw in when we pass them by. Here it could be easy to be lulled to sleep and forget where you really are when you lay down on the grass listen to the sound of the water gently going by. But not fully, for there are still remnants of the old way that still haunt the ground. Blood stained grass and a pair of unmovable hands that have all but attached themselves to the unchanging earth.
I also know that when I first came here I was scared. If not for Kyklo I know that a pathetic girl like me from the inner Wall of Sina would not be able to survive out here since I was not taught how to defend myself properly. I had a knife yes, but I would drop it the instant I saw something creep along a shadowy wall. As a nobleman's daughter I was taught to simply sit quietly and knit and rear many children. When I was young I used to think this was how all there was to life. It was later when I began to think that this wasn't just a father wanting to protect his daughter just that he did not see me as a human being at all, just some sort of pet for them to order around. Kyklo... he was the only one at my time in the walls who fully saw me for a human and one who was filled with feelings and emotion like him. Strange to think that the one everyone thought to be a Titan's child was really more human than the rest of them, even me. When I first met him I... was going to kill him because of what I thought he was. The child of "Humanities" natural enemy, Titans. His mother, sicken with grief over the death of her husband had been part of a group that had opened the gate and let a titan into the city... at the time she had been heavily pregnant with him and he had somehow survived and was quickly taken away to be kept in a cage and treated like some sort of exotic animal, but should a child have to pay for its mother's crime?
I was taught how to fight and how to hold a sword by Annie and the others. If only because laziness is not permitted here and one must always keep a sharp mind about them even when nothing is really going on. I don't really know how she was able to stand my winning and complaining for as long as she did for even someone like her should have given up on me. I was happy for it none the less. I was so happy that they considered me one of than enough to train me. Kyklo had often told me that I have much more strength then I realize and that it was I who really helped him through his the times when he was locked in by my brother's constant abuse to him.
I remembered that when the day was over with my body was usually covered with bruises and small scraps, but since they were not that serious they did not heal right away. I talk about my wound healing up quickly because... I have become the very thing I used to fear, a titan. But mine is different for I am a warrior but not a true one like Annie and Carlos are. When a human becomes a titan and if they are not strong of mind and know the truth of their world then they become brainless and look like what they truly are within. Mine looks similarly to Annie's only... different. Kyklo does not care at all how I look but he tells me that when I am one I resemble my human form greatly.
My body has become like that of one of them as well and I am glad for it. Glad that I do not have to worry about a man sneaking into my room at the dead of night, an old worry that used to haunt me since childhood thanks to that time when Shabii had talked about how a woman next to us had been... misused. Neither do I have to worry about cramps, or even the danger of childbirth. Don't look at me like that. You have no right to tell me what I should look like or what I should do with my person. I do not have to have a child with Kyklo to know that we are truly happy together or the vain hope that as long as my stomach it large he will always come back to me. Our bond is something more than just sexual. It is a deep friendship deeper then the depth of the ocean. I have always thought that humans who take pride in their... size are disgusting and shallow and have taken it too far by saying a woman is only... bed-able if they have a large chest.
Do not think that I am just a silly girl who is making all of this up to bring about sympathy. I've heard them, all of them. The Military Police and Noblemen talking quite delightfully out in the open about who they will have tonight when they clearly have a wife heavy with child at home that needs them, and besides Carlos tells me that the titans were molded after what the gods look like. albeit much less dignified than them. Hypocrites. They take pleasure in killing them and yet its second nature to them to take one and not think twice about it.
There are times when I would find myself staring up at the portraits of The Goddess, Maria and Sina Moto whose picture my eyes are soon fixed upon, soon my eyes fall on the four symbol on her left hand that is folded neatly in front of her person. And I wonder how such a girl who looks so girlish could possibly be the one who carries the remanning power of the Goddess inside her. Carlos had said that they taught her how to fight but I have heard only so much that a drunken Military Policemen won't think twice about it, however I do not wish to speak ill of the long and forever dead.
I have grown in my time here and I am happy, with Kyklo. Now however I am told that we must search for Carlos who has been gone more than a day in the walls. I have no qualms about this.
