A/N Though I am aware that I should be updating my other story, this was just something that wouldn't let me go. It's much darker from what I usually write and I'm pretty excited about uploading it. T rated for now, considering M-rated for later. Warning: Contains cursing.
Disclaimer: I love them, don't own them unfortunately.
''It was that moment that I realized...
I fucked up.
Another low-grade, I'm really close to losing my scholar ship and my dream of becoming a lawyer.
I've always seen myself as a failure, someone who could do better, but won't succeed no matter how hard I try. And the pressure? Don't get me started. ''Of course you can do it, it's you!'' What if I can't? Will you still see me the same way? No, you won't. Because I'm not the person that you thought I was. You shouldn't be thinking about things like that, you should know me. And I'm not sure if any of you really know me. I'm sick and tired of pretending to be someone I'm not.
I'm not smart, not above the average. I'm not pretty, I don't go noticed, but don't worry, I like it that way. I'm not sexy, at all. I'm just me.
I'm not enough. I'm never enough.
So why can't I just disappear? Make all the problems go away? Like a freaking cloud blocking out the sun. It's there for a while, but the next minute you'll look for it, but it's just gone. You can't recognize it anymore and you can't track back to where it was before. Why can't I be that cloud?
Friends? What's that? Oh, people who care about you? Nah, those all left too. Can you imagine actually caring for someone who is in trouble? Someone doesn't care if she wakes up the next day? That moment when you've actually reached the point of not caring. That's when it get's dangerous.
This sounds stupid really, but it makes so much sense in my head.
I'm not quit sure how long I can take this any more.
But then again, who cares?''
XXXXXXXXXX
She slammed the notebook shut and threw it on the ground next to her bed. Another night without sleep was on the agenda and she just couldn't help it but hope that it would be different today. At least her dad had come home without being drunk tonight and how sad as it may sound, she was pretty thankful for that fact.
She turned around, trying to find a spot in her bed that wasn't cold.
Groaning she collected the notebook once again and flipped it open on the first page. Maybe reading some of the older stuff would help her through the night. Those nights when she was still happy, when she could write about her first kiss or because of some boy she just met or simply because she had a nice day. Not trying to suppress her feelings because her mom had been stabbed in a dark alley.
She choked back a sob, even though it happened a couple of months ago, the whole thing was still fresh on her mind.
And she wasn't sure if she would ever 'get over it', like some people had told her to do. It was her mother after all.
The tears where now silently making their way down her face and she hoped, unfortunately not for the first time, that she just wouldn't wake up in the morning.
But she did wake up that morning, she should have gone back to campus the previous day, but it her dad had drunk uncontrollably the last few weeks. And she was slowly losing him. So instead of sulking around campus, she went back home in the weekend to check up on him. Or at least clean the house a bit, since he wasn't in any state to do anything.
He'd barely came out of the house any more, just moving himself to the bar a block away from their house and back home again. Jim Beckett had become an alcoholic and there was nothing Kate could do about it. Of course, they'd had their fights, but he never remembered them when he was sober anyway. She did.
After taking several buses and walking a couple of miles, she finally found herself near her destination. She would've taken the car, well, if it worked. It was still at the shop when she came home late Friday afternoon. Luckily, Kate didn't mind walking, it helped her clear her mind.
She walked by her regular coffee shop, just a block away from campus and made her way in. She recognized one of her classmates as the barista and she smiled at him. He didn't even look ashamed that he was doing it. Poor guy had the night shift again.
He handed her, her order and she made her way outside again. Lazily sipping on her coffee, Kate was slowly starting to wake up properly. Nothing like a bit of caffeine in the morning with a blue berry muffin as breakfast. She wasn't really hungry, so a small breakfast should do the trick.
Only two classes for today, one two-hour lecture and then a regular hour discussing how far everyone was on their group projects. She silently cursed herself as she realized that her laptop was still in her dorm room, she'd forgotten to take it with her before going home that weekend. Meaning, that she didn't have the assignment with her. Or finished. At all.
The people in her class only had a vague idea of what had happened, she just didn't talk when she didn't have to. She didn't have any real friend in college and she couldn't care any less. That coming from the person who takes everything personally. She chuckled to herself, why even bother?
She made her way over to the main entrance and walked a way too familiar route. Soon she was at the hall and people were making their way inside the room. She went for her familiar seat in the back of the room, not far enough to be invisible and not far enough for the professor to start whining that she wouldn't be able to hear him back there. You'd think the teachers in high school are bad, just wait till college.
She fished out a notepad from her bag and started taking notes. Only two more hours, she told herself as the professor started talking about famous murder cases. Yes, just what she needed. She sat back in her chair and waved a hand through her hair, hoping that the day would be over soon.
A long two hours later, she found herself outside again, on her way to her dorm. She was kind of friends with her roommate. At least she knew when to shut up when Kate wanted to be alone and she appreciated that. She'd asked if Kate wanted to come to a party with her several months ago but Kate had turned her down. After a couple of times, she'd just stopped asking.
She let herself fall on her bed, finally getting some decent rest. She checked her phone and set the alarm for three o'clock, just in time for her next class. Even before she had her phone secured on her nightstand, she'd fallen in a blissful sleep without any nightmares interrupting her.
XXXXXXXXXX
He made his way over to the back rows, where it was crowded, as usual. Even though he wasn't really looking for any social contact at the moment, he saw some people that he needed to talk with and decided that he should just suck it up and get it over. He let himself fall in the chair as he greeted a couple of guys in the row behind him.
Rick dropped his backpack on the floor and threw his coat on the empty chair next to him. It was only then he noticed the dark red notebook lying on the floor. He looked around, but no one seemed to be looking for it, or was close enough to could have dropped it right then. He picked it up and checked the first page for a name. Nothing there, too bad. He was going to leave it right there, he was going to, really. But then he started reading the first page.
He realized quick enough that this book meant something real to someone and he wanted to give it back to this person. The professor entered the room and the class went silent. Rick closed the book and put it in his backpack.
He grabbed the coffee cup from the corner of his small desk and took a gulp, since one does not simply survive a class by Smith without any caffeine. Even though he was paying attention, he couldn't help it but wonder whose notebook it was. He'd always liked a good mystery.
XXXXXXXXXX
After she'd barely made it on time to her project group, Kate was done for the day. She decided to get some groceries at a local store and picked up her pizza on her way home.
She dropped her bags next to her bed and let herself fall on the covers, setting the pizza down next to her. Making herself comfortable, she opened the box, letting the delicious smell fill her nostrils. It was only then her roommate turned around and was surprised to see Kate there. She removed her headphones and set back in her chair.
''You got pizza? Without me? You're a horrible person Kate Beckett.''
''Don't I know it.'' Kate replied, sticking a slice in her mouth.
''I have a coke, trade for a slice?''
''Only for you Maddie.''
''Alright!'' Madison threw the can Kate's way, who was only just be able to catch it, and then quickly made her way over to Kate, sitting down next to her and taking a slice out of the box. ''So anything new happening with you?''
''Nah, still the same boring me.'' She mumbled. ''How about you? Did you get that Sean guy?''
''Do you even know me?'' Madison said between bites. ''Of course I hooked up with Sean. Have you seen his abs?''
''No Madison, I haven't.'' She said laughing.
''Well, anyway, there's a party tonight at James house a couple of blocks from here. You coming with me? A little girls gone wild tonight?''
''I think I'll stay in, but thanks.''
''Okay, I'll see you tonight.'' Maddie gave Kate a quick hug and then proceeded to grab her things, before locking the door behind her and leaving Kate alone in the room. Kate quietly finished the rest of the pizza, not bothering to put any music on.
She lifted her bag from the floor, putting it down next to her, in search for her notebook. But it wasn't there. She started pulling out all objects out of the bag, but without success. The notebook was gone. Fuck.
XXXXXXXXXX
''Hey Rodgers, you coming?'' Rick looked up to find his roommate staring at him immediately hid the notebook under a nearby pillow.
''Nah sorry, I have some things that I need to do.''
''It's a shame, James is throwing a party.'' He waited in the door frame for a couple of seconds before he realized that he wasn't going to get Rick out of his room. It was the glare that did it. ''Alright, see you later bro.''
Rick hummed and waited for Mark to leave the room. He then proceeded to reach for the notebook from under his pillow, searching for the page he'd left off earlier before he got interrupted by his roommate.
Living on campus was great, really, but privacy was something that was rare. He'd never cared about it actually, he wasn't that private person... that people were aware of. His image always got the best of him and he wasn't quite sure there was actually someone out that knew him.
Pushing the thoughts away, he started reading again.
He'd come across some poems, about being heartbroken. Maybe a bad break-up? And there were some other letters to several people, mostly why this person liked them and what they meant to this person.
The person writing had to be a girl, that he was sure of. The font gave it away, she didn't just use dot's on top of the i, instead she used a small circle to finish it off, making her own style.
He smiled and turned the page, hoping to find another, well, beautiful poem. Whoever wrote this, certainly put much thought into it. Maybe it was just to blow of steam, or maybe it was just because she liked it. It wasn't until he read the more recent works, he knew it was recent, because she had written the date on the corner of the page.
Murder. Dark nights. Nightmares. Sleepless nights.
He had to swallow. Something horrible must have happened to her.
But then again, who cares?
He read the sentence again and he realized that he cared. Even though he didn't know this woman, he needed to help her. More determined than before, he started at the beginning of the notebook again, hoping that he'd overlooked a clue that might lead him to her.
XXXXXXXXXX
While he had several classes for Tuesday he was happy to find some distraction in the notebook he was holding securely in his hand. He'd decided to skip all classes, simply because he knew they wouldn't be of use and... he wanted to find out who the owner of the little red book was.
After a quick stop at the coffee shop, Rick made his way over to the park. He found an empty bench near the lake and settled down. It was nice weather today and he'd decided to leave his coat at home, his sweater would do for now. He took in his surroundings and fished the book out of his pocket and continued reading.
He saw a girl walking up to him from a distance, he wasn't sure if she was going to sit next to him, or simply walk by. It was only when he looked up and properly looked at the girl that he realized that he'd forgotten how to breathe. Her long brown locks, casually falling over her shoulder-
She sat down next to him and he gave her a smile. She returned it, much to his surprise. He was just going to introduce himself when she went bright red and stood up from the bench as if it had burned her.
''Where did you get that?'' She snapped, getting angrier by the second. Kate snatched the book out of his hand and hid it in her bag.
''I'm sorry- Is this yours?'' He said calmly, pointing to the book.
''You have no right to read what's in there.'' She tried to even out her breathing. ''Where did you get it?'' She repeated.
''You must have lost it. I'm willing to bet that it happened after your lecture finished, you know, when you grabbed your bag, it must have fallen out in the rush. I found it the hour after it.'' She was still looking accusingly at him. ''I was hoping to find your name or maybe some kind of information to find the owner. But it looks like you found it yourself.'' He explained with a kind smile on his face.
''I can't believe you read it.'' She sat back down on the couch and put her elbows on her knees, trying to stop herself from hyperventilating. He sat a bit closer to her, hoping that it would help her.
''Listen, I want to help.'' He said softly.
''Don't they all.'' She mumbled before gathering her things, closing her bag once again. He reached out for her, but she quickly pulled her arm away. ''Don't touch me.''
''I read it and I wish I could just- I want to help you.'' He couldn't explain what he was feeling, the words were a mess in his brain. She was starting to pull away again and Rick was sure that she felt cornered. ''Can I at least know your name?'' He tried.
Kate wiped away an angry tear from her eye. ''It's Kate.''
''Richard Rodgers, but you can call me Rick, nice to meet you.'' He gave her his kindest smile and Kate almost felt like crying again. Why did this guy have to be so nice? ''I want to give you my number, you know, just in case you ever feel like talking. Or maybe grab a cup of coffee, maybe dinner, whatever you want. And I don't care about what you want to talk, Kate, I don't care if it's about unicorns or what you ate last night. Please just call me.''
She nodded. ''I'll call.''
Those were her last words before she stood up and walked away again. It felt surreal to him, that such a beautiful girl like this hid such dark secrets. He genuinely felt sorry for her, hoping to relief some of the pain, but he couldn't. She promised to call him, that she did.
And yet, he couldn't help it but feeling like she'd walked out of his life forever.
A/N: One shot or multiple chapters? You guys decide. I would love to hear from you.
