Henry Haught was a father. It was January 5 and his wife, Camille, started having contractions early that morning. They drove in nervous silence to the hospital. They had done this once before, and the baby that came then was a stillborn. Henry had been nervous wreck the entire pregnancy and now that it was happening, he didn't have words of reassurance for his wife as they drove. The delivery was uncomplicated as far as twin births went, and when he heard their tiny screams for the first time, there were tears in his eyes. A boy and a girl, perfect tiny creatures that squirmed and cried and slept.
The ten-year old Nicole stood, hands on her hips with an indignant look on her face. It was a battle of wills, who would give in? Her twin brother Danny was nearby, supporting her by standing up to their father. "Why can't she play?"
"Girls don't play sports. That's why." His voice was firm. Both kids let out exasperated sighs and retreated to their bedroom.
"It's not fair, you are way better than me at baseball," Danny lamented once they were behind the closed door.
Nicole's face broke into a mischievous grin. "I have an idea. We could trade places. Tomorrow's game. After Dad brings us to the field I'll go to play at the park. He never watches me once the game starts. You use the bathroom, I'll double back and meet you there and we'll trade clothes. As long as you stay out of sight until the game is over, he won't notice a thing!"
"Uh, aren't you forgetting something? The coach will know. Plus you have long hair, that's going to be kind of noticeable." Danny chewed on his lip, a trait they both shared.
"The hair is easy, I can braid it and pin it up so it can tuck under the hat. As far as Coach P. he loves me. Plus I've heard him say he wishes I would play on the team, as long as he doesn't tell Dad I think it would be okay."
Danny nodded in agreement, "alright, let's try it." Nicole's face broke out in a huge smile. She couldn't wait for tomorrow.
Saturday morning. Game day. Nicole was giddy with her excitement. Their plan had worked. The clothes swap went off without a hitch, and when Nicole showed up in the dugout it took a few minutes before Coach P. realized Danny was actually his sister. He agreed to keep their secret.
The game was fantastic. Nicole scored on her first at bat and she could hear her dad cheering loudly. Halfway through the game, she grabbed a fly ball to end the inning. In the final inning, she stole home base for the winning run. She was walking on clouds as she ran to the bathroom to meet Danny and switch back into her clothes.
She eased the door open, making sure it was empty before going in. "Danny! We won!" There was no answer and she peeked around the corner past the urinals to check for him. No sign of him at all. He was supposed to be here before she got done shaking hands with the other team so they could make the switch fast. She furrowed an eyebrow and cracked the door to see if he was just running late. Still no Danny, but she saw a huge group of parents running towards the playground. Nicole started getting worried and slipped out of the bathroom to see what was going on. When she reached the edge of the sand, she saw her father cradling Danny in his arms. There was blood - a lot of blood - seeping out of his head. There was a kid standing awkwardly close, gaze flitting between Danny and her dad, and his own father who was scowling with arms crossed.
Nicole inched closer, the kid's face was marked with dirt, it looked like he was crying, then tried wiping the tears with a dirty hand. She heard him saying "it was an accident, I swear I didn't push him." Tears appeared in Nicole's eyes, and a tightness in her chest. She vaguely heard sirens as the ambulance drove up and parked on the grass next to the park.
Everything became a blur. She watched as they took Danny from her dad and laid him on a stretcher, his neck in a brace so he couldn't move. Her father wordlessly grabbed her shirt and pulled her into the ambulance doors to ride to the hospital. The hospital was busy, doctors and nurses rushing past as she sat on one of the hard chairs. She knew she was crying only from the teardrops that kept falling on the dirt-covered baseball pants she was still wearing, but she felt completely numb.
At some point her mother came in and fretted over the sleeping boy in the hospital bed before a nurse waved her away. Nicole stared at the IV bag, slowly dripping away. Eventually the chaos calmed down. The windows darkened as night fell.
Nicole had fallen asleep in the chair and was being shaken awake gently. "Nicole, your brother is asking for you." Her eyes shot open and she wiped the drool from her mouth. The nurse that was in front of her smiled at her kindly, but sadly. "Your parents are discussing options with our lead doctor right now." The nurse helped her to her feet.
Nicole made her way to the bed, staring at the IV lines and the neck brace. "Hey sis," her brother croaked out. Nicole's lip trembled slightly at the harsh sound. "I … I don't think it is looking great," he stopped suddenly, the monitors that were attached beeping rapidly. The nurse quickly punched a few buttons and adjusted the medication flowing into him. Danny's eyes fluttered as he struggled to keep them open. "One thing. Please promise … one thing."
"Of course, anything for you," her eyes were heavy with tears that were about to spill over, but Nicole stared into Danny's eyes, she never wanted to forget this moment.
"Always, no matter what, be yourself." The tears that were waiting to flow, did. The nurse had already grabbed a tissue and handed it to the girl. She had tears in her own eyes as she patted Danny's hand gently. He inhaled shakily, and continued, "you have the biggest heart of everyone I know. Don't let anyone break that. Don't break, Nicole. I love you and I always will." His eyes sparkled brightly, though the bags underneath and his sallow face didn't match them. His eyes closed from exhaustion and she leaned down and hugged him, careful of the tubes that surround him. She heard a slight gasp of pain, but he managed to take one of her hands and squeeze it weakly.
"I love you, too," she whispered, but he didn't respond. She stroked his cheek with her thumb and kissed his forehead. The monitors started beeping again and the nurse told Nicole to sit down as she paged the doctor.
Moments later the doctor and both her parents were rushing in. Nicole curled up in the uncomfortable chair and put the baseball cap on, lowering it down trying to block out the urgency that was suddenly taking over the room. She heard the word 'surgery' and more doctors piled into the room. The sides of the hospital bed were raised as they prepared to wheel him down to the operating room. She heard sudden thudding and peeked out of her hat in enough time to see Danny's body thrashing violently.
"He's seizing! Push .03 of diazepam." There was a scurry of activity as the staff worked to stop the seizure, the wild beeping of the machines was making Nicole feel anxious and curl up tighter. The seizure controlled, they wheeled the bed down the hallway, her parents following it down and leaving their daughter in the now eerily quiet room. She fell into a restless sleep filled with bad dreams.
Nicole barely woke when her father carried her to the car and they drove home. She woke up hours later in her bed. She stared across the room at her brother's empty bed and fought back tears. Maybe he wasn't gone. Maybe her parents decided she should go home to rest. She got out of bed and sought out her parents. Only her dad was home. He sat on the couch in the living room, staring at the blank TV screen. "D-dad? How is Danny?" Her wide eyes looked at him, dreading the answer.
He turned to her, taking a drink from a short glass he was holding, the ice cubes clinking as he set it back down. His mouth opened, but it closed right away. Instead, he shook his head sadly. His eyes were dry, but his body looked tired. She turned to go back to her room when she heard him clear his throat. "This. This is on you, Nicole." His voice was just above a whisper and Nicole felt the back of her neck prickle with a sudden coolness. She didn't respond and continued to her room to sob into her pillow.
She must have cried herself to sleep, because she woke up to her mother bringing a tray of food to her. Nicole only then realized she hadn't eaten anything since the day before. Her stomach rumbled at the smell, but the act of eating was a chore as she brought spoonfuls of soup to her mouth and forced each one down. She was thankful she didn't have to chew anything, she didn't know if she had the energy. Her mother watched silently, and once Nicole was done she sat on the bed next to her and put a hand on her daughter's leg. "How are you feeling, Nicole?" The voice was gentle, almost fragile sounding.
Nicole considered telling her mother what her father said to her, but decided against it. It was the grief talking earlier, it had to have been. It didn't help that she already felt guilty, like it was her fault. Maybe her dad was right after all. Danny would still be here if she hadn't taken his place for the game. Her shoulders shook and she realized she was crying again. Her mom put an arm around Nicole, holding her tightly. She couldn't verbalize an answer, so she just allowed herself to cry in her mom's safe arms.
Days passed and the Haught family was getting used to their new normal. Friends and neighbors kept a stream of home cooked meals delivered to them. Communication between the three of them got difficult because no one knew what to say to each other anymore. Nicole didn't have her twin brother to talk with, play with, or just be with. Each night before she fell asleep, she would repeat his last words to her exactly as he had said them: "Always, no matter what, be yourself. You have the biggest heart of everyone I know. Don't let anyone break that. Don't break, Nicole. I love you and I always will." Sometimes she cried, sometimes she didn't. The first few weeks after his passing she cried every time she whispered his words to herself at night.
The days were cooling off now, and school was starting. Nicole spent fifth grade mostly in a state of shock. Her parents made her see a therapist, but she barely remembered a single session of it. It was spring when Nicole noticed the change in her father. Each of them had changed in their own way, and Henry had turned to drinking to cope with the loss of his son. Usually he would have a glass of scotch, or rum, or whatever he was in the mood for and then pass out. Sometimes he wouldn't make it to his room and Nicole would wake up to find him still on the couch. She hardly talked to him, since he was usually avoiding her. Their eyes rarely met, and their conversations were always short and to the point.
The young Haught learned to adapt to her new dad. One afternoon she found a baseball sign-up flyer on the floor at school. No, it wasn't baseball. It was a brand-new girls' softball team. Her heart raced and she started to get excited for the first time in a long time. When she got home she threw her backpack down and found her father on the couch. He was home sick from work that day, though the cause of his illness was one too many drinks. "Dad! Can I join this new team?" she blurted out at him, shoving the flyer under his nose.
Instead of sharing in her excitement, he stared at the piece of paper silently. He finally looked up at her, his eyes cold and unblinking. "This shit is what destroyed our family," to make his point, he tore the paper in half, then in half again. He crumpled the pieces up and threw them at his daughter. "Get the fuck out of my sight before I make it happen myself," he turned away from her.
Nicole was shocked, hurt, and dismayed all at once. She had hoped he'd find some joy in her new excitement and possible happiness. Instead, she got berated and threatened. With a huff she stormed off to her room.
She avoided her father. Most times he opened his mouth to speak to her was only to tease her and make her feel bad about herself. She stopped listening to him and concentrated harder on school. Her mother didn't see it, or chose not to care. Nicole didn't want to bring it up, because he saw the pain her mother was in constantly. She realized he was doing it to her, too. She didn't know how to talk with her mother, so she didn't talk at all.
It had been a year now. The three of them gathered at the cemetery, on the grassy hill where Danny's body was put to rest. They each said a prayer before going home. Henry had been drinking all day. Both Nicole and Camille tried to stay busy and out of his way. Evening fell, and Camille retired to the master bedroom. Henry stayed up for his nightcap. Nicole was making her way to her room, when she was suddenly blocked by her father standing in the hallway. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
She blinked at him, "What?"
"You heard me. What should you be saying right now?" Nicole was puzzled, and before she could answer, a hard fist connected with her shoulder. The sudden force spun her around as she stumbled to the floor. She stayed there, mouth agape. Her father had never laid a hand on her. She was now used to his hurtful words, which she tried to counter by her nightly ritual recalling Danny's words to her. Apparently her silence was too long, and she heard the slap of his hand across her face before it started to sting her cheek. "The correct response was 'I'm sorry' Nicole. Now, you say it."
"I'm-I'm sorry," she sputtered, still on the floor. She crawled away from him, into her room and shut the door. She leaned against it, and heard her father approach her room and pause outside her door. She held her breath, but his footsteps continued down the hall, into his bedroom and the door clicked shut. She crawled into bed, rubbing her cheek as her tears washed over her face. "Don't break, Nicole. Don't let anyone break you," she whispered to herself before repeating the phrase that was ingrained in her memory from the beginning.
The weeks and months passed by. Henry didn't often get physical, but she learned to expect it around their birthday, holidays, and of course his death anniversary. Eventually, her mother left him. She suspected he had started hitting her, but she never said anything. Nicole started building up resentment towards her mother for leaving her with her father. Then she blamed herself: if only she had said something, or if only Danny hadn't died, or maybe if only she did better in school her mother would have stayed.
Nicole received an occasional letter, or phone call, and usually gifts on her birthday and Christmas. There was no legal divorce, and no custody case opened. She buried herself in school, and joined the junior track team. Joining track was one of the few joys she had. It was unfortunate that she had to join in secret, but she had saved the money her mother would send and forged her parent/guardian's signature on the forms that needed to be turned in in order to join the team. It was the first time she felt like she belonged somewhere. She opened up and made friends on the team and she felt like her true self was starting to peek out behind the dark clouds that had surrounded her for the past couple of years since her brother's death.
