The King's Cross station seemed exactly the same. Some people were running around, trying to find their trains and carrying their luggage with exertion. Others spent the last moments before their journeys saying goodbyes to their friends or families, with tears filling their eyes or sad smiles gracing their features. Just as some people had to part with their close ones, there were also people, who clearly returned to their town, as nothing but satisfaction and relief could be spotted on their faces.
Hermione didn't think she could fit into any of those groups. She couldn't say that she was sad; a part of her felt slightly uneasy, but she was far from bursting into tears. Happiness didn't seem to describe her mood as well, as no matter how hard she tried to smile, she simply couldn't.
Going back to Hogwarts for her final year should have felt nice, exhilarating even. There was nothing she loved more than delving into that magical world full of mysteries and things that would seem like a dream come true to that little girl, who kept spending her nights gazing into the stars, wishing she could simply live her life like a fairy tale. Things had changed so much during this entire time that Hermione could barely believe she had once been able to simply dream about fairies and magic. Her life turned out to be much more complicated and grim than she had always hoped it to be. That fact made her shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other as she stood in front of the entrance to the platform 9 and ¾.
Everything seemed exactly the same as two years ago, but she knew that things couldn't be more different. Two years ago she had entered the platform without even a trace of hesitation, knowing that her friends counted on her, especially in those dark times everyone was facing. Today, most of her problems were gone, as the war had ended, leaving her free to live her life like she had always wanted to; yet, she couldn't help but to feel awkward, out of place even.
What would she feel after she got back to Hogwarts? Would she be able to walk its halls and corridors as if nothing ever happened? As if she hadn't seen her dead friends lying on the cool, stone floors without even a trace of life in their hollowed eyes? What would it be like to live in a room without Lavender in it? She had so many questions that kept roaming around her mind, not letting her cross that magical barrier between two worlds. The only way she could learn the answer to each and every one of them was to move forward and be brave one more time in her life.
With a sigh, she looked around and took a couple of steps forward, dragging her luggage along. In a matter of seconds, she had found herself on another platform, that looked quite similar to the previous one and yet was completely different. Her heart thumped against her chest, once she spotted the famous Hogwarts Express, which stood on the railway tracks, with thick steam escaping one of its chimneys. The train was clearly ready to go. She just had to hop onto it and head out on yet another journey.
"You're blocking the way." A cold voice forced her to come back to reality and she spun around, finding herself face to face with her nemesis.
Draco Malfoy didn't change all that much; he was still tall and lean, his features full of the aristocratic grace that she had learned to hate over the years. He wore a look full of superiority, making her insides twitch with anger, resentment and… disappointment. There wasn't anyone in the wizarding world, who didn't know about his process. People talked about it for weeks, even after he got acquitted. Some believed that he had truly been innocent of being a full blown Death Eater, some claimed that he had found a way to trick the Wizengamot.
Hermione didn't know what to think. She had much more important things on her mind, than spending her free time dwelling on Malfoy's innocence. She had to find her parents, while trying to maintain a healthy relationship with Ronald. Honestly, she couldn't tell which one of those things proved to be more difficult, but she knew, that worrying about Malfoy hadn't been that important in comparison. Still, seeing him with that exact same expression he had been wearing all this time made her feel incredibly disappointed.
"Granger? Are your legs made out of wood?" the boy asked and Hermione realised that his acquittal really didn't change him even one bit.
"I'm just surprised to see you, Ferret," she answered dryly and stepped to the side, allowing him to walk past her.
Malfoy offered her a glare, but didn't move even an inch. Instead, he smirked at her and said:
"I didn't have much of a choice. Apparently, you cannot walk around breaking the Ministerial laws and to my huge dismay, we were all forced to redo our last year. I assumed you might have heard something about it."
Hermione gritted her teeth, as she realised that he may have been one of the reasons for her doubts regarding going back to school. She had had enough of his insults and mean tricks. Sure, she had gotten used to them over the years, but it didn't mean she liked them. She wasn't crazy, after all.
"Of course I have, Malfoy. I just wanted to say that getting used to not seeing your face was probably the easiest thing I've done my entire life."
"Vice versa, Granger. The only difference is, I'm actually pleasant to look at."
With that, he swept past her and left her fuming with anger. Oh, how she wished she could have just wiped that stupid smirk off of his face… She knew, though, that he was probably waiting for it, as it would undoubtedly get her into troubles and she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of ruining her school year even before it had fully started.
Hermione looked around, trying to spot any of her friends, but she didn't count on finding them here so early. She had known all too well that both Harry and Ron liked to sleep in, when they had a chance. Quidditch was literally the only thing that could have gotten them to get up early in the morning. Quidditch and… and war.
She scowled at her own thoughts and decided that standing in the middle of a crowded platform wasn't a good idea. Especially not when her mind kept returning to those memories that haunted her dreams so often, making her stick out like a sore thumb in a crowd of cheerful, hopeful people. Hermione grabbed her luggage and began to make way towards the train.
It took her several minutes to find an empty compartment, but when she finally did, she settled into one of the seats with a sigh of pleasure. Over the years, she had gotten used to all the stares she gathered wherever she went, but today they seemed different. She was a war heroine and everyone knew that. It didn't matter that most of those people had known her for the last couple of years. She was now titled and it managed to erase everything else about her, like she had become an entirely different person, someone better.
The reality felt much more bitter than that. Hermione wasn't better, not by any means. She was broken, just like every other war hero. It almost felt as if life continued without her. The memories of the battle had forced her to stay rooted in her past, while everyone else moved forward, exploring all the new possibilities that the world offered.
Absentmindedly, she caressed her forearm and felt the rough edges of every single letter that created her scar. Even though she was wearing a long-sleeve shirt, she could still make out every line, every little nodule covering her skin. Erasing everything that happened simply wasn't possible. Not for her, not for the Weasleys, who had lost their son, not for little Teddy Lupin, who had to grow up without his parents.
Her grim thoughts had to be put aside, as the door to her compartment opened and Hermione got pulled into a fierce hug.
"Hermione!" Ginny squealed happily, choking her with force of at least dozen people.
"I can't breathe," she choked out in response and her redheaded friend stepped back, smiling brilliantly.
"Sorry. I'm just so happy to see you! You have no idea how much I missed having someone to talk to during this summer. Ron drove me crazy."
Hermione fought the urge to scowl at the mention of her boyfriend's name. Merlin knew that Ginny wasn't the only one who had troubles communicating with him at a decent level.
"He kept staring at me and Harry with a grim look, whenever we were together. And I don't mean snogging… Seriously, Harry couldn't even hold my hand, because Ronald started to act like a baboon!"
Oh, how she missed hearing that constant babbling coming out of Ginny's mouth. Hermione often wondered how was it even possible to talk so much in such a short amount of time. She had a theory that the only reason why Ginny was able to pull it off, was because no one told her that it simply wasn't possible.
"I know that he was sad and angry, because he couldn't be with you, but it doesn't give him the right to act like a lord and master," she said and caught Hermione's gaze, blushing slightly. "Oh… I'm sorry, 'Mione. I'm just so excited…"
The brunette smiled with amusement and shrugged.
"It's okay, Gin. Listening about Ronald's scandalous behaviour makes me weirdly satisfied," she sighed and her friend plopped down onto the seat with an apologetic expression.
"Maybe now things will get better, you know? Being in a long-distanced relationship is not easy, after all."
Hermione looked out the window and her gaze immediately landed on a boy with red hair, who was standing next to another familiar figure. She smiled, seeing her best friends and for the first time today, she started to feel like maybe going back to school wouldn't be so bad.
She turned to Ginny and nodded her head.
"You're probably right. We've liked each other for such a long time… We have to at least try to make things work."
Ginny reciprocated her smile, although Hermione thought she didn't look completely convinced. Nonetheless, there was no point in talking about her relationship with Ron. Not when said boy was about to enter the train and join them in their compartment.
A couple of minutes later, the door opened again, and this time, no one pulled her into a hug. Hermione couldn't help but to grin like crazy, as soon as her eyes landed on the two boys who had entered the compartment.
Harry had never looked better. He was grinning widely, his whole body relaxed and confident, posing a strong contradiction to that awkward, shy boy she had met seven years ago. Her friend didn't seem annoyed or bothered by all the stares he must have gathered on his way here. He wasn't a child anymore and that made her feel incredibly proud.
Ron on the other hand… Hermione expected their meeting to be awkward and judging by her boyfriend's expression, she had every right to think that. When he entered the compartment, he was smiling with satisfaction, probably at all the attention he was now earning. It took only a second for his smile to falter, as his gaze landed on her silhouette. His ears grew red and hot, as he tried to find the courage to face her yet again. Hermione felt a spike of hope, as she realised that the boy standing in front of her was exactly like the one she remembered. Exactly like the one she… loved.
"Hermione, it's so good to see you!" Harry broke the silence and walked up to her, embracing her lightly and surprising her with his boldness.
She hugged him back, but her gaze never left Ronald's face. What was she supposed to do now? Should she be the one to initiate their contact? Harry let go of her and offered her another brilliant smile, that managed to calm her nerves a bit.
"Um… Yeah, hi, Hermione," Ron managed to say, while Ginny tried to keep a straight face at her brother's obvious abashment.
"Hello, Ronald," she said and bit her lip, unable to decide whether she should make the first move to greet him properly.
Finally, she took a step forward and hugged him, feeling utterly ridiculous when he patted her back with such a force, like she was made out of concrete. That wasn't awkward at all, she thought to herself and tried to smile, when Ron stepped back and quickly shuffled away towards one of the seats.
She caught Ginny's look and scowled almost invisibly, noticing sheer amusement in her eyes. Okay, so maybe her relationship with Ronald would need a little more work, than she had hoped for. It didn't mean that they were doomed, did it?
"How was your summer, Hermione?" Harry asked, not giving her any more time to think about her love life.
His question seemed quite normal to everyone not familiar with Hermione's plans, but she knew what he had really meant. Did you find your parents?
"I… Well, it wasn't that bad. It took me a while, but I've found them," she said noncommittally and averted her gaze to the window.
She knew that there was no way for her to get out of this conversation, but it didn't mean she had to enjoy it. Talking about her parents was painful. Some people hated their families, some people grew up without it, but Hermione's parents had always been perfect. They would do anything to save their only daughter, but… They were Muggles. They couldn't have saved her from the evil that she was forced to face. She had to save them. And she did. In the only way she knew how; by simply taking their memories of her away from them. She had made sure they were going to be happy, travelling around Australia, their dream destination. She had made sure they would love and support each other, no matter what obstacles may have occurred on their journey. But still… She had taken away that one single thing they loved the most –their daughter.
When she had found them and reversed the effects of the spell, things started to go wrong. It took hours of explaining everything to them, only so they could forgive her. And they did. They were wonderful people, who loved her. But just as she didn't have to like talking about them, so too they didn't have to understand her.
There was nothing worse than seeing fear in her parents' eyes, when they were looking at her. She was still their daughter, but… Since when had she the power to take their life away in a blink of an eye? If she could do that, what else escaped their knowledge? They didn't have to voice their concerns out loud. Hermione knew them all too well.
It hurt. Like a hundreds of knives puncturing her heart over and over, until there was nothing left. Knowing that the people who were always there for her resented a part of her felt horrible. But it also led her to a very important conclusion; sometimes love simply wasn't enough.
"They are fine," she said after a moment of silence, swallowing the tears that threatened to escape her eyes. "Everything's fine."
She didn't count on fooling her friends into believing she had actually meant her words, but they seemed to respect her need to keep things to herself for now. The hell they had gone through together made their friendship so strong, that they didn't have to question each other's choices. Or at least so she thought.
"If you found them, why didn't you say anything?" Ron asked and she looked at him with surprise. "For the past month, you've hardly been writing to any of us. Why?"
Judging by the look and Ginny's face, Ronald's question felt equally tactless for her, as it did for Hermione. Harry seemed slightly uneasy, as he stared at the door with a great interest.
"Maybe she wanted to spend some time with her parents, you dunderhead?" Ginny hissed and Ron offered her a glare.
"Fine, but writing a letter doesn't take long, yeah? Don't you think we deserved to know what was happening with her?"
Ronald definitely hadn't changed even one bit over the entire summer. Hermione wanted to jinx him, just for being so insensitive and oblivious.
"For you information, Ronald, I was too busy fixing my family. Turns out, erasing your parents' memories is kind of a big deal, you know?" she spat angrily and averted her gaze towards the window.
She didn't have to look at him to know that his ears got red once again, as he must have realised his mistake. He could be stupid sometimes, but he wasn't completely clueless.
"Sorry," he finally muttered. "I just… Well, we're your friends. And things were tough for us too."
Hermione knew what he meant. Fred's death hurt her as well and it took her weeks to get herself together, but she couldn't even imagine what it must have felt like to lose your brother. Frankly speaking, she didn't want to imagine that.
Suddenly, her own problems seemed to fade away, as Hermione looked at Ron with sadness in her eyes.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, it's just… We all had to deal with a lot of stuff. And there's no perfect way to do it."
Everyone nodded in agreement, as silence enveloped their compartment. Her grim mood seemed to transfer onto her friends like the worst kind of a disease and she wanted to scold herself for being unable to at least pretend to be happy. She should have done it for their sakes. No one needed another reason to worry and relive the past over and over. No one wanted to do it.
Life wasn't going to wait for any of them and she was the only one who struggled to accept that. She still had to try, though. Even if it felt completely impossible to simply let go. Even if letting go seemed like a betrayal, like the biggest injustice in the entire world. So many people didn't get the chance to keep on living. But she did. And throwing that chance away didn't seem fair either.
"Nothing can be perfect after everything that's happened," Harry finally said in a quiet tone filled with bitterness. "We just have to accept it. That's what we wanted, right?"
No one wanted the nightmares, no one wanted the pain and grief and that's exactly what they got. But they wanted to be able to try and live their lives without a shadow of death looming over them at all times. And they got it as well. With sweat and blood, and tears, but they got it, even if it felt like a defeat.
"Yes, Harry. That's what we wanted," Hermione said and smiled softly, but her eyes stayed as haunted as before.
