This is a sequel to Aftermath, which was a very short episode tag to 5x16. Aftermath tells you a lot about Lisbon's state of mind at the beginning of this piece, but it is not necessary to read that first. This can stand alone and will be a multi-chapter story which I plan to update weekly. While I may occasionally give you Jane's point of view, this is primarily Lisbon's story so I will focus mostly on her thoughts and feelings.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Mentalist. This is just fan fiction.
Two weeks had passed since Lorelei shot Jason Lenin and disappeared. They passed rather quietly and uneventfully. Jane had stayed holed up in his attic for the most part, only venturing down when summoned or for the occasional cup of tea. The cases they got were fairly straightforward, which limited the necessity of them spending much time together. He had shown little inclination to seek Lisbon out, and that was just fine with her. She was still trying to figure out how to navigate in this new reality she suddenly found herself in. While she was slowly coming to terms with the realization that she was in love with Jane, she didn't feel quite steady on her feet yet.
She had done a lot of thinking since she discovered her feelings. Strategizing to come up with ways to keep them from impacting her job was a priority for her now. When she looked back at the events since Jane broke Lorelei out of prison, she realized that some changes need to be made. His reckless pursuit of Red John had gotten a security guard shot. It had put Rigsby in danger. It even made her an accomplice to murder. Going back even further, she had to wonder if her feelings had played a role in Jane talking her into faking her death after his six month Vegas stint. She hoped not, but she couldn't be sure. That decision indirectly led to the death of Luther Wainwright. While she and Wainwright had never been friends, he was a good man and dedicated to the CBI. He did not deserve to die the way that he did, just like Agent Darcy didn't deserve a mental breakdown.
Regardless of her feelings for Jane, and regardless of her desire to be supportive and help him find closure, her first priority had to be to protect her team and the public. That was her job. She was Senior Special Agent Teresa Lisbon, Head of the Serious Crimes Unit of the CBI, not some love struck schoolgirl. She would make the changes that needed to be made.
She would no longer be a doormat. She hated to admit it, but she now realized that was exactly what she had become. The fact that Jane actually laughed when she gave him an ultimatum showed her that Jane realized it as well, and had likely known it for a very long time. That was bad…very, very bad. He knew that there were no consequences for his actions. He just assumed now that she would cover for him no matter what he did. She had done it so many times before that he no longer seriously doubted her.
Oh, he would act contrite and apologize occasionally when his behavior was especially bad. If she was really pissed, he would be on his best behavior for a few days and go out of his way to bring her coffee and other treats. But the second she forgave him, he would be right back to his old tricks. She was startled to realize that she was like an abused woman who kept going back to her abusive husband after each beating, believing in his tearful apologies and declarations of love and promises that things would be different going forward. She had always felt so sorry for those women, but at the same time she couldn't understand why they just didn't leave. Now she understood. Jane's abuse might not be physical, but it was abuse all the same. It was an abuse of her trust and her feelings. She would not play his victim any longer.
Lisbon felt a page of guilt for a moment. She felt like she was abandoning a friend in his hour of need. Jane had been through so much, and she could only imagine the grief and rage and guilt that must be trapped inside him. And she herself had some experience with the disappointment of coming so close so many times to catching Red John, only to see things fall apart at the end. That disappointment must be even worse for him.
Just as she felt herself softening towards him, yet again, she remembered him saying Lorelei must have had a good reason for torturing her victim. He actually condoned torture! That firmed her resolution right back up. She wouldn't let herself even speculate about whether or not Jane had taken part in torturing Jason Lenin before Lorelei shot him. She didn't bother to ask him, partly because she wasn't sure she wanted to know and partly because she didn't trust him to tell her the truth.
While she hated to admit defeat and really didn't want to acknowledge that she might not be able to save Jane from himself, recent events forced her to see the situation for what it was. It was time to admit that Jane might not be savable. No matter what she did, how hard she tried, how supportive she was, the bottom line was that Jane had to want to be saved. If he wanted to save himself, she would be there for him ready and willing to help, but she would no longer be an enabler on his path to destruction. She might not be able to prevent him from coming to a bad end, but she was damn well going to try to prevent him from taking anybody else down with him.
She had played along with Jane's little games for too long. She could never win. He had set the rules to favor his unique talents. Lisbon's only choice was to quit playing his game and force him to instead play by her rules. Lisbon was under no illusions that this would be easy. It was a battle on two fronts. She needed to find a way to counteract both his manipulation and her own instincts to take care of him. She knew she couldn't just turn her feelings off – at least not immediately. In the short-term she needed coping strategies. She needed her best poker face. She needed to rely on cold hard logic and put any feelings aside.
Maybe she should try locking her Jane feelings in a special room in her memory palace. She did have one, of course – how could she possibly resist trying to build one considering how often Jane raved about his own? However, far from being a palace, hers often seemed more like a cramped two bedroom house in one of the seedier neighborhoods of Sacramento. It was a little run down and disorganized, and she often had trouble finding what she was looking for. But no matter, she would clean it up and undertake some renovations. The attic seemed the appropriate place to lock up her Jane feelings. She couldn't help smiling at the thought.
In the longer term, ah, well that was a little harder: she needed to find a way to get rid of these unwanted feelings altogether and fall out of love. She had to clean out that attic and throw the unwanted boxes in the trash. It might not be easy, but she had never let a difficult challenge deter her before. She fell in love with Patrick Jane, so now she would just have to fall out of love with him. If anyone would have told her ten years ago that she would one day be in love with him, she would have laughed in their face and said it was impossible. If she had already done the impossible, then reversing the impossible should be a little easier…at least she hoped. What's done is done and beating herself up about it wouldn't help anything. What she had to do now was work on a plan. It might seem to be a difficult task to do on her own, but luckily Jane himself seemed eager to help her. His cold and calculating behavior was aiding her in her new resolution whether he realized it or not.
When the call came, she was ready for it. In fact, it had seemed almost inevitable. Lorelei Martin's death wasn't a shock. Red John had demonstrated many times in the past how he dealt with threats, and Lorelei had announced in no uncertain terms that she was no longer his friend. Lisbon wasn't at all surprised that Red John got to her before she could get to him. He was the master, after all, and she merely one of his many acolytes. She was sure that he had a few tricks up his sleeve that he had not yet made his eager young apprentice privy to. She hadn't been sure how Jane would react, and she had steeled herself for the worst. She had prepared herself for possibly seeing tears, or rage, or visible signs of the grief and pain that would result from once again losing a woman he had feelings for to Red John. Instead she got the one reaction she hadn't expected: indifference.
She didn't expect the resigned coldness of his words as he walked away. "She had it coming." Lisbon didn't disagree, but then she wasn't Lorelei's lover. The fact that two weeks after admitting he had feeling for the woman, Jane could react in such a dispassionate way chilled Lisbon to the bone. It seemed that now that Lorelei was no longer of any use to him, Jane's feelings just melted away. Like they never existed at all.
Was this really the man that she had fallen in love with? Had he been this cold uncaring creature all along? Was this always what had been hidden under the charming mask he displayed to the world, or was this what the decade long search for vengeance had turned him into. Lisbon supposed it didn't really matter. The end result was the same. And her heart hardened just a little bit towards him as she got a glimpse of the Patrick Jane behind the million dollar smile. She mentally put a padlock on the door to her memory palace attic. He hadn't destroyed her love yet, but it was a great step in the right direction.
Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all. Maybe observing Jane closely, as he had taught her to observe others, would do the trick over time. Maybe if she didn't let herself get distracted by his big smiles and boyish antics and remained focused on seeing behind the mask, Jane would do all the work for her by revealing himself little by little. All she had to do was pay attention. For the first time in weeks, Lisbon felt optimistic.
