Disclaimer – SM owns Twilight. Gone Into Oblivion owns this plot. This story is inspired by 'Only Love is Real' by Brian Weiss.
Acknowledging –
Sunflower Fran for making this readable and clear,
Jdifrans1 for offering support and insight throughout.
A/N – Ask away any queries.
Chapter – 1
A way that leads towards You
Suffering is a gift; in it is the hidden mercy. The cure for pain is in the pain ~ Rumi
Rumi once said, 'a wound is the place where the light enters you.' This held true for those who had the eyes to see. There was no such thing as regret. Everything was a realization to be grasped, a lesson to be learned. The demons inside people were not actually a curse. They always had something to say. They contained experiences from past, the unresolved issues which threatened to suffocate. If only people listened to them instead of listing them as 'bad' or 'good'. The past may be long forgotten or consciously remembered. Buried or alive. Recent or ancient. The demons never left people until they give it permission to do so.
Bella Swan was a beautiful woman, Carlisle noted, as she giggled at a joke he made about the past lives. He was recanting his wariness of camera flashes, and he quipped that in 1904, in America, someone had thrown a classic Kodak camera at his head, thereby killing him. She had a delightful laugh; it lit upher whole face. The reason it was a rare sight was because she had a habit of giving fake, polite smiles. It was a bit painful to watch. It reminded him of his receptionist, Lauren Mallory and his assistant, Maggie.
"I guess I shouldn't say 'you should laugh more often' because you already do. I'm assuming that you don't laugh genuinely enough. When you do, though, it's a sight to behold."
She smiled. It was a little wistful, "Poetic much, doc? I guess things don't feel funny anymore."
He leaned forwardon his desk, intrigued. "What do you mean?"
She sighed, "My life has been such a mess for a long while. I'm tired all the time; nothing is interesting, let alone funny."
Now he was getting somewhere, "You don't seem asthough you get impressed easily."
She threw him a wry smile, "Or so I've been told. But what did you mean by that genuine laughter thing? Does that mean me giving fake smile is that obvious?"
Smart.
"Sorry to be blunt, but yes. I wonder why you feel the need to fake a smile, though. Is it because you don't want people to become aware of your truest emotions?"
"Maybe, or because I don't have any other expression to make. People would call me a weirdo if I sit with a blank expression."
That was strange. When Lauren was asked the reason behind that annoying fake smile, she said it was because smiling wasconsidered professional. In everyuniverse through the ages, people felt more at ease whenever there was a smile involved. In all the service areas: airplanes, hospitals, restaurants, clinics …
'Bullshit philosophy,' Carlisle had told her. He vividly remembered how she gaped at him like a fish. "Throwing around fake smiles at people makes them feel judged, not appreciated. I know you're naturally sassy, Lauren, not polite."
She swallowed, "But doctor, politeness is not only professional, it's kind."
"Not when you don't mean it. I think your, 'get your sweet buns over to that sofa, doc's gonna see you soon,' is going to sound tentimes more effective than, 'apologies for the delay, the doctor will attend to you shortly'. You know what I mean?"
It worked.
He could never get enough of his clients saying, 'your receptionist is awesome!'
In fact, Bella said she had come only because her boss and his good friend Bree Tanner had insisted. She wasn't sold on the concept of past lives. However, upon meeting the staff, she just had to talk to the doctor himself. Innovative people were magnetic. Carlisle had bit back a smile at Bella's statement. In his mind, innovative was just another name for originality
Maggie, on the other hand, had 'compassion' as her middle name. She too was a victim of the set standards of professionalism. She had to adopt a cool exterior so that she wouldn't seem like a mother hen. Carlisle had encouraged her to display full compassion to the fellow clients, no holds barred, as long as she wasn't coming across as nosey.
"I don't want plastics as my staff," he always professed, "I want living, breathing people. I want all of you to work towards being natural, rather than normal. Be discreet, but be true. Understood?"
When some of his staff members had expressed apprehension that they would sound crass, he'd said, "When you start being kind to yourself, you automatically become kind to others. You don't even have to make an effort. You'll see."
The lady in blue in front of him started snickering, "Oh look, now the doctor himself is lost. What have I gotten myself into?"
He shook his head to clear his thoughts and that familiar feeling of triumph made its way to his gut. She was able to crack jokes with him. The doctor – client rapport was now established.
He got up from his comfortable black chair, clutching the client information sheet, and made his way around the desk towards her. He leaned on the desk and glanced down at her, "I don't know why you're here, Bella."
She took a deep breath and leaned against the back of her chair as if all the world's burdens were suddenly on her slender shoulders.
"I don't know where to begin, doctor. I have explained my story to many therapists and nothing good has ever come out of it. I know I probably sound dumb coming to a doctor and saying, 'this isn't gonna work', but –"
He interrupted her, "I don't want you to focus on the results or the outcome right now. Just reach out to me, say it like it is. And no, it is not dumb to express anxiety about something which has not worked in the past."
"Okay."
"Now start off from the beginning. It's just you and me, here. Just Carlisle and Bella. Neither the mean lady named Judgement nor the deceiving one named Anticipation are allowed."
Bella laughed loudly.
The doctor leaning against the desk before her was a killer combo; forty parts wisdom, thirty parts humour and thirty parts confidence. All in all, a full package; genius.
"All right, all right. I'll start.
"I'm not sure if this is true, but the therapists in the past have told me that this has been one of the 'stimuli' for my depression. Before I begin, Carlisle, can you explain to me the meaning of stimulus? I always forget what it is."
He smiled down at her, "A dog knows that when it poops in the bedroom, its master will get annoyed, so it doesn't. In this case, the dog's poop is the stimulus for the master's angry response. Or, the master's angry reaction is the stimulus for the dog's action for pooping inthe right place."
Bella stared at him for five whole seconds. Then a huge wave of mirth hit her, and she doubled over. She squeezed her eyes shut, moisture oozing from the corner. Carlisle was grinning too.
"I – oh, I forgot the number of t - times poop came up in that sentence!" She shrieked between the delighted peals.
He chuckled, "My lame sense of humour is my only asset, dear. Do note that it makes the ladies swoon."
"HA! Swoon because of laughter." She slowly straightened up, breathing heavily. Creases of laughter now adorned the corners of her mouth, and her brown eyes had shed that dull look. She had never looked more striking.
She wiped her eyes with the tissue he'd handed her. "You have such a way with words, Carlisle."
"Thank you, Bella."
"Now let me begin, and no more jokes!"
From I – don't – know – if – coming – here – is – useful to giving him orders to shut it so that she could speak? This was progress.
His tongue was tempted to say, 'Scout's honour!' But he held it. Case study was supposed to be a serious business.
"When I was small, I had parents." She began.
He gaped at her.
"What? I haven't even begun yet."
He wiped that expression off his face, "It's nothing. Please go on. Tell me everything about yourself."
And so she began.
"We were a family of five. I have an elder brother named Emmett McCarty Swan. He's the coolest, generous, most awesome brother anyone could ever ask for. He's really into sports. Currently, he's an acclaimed journalist and owns a golf course. Cool, right?"
Carlisle smiled at her.
"Then, we have me. I just turned twenty-four this year, and I have a love for alliterations. Do or Die, Now or Never, Dates and Daffodils, ya know?"
What a strange detail to share.
"Moving on to the youngest child of the Swan family…"
That was it about her?
"It is Jasper Hale Swan. He's been on this earth for twenty-one years. He's studying Sociology for a future and delivering pizzas for a living. He's got this quiet and icy exterior which adds to his so-called 'brooding' looks." She made air quotations and rolled her eyes, "which the girls swoon over, but actually he's just really lame. If you look at his hairstyle, you'll know what I'm talking about. Also, he has this gross way of eating pizza. He adds so much of ketchup that the whole slice turns red. Lame, like I said." A slight glimmer in her eyes showed this detail amused her. "But he's been a lot closer to me than Emmett during the past months. He frequently visits me and shares everything with me."
"Both of you sound pretty close." He had observed that she talked of her youngest brother much more fondly than Emmett, the elder one.
She smiled. "We are."
"Don't you meet Emmett frequently?" He had to ask her. She looked a little bothered whenever she talked of him.
She sighed, drumming her fingers on the table, "Don't get me wrong, Carlisle. I love that guy. He's the biggest ball of mush and romance, despite his bit—too - ripped body and kinda macho looks. His love for football never interfered with his love for cotton candy." She snickered suddenly as if remembering something.
It was a happy memory.
"That golden, romantic heart of his attracted love at a young age. He met Rosalie when he was nineteen and jobless and is now her proud spouse. It feels unbelievable. Your own brother, who's made mud pies with you, is now married! At twenty-eight! It is so crazy." She smiled sadly, "He'sliving proof of the fact that time flies too fast. Whenever I see him, I feel nostalgia. He used to make me laugh a lot. I miss my brother."
Carlisle reached out to grasp her shoulder.
"I have no problem with Rosalie either." She said after a pause. "She's a really cool woman who has never made me feel unwelcome. She owns a tattoo parlour, and her art almost convinces me to get a tattoo."
"Almost?" he asked, bemused.
"What will happen if I get bored with one? They're gonna get etched on my skin till I'm a skeleton, you know."
He chuckled, "Valid."
This girl really was something.
She blushed, "I know I'm full of shit."
"You're not, Bella. Tattoos can be tedious."
Her eyes lit up, "Alliteration!"
"Only for you. Now continue."
"Right. Oh, I forgot where we were."
"You feeling reluctance to be more intimate with them, no pun intended, even though they have never made you feel unwelcome."
"Whoa, you summed it up. That's, uh, so true. But you know everyone feels that way when they're with any couple, right? We feel as if we're interrupting their privacy."
"But he's your brother, Bella, and she's your sister in law. Let me tell you, couples don't make love or French kiss all the time. Imagine how you would feel if Jasper stops hanging out with you just because you have one more person to cherish."
"I – uh – never thought of it this way." she looked staggered, "I'd probably be heartbroken."
"Exactly." He told her in a gentle tone, "What you're doing is not fair to Emmett."
"All right!" she sighed and made a grand gesture of leaning back intothe black chair. Carlisle's legs felt numb from being in a same position for so long, so he made his way back to his place and sat down. He resisted the urge to moan because of relief.
"You have nice chairs, doc, so soft."
"I agree. Maggie selected them."
He glanced at the client – information sheet. Her key symptoms included, 'Anxiety, depression, grief, sleep disturbance'. He looked at her. She did have shadows under her eyes. As he was noticing her, she yawned widely, covering her mouth only when the yawn was over. Looking at the amused doctor, she mumbled a 'sorry'.
"No problem."
"So as I was saying, I think you're right about me being unfair. But there is one more reason to me ignoring him."
"What is it?"
"I don't want his pink life to be marred with my charcoal shades."
He blinked. "I'm afraid you lost me."
"Pink represents good health," she told him with a smirk, "and charcoal is well, black."
"Oh..."
"Yes. I have so many mental and emotional problems." She started counting on her finger passionately, "I can't sleep properly. I'm not able to concentrate on work. Ugh, the thought of work makes my stomach turn. I keep having nightmares. I feel like crying all the time, and when I don't, I feel numb. A therapist once told me that thefeeling numb is a sign of depression, so depressed is what I am."
"Oh, Bella," Carlisle said sympathetically, "Have you found out the causes?"
"There is only one cause." She said coldly, "Love."
His brow wrinkled, "Can you please elaborate?"
"My love for my mother is one cause. Ever since she died, I've not been able to get one proper sleep."
"I'm so sorry, Bella." He whispered, "You never mentioned her. Tell me about her."
"Renee Swan was nothing short of an angel." She reminisced, a smile gracing her lips and her eyes getting a faraway look, "She had blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. Her hundred-watt grin used to make anyone's day. That silly grin would cheer any person in the world. She was my rock star, my favourite person in the world. She once said her fondest memory was me painting her nails. Boy, did I love painting her nails. I rested my chin on my knees, grabbed her hands, and slid thebrightly coloured brush on her smooth nails. I did it for hours, while she patiently watched or slept.
"Jasper and Emmett loved her too, obviously, but I believed that I loved her best. I was literally her tail. I don't know how she tolerated me," she laughed.
"She was a mom, Bella," Carlisle told her tenderly, adding 'low self - esteem' to the list. "I know it sounds dumb. I know I'm full of shit. I don't know how my mother tolerated me," echoed in his brain. She felt guilty expressing who she was, though she did express it. It meant something; some event had triggered this kind of behaviour. He wondered what the 'stimuli' was.
"Charlie Swan, on the other hand, was an abusive man. He always fought with my mom and yelled all the time. He yelled at my brothers too. At first my mom cried a lot, frequently asking me if her love was inadequate. Once, I told her I didn't know what love was. She said love was devotion. Love was never giving up on anyone or anything.
"She started developing schizophrenia, as Emmett tells me now. Her main symptom was paranoia. I faintly remember her closing all the windows of the house, saying someone was out to kill her. I was pissing my pants hearing this. I don't know the other symptoms, but Emmett tells me that once she accused him of being a 'killer' clown. His feelings were extremely hurt.
"My father divorced her, calling her a 'mad woman'. He didn't want us, his kids, at all. I don't know what his problem was. We didn't want him, either. Mom was more than happy to manage her three kids singlehandedly. At first, all four of us, Emmett, Mom, little Jasper and I lived in a small house at the end of the town. She took up a job as a nursery teacher and this fed us. I barely recall how living there felt like, but Em describes it as peaceful because there was no more yelling.
"After a while, we had to get separated from her. I think it was night, I was sleeping. There was some commotion, but I didn't stir from my sleep. When I cracked my eyes open the next day, I was at Charlie's. I lived there until I was a teenager. I cried all the time. Charlie hadn't changed. He brainwashed us into thinking that Renee didn't want us anymore. The boys agreed, and started hating Renee. To them, she was a traitor, promising us peace and then leaving us back to rot."
"Did you believe Charlie?" Carlisle asked softly.
"Not at all. I couldn't believe Mom would abandon us. I used to think Charlie was behind Renee's abduction. She wasn't abducted, though. Neither my brothers' perception nor mine were correct. Charlie was just a damned liar, messing with the tender minds of his children and breaking their hearts." She said bitterly.
"Where was your mother, then?"
"Ah, yes. Her call came on the landline one day. I started crying as soon as I heard her voice. I asked her why she abandoned us. I don't know what she said. I think she was soothing me. I was crying a lot. I told her I wanted to live with her again. I also told her that Em hated her. I realize it now that it must have broken her heart. But that woman firmly told me, despite the hurt she was feeling, that she would come and visit us soon."
"But where was she?" he was getting impatient.
"I'm getting to that. That night, during dinner, Charlie came home, drunk as usual. I think I looked a little too happy, not morose the way I typically did. He asked me why I was acting like a happy sprite. Emmett too looked at me curiously. I blurted out everything, quite smugly. I told them she would make everything right soon as she was about to pay us a visit. At first, Charlie was enraged. He said he would turn the world upside down before that 'mad woman' sets her foot in his house again. He yelled a lot that night. At first, Em agreed. He said he didn't want to see her face. I started crying, angry that they were saying all that about my mom." Using the word LIKE instead of as if or as though is not a good thing to do. It is incorrect, and unless the character would actually speak that way, it should be corrected. This Bella seems educated.
"What happened then?"
"In a fit of rage, I remember running over to where Charlie's gun was kept, leaning on my tiptoes to pull it out, carrying it and knocking it on his head. I remember yelling, "If you ever call my mom a madwoman again, I'll hit you and hit you until you die!" He blacked out.
"I don't know what happened to that fool after that. Em rushed him to the hospital, I think. I just remember that I met Renee the next day. She was snivelling as she explained that she's been very sick and had to go so that she would get better soon. She also said that she lived in the same house with a friend now, and if we wanted, we could visit her anytime.
"That was the happiest day of my life. Em wept a lot that day, too, hugging her. She continually apologized to us, even though her fault was none. She baked us brownies and listened to our chatter. I was jealous that Jasper was sleeping in her lap the whole time.
"We met her frequently after that, and Em was back to normal. He cracked jokes, made me and Jasper play football, took us, including Mom, to amusement parks and ate a lot of cotton candy. Charlie's involvement in our lives was minimal after that. I suspected he was a little afraid of me."
Bella had fire in her. It was evident. She wasn't the 'suffer in silence' type. That woman had a meter inside her. The moment the limit wascrossed, she was sure to react powerfully and try with everything in her soul to end the obstacles. That's why she was here now. Her limit had been crossed a long while back. All these issues - which undoubtedly had made her stronger – had severely affected her waking life. The first step towards healing was to ask for help from the Universe. The moment you realize that you need help, you automatically start making an effort to better yourself. The statement, 'The cosmos helps those who help themselves' was truer than anyone could imagine.
Carlisle constrained his urge to beam at Bella. He was proud of her, even though he had just met her this morning. Her answers lied within, as did every answer in this world. He just had to bring it to the surface, to her conscious mind. He'd helped thousands of people. He would guide her too.
The corner of Bella's mouth turned down as sadness passed her eyes.
"The birds had to fly one day. Em went away first, followed by me. And I took Jasper."
"What happened to your parents?"
"I wanted Renee to come with me, but she said she couldn't leave the place where she had lived all her life. That was valid enough at the time, but she later told me on the phone that she didn't want to disrupt our careers. My so-called father died drinking."
"Whoa. Didn't that affect you, Bella?" he was surprised by the nonchalance in her tone.
"Not really," she said, flipping her hair behind her back, "His funeral had only us, and a few cops."
"I see."
"I hope you understand me, Carlisle. He'd abused us so much that during the time of his death, I could only think, 'good riddance'. His abuse had been one of the stimuli for my depression, as the therapists toldme."
"Along with love, as you say."
"Yes. Love is the reason for every bad thing that has happened to me."
"How is that true?"
"I expected love from my father. I had several relationships where my heart was broken. Do you know why I looked for relationships?"
"Because of love?"
She sniffed, "Since I was a kid, I loved watching Disney movies. As I grew, I read a lot of romantic novels, and they always portrayed the same thing. Love had healed two damaged souls. Even now, in almost every spiritual book, it's written that love has the power to cure everything. Love is miraculous. I have seen Em change for better ever since he's fallen for Rosalie. He has grown optimistic, full of hope. I wanted to see for myself, experience the healing powers of love.
"After my first relationship, I was devastated. Love was not all that I've read in books or seen in movies. After the second one, I abandoned the fantastical ideas of finding any kind of romantic love. That nonsense was reserved only for books. I limited my aspirations. Now, I just wanted companionship. I just searched for someone who made me feel good. Was that too much to ask?
"Have you had any success?"
"I'm afraid I'd have to answer that in the negative. You see, the web of love works this way…First; you want it in its full glory. Then, you are happy to settle for less. And then, after that, you just want to settle for someone to avoid loneliness. It's wrong, but it's true. Clichéd as it may sound, love is like a drug. It's toxic, but you crave it. It works for only some of the people, yet when others see them, he happy ones, they all start searching."
"But you also blamed the love for your mother. Why is that?"
Bitter experiences had made this girl pessimistic.
"You know, doctor, I frequently called her and told her all about my shit relationships. When she realized how depressed it was making me, she used to say, 'Bella, you have given the reigns of your happiness to the other person for too long. That is why your happiness is so short lived. If the happiness comes from within, then usually it's permanent'.
"I wish I could be happy from within, but love had made me incapable of that. If my mom hadn't loved my dad, I believe she would have been happier. My life would have been better. It was she who taught me love was devotion, love was never giving up. I became the clingy type, hoping till the last moment that everything would be fine, only to be heartbroken.
"One day she called me to say that she'd found love. I was baffled. Was she having a schizophrenic attack again? She could feel my disbelief from across the phone, and she urged me to visit her so that she could tell me where love was. She sounded ecstatic. I agreed, amused, thinking that maybe, she'd found herself a boyfriend. Since she was so happy, I was sure that this time it was someone who didn't drink, stink like a pig and wasn't abusive. That in itself would have been must be a huge achievement for her…"
She swallowed suddenly and clenched her fists, which were resting onthe table, trying to look rough. Her eyes werefilled with unshed tears.
"She died four days after that call, hit by a truck."
"Shit."
This left his mouth before he could stop himself.
She half smiled though it was void of humour. Therefore, her grief began to evolve into a depression with increasingly significant symptoms. Bella was having problems sleeping at night. She had difficulty falling asleep and she would awaken much too early in the morning, unable to fall back to sleep.She lost interest in food and began losing weight. She had a noticeable lack of energy. She lost enthusiasm for relationships, and her ability to concentrate became increasingly impaired.
Before her mother's death, Bella's anxiety consisted mainly of job stresses, such as deadlines and difficult decisions. She was also anxious at times about her relationships, with how she should act and what her responses should be. Her anxiety levels increased dramatically after the death of her mother. She had lost her daily confidante and advisor, her closest friend. She had lost her primary source of guidance and support. She felt disoriented, alone, adrift.
This was bound to get the attention of her boss, Bree Tanner, so she recommended Carlisle's name to her. Bree had read the books written by him and attended some lectures in which he talked of people in meditative states having encounters with loved ones. Bree always fired keen and clever questions. She'd become a good friend of his. Bella's heart gave the final thump of hope after listening to all of this and she came to him after setting an appointment. She hoped for some type of reunion or contact with her mother. Her heartache needed some balm to ease the constant pain.
Carlisle smiled compassionately at her, quoting his favourite saying by Jack E Leonard, "'There is nothing wrong with you that a regression therapy can't cure.' "
He gave her a tape to listen to at home so that her state of mind could relax. Her treatmentwould begin at the next session.
He hugged her and watched her leave.
Then he thought …
Your problem is not love, but the lack of love. No one can provide you with that, except for yourself.
