The feeling of the cold metal slicing through my pale scarred skin was something I had become used to within the past two years of my life as Andy Biersack, lead singer of Black Veil Brides. The crimson droplets falling down to the tiled floor of the tour bus' bathroom was a welcomed sight. I felt myself grin sickly at my pain. It was the only thing that seemed to be there for me. I finally had control over something, and it felt amazing. I made four incisions, two on each arm. One for the band that doesn't care, one for the family I never see, one for the girl who never loved me, and one for everything else in my life. I heard the soft footsteps of someone in the hall.

A feeling of slight panic washed over me as I swiftly put the blade in my back pocket and stood to clean and bandage the cuts before anyone came in. Luckily, I had locked the door just in case. Just as I was wrapping up my wrists, I heard the door knob shake and a soft knock on the door.

"Andy," the hoarse voice of a tired Ashley called from the other side of the door. I finished the wrap and swiftly unlocked the door, opening the door quickly to see Ashley still propped up against the door frame. He glared at me through his drooping eyes, clearly annoyed.

"What the hell took you so long in there? I have to pee," he whined. My eyes shifted to the floor and I shrugged as if to say it was nothing. I pushed past him as I made my way to my bunk and climbed in, covering my head with the blankets. I knew everyone else was still asleep besides Ashley, so I took the opportunity to pull out my notebook. I used it for everything. It was like a diary, notepad, song lyrics, drawing pad, anything. Most importantly, I used it to vent. I ranted for pages in it because I knew that was the only thing that would listen. And every time I cut, I wrote about it. Every secret of mine was in that thing, so if anyone were to find it, I don't know what I would do. I try not to think about it.

As I wrote about the recent events of the day, I heard Ashley make his way back to his bunk which was right above mine, so I shoved my notebook under the mattress as I did every night. I heard him climb to the top, and soon enough heard his soft snores again. I turned onto my side and curled into a ball. I stared at the wall for a while until I slowly let sleep overtake me, along with the nightmares that haunt my dreams.

I gasped as I woke up from another nightmare. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I opened my curtain and looked at my phone. 7:00 am. I sighed as I looked around. Everyone was still asleep except for Jinxx, who was probably on the phone with Sammi. I walked into the living room area of the bus and sat on the end of the couch, listening to Jinxx's muffled conversation from the kitchen area. I could barely make out what he was saying, but I had good hearing and he spoke loudly.

"Sammi, I don't know. There's just something wrong."

"He hasn't eaten much, we are kind of worried."

"No- he wouldn't Sammi. I'm telling you, he's been weird…"

"No it's just- ok but I- yes dear. He's probably fine. I'm overreacting."

"Yes, you were right. Ok. Ok. Yes. Alright I love you too. Bye darling."

I heard the click of his phone as he walked around the kitchen and I retreated to my bunk, thoughts swirling in my head. That call was definitely about me. He was worried. I understand, I guess. I haven't eaten in a long time, knowing that to lose the disgusting fat on my body, I couldn't eat. I looked terrible. My ribs were protruding and my legs looked like they could snap like toothpicks, but I wasn't satisfied until I was skinny. I usually never even came out of my bunk. I sat in the darkness, where I couldn't be harmed by anyone but myself. I hated how they looked at me. I hated how I was never good enough. I hated myself, and cutting helped me cope with that. None of the other band members knew, and I didn't intend on letting them know. I liked the comfort of my warm, dark, isolated bunk where the world could never find me. So I laid in my bed, staring at the bed above mine, wishing that I had enough courage to just end it all.

I heard each of the guys get up as time went on and make their way to the living room while I sat alone, with nothing but my thoughts to keep my company. No one thought to check on me since my isolation from them had become a regular thing. I heard them talking but I was too far away to fully understand their conversation. As I sat deep in thought, I was startled by the sound of footsteps nearing my bunk, the smell of food wafting through the curtains. My mouth watered, but I told myself to stay strong and that I can't eat until I was skinny. I watched the curtain yank open but didn't turn my head to see who it was. I simply lay on my back, propped up by pillows, staring at nothing in particular.

"You umm, you want some eggs, Andy? Jake made some this morning and I figured you might want some too…" C.C.'s voice trailed off as I looked over at the plate of scrambled eggs with a side of sausage. I refused to make eye contact, in fear that he would be able to tell something was seriously wrong. C.C. had a way of doing that. He could read me pretty well, but I was also a great actor, and simply shook my head and returned to my staring. I heard him sigh and the curtain closed again, leaving me once again to my thoughts.

I must have fallen asleep again, because I awoke a short time later by Ashley's softly shaking my shoulder. I grumbled and glanced at the alarm clock near the wall. 10:00 am. I turned to face the wall, pulling the covers towards my face. Unfortunately, when Ashley wanted me up, he was going to get me up one way or another. He ripped the covers off of me as my body shivered at the sudden rush of cold air. I moaned and sat up.

"Andy, you have to get up. You can't sit here all day, we have a concert tonight. Get up!" I stretched and got up, slowly making my way towards the bathroom. Everyone had been up for a while so they were already ready. I trudged into the bathroom and shut the door. I looked at my appearance in the mirror. My hair was disheveled; my eyes had deep dark bags under them from lack of sleep. I pulled my shirt up to see my ribs looking like they could burst through my skin any second and I felt slightly proud. I looked into my eyes through the mirror. My once icy blue eyes that used to be so full of joy and happiness now were cold and dull like stone. The pain in my eyes was so clear, but only someone who searched for it would be able to tell. I wanted to cry, I wanted to break down, but I knew I couldn't or someone would find out my secrets. I sighed as I undressed to find some clean clothes to wear. I examined my cuts and scars. They were an array of small, long, deep, shallow, red, brown, white, old and fresh scars scattering my arms. The sickest part of it all was that I didn't feel guilty. I deserved it. I always deserved the pain.

I got dressed and hurriedly straightened my hair. I lazily applied a small amount of eyeliner above and below my eyes. I walked out of the bathroom and sat on the edge of my bunk, feet flat on the floor. I picked up my phone and checked for new messages. There was only one from Ashley saying that they had stepped out to get some pizza and they would be back in a bit. I sighed and thought about cutting again, but realized that the odds of someone walking in on me that time was too great. I walked to the couch and pulled out an acoustic guitar I kept on the bus. I was no good at playing, but it helped with song writing and I was extremely bored. I began to strum a few chords, but nothing honestly came to mind for lyrics. Soon enough, I heard the bus door open as the guys all strutted in, pizza in hand, smiling and laughing at each other. Each of them stood in the doorway, slightly shocked to see me out of bed, fully dressed and ready. Jake closed his gaping mouth and cleared his throat.

"Andy! You- you're up, and functioning…" He instantly regretted his choice of words, but I shrugged it off. C.C. and Jinxx seemed happy that I had finally gotten up, Jake was still cursing himself for his word choice, but Ashley just stood with his arms crossed as he frowned. I furrowed my brow at him and sank into the couch a little more. Everyone else went to go eat the pizza while Ashley sat next to me on the couch. I moved as far over as I could to the edge as he watched me.

"Did you eat anything yet?" His eyes searched for mine, while my eyes searched for anything to focus on except his. I shook my head and looked at a particularly interesting piece of string sticking out of the fabric of my shirt. I heard him sigh angrily and stand up, towering over me.

"Andy, what is wrong with you, man? You never eat anything; you don't come out of your bunk. Who knows what you've been doing? What is wrong with you?" He angrily shouted. I looked to him and saw a mixture of anger, pain, confusion, and sympathy washed over his features. Ashley was like a brother to me, he was my best friend. He was just worried and I knew that it pained him to see me like this. I knew I would have done the same. By now the other guys had come into the room, and for some reason, it angered me.

"I don't know, alright? I'm fine, I already ate; just leave me the hell alone! There's nothing wrong with me!" I stood up so that Ashley was lower than me. He wasn't shorter by much, but it was enough to give me confidence. He was much older though, and I felt slightly intimidated. Ashley never usually got angry with me. He stepped towards me, leaving less than a foot between us.

"Biersack, there is something seriously wrong with you. Why the hell are you pushing us away? We are trying to help you-"

"I don't need your help, god damnit!" I thundered. Ashley stepped back, looking as if I had slapped him in the face. I felt guilty, but his anger soon returned.

"I'm done trying to help you then, Biersack. I'm sick of your shit. Go back to your bunk. You can die for all I care." He stormed into the kitchen and I watched as the guys stood in shock over what he had just said. I couldn't breathe. I was so shocked, pained by his words. I felt like he had stabbed me right in my heart, and tears threatened to spill over my face. I knew I couldn't let myself cry, so I turned and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I didn't bother to lock it. I fell into a heap in the corner. He said that I could die and he wouldn't care. No one would care. No one cares about me anyways. Everyone hated me. Ashley hated me. My band hated me. My family hated me. The fans hated me. Juliet hated me. Most of all, I hated me. I was disgusted by myself, and I couldn't take the suffering anymore.

I rummaged through the cabinets for my razor, finally finding it. I sank back into the wall and slid to the floor. A small amount of tears streaked my face. I held the razor to my wrist and made many deep cuts. I winced in pain, but I knew it felt good. It was what Ashley wanted, what everyone wanted, what I wanted. The razor was my paintbrush and my wrist was my canvas. I stopped as I realized how far I had gone. The blood splattered the floor as it gushed like it had never done before. I felt myself get light-headed and just smiled at my handiwork. I sat and waited for the end, because I knew that this time, when I fell asleep, I wouldn't be waking up.

I watched as the door slowly opened and I heard Ashley before I saw him, or he saw me.

"Andy, I'm sorry, I was just worried and- holy shit! Oh my god, someone call 911 now! Hurry! Oh my god, Andy!" He rushed to my side and examined my wrists. Panic overwhelmed him as he held my hand and tried to keep me awake. He called my name many times, but I couldn't respond. I just smiled sickly. He started to cry. The rest of the band poked their heads in to see what was going on. They all started to cry, C.C. being the loudest. He fell to the ground, cursing himself for not saving me. He screamed and pounded the floor, unable to deal with something like that. Jake looked like he was going to throw up, which he did on the living room floor. He sat there, silently, not knowing how to react. He just stared blankly as a stream of tears soaked his face. Jinxx called an ambulance, but no one could understand him through his shaky sobs. Seeing them cry was heart breaking. They were my brothers. I didn't want to hurt them. I never realized how much this would hurt them. I thought this was what they wanted.

"Andy, why… please just stay with me, please! Andy, oh my god, I'm so sorry! I never knew. I was such an ass!" Ashley yelled at me through his crying. He hugged me as tightly as he could as if his life depended on it. He didn't care if the blood smeared on his body. He held me, rocking back and forth, and he shook uncontrollably. I was extremely weak, so I used the last of my strength to mutter the words, "I thought you didn't care." And the darkness enveloped me completely.

I was finally at peace.

A/N: This was my first fanfiction so I really appreciate any reviews, comments, and constructive criticism! I'm not sure if I could possibly continue this or leave it as it is, so please let me know your thoughts! Thank you!