CHAPTER ONE: I'll Be Waiting For You
A heavy sigh escaped Tegan's lungs as she collapsed onto the off-white bed of tonight's hotel room. Her blackberry lit up as it hit the pillow next to her: 1 AM, one new message. Tegan put the phone to her ear.
"Hey, it's me," Tegan heard her sister say. "I just wanted to make sure you got back to the hotel okay 'cause nobody saw you leave."
There was a long pause and Tegan heard a muffled song and the soft roar of a drunken crowd in the background.
Sara sucked in a trembling breath before saying quietly, "Okay, well, text me, 'cause it's too noisy in here to hear my phone ring. G'night."
Tegan sighed again and rested her hand over her eyes. Why, now, was she acting like she cared? She wouldn't even make eye contact with me when we were at the bar.
The band and crew had thrown a party for Al's birthday at a small karaoke joint in town. Tegan had slipped out the back door after the third round of drinks, hoping nobody would notice she was gone. And yet she walked the frigid 8 blocks back to the hotel, wishing the entire time that somebody had noticed. But not just somebody. Sara. She couldn't understand why, when she had gotten exactly what she had wanted, she felt a rock in her gut and a pang in her head.
Tegan shivered and pulled herself into a sitting position. She ran her fingers through her hair, slowly, trying to rub her headache away. She dragged her feet into the bathroom and started a hot shower. Staring at herself in the mirror, she said, "What the fuck, Tegan? Get a fucking grip on yourself." She glared at her reflection until she could no longer make out her teary eyes in the foggy mirror. She stepped into the shower and let the water scold her skin. Maybe it would burn away her feelings, too.
…
A soft rap at the hotel door jolted Tegan out of her daze. She turned off the water, stuck her head out of the shower, and waited. Nothing. She sighed and banged her head against the tile. Stupid, she thought. Of course she wouldn't come.
Then she heard the knock again, and this time a voice accompanied it. "Tegan! Are you in there?"
Tegan's heart fluttered as she grabbed the long white robe hanging by the shower and tried not to rush too quickly to the door. She opened it and a gust of cool air smacked her wet face.
"Oh, my god, Tegan! What are you doing?!" Sara said, having a difficult time controlling the tremble in her voice.
"What are you talking about? I was in the shower…"
"Tegan, for fuck's sake, it's been almost two hours, you weren't answering your phone and nobody knew where you went! And Shaun texted me twenty minutes ago saying you weren't answering your door!"
"Why are you so freaked out? Where else would I go?" Tegan asked. She cares, Tegan told herself.
"Because you're my fucking sister and I thought you were hurt or lost or something! We're in a foreign fucking country and you're out walking around alone in the middle of the night!" Sara pushed past Tegan in the doorway and plopped herself onto the edge of the bed. She put her head in her hands and tried to take deep breaths. She couldn't forget that deep panic that had echoed through her body with each step in between the bar and the hotel.
Tegan closed the door slowly until she heard it click. She sat at the foot of the bed next to Sara.
Sara, with her head still in her hands, opened her eyes slowly, and caught sight of Tegan's bare ankles peeking out from under a sea of white. How did I not realize that she is in a fucking robe? Sara scolded herself. She kept her head in her hands and sat staring at Tegan's beautiful ankles, until Tegan shifted and Sara quickly averted her eyes before she got caught.
"Sara, I'm sorry, okay?" Tegan said, feeling bad now. She slowly raised her hand to Sara's back and began rubbing small circles across her sweatshirt. "Don't be upset. I'm fine."
Sara closed her eyes and began to relax for a minute or so, concentrating only on the friction of her sister's warm hand on her covered back. Then she sat up and turned to look her twin in the eye. "Don't ever do that to me again," she whispered.
Tegan's eyes were immediately drawn into Sara's and then traveled slowly across her cheekbones to her parted, sad lips. She understood how Sara felt. It was the same feeling she had felt in the bar when Tegan was ignored over and over again by the one person from whom she had wanted attention. Anything would have satisfied her, even a mere glance across the table. But she got nothing.
Meanwhile, Sara's eyes flitted to Tegan's damp collarbone and traced the rim of her robe with her eyes. She had tried so hard earlier that night not to look where she wasn't supposed to look. But now, in the safety of this warm room, she felt herself slowly unraveling all over again.
"I am sorry, Sara," Tegan said, still gazing at her sister's lips. "But, it's not like I'm eight years old. I know how to find my way home." The twins' eyes locked. She wasn't about to let Sara get away with how she had behaved earlier. "I just don't get why you were so worried," Tegan lied.... Or do I?
Sara, embarrassed now, said quietly, "I was... I mean... I wasn't really worried…." She glanced down at her hands, then back to Tegan's eyes.
"Uh, huh." Tegan leaned back, grinning nonchalantly.
"Shaun was worried," Sara insisted. "He wasn't sure how many drinks you had had and…." She trailed off, tired of her own pathetic attempt at a lie.
Tegan smiled softly and pulled her legs onto the bed. "Well, then, tell Shaun that I say thank you for worrying about me. It was very sweet of him."
"I will," Sara replied, solemnly. What were you thinking, Sara? Of course she would've just gone back to her hotel room. She's a big girl, she can take care of herself. She doesn't need you.
"Oh," Tegan added, as though she had just remembered something.
Sara glanced up.
"Can you also give Shaun something for me?"
Sara nodded. "What?"
Tegan leaned into Sara.
The V of Tegan's robe's collar grew deeper and darker until Sara forced her eyes shut. Tegan pressed her arms around Sara's tense body. Sara felt Tegan's wet hair on her warm neck, their chests pressed against each other.
Tegan whispered, "Jesus, Sara, relax… you're so tense."
But when Tegan gripped tighter, Sara pulled away. She stopped when Tegan's face was in front of hers. They gazed at each other for a long moment. Tegan's left hand was still on Sara's waist and Sara's left hand rested lightly on Tegan's bare thigh, which had slipped out from in between the cover of the robe. She was still warm from the shower.
Tegan moved her hand to rest on Sara's.
Sara shivered and pulled her hand away nervously, as though suddenly remembering where she was and who she was with. "Sorry," she said.
Tegan sighed. Why do I always have to go and ruin the moment? …That was a moment, right? "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
"No, it's okay, really, Tegan. It was just a hug," Sara insisted. She stood up.
Tegan looked up at her sister. A long moment passed before she gained the courage to ask, "Is that really what you believe? That... that it was just a hug?"
Sara couldn't bear Tegan's sad eyes. But she couldn't bear the feelings inside of her even more. She needed to fight this. "Yes, Tegan. Jesus."
Defeated, Tegan looked away and said, "Fine, g'night."
Sara put her hand on Tegan's arm. She hated it when Tegan got defenseless. "No, come on, don't do that. I'm sorry, Tegan, okay? Just… get into bed and… and close your eyes and I'll… I'll turn the lights off for you, okay?" Don't tempt yourself, Sara...
Tegan had no other choice but to climb into bed as she watched her sister walk towards the door. So much for that.
"Close your eyes!"
Tegan closed her eyes and when she opened them the lights were off and a shadowed body was moving towards her.
Sara pushed Tegan's wet hair off her face and bent over her sister.
Tegan felt her sister's cool lips on her forehead and, simultaneously, felt her entire body relax, comforted instantly. She kept her eyes wide open, afraid that she had slipped into a dream. Her pulse was pounding in her ears and it took all her strength not to grab Sara's face and pull it to hers.
"I'm right next door, and I'll see you in the morning, okay?" Sara whispered into Tegan's ear.
Don't leave. Please don't leave. Tegan wanted to feel Sara's breath on her face like this forever.
"Okay, Tegan?" Sara asked again, her lips brushing her sister's ear. "Bright and early, I'll be waiting for you."
Tegan trembled in the dark. She reached out from under the covers and took Sara's hand in hers. She put her sister's fingers to her lips, let her eyes drift shut, and whispered, "I'll be waiting for you, too."
Sara pressed her lips in front of Tegan's ear one last time. Then she turned, hesitantly, and slowly let herself out.
Tegan heard the door click into place and waited for the echo of footsteps down the hallway. But it was a long time before Sara's heart allowed her to leave her post outside Tegan's hotel room.
