The Talk

Once upon a time, there was a little demon spider named Claude Faustus. He was only seventy three years old, which is practically toddler age in demon years. He was picking potatoes from the potato tree from his backyard one day when a question sparked in his little, innocent mind.

"How are babies made?" Claude asked himself. The young demon set all the potatoes in a basket, put a dandelion in his plum colored hair, and ran back to his Okaa-san and Otou-san (his parents).

Claude's mother, who had ebony hair and the most beautiful red eyes smiled and said, "Hello honey! Did you pick all of the potatoes like I asked you to?"

"No!" The young demon cheered. "But I have a question. How are babies made?"

The raven's smile quickly turned into a scowl. "William, I think today's the day we have to give Claude The Talk."

William T Spears came inside and said, "But Sebastian! He's only seven! Claude's way too young to learn about that!"

"Well I don't want to make up some stupid lie either!" Sebastian exclaimed, glaring at his husband.

"What's going on?" Little Claude asked. His big yellow eyes peered into his parents' soulless souls.

"Uhm, uh….." William nervously adjusted his shinigami glasses.

"I want to know how babies are made! Pleeeeeeeeeeeease Otou-san?"

"I uh…." William began. "When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they-"

"They wish upon a star and a child is delivered to them by Satan!" The raven interrupted, earning stares from Claude and William. Sebastian continued, "Then in nine months, the baby reaches his or her Okaa-san and Otou-san. That day becomes their birthday!"

Claude nodded and he looked convinced. The parents let out a sigh of relief. They would be safe for today.

"THAT'S ALL LIES!" Grell yelled as he jumped out of the bushes and landed on the table. The family was speechless.

The shemale stood up on the table and said to the little spider demon, "When a two or sometimes three people love each other, they fuck!"

Claude tilted his head. "They fuck..?"

"Exactly! And after they have sex-"

"Sex? What's that?" Sebastian and William shook their heads, trying to signal Grell not to say anything else, but it was far too late.

"Sex happens when two people are in the mood and they want pleasure. You would have to insert your peepee into a girl's-"

"Does sex make babies?" Claude asked.

"If you don't use protection, yes." Grell replied.

The young demon stared down at his crotch, trying to process all of this information. He then looked up at the three adults and cheered, "I want a baby! I want a baby!"

"You're too young to have a baby." Sebastian told him. "But you can make that decision when you grow up."

"Okay, Okaa-san!" Claude beamed. "Then you and Otou-san make a baby!"

The parents blushed as Grell began to tease the lovers. Claude was now a changed demon. Never again would he be the same.

~Many Years Later~

Alois watched Claude tie his shoes like he always did in the morning. But this morning would be different.

"Hey Claude?" Two beady yellow eyes glanced up at him.

"Yes, your highness?"

Alois took a deep breath and asked, "How exactly are babies born?"

Claude flashed a perverted grin and replied, "When a mommy and daddy love each other very much…"

THE END


(A/N: Well, that's a thing now. I'm dedicating this to a friend who sadly doesn't have an account on this lovely site. I hope you all enjoyed that abomination I call a crackfic. I also posted this on my Tumblr account, just so you know. Thanks for reading!)