Author's Note: Hey everybody, I've recently wrote a bunch of Resi stories, but thought that I'd post this one first. It's a parody of the first Resident Evil/The Remake…I'm sure this has been done a few times already, but here's hoping you find something different in this one that you'll like.
I'm not exactly sure how good I am at this humour thing (it's my first time writing a parody) but read it and give me the honest truth. I'm not loving everything about this chapter, but I've been over it so many times that I'm going a bit mental lol so decided to just bite the bullet and post the damn thing.
I'd like to give special credit to the creator of Resident Evil: Flash Edition Opening Movie (it is fantastically funny and can be found on Youtube if anyone hasn't seen it) and Foulds, author of Resident Evil 0, The Insecurity of Evil - who gave me great inspiration without even knowing it J
Ur…Enjoy I guess! And P.S: I don't own any of the characters in this story or any of the plot…though the warped humour is all me.
Why Can't I just Shoot The Damn Door Open? A Resident Evil Parody
Did I Say Cerberus? Of Course I meant Platypus
It was July in 1998 - and it was late. Not so late that you'd be having trouble staying awake but not so early that you'd be feeling pretty un-cool if you were to go to bed at that hour, it being so early and all…so somewhere kind of in the middle. Say in-between 9.00 and 10.00pm. Certainly late enough to plunge everything into a murky darkness at least.
….So basically it was dark and late.
A helicopter carrying the S.T.A.R.S Alpha team flew over the Racoon Forest, searching for their missing brothers in arms, Bravo team. The team had last reported from their current location - but they'd then lost all contact.
Everyone was worried - except for Barry who was too busy shinning his mid-life crisis Magnum and smirking to himself about Jill Sandwiches.
The Alpha team agreed that it had been a bit odd for the Bravo team to travel to the location at night when it was dark and so very hard to see and so very easy to get lost, but there you go.
Jill Valentine, master of unlocking and sandwich-making and a typically independent 21st century woman, scanned the dense tree line below with worried eyes. Sure the people lost were technically her subordinates and plus…she really didn't know them at all, but Jill liked to think that she was a nice person with a caring heart, so she would at least pretend to be concerned about the present situation.
Chris Redfield, typically attractive male lead, was standing guard by her side, also searching, but maybe caring a little more sincerely than Jill was - as that lost helicopter contained his stereotypical damsel-in-distress-despite-the-fact-that-she-kicked-ass-in-the-prequel female secondary character, Rebecca Chambers - and he felt, for some reason, that he needed to find her.
Suddenly the copter veered madly to the right, causing the pair to topple into each other. There was a moment of panic as the mechanical bird took a nose dive, before recovering and steadying.
"Sorry," called Brad Vickers, from his place at the controls, "I thought I saw a Mutated Bat from Hell…but it turned out to be a flying squirrel. No biggie. I won't freak out at the slightest thing and at the most inconvenient times. Promise. That rodent just took me by surprise is all."
The team all nodded in relief.
It was then that Jill noticed something outside. Smoke. Rising tendrils of the stuff. "Look Chris!"
At Jill's cry, Chris rushed to the windows. "What Jill - is it that abandoned train sitting randomly and ominously alone in the middle of the woods?"
"No, it's-"
"Or that top secret Training Facility?"
"No it's -"
"Or that tall dude with the really long arm and insanely sharp claw-hand waving at us?"
"No, it's the bloody smoke! The smoke!"
Chris stared. Hard. Squinting a little even. "Oh that….I don't think that's anything important."
Despite Chris's fine suggestions of not looking into the smoke incident any further, the Alpha helicopter settled down next to it a few minutes later - mostly because Captain Wesker had insisted with, some might say, a mad, traitorous glint in his eye that they would 'settle down there indeed' - after which he laughed evilly. …Everyone respected Wesker for his good positive attitude and ability to laugh in such a dire circumstance.
The smoking wreck of the helicopter was beyond repair and completely devoid of any Bravo members, save Kevin, the pilot - who by the way was very dead. Like seriously dead. In fact if there was a championship competition for how dead one person could be, Kevin would so win it.
The group stood outside the downed copter, staring. Hard. No one really bothered to check the body for any clues that would be useful to determine the cause of death - though Kevin did have some vicious looking claw and bite marks all over his body which were pretty telling.
"Right well let's split up and search the area, remembering to keep very far apart from each other at all times and on limited alert. Kevin's death was obviously natural, so no one worry," commanded Wesker.
"But Captain, shouldn't we inform the Department of Kevin's obvious mutilation and search together in one unified, well-defended group, as there's apparently something or someone very dangerous out in these woods?"
"Well Jill, despite that being a sensible and well thought-out plan, I'm going to have to go with my previous splitting-up idea, for I want you all to learn the importance of Splitting Up Whenever Possible, even when say…you're trapped in a hostile building of some Mansion-type variety, alone and completely lost, and you find a comrade, who by all accounts, it would be much safer and sensible to stick with - you should still split up."
Everyone nodded, awed by Wesker's wisdom.
"And for the record Kevin died of completely natural causes, anyone can see that - hell, he could even just be sleeping he looks so peaceful," Wesker paused, watching the sceptical eyes of his team stare at the contorted mask of fear and agony that was now Kevin's face. He coughed, "Completely natural indeed!…I mean this is obviously someone totally not mauled by a pack of Cerberuses."
The group looked about at each other uncertainly. There was beat of silence.
"Ur…what was that last bit Captain?" asked Jill, hesitant to question the all knowing, but no one else seemed to be stepping forward to do it. …Chicken shits.
Beneath dark, dark sunglasses, an accessory that no normal human being should be wearing at night when there's, you know, no sun, Wesker mumbled, "Ur…ur…I said that he was totally enthralled by a sack of ur…platypuses…yes, that will do."
Jill's eyes narrowed. "But that doesn't make any -"
"Right well, let's get moving team - fan out, remembering to keep a good distance apart so that you all completely lose sight of each other. Jill, you go and investigate over there in the darkest corner of the forest where that growling seems to be coming from. Ok - let's go!"
As one, the team moved out.
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So what did you all think? Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. Remember this is my first outing in parody world so please be gentle ;)
