Dear Yuna.

Writing this letter is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I still don't know if I should do this at all, but I hope this is not a mistake. Keeping all these things to myself for such a long time has been unbelievably frustrating and difficult and I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I am just afraid, but I can't be with you anymore when you have received this letter. This is my confession and after reading it you can do whatever you want to, because it won't affect me anymore. I will be gone and I will not tell anyone where I'm going.

I know this sounds melodramatic and perhaps you have no idea what am I trying to say. I am supposed to be a happy mother, married to a good man and living in a great beautiful place. My life should be perfect. There was a time when I tried to believe that, too, but for a long time I've just been surviving. I shouldn't have a reason to leave everything I have, but isn't sadness big enough a reason? Isn't it better to choose freedom somewhere else than slowly die in my own home?

The truth is that I hate my child. It must be the most horrible thing a mother can say, but I will not deny it anymore. I used to cry because of that; I used to think I'm the most evil person alive. Now I've just accepted that I am different. I shouldn't have a child. Motherly love is always described as something so amazing and beautiful that I had never thought I wouldn't feel it. But when Vidina cries all I want to do is go away and not hear that annoying sound. Sometimes I have considered taking a pillow and forcing him silent. It's not that I want to kill my child, I just want to sleep.

I thought becoming a mother would make me a better wife, too. I thought the baby would unite Wakka and me. I hoped we could be good parents together. I have never loved him as anything more than a friend, but it didn't seem like an important thing when he asked me to marry him. I believed I would learn to love him as the father of my children, maybe as a husband some day. It didn't happen. The more I have to be with him, the more I hate him. And in Vidina I only see his father, the prison I live in. It is possible to be loved to death.

Wakka is a good man. He has tried very hard to be good to me and I am terribly sorry that he failed. Or I failed to return his feelings. He would be a perfect companion for someone else, but our marriage was a sad mistake. I married him because the one I loved – the one I still love – was very much in love with someone else. I knew it was hopeless already when I recognized my feelings for the first time, but before the last events I never stopped hoping, secretly dreaming of a chance with my true love. It was about you all the time, Yuna. Your pilgrimage was the happiest time of my life. After Chappu I thought I could love no one, but what I feel for you is so much more than it ever was with him.

Even if you're still reading this, you must be angry with me. A mother hating her child, a wife hating her husband, a woman confessing her love to another woman. These things are not something I could tell our friends here in Besaid. These are taboos. I just wish you could even try to understand my situation. Seeing you with Tidus has been such a torturing thing I just can't be here anymore. My frustration is so great I fear what I might do, given the change. Yuna, I wish you could consider taking care of Wakka and Vidina when I'm gone. Or finding someone else to do that. I didn't know whom else to trust with this.

I'm doing this because of you, because of your safety. I want you to be happy with the one you love, and no matter how much it hurts to admit I know it can never be me. This decision will also protect my family. I don't want to end up murdering my husband and child because of my own failure and sadness. I don't expect you to think what I'm doing is right, but please don't hate me, Yuna. Maybe you can forgive me some day. Goodbye.

With love,

Lulu.