Girls Night Out by RedDwarfette
Summary: Anya hires Spike as the entertainment at her bachelorette party. Season 6 of BtVS.
AN: This fiction is dedicated to all the fans of BtVS & Ats who need a laugh.
Disclaimer: The characters of BtVS & Ats are the property of Joss Whedon, Fox & UPN. Lyrics from You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate and the remix by T-Shirt.
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Anya paced across the crypt.
'...You see, that's why I need you. No one else will do,' Anya said.
Spike turned his head from the reality TV show, 'Say what?'
She huffed. 'Spike, weren't you listening at all? Human tradition dictates white dress, cake and a 'just married' sign tacked to the car window.'
'So?'
'That's where you come in,' Anya started.
'In a dress?'
'No...' Anya smiled, 'As the stripper.'
'No way, no blooming way. You're off your rocker if you think I'd do that.'
'But I can't ask anyone else! Xander would get jealous if I hired a professional. If you do it, he'll never believe I'm actually interested in your body.'
'Thanks a lot.'
'Spike, it's not that I don't find you physically attractive. Or that I haven't had fantasies involving you, peach yogurt and a tire swing, but my heart is for Xander. I just need you to shake your demon booty while me and the girls ogle your butt. It's tradition.'
'Screw tradition.'
'I'll give you fifty bucks.'
'Two hundred... and some Burba weed.'
'Deal.'
Anya and Spike shook hands.
'It is tax deductible, right?'
******************
'How many times do I have to tell you? No, Anya has not told me what she organised for her party.' Buffy shook her head. 'Although apparently my good luck in being your bridesmaid has me staring down a burlap with blood larva.'
'Buffy, I promise no larva.' Xander said. 'It's just, I heard the craziest thing when she was talking on the phone. Stop me if it's crazy, she's hired someone we know to dance. And the only person I could think of, was, please stop me...'
Xander paused.
'Giles. Which is ridiculous cause why would Anya want him and also when did he learn how to dance?'
'Xander, first of all, Anya does not want Giles in any way. Second, aren't you having a stripper at your bachelor party? Third, Giles is on the other side of the planet. Look, I'll talk to her and get the scoop. Now,' Buffy adjusted the axe she was carrying, 'can I please kill the Kurlashi demon standing behind you?'
******************
"I want a lover whose man enough, I want a lover who can do his stuff..."
'Holy Hades. What are you doing?'
'Uh, practising?'
Clem blinked. 'I had wondered if Buffy was into kinky stuff but this exceeds all I ever wanted to know about Slayer/Vampire mating rituals.'
"Oh Yeah, Do you like what you see here? Come on Come on Down..."
Spike stood frozen in the middle of the crypt. 'I've been hired to strip at Anya's hen's night.'
"I wanna lover who is PD Hot, I wanna lover who can rubba dub dub..."
Clem sat on the sagging lounge. 'Hmm, Ok. Let's see the routine again from the top.'
******************
'Not bad, not bad at all.'
Dawn bit down again into her latest culinary delight.
'Tara, do you want some?'
Tara leant forward and took a sample. 'Less burny parts this time. Always a plus.'
Buffy entered the kitchen. 'Ah, I see naked Dawn strikes again.'
'What?' Tara's said.
'Like the Naked Chef but with Dawn? Forget it,' Buffy picked a piece off the plate. 'Mmm, less burny parts this time. Always a plus.'
Dawn and Tara shared a smile.
'So Tara, has Anya told you what she's doing for her party?' Buffy asked around a mouthful of food.
'Not really. She asked me about a general non-violence spell, I guess she's inviting a few of her vengeance demon friends too.'
Buffy nodded, 'Right. No fuss, no muss.'
'Also, she said something about a spell preventing groping injuries but I thought was being, you know,' Tara smiled, 'Anya.'
'Groping? That kind of suggests there will be something to grope.'
Tara turned to rinse the plate.
'Maybe Xander was onto something.' Buffy frowned. 'He said Anya was organising a dancer...'
'A stripper!' Dawn squealed, 'Oh my god. I'm going to a party with a stripper. This is so cool. I have to ring everyone I know, right now.'
'Hold your hormones, Xander said it was someone we know. And don't think you'll be there for the performance anyway, Miss.'
Dawn pouted and stormed out of the kitchen.
'Ok, Xander's out by default. Giles, I can't see him flying back to the hellmouth for this. Angel can't dance. That only leaves-'
******************
"Kiss me love, Touch me baby, Come on come on down."
Spike stood panting unnecessary breaths when the song ended.
'Alright, your basic technique is good. However, I would like to see more hip swivels and let's face it man, the song has to go.'
Clem rummaged through a bucket of chicken before selecting a wing.
'I'd also like to see those pants come off.'
At Spike's alarmed look, Clem amended.
'What I mean is, Buffy can have what's underneath but you need some Velcro pants. Easy to rip right off at the end. Or middle. Or anytime the girls start howling for it, I guess.'
'Yeah, what makes you the expert?' Spike sneered.
'Four years of contemporary dance and two years as 'The Masked Zorro' at Night Pleasures, the demon exotic dance club.'
'Oh.'
******************
'Janice, you are never going to believe what's happened! You know my sisters friend Xander who's getting married? Uhuh. That's the one. No I don't have the hot's for Xander anymore. Eeew. That was a childish crush. No, Jordan Banks is so not my type. Is not. Is not. Is NOT. Anyway, will you shut up so I can get to the good part? I'm invited to her bachelorette party, and guess what? She's hired a stripper. Seriously, how cool is that? I mean, my lame sister reckons I can't go, but I so am. I might even pinch his butt. Ha ha, maybe even blow my allowance putting bills in his G-Sting. As if. No, Buffy can't stop me. You want to come? I'll have to ask Anya. Uhuh. Call you tomorrow, Ok? Bye.'
******************
Anya looked up from her counter. 'Hi Willow, how may I serve your magical needs?'
'Hey Anya, nothing magical for me today.'
Anya sighed in disappointment.
'But I'd really like to talk to you about your party.'
Anya perked up, 'Really? I have a few details I'd like to discuss with someone.'
'Well, I'm your man. I mean, Xander's your man. I'm your girl. Wait, I mean-' Willow took a breath, 'just think of me as a confidant.'
'Great. Take a seat. I'll be with you in a sec.' Anya walked to the front door, turned the sign to 'Closed' then approach the table.
'Did you just close the shop?' Willow said amazed.
'Yes, this is much more important than money. I can't believe I said that,' she shook her head. 'About my party...'
'Actually, as Xander's best man, shouldn't I be at his bachelor party instead?' Willow asked.
Anya face fell.
'Not that I want too, of course. I mean men, who needs them? Not me. Nope, I'll be with the girls, like a lesbian should be,' she concluded in a rush.
Anya overcome with joy hugged Willow hard. 'I'm so happy!'
******************
Xander hammered a nail into a wall.
'Hey man, heard your girl's having a pre-wedding bash.'
Xander turned to his co-worker, 'Yeah, Chris. Anya's having a party but so am I. There may even be cocktail wieners involved. You're coming, right?'
Chris shook his head, 'Yeah. Xander, this is serious. You know Kenny?'
'Yeah,' Xander replied.
'His chick ran off with the dancer two days before the wedding, dude! If I were you I'd put my foot down. Strippers are for men to enjoy, not women.'
'Thanks for the non-sexist yet Neanderthal advice, but I trust Anya,' Xander shrugged.
'Whatever,' Chris walked away.
'But just to be on the safe side...' Xander pull out his mobile and began dialing.
******************
"Hi, you've reached the Summer's household. Buffy and Dawn are busy fighting evil and can't come to the phone right now, so..."
'Hi Buffy. It's Xander here. Cute message. Um, I was wondering if you've maybe investigated that... demon thing we discussed the other night on patrol. You know, the, exotic one? With a penchant for gyrating at women for prolonged intervals? Ahem, if you can get me the info on the particular demon a.s.a.p. I'd really appreciate it. Especially if the rumors we heard are true. About it's identity, I mean. In fact why don't you call me, as soon as you get this message? I'm at work, so call my mobile...
*Beep*
