Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone…

Starfall: Oh, wait, that's not right… Never mind, I own it anyways!

J.K. Rowling: Actually, no, I do. I do believe that, as a cat, you don't even own yourself. You're simply part of Bumblekat's imagination.

Star: Ouch. That hurts. Okay, so I don't own Harry Potter. Hm, what about…

Warriors; Into the Wild…

Star: No, no, I may own that one, but it just doesn't fit.

Erin Hunter(s): No, we do! Get your own title, plagiarist!

Star: Fine, I don't own Warriors either. Happy now? Oh, I know!

Hairy Pawter and the Mystical Moonstone

Star: Well, it's not perfect, but it'll do! As the very hurtful female authors have above pointed out, I don't own half the plot, or any of the characters. No, just my crazy random brain…

Cast: (Note: This story will be organized like a script. Don't like, don't read. Anyways, they'll all be addressed by the first part of their warrior name in the script, but will call each other by their Hairy Pawter names in the story. This is a parody for a reason. Only characters from Sorcerer's Stone will be used. Character deaths are not acknowledged.)

Baby Hairy: Molepaw

Real Hairy: Lionblaze

Ron: Tigerheart (Written 'Tigerh.' in script)

Hermione: Dovewing

Malfoy: Berrynose

McGonagall: Mousefur

Dumbledore: Purdy

Crabbe: Breezepelt

Goyle: Smokefoot

Neville: Ravenpaw

Uncle Fernon: Darkstripe

Aunt Petunia: Fernpelt

Mudley: Cloudtail

Hagrid: Barley

Fred: Squirrelflight

George: Leafpool

Pansy: Ivypool

Ginny: Cinderheart

Lily: Sandstorm

James: Firestar

Sirius: Graystripe

Snape: Dustpelt (He used to hate Firestar and probably used to like Sandstorm on some level, thus the allegiance after he discovers Fernpelt.)

Flitwick: Daisy

Quirrel: Crowfeather (I don't know why)

Voldemort: Tigerstar (Written as 'Tigers.' in the script)

Pizza guy: Mousewhisker (Down as Pizza guy)

Enjoy!

*Curtain opens*

Sand: James! It's… him! He's here!

Fire: Take Hairy and run. I'll hold him off. Lily, I loveth thee!

Sand: *Gives confused look. Decides to stick to the script* No, he'll kill you!

Fire: Find thy trust in me and flee, fair Lily!

Sand:*Clearly thinking he needs to be knocked out and taken to a mental institution. Picks up 'Baby Hairy' and runs off stage*

Tigers.: *Struggles to read small print on script. Today was a bad day to forget his contacts in the Dark Forest* Alehomaro? *Door turns invisible* Yay! *Runs into the door. Receives a concussion* OW!

Aeolus: Yay! Someone watches the Olympian Weather Channel!

Tigers.: No, I ran into a door.

Aeolus: Dang it!

Star: *Clearly feeling strained by the inability of the characters to be competent* Tigerstar, its Alohemora. Aeolus, just- Just leave. No one watches your stupid show.

Aeolus: *Clearly ticked off, yet still complies*

Tigers.: Ooooooooh! *Pulls out big, thick, plastic-rimmed backup glasses. Reads script and does spell correctly* James Pawter, prepare to face thy doom!

Fire: *Jolts awake* Wha-? *Sees glasses* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! W-WHAT'S ON YOUR FACE? *takes picture on iPhone from nowhere*

Tigers.: Shut thy vile muzzle.

Fire: Yes, let us duel! Sectumsempra!

Tigers.: Ouch! You cut my face! Now my glasses don't work, you jerkhead!

Fire: Good. I just can't take you seriously with those things on your face. Hold on, I took a picture- Let me post it to Facebook… *Begins typing furiously*

Tigers.: Avada Kevara?

Fire: *Is dumped in warm, liquefied cheese*

Star: *Looks like she's experiencing migraine symptoms* Tigerstar?

Tigers.: Yes?

Star: IT'S AVADA KEDAVRA, YOU MORONIC IMBICLE!

Tigers.: Oh… *Does spell correctly*

Fire: *Impersonates French Fry and drags self slowly off stage*

Tigers.: Yay! *Eats a block of cheese*

Sand: What is it with you and cheese?

Tigers.: I don't know. I don't control the laptop.

All: *Turn to Starfall with questioning faces*

Star: *Shrugs*

Tigers.: Now, puny she-cat, stand aside and you may continue your miserable life.

Sand: Never!

Tigers.: Well, it was nice knowing you! *Does spell*

Mole: Ah! Mama!

Tigers.: Bye, little guy!

Mole: I don't think so, jerkhead! I know karate! *Beats up Voldemort while said dark wizard screeches like a newborn kit*

Tigers.: Gah! *Is destroyed*

Gray: No, no, NO! James… Lily… my… my best friend… he's g-gone…

Barley: Ther', ther', Sirius. I kno' yer sad, bu' we gotta keep on fightin' for 'em. I's what they'd wan', yer kno' tha'.

Mole: Uncle Sirius?

Gray: You should take him, Hagrid.

Barley: 's why I'm 'ere. Dum'ledore tol' me ter get 'im. * 'Hairy' falls asleep, 'Hagrid' borrows 'Sirius' bike, and 'Sirius' leaves, crying slightly*

*Meanwhile, at the Purrsley's*

Pizza guy: Uh, I have a delivery for the Purrsleys?

Dark: *Swears* Leave it on the step.

Pizza guy: But, sir, how will you pay me?

Dark: *Curses loudly* Fine! *Takes pizza and pays*

Pizza guy: Thank you sir. Have a nice- *checks watch, sees it's about 1:00 A.M.*- morning.

Dark: *Insert the Elder Swear here. If you don't know it, look up 'Wizard Swears' on YouTube. It'll come up*

Pizza guy: I think my ears just died…

Dark: *Sings Beat It by Michael Jackson. Badly*

Pizza guy: *Effectively traumatized*

Mole: *Appears out of thin air with a bag of potato chips* Hello!

Dark: Argggghhhhhh!

Mole: Why are you acting like a pirate? I signed up for a wizard movie!

Dark: You're my bratty little nephew, aren't you?

Mole: If I am, I'm ashamed to be related to you.

Dark: *Looks very mad* Ye infernal, puny kit, stopith thy tongue in it's flapping!

Mole: Uh, whaaaaaaaaat?

Dark: SHUT UP, YOU IRRITATING NUISANCE!

Mole: No thanks. Talking is just so fun…

*Curtain closes. The first act is complete.*

Star: Okay, so it's really not perfect. Whatever. I won't beg for reviews, but if you have something to say, go ahead and say it. Flames will be used to roast marshmallows, and to give heat and light to those who need it.

Fire: Wow, how nice!

Dr. Cox: And that is why I call you names like Carol, Jane and Sue, like Moesha, Kim, and Lily, and Susanna Betty Lou. You see, regardless of the names I think my feelings are quite clear, you're a pain on every day of every month of every year.

Music Lady: Dr. Cox, you gotta help me because I really am distressed, can't you find another option, won't you run another test?

Dr. Cox: If you want some kind of favor, really, any kind of favor, please just get me peace and quiet from this God-Forsaken pest!

J.D. : I think what my bumper buddy is trying to say-

M.L. : SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE, MARY BETH, OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL SHUT IT SOON!

J.D. : …

Dr. Cox: Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon. *shakes hands with Music Lady and walks away*

Star: *Sneaks out back door while Scrubs' "My Musical" rehearsals go on* Oops, forgot I rented out the theater. Whatever. I'll update soon, I promise!