Title: Dear Mulder
Author: DanaFuchs ()
Rating: K+
Spoilers: Elegy, Memento Mori
Keywords: Post Episode, Mulder Scully Romance.
Archive: Yes. But let me know where, please and keep my header and E-mail attached!
Feedback: very much desired!
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine... They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 and Fox. I'm not making any money with this and I'm not making any money any other way, so don't sue me, please... But you can always send Mulder over to punish me^^
Summary: Mulder and Scully deal with their emotions after she left the hospital after Season 4 Ep. Elegy
Author's Notes: Another short piece concentrating on the feelings of our heroes. I know, that there are much more fics dealing with this topic out there, but the idea has been going through my mind a lot lately, begging to be written. I hope you will enjoy reading! Let me know what you think!
Dear Mulder
Sighing, I lean back against the wall of the hospital hallway. I'm a total asshole, and I know it.
"I'm going home, Mulder." Her last words keep replaying in my head. The hurt in her voice seems to increase every time.
I sigh again and let myself sink down to the floor, wishing it would open underneath me and swallow me - just like the pain must be swallowing her.
I keep asking myself why I did what I did, said what I said. Being a psychologist I know why I did it, of course. Although I keep telling myself and her, that I would never hurt her intentionally, I just did. I hurt her.
I just wanted her to react. To show me, that she isn't dead already.
I remember holding her in a hospital hallway much like the one I'm sitting in right now not so long ago. How could I ever forget how good it felt to wrap my arms around her tiny frame, shielding her from all the evil in the world?
I hoped that she would allow me to hold her like that more often, that she would finally accept the comfort I was constantly offering her.
Instead she withdrew from me. In fact she never said anything about it again. It. We didn't even name the demon growing inside her. I wonder if she has any idea how much that hurts me.
I only want to be there for her. I feel so helpless. I feel guilty, too.
Scully said that it isn't my fault, that it wasn't me who planted that deadly parasite in her body, that it was *them* - and that it was her choice to stay with me. Intellectually, I know that she is right, that it wouldn't have mattered if I had done anything differently.
Emotionally, I'm drowning in guilt and self-hatred. I need to be there for her. For myself at least as much as for her - maybe even more. I need to be needed. It's the only thing that helps me keep the guilt at bay.
My nightmares are returning. Only that it's not Samantha anymore that is taken from me. It's Scully.
Sometimes she is taken by a dark figure which I can't recognize.
Sometimes she just walks away and leaves me alone with my guilt. My weapon has never looked as good to me as in those surreal hours of sleeplessness.
I actually put the gun to my head three times. But every time I closed my eyes to take one last deep breath the picture of me holding Scully in the hospital hallway appeared in front of my mind's eye and a small voice in my head kept telling me, that I couldn't leave now, that she needed me.
The thought of what will become of me when she is gone sends a shiver down my spine. I just can't sit here like this and wait for it to happen.
I have to do something. God knows I would do anything to save her.
But does she know? Does she realize how much I need her with me, that I'm lost without her?
She is the only true friend I have, the only one I trust, the only one who has ever made me. Not being able to help her makes me feel worthless again.
Have you ever told her that? My inner voice asks. No I haven't, but I should, I realize while getting up and walking out into the night.
