A/N: New story! AU story, probably a bit of a slow burn. Cosima's POV. I was sitting in a croquis class on evening, drawing a naked lady, when this idea came to me. I draw a lot myself and want to get into a school where I can get a degree in character animation, so I guess you can say that a lot of this story is based on my own experiences and everyday life at the school I want to get in to and the art environment that I have been living in these last 4 years. I try to explain how I think Cosima and later on Delphine could fit in to it all. Very PG for now, probably going to change in later chapters. Cover is my own artwork. Ideas, suggestions and critic is always welcome!
"We just don't get what happened. You used to show up every single day, pencil in hand and ready to work. I'm tired of giving you warnings. This can't go on. I'm afraid this will be your last warning." Mrs. S finishes with a concerned look.
"Yeah, sure, I get it." My answer is curt and I don't really wait before getting up, not wanting this conversation to continue.
"Cosima, you know if there's any problem at all, you can talk to me. All we want to do is help." Mrs. S tries to call after me, but I'm not really interested in any pity party right now. I do stop at the door though, in a vague attempt to see clear minded. A small part of me wants to turn around, wants to look her honestly in the eyes and tell her everything, but I can't, unable to even acknowledge to myself what happened.
"Thanks." I end up saying, a small sad smile crawling its way onto my lips. And then the door is closed and I'm on my way out.
Walking home, I can't help but to wonder what the hell will happen to my future now. Maybe I'll apply to a university to try and get that Ph.D. in biology that I always used to dream about. I heard some good stuff about the University of Minnesota. I could try to get a job, earn some savings, work things out. But I can't help this irritating pang pulling at my heart. I love biology, but the thought of giving up all this I have right before my feet is shattering. All my friends, my home, the school, the environment of a free and flowing art school filled with crazy, crooked and passionate people. The thought of giving up art seems absolutely impossible. It would be like having to amputate a limp. And what for?
I never really considered art much as a kid. Sure, I loved drawing from time to time as any other child does, but I was always more adventures, climbing trees and getting my knees scraped. In all honesty, I think most of my drive came from a fascination of the world around us. That's one of the reasons I always did so well in school, that type of curiosity and strive to learn new knowledge. I loved math and biology because it was subjects that simply made sense. You had rules and if you followed them correctly, you could only get a correct answer. That was the easy part. The fun part was trying to understand why certain rules were certain ways and why you couldn't bend them or change them. I always loved the challenge, the history behind it all, the explanation.
In many ways, I think the same thing happened in art. You have rules; if you follow them, you get an aesthetical beautiful piece. The fun part is understanding how and why thing are the way they are and how best to capture that. And when you have that skill, try to break the rules and bend them. Art, math and biology are in reality extremely closely related. That's also why when our middle school art teacher, Mr. Duncan, took an interest in helping me out through a rough patch, that it was so easy to be caught up in drawing and art.
We kept in contact all through high school, meeting in the afternoon, discussing different masters and their techniques. I would spend hours in our local library reading thick books about the art history, the works and the masters. Always ready for a good discussion. I was extremely fascinated by the renaissance and the baroque, the surrealists, pop art. The mixing of traditional with the surreal, the telling of tales. It was like an alternative universe I could escape into where no rules applied. It was freedom.
It was Mr. Duncan who first suggested attending an art college.
"It would be the perfect opportunity to get to work on your art, improve your skill. You have a talent, Cosima, now is the chance to do something about it." He told me one afternoon in the library as I was showing him some of my sketches. He was looking at me with a serious demeanor. It wasn't the first time he had said something like this, I just usually didn't take the bait.
"I'm not sure Ethan. I got like killer grades, man. I feel like I should do something about it." Too many thoughts were running through my head for me to figure everything out. Taking important decisions sucks when you're just a teen trying to deal with your own shit. "Everybody is telling me that I have the chance to become something bigger. To get somewhere with my life. Get a high education, a well-paying job. My mom is already planning out which house I should live in, how many kids me and my husband should get."
Mr. Duncan raised his eyebrow. He knew about me and my girlfriend Emi and about the other dozen of women I've been crushing over through high school.
"I know, I know." I replied, sensing his change and thoughts. "I think she's still in denial about that whole thing. I mean, I would think it's kind of obvious by now that some guy isn't exactly a part of my plans."
"Have you tried to talk to her about it?" Duncan asked. Fair question. I hesitated.
"It's just like… Look, I know my mom; I know she's going to freak! She's always so worried about everything, always want everything to be good, trouble free." My hands were moving around in exaggeration as I was speaking, my pace picking up. "She's not like my dad. He's always just wanted me to do whatever as long as I was smart about it and had a plan. But it's like my mom lives in her own head sometimes. Like this little bubble where girls and boys mean different things and where prince charming takes the girl away to get married in some castle and live happily ever after behind some white picket fence where they get two and a half kids… That's just not me..."
Duncan was quiet for a second, contemplating everything, before he looked at me and smiled calmly. Suddenly I wasn't sure if I should smile back or what, half worked up after my small speech, before he opened his mouth.
"I think you give her too little credit. Maybe if you sat down with her and had an honest talk, she might actually get the chance to surprise you." I just snickered in reply.
"Like that would ever happen." I said, venom in my voice.
"Tell you what, let's make a bet." He had a sly smile and was leaning closer in, fingers intertwining in front of his chest.
"I'm listening." I leant in closer as well, intrigued about where this whole thing was going. It was very clear he had some sort of plan, probably one I'm not sure whether I would like or not.
"If I understand things correctly then you might actually consider applying to an art college if it weren't because you don't want to crush your mother's dreams." He paused for a second, making sure I was nodding along. "I want you to sit down with your mother and tell her about Emi. Tell her about your own dreams and aspirations for your life. Come out to her. If you're right about your mother, you can choose to go the scientific and conventional way like she would expect of you." My eyebrows slowly began to knit together in concern. "But if I'm right and she actually does surprise you, I want you to look closer at the possibility of entering an art college." With a smirk still firmly attached to his lips, he leant back in his chair, awaiting my reply.
I knew I had to come out to my mother. Emi and I had been together for almost 6 months; it was really getting pathetic by now that I hadn't just told my parents. And while a part of me was completely terrified that this could go horribly wrong, a smaller but much stronger part of me really wanted her to surprise me, really wanted to be able to actually go an art college and follow my own dreams. Just the thought of it made my heart beat a little faster. And even though I was completely petrified, I think that feeling was the one that made me take the decision that I did.
"Okay, old man. It's a deal." While a confident smile spread on my lips, I could hear my head saying shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, over and over again, quickly regretting my decision but too involved and proud to give up now.
I guess it goes without saying that Mr. Duncan was right. Somehow he had managed to look at my mother and see how her love for me overshadowed her need for me to be a specific way. It turned out that it was barely a conversation, never a problem that I'm gay. And that's how I ended up enrolling in an art college, ending up in the mess I currently find myself in.
So no Delphine yet, just getting a tiny bit of background first. I'm probably going to play a bit around with jumping in time, but I promise that she is on her way!
