Okay, folks, bear with me! School's a bitch recently but since I don't want to stop writing stuff and posting it, I picked up this little project of mine that actually started out as a blog some time ago. It's short and to the pun(ch) so I can both slowly work on bigger projects and post at least one chap of this a weak, because it's relatively short and funny and all. This here crackfic covers all the crazy things in the Pokémon games- the overdone prof intro, the whole world seemingly (r)evolving around battling critters, the Syndrome of the Stalking Champion, what's up with Silver's hair and more and more and more! Now, let it all BEGIN! Muahahaha! Flame, review, just give me your opinion on whether to continue! Do tell!
Disssc-lamer: I own a pair of shorts that are comfy and easy to wear. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
Chapter UNO! Souls of Scrap and Hearts of Copper!
Of The Pedo Professor, the Crazy Neighbor Girl and the Awesomeness That Is a Nucking Futs Starter
One dark, stormy night when the destiny of the very world was about to be forged, along with fried burritos, mentos and the most sacred item beating all other Infinity + 1 items of them all- Ronald! McDonald's! HAAAAIIIRRR!
Anywayz…
"Yawn, huh, who are you?"
I should be asking the old geezer that. What's he doing barging into my house late at night? Huh? Late at night? Where's my bat?
"We live in a world full of Pokemon, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
Now while he's rambling, I can knock him out, tie him up and feed him to the Tentacruel in the nearby lake... And why the heck is he rambling things everybody knows about anyway? I've been living in this world for quite some time, figures I'd know what Pokemon are.
"Now are you a boy or are you a girl?"
Holy smokes, the old geezers not only a thief but a pedo-ursaring! Forget the bat, I'm going for the steel pipe. And heck, can't he see I'm male.? Gosh, old geezer guy's probably blind, too. Then again, he's a pedo-ring.
Steal pipe it is.
"And what is your name?"
WHERE'S THE FRIGGIN' PIPE?
I've to distract him some more, I guess. Till I find that darn pipe at least. Of course, there's no way I'm telling him my real name. Can't tell him I'm Ethan- Jimmy Gold/Heart, so I went for Snarky.
"Blah, blah, blah a world of adventure awaits you, blah, blah..."
AHA! Found i-
*KAPOW!*
Huh, why did the world suddenly go black? The heck! Old geezer guy knocked me out before I knocked out him. Still, I guess he just left, my clothes are still on. Phew, got lucky.
Went to get breakfast but my mother shoved me outside before I could even grab a bite. And what's with her calling me Snarky? She named me Ethan in the first place.
"Snarky's house"
THE FUCK?
After dealing with the neighbour girl (I think she's high or something again. Or maybe she's not quite right in the head) and her annyoing blue blob of a rat (the moment I get a Pokemon of my own, I'm frying that Maril for dinner) I went to see what the prof next door wanted. Poor guy can't get a girl so he buries himself in researching the mating habits of Pokemon. Still, no one's seen him doing any beastiary stuff. Yet.
...
Run that by me again? You want me to run an errand for you? Do I look like I care?
...
A Pokemon? Hey, that's cool. I guess I need one to fry that Maril. Cool. You've got a deal, 4Eyez Guy. Chose the Totodile. Named him Snapper. Lil guy's got one heck of a mean bite.
SUPER-EXTRA-SPECIAL-AWESOME NEWSFLASH! INTRODUCING!1! Starter and very first Pokemon on the team, Snapper:
"Why, 'ello dar, bitches! Da Dile's in da house so ya better not with mah homie, Snarky. Cause- lemme tell ya sumthin'- when Snapper gets angry… SNAPPER WILL MAKE YA SHIT BRICKS! *bitchslaps random Elm aide* That was for emphasis, bitch!"
Hell to the yeah, fistbump Snapper!
Beat up some wild Pokemon on the way to Cherrygrove. Lil guy needs to train so we could rip apart the Maril, yknow.
When I entered the town some old guy insisted I went on a tour round the place with him. Why'd I go with that geezer anyway? Get out of my...
The heck? How can he run so fast? Running shoes? Hey, gimme those, I want them! After chasing that *pant* old lunatic *pant* round the whole of Cherrygrove he *pant* gave me a new pair for myself. Without me beating him. *pant* Even better.
Trained some more for my ultimate revenge on the way to Mr. Pokemon's house. And what kind of stupid name's that anyway? He's obviously hiding from the mafia and Elm's into it, too.
...
WHAT?
Old Geezer Guy's there, too? It's revenge time, ya dipstick! Snapper, show him how you got your name!
"Lemme tell ya sumthin, Samuel MOTHEREFFING Oak, when you EFFF with mah homiez, Snapper's gonna EFFF YA BIG TIME!"
Wut?
A Pokedex? Well, bribes from the mafia aren't a good thing but hey, I can always take my revenge on you later, Old Geezer Guy. Mr. Pokemon gave me an egg to get to Elm. Guess it's some exotic omelette mafia stuff. On the way back, Elm phoned. Wanted my help, PRONTO! Again. They don't pay me enough for this. The heck, they don't pay me at all.
On the way back I bumped into some wierd red headed chick. Nice hair but, URRGH, she looks like a dude.
And then it talked.
THE FUCK! Dude looks like a lady!
Newsflash!1! Snapper's expert opinion on the situation:
"… Snapper is severely confounded!"
You heard it, folks! Anywayz…
You're calling me a wimp? Oh, your in for it now, mate! OHKO! Without a critical hit! How's that for a wimp! Plus, I nabbed his trainer card while he wasn't looking. I was checking for a credit card but, y'know how this stuff is. No time, the target's moving. Gave it back to him cause I had no use for it.
Turns out Chick-dude's the one that had stollen the Chikorita. Should've figured it out. If I had nabbed the poke ball from him instead of the trainer card, they'd all blame him! Told them he was named Silver. Even I'm not cruel enough to reveal to the police and the whole wide world that his real name is Ezekiel Mary-Ann Lipsky. Heh, Mary-Ann!
Stupid copper thought I stole the Chikorita. But out of all the people in the world, crazy neighbour girl saved me. Maybe she's that not bad after all. I guess I can be kind enough to only dismember her Maril and not fry it.
Then the Prof send me on an adventure. Guess he wanted me away so he could eat that exotic omelette alone. On the way out of town I met that Lyra chick again. She gave me some free poke balls (I like free stuff) and decided to show me how to catch a Pokemon.
... the fuck? You just jump up and down in the bushes. Why don't you show me again, at the rate of a normal human and not at the speed of a junkie?
"Watch carefully now, blah, blah, blah, weaken it, blah, blah..."
Ya bet I'm watching carefully, those are some hips ,baby!
"Kthxbai!"
WHAT? She ran away with the blue blobl- blabl, err, bleabr, uhm… blob! My revenge is ruined! Let's go, Snapper. Caught a Sentret. Named her Fluffy. Cause, y'know, she's all fluffy and stuff. And now, for the one and only Fluffy, second addition to the team!
"OH-EM-GEE!1! I'm, like, so psyched to be here with y'all! We're gonna be best buds and do everything together and have sleepovers and bake cookies and… *like, about 18 hours later* and when we're finally Champions I'm gonna settle down and have a family!"
"Snapper's brain activity has been hampered majorly… comprende?"
"KAWAIII~~ I want to bear your children *glomps aforementioned unfortunate Totodile*!"
"The EFFF? Err, wut the… no-no-NO! Private parts not- don't… Snapper is getting highly disturbed here! And lemme tell ya sumthin, ya won't like a highly dis- AARGGH! RECALL ME ALREADY!"
Okaaay….
Aha! A trainer to battle!
"Top percentage of all Ratatta!"
What the heck is he blabbering on so enthusiastically about? Maybe he knows some technique to psych up your Pokemon to super-powerful levels. Guess I'll give it a try.
Snapper, Scratch! Go, boy, you're in the TOP! FUCKINGG! PERCENTAGE! OF ALL TOTODILE!
"A Rattata? You're sending me out against an EFFFING RATTATA! Lemme tell ya sumthin, Snapper does NOT get send out against losers like this, get wut I'm saying? Y'know why? Cause Snapper's gonna make 'em cry! How, you're asking? Like this, BITCHES!"
*remember girls getting mind-raped in Evangelion, the chestbuster from the 80s and that one scene from Bakemonogatari that they had to show only in oddly colored silhouettes because the main character was literally getting swung around by his own guts? Well, this… this was worse*
Anywayz, OHKO. Without the help of a critical. Holy cow, this stuff works. Course, I'll give you my number, Joey dude. I declare you my eternal rival now! You're obviosuly super strong!
Finally reached Violet City. Learned that the gym leader's a Flying type specialist so I went out of my way to catch a Mareeeeep. Named him Sparky. Such originality. The surrounding world must be rubbing off on me.
SUPER-CRAZY-AWESOME-INTRO!1! Sparky the Mareep:
"Is this thing on? Err, ya sure? Oh, okay then! *smears Joker make-up all over his face, proceeds to talk to the camera, imitating the Joker's voice… in the most squeakiest falsetto you can possibly imagine* Why. So. Serious?"
*camera gets torn off, Snapper the Totodile's face fills the whole screen now*
"WHY SO SIRIUS? WHY, YOU ASKING? Lemme tell ya sumthin, bitch, this here team has only one alpha male and lemme tell ya sumthin, it ain't you! Get wut I'm saying or do I have to make myself more clearer?"
And so, the ragtag bunch of misfits, consisting of one severely egocentric human boy, his positively nucking futs totally crazy Totodile, a Sentret on a constant sugar high and one lunatic of a Mareep with a bad case of split personalities set of towards the sunset, in a quest for glory, bad puns, fame, money, cute girls and a whole lot of other crazy things.
Ta Bi Continewt…
