I – The first shot

.

Saturday evening, Katsuragi residence

"That. Fucking. Idiot!"

The girl hugged her pillow tightly and murmured the words into it.

It was not that the date was a catastrophe. Far from it. She had a quite good time, despite several minor snags; if she thought of it, it was better than most dates she had since coming here. She would not admit it, but it could even be the best one. Until it came down crashing around her head.

'Yay for my love life. Fuck me. People here are so… perverted and uptight at the same time, something I never thought possible, and to what a degree! He was… is… different. And now, even if I managed to force that idiot to take me out, he can't take the initiative for shit. And he apologises for everything including existing. Hadn't I stopped him, he'd apologise for apologising…'

She gritted her teeth and squeezed her eyes tight.

'Why, idiot-Shinji… why? Why can't you be like… like…' her thought process broke down.

Asuka Soryu Langley, mistress of self-sabotage and champion of mixed messages was trying to figure out what went wrong. Another subject, waiting patiently in the queue, was the decision what she really wanted.

...

The subject of Asuka's musings was laying in his bed, sleepless and staring at the familiar ceiling. His mind was full of confused thoughts; he felt many conflicting emotions: joy, confusion, slowly creeping panic, confusion, feelings of loss, confusion, guilt, and confusion.

Shinji Ikari, champion of social ineptitude and master of apologies, was trying to figure out where did he go wrong. Another subject, sitting quietly in the corner, was the question what Asuka wanted to achieve by her actions.

...

Previous Friday; school lunch break

"Hey, idiot. Got a minute?"

Shinji Ikari, addressed by Asuka in the manner he was used to, raised his head from the notes he was taking to look at Asuka's form looming over him and his desk. "Yeah? What is it, Asuka?"

"I've decided to help you out a little bit" she stated in her usual, confident voice. "Consider it a helpful gesture from a genius-level people person" she grinned.

"Help out?" he blinked. "You mean, with my classes?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, idiot. Raise your market value a little bit. Help you… nah, you'll see."

"O…kay?" Shinji was still showing signs of significant confusion. On one hand, Asuka offered help, even if he did not understand in what exactly. On the other, she was acting in her usual haughty and aggressive manner that made him uneasy.

"Great!" she leaned closer and lowered her voice; he reflexively reclined as much as the chair allowed him to and thanked the gods the school uniform did not have any cleavage. "You're taking me on a date tomorrow. Make it a good one and you'll be amazed by the results!" she grinned again, whirled in place, and went back to her usual lunch spot with Hikari.

Shinji was left speechless in his seat. 'Either this is some elaborate way for her to torment me… or I have just slipped into a parallel universe. Perhaps I should question Doctor Akagi on probability of something like that happening…'

He sighed, his head still spinning.

'Because no matter how low it is, it is still higher than zero. And I guess the chance of Asuka being genuinely nice to me is zero.'

...

Saturday

Shinji Ikari was not a stranger to taking risks; while he was not a person to take them recklessly, he was also not someone overly careful. Therefore, he was also no stranger to making mistakes and recognising them. And at this time, as his date with Asuka screeched to an abrupt end, he was painfully aware this was most likely one of his bigger ones.

He was just not sure why did it happen.

It did not start out that bad: once Shinji decided to take his chances, despite his brain telling him this is a bad idea and most certainly a trap, he planned the whole event and asked Asuka – first thing in the morning once Misato was out of earshot and off to work 'to deal with mountain of paperwork' – whether 4 p.m. was fine with her – and she confirmed.

First snag happened when Asuka emerged from her room, all dressed up for a date. Shinji, in his usual white-shirt-black-pants-polished-boots attire, had frozen in reaction to the sight. It was not that Asuka was overdressed – but he realised he never saw her in this particular dress before and she did look stunning. And he never saw her wearing proper, if delicate, make-up.

"Oi, idiot. Forgot how to speak Japanese?" she poked at him.

A more experienced person would most likely turn it to their advantage, quipping about "the wondrous sight rendering them speechless" or another cheesy, but flirtatious and engaging line. Unfortunately, Shinji Ikari could not be considered experienced in human interactions by any means of measure, even considering his age bracket.

Thus Asuka, after waiting for nearly a minute for the expected compliment, rolled her eyes and grumbled: "Ready to go? Or are you going to keep admiring me from across the room?"

Shinji shook himself back to consciousness. "S-sorry. Ready, let's go."

Asuka sighed. 'Well, it can go only up from this kind of start, right?'

Soon she was to realise that the proper term would actually be "uphill".

...

Second snag hit when Asuka realised what movie they were going to.

It was especially jarring after a hope spot provided by the dinner. The meal was a modest one, but Asuka was not a person that would expect Shinji to take her to an expensive restaurant; it was not the point nor the problem – the food was decent, and it was just the part of the date ritual. The fact that their conversation over the food felt a little bit forced in the beginning was only a minor nuisance that spoiled her mood for a relatively short time – she soon realised Shinji was a good listener, and she always had something to say on every subject.

"'Fantastic singles and where to find them'? What are you, stupid?" Asuka looked at Shinji with disappointment in her eyes.

"But… I thought…" he stammered out.

"A romantic comedy? Really?" she shook her head and sighed.

"If you don't like it, we can go see something-" Shinji slipped into his defensive stance.

"It's. Fine." Asuka replied, rolling her eyes. "Don't get worked up in knots."

Shinji turned away and mumbled something.

"If you're saying you're sorry, I am going to kill you right now", Asuka warned in irritated tone, ignoring his clenched fists. "Come, I don't want to be late for the trailers."

He did not move. She poked him in the shoulder blade. "Come, idiot. I'm giving y-it a chance."

Shinji took a moment to follow her; he wanted do make sure his tears were not visible. His thoughts went along the line of 'I'm giving her what she wanted, aren't I? What am I doing wrong?'. To that, he had no answer.

...

The killing blow came when they left the movie theatre.

"I was expecting a movie with such colourful title to be a little more… I don't know, creative?" Asuka mused. Her expression was difficult for Shinji to read at the moment. This probably came from the fact that he rarely saw her in mode different than 'angry' or 'indifferent'.

"Sorry", he reacted reflexively "I thought you would like it, it had good reviews, it sounded like a good idea for-"

Asuka turned to him abruptly. She opened her mouth and closed it immediately, her teeth clenching and eyes closing shut. She took a deep breath and released it slowly. "Never mind, I will survive", she muttered, opening her eyes. "What now?" she looked at him with cheer that most people would recognise as forced.

Shinji missed that little fact. "I-if you didn't enjoy it-" he tried again, his panic rising.

"Cut it, idiot. I'm fine", she insisted. "What now?"

"I…" Shinji's brain decided it was a good moment to go on full autopilot to weather the storm, which is, as any pilot would tell you, not the best idea. "I'm sorry, I-"

"Stop it" Asuka growled through her clenched teeth. For some reason she could not understand, her vision was turning blurry. "Stop being such a wet-"

Obviously, another "I'm sorry-" was the worst possible thing to say in this very moment. But it was also the first that came to Shinji's mind, still operating on autopilot. Thus, he said it without thinking.

Asuka's hand curled into claws and a series of emotions flashed on her face: anger, disappointment, exasperation, irritation, and finally resignation. She mumbled an angry "oh, fuck it, I'm done".

She then turned her voice to the sweetest and highest-pitched tone she could muster: "Thank you very much for the evening, it was lovely a date. But it's getting a bit late. I think I will head home now. See you, darling!"

She turned on the spot and walked out as fast as she could without running.

Shinji stood there alone for a long time before he sank on one of the couches, bereft of any will to move. People were passing him, paying him no attention. He only moved when cinema staff approached him to make sure he was still alive.

...

Shinji reached Misato's apartment late – he was in no hurry, after all – and noticed the familiar and dreaded smell: Misato was making dinner.

"Oh, hello Shin-cha-" she stopped in her tracks, seeing his face. "What happened? Are you all right?" she asked in concerned tone, rushing to him.

Shinji shook his head and averted her eyes. "I'm… fine. I think. I will be. Just a bad day" he replied, his voice just above a whisper. He sounded tired, even exhausted. "Is Asuka back?"

"Yes, she's in her room, she said she needed to study…" Misato replied, missing the small expression of relief on Shinji's face. "Are you sure you're okay? I made some dinner if you're hungry, I tried to go easy on spices…"

Shinji shook his head. "No, thank you Misato. I'll… I'll just go to bed early."

Misato nodded. She knew she should ask some questions, perhaps get to the bottom of things – but she was too tired to do that. The boy was somehow sadder than usual, yes, but didn't teenagers suffer from mood swings all the time? 'He'll be fine, I'm sure. Now, let's finish this damned diner, open the well-deserved beer, and poke Asuka that she should eat something, lest she never catches up with me!'

...

Later that evening

Asuka shut the door to her room and leaned against them. Misato's cooking was never good, but it was passable this time. Still, it was a far cry from the wonders Shinji created every time it was his turn to cook – which was most of the evenings.

But this time he was not even at the table. 'He said he was tired and apologised for not being able to cook or even be a good company', Misato said. Asuka stomach clenched when she heard that. She knew well there was far more to this than just 'tired'; she beat down a creeping feeling of guilt that slowly grasped her chest. Instead, she dug into the food, hoping that the pain and suffering caused by their guardian's cooking will turn her attention elsewhere. And it did – for a little while. She rushed through her evening routine, ignoring Misato drinking herself to sleep. And now, she was finally safe in her room, alone.

She realised a bit too late that it also meant 'alone with her thoughts'.

She sat herself at her desk and tried to distract herself, to calm her mind, to ease that feeling of guilt grasping her. A book she wanted to finish and return to Hikari. A manga she found funny just a few days ago. Some gaming magazine she bought yesterday. Still, her thoughts kept drifting to that scene: to her impatience, to his indecision, to her outburst, to his retreat, to her annoyance, to his indecision, to her mocking voice…

To his face. To his face that for a second looked like she had slapped him. The more she recalled that image, the more she felt like she kicked a puppy. A friendly, clumsy puppy that only wanted to be a good company, that for some reason could not be up to the task – but was doing his best…

She shook it off for a moment. She changed into the oversized t-shirt she slept in, removed the connectors with increasingly shaking hands, brushed her hair ineptly, and dropped onto her bed.

A sob shook her body and a sudden feeling of revulsion towards her own behaviour rose inside of her. She grabbed a pillow to muffle the sound and hugged it tightly.

"That. Fucking. Idiot!"