I began my day as I usually did, which was to say I woke with a start at four in the afternoon. You see, I'm different. If I told you how, you wouldn't believe me - not yet, at least.
I've got to show you. Close your eyes and relax. Concentrate on something really happy, like marshmallows. Then slowly sing the following incantation: Eye-em-a-foony-man-eye-em-a-foony-man...
Just kidding. I'll tell you. I tend to sleep. Like a lot. What's the average mortal...oops, I mean...how long does the average guy sleep for anyways? Maybe 7-8 hours, if they're lucky?
Not for me, maybe double that on a good day. Sleep gives me this comforting feeling, not like the energy most people replenish after a good nap, but something greater. After every nap, I feel like I could conquer the world. This has led to several incidents I'd rather not discuss in too much detail. They involved things like jumping off three-story buildings or lifting the neighbors car. Your first instinct right now might be to exclaim, "Wow!" I would be inclined to agree with you if the power lasted, but more than once I'd nearly been killed.
Oh, don't feel sorry for me. I like sleep and the great things it does for me. I'm probably the only kid you'll ever meet that doesn't beg his mother to stay up "for one more hour, just to see this really cool new monster truck TV show." It's not like I miss much - when I'm awake, others tend to become drowsy. I try and keep calm too because when my mood changes the people around me fall asleep.
I learned this the hard way one day when my mom had collapsed on our stove after I'd thrown a tantrum about eating my vegetables. Her hair had caught fire, and I'd stopped crying pretty quickly, my mouth gaping. She suddenly stirred, like she was coming out of a trance. Suffice it to say, burning down the house was not something I wanted to do too often. From then on, I tended to be a bit of a recluse. I never had many friends, and I was always afraid I'd hurt somebody. It's hard to control what I can do, and for awhile I didn't understand why it happened or how to prevent it.
Every time I asked why the other kids didn't carry portable pillows or emergency coffee shots, my mom told me to wait for my thirteenth birthday, "Everything will be clear then, honey."
I always laughed, as if there was some running joke I was supposed to get, "Like magic?"
Her reaction differed each time, but most often her expression darkened. Those times, I had no idea how right she was, and I wasn't the least bit prepared for what happened next.
If I'm as content as I say, you might be wondering why I'm telling you all this. Because things went bad...really fast.
