How To Lose A Wheelchair in Ten Days

Chapter One: Wanna Play a Game?

"Wanna play a game?" I looked over and saw Nadir cleverly arching his eyebrow.

"Excuse me?" I asked patronizing him in the kindest way.

"A game." He repeated in the same tone that I had just spoken in. "A computer." He stylishly produced a foreign object and placed it in front of me. "I have been giving them out to my friends and I love watching the amusing results."

"What the hell is that?" I asked, pointedly staring at the lasso in my pocket.

"A com-put-er." Nadir repeated slowly. "I already explained to you years ago I forged a time machine forged out of cheese and biscuits. Geez Erik, get with the times." I opened my mouth to speak, but he swiftly interrupted me. "Shut yer mouth bitchizzle." Looking at my perfect expression of discontent, Nadir giggled and high-fived himself.

"Oh I love the lingo of the 21st Century. It makes everything so easy for me." Sighing happily, Nadir quickly broke out of his reverie, and handed me a pigeon with a bundle of papers attached to it's neck. "Here is a list of instructions that will make your life so much more amusing."

"Right." I answered slowly, pretending that I didn't notice that Nadir was hiding behind a huge candelabra. "All right, let's see here." I muttered perusing the papers in a non-committal matter. In five minutes I had the alleged 'computer' up and running, because clearly I am a sexy beast, (although I like to keep these thoughts on the inside). Browsing through the alleged 'web' I searched valiantly for something that would catch my interest.

"Psst." Nadir stage whispered across the lair. "Go to a Phantom based chatroom. Oh the tortures they teach!" He let out a new wave of giggles.

"Well sure, why not." I shrugged and easily found the alleged chatroom. "Hmm, make a username. how about just Erik?" I mumbled as my skeletal fingers adeptly passed over the alleged keyboard. "All right, and I'm in." I pronounced as there was some not so subtle sniggering from the corner.

Welcome Erik to chatroom 666. As in Lot 666. Get it? Do you get it?

MsDaae: No! When Christine's dress straps kept falling down in PONR, it CLEARLY symbolized her vulnerability to the Phantom.

MCrawfordness: IT'S ERIK DOUCHEBAG!.

Erik: Oh god.

GBphanatic: Hey Erik! starts giggling uncontrollably Is Erik your Giggle real name? Squee MARSHMALLOWS!

Erik: Unfortunately yes.

PhanPhrenzy: LykE OMG! Ur nME IS LYke EriK? Lyke GbUTler Erik OMG I'm like SO HYPERVENTILATING...I love GerryBOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111

GerryBoy: Why thank you PhanPhrenzy.

Erik: You. all. are. sick. And who is this alleged Gerry Boy?

FOpssuck: WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHO GERARD BUTLER IS??

MCrawfordness: He sucks that's who he is! Viva la Crawford!

MrsOG: Sit down let me explain something so glorious to you that it will take hours...GERRIK IS SO LIKE HOTT AND STEAMY AND LET ME TELL YOU-

Erik has just left the chatroom. Hastily might I add.

Now that was scary. I ran a shaky hand through my strand of luscious hair, and wondered what would happen if I sneezed.

"I don't think computers fit me. This is all too strange for my sophisticated sense of style." I thought out loud, waiting for Nadir to stage whisper something new. When nothing happened, I looked around, and noticed that Nadir had disappeared. "Yes." I nodded solemnly, and looked back at the computer and noticed that an alleged IM had popped up on the screen.

SlashMe: Hey, are you Erik as in ERIK?

Good God. Who are these people? SlashMe? I have to wonder about the sanity of these 21st Century people.

Erik: Yes, I am Erik.

SlashMe: Wow. Do you read fanfction? Or Phanphiction?

Erik: Good Lord, I can safely say no, because I have no idea what you are talking about.

SlashMe: In case you can't tell I'm chuckling right now. Click on this link! OHyouwilllovethis.

Well there can't be much harm in this. Clicking on the link, I eagerly devoured the words, until I actually read what was happening.

Erik strode along his lair, power seeping from every inch of his body. He was a dominant virgin and Raoul knew it. Especially because he was tied up.

"Take off my leather pants Erik." Raoul wheedled painfully. Grabbing Raoul's heart-shaped ass Erik heaved his aching, weeping man meat into Raoul's-

Erik's computer suddenly had a lasso wrapped around it's monitor and it crashed to the ground.