I don't know how I got here. I am sixteen years old, living in Hartford, Connecticut. Last year I lived in Geneva, Switzerland. Weird. My dad was head of Dugrey Enterprises, the European division. I've lived in Europe for most of my life, but this year my parents decided that we should settle down and be a family. I know the real reason behind this though. Dad just wanted to take up residency so he could run for Congress. He won and now we are even less of a family. Dad's in D.C. all the time and Mom is so preoccupied with her career as a journalist that I never see her. She's always locked up in that study of hers.
Supposedly my lack of parental figures can explain where I am right now. Laying down next to Alex Ryderstan, naked. He's sleeping and well I'm thinking about why I'm here. His arms are wrapped tightly around me, cradling me next to his chest.
This is interesting. Most people at school would assume that I am sleeping next to my boyfriend Joe Wexler. Obviously that's not the case. This arrangement I have is interesting. Alex Ryderstan. I honestly wonder how many girls have slept next to him. He definitely lives up to his synonym of the King of Chilton. My mom said that Dad used to be called that. It's funny how things turn out.
If people knew that Alex and I were sleeping together, I have no idea what they would do. The Dugrey-Ryderstan feud is infamous throughout Hartford. I was introduced to it two weeks ago. I don't even know the details. It happened a long time ago and I'm not even sure that anyone knows what they are fighting about anymore. I guess that's what timeless feuds are for.
Alex interrupts my thoughts as he stirs, "Mary, are you awake?" he asks in that sultry, morning voice he has. God, that's how I got here.
"Yeah," I reply, turning into him.
I face him. "You're beautiful," Alex sighs, running his hand through my hair. I love that feeling.
"I thought we said no compliments." I'm mean. He's just trying to be nice to me.
He shifts his body and looks up at the ceiling, no longer at me. Frustrated he groans. "Mary do you know what you do me?"
"I bet you say that to all the girls."
"I don't. You know that." Why is this so hard? He's never out of my head. He's never not present. He's there. Knocking on my heart, telling me that's it okay if I fall in love with him. I can't fall anymore. It's not worth it. Someone always gets screwed in the end.
I get out of the bed, not responding to anything he has to say. I slip my underwear on, then my skirt. My bra gets hooked into place then I button my blouse. I look for the familiar blue blazer on the floor. There it is. I put my arms through the fabric. Clothes never stay on when I'm at Alex's house. Except for maybe the first month.
"We have school in thirty minutes. I'm going to get going."
I hear him mutter under his breath, "Leave like you always do."
Pretending not to hear him, I exit the way I came in: the bedroom door. Most affairs leave through windows or back doors, but I leave through the front door. It's kind of weird.
My car is sitting in the expansive driveway of the Ryderstan house. His house is a lot like mine. Big, imposing, and way over the line of necessary. I've never lived from just necessities. When I was younger Mom would tell me stories about the shed she grew up in. A one room shed. That's so different from today. Now I live in a big stone mansion that is almost frightening. It frightened me when I first looked at it. Was I suppose to live in that? No. I don't live in it per se. I more or less inhabit it. I hate being there. I get out as much as I can.
In my car, a Mercedes convertible (Dad decided I needed a "suitable" car), I straighten out my appearance. I always walk out of Alex's room disheveled. Searching my school bag I find chapstick and a brush with a hair band wrapped around it. First I apply the chapstick, then I brush my hair. I put my hair up in a simple, classic ponytail. I look presentable to the world. Hopefully Joe won't notice. He won't. If he does I'll just tell him I woke up late. He'll buy it. He always does.
Drive out the driveway I tell myself. It's hard to tell myself to leave. I know he's watching me from his bedroom window. Inspiring it is. I move the shift into gear and drive. Five minutes to school.
Tired I pull into my designated spot for junior class president. I still don't know what inspired me to run for the position, but I did and won. I did not even know any of the kids. I had only been at the school for four months and I won. I postulate that it has something to do with my name. It's funny how something as simple as that can get me something.
There goes my cell phone, ringing like it always does. Who ever invented these horrid things seriously has something coming to them. No one likes these. We all have been told by big business that we cannot live without them. Well we can't. Now look at the dilemma we are in.
"Hello?" I answer slightly annoyed.
"Mary where are you?" Mom. One noun can answer everything. What does she want?
"At school. Where else would I be?" I reply sarcastic.
She doesn't say anything for a moment. I think she is surprised at my lack of respect for her. "I did not here you come in last night," she states simply.
"Oh well I spent the night at Hannah's," I lie through my teeth.
"Really? Well I called there and she said you weren't there."
"When did you call?" I ask alarmed. She can't be suspicious.
"Nine. Why?"
Great, an opportunity. "That explains it. I did not get to her house till nine-thirty. I was at Joe's till then."
"Oh okay," she pauses again, trying to find a fallacy in my answer. She doesn't find one.
"Will I see you tonight?"
"I don't know. It's Friday. Joe has a game and he probably wants me to go."
"Your father is coming home tonight and he wants to see you." She always says that the day before the weekends. I think he shows about one out of every ten times. He promises things he can't keep.
I laugh slightly. "Yeah well I might not be able to make it."
"Okay." She's hurt. I can tell. I can't take this conversation anymore. I hang up.
Exiting my car, I approach Chilton Academy. Both my parents went here and their parents before them and I think their parents too. I don't know. All I know is that the people I come from have a long line of history at this place. Mom calls it hell. I understand where she's coming from, but then I think about it and she had a lot happen to her from coming here. Most of its positive too. She got into Yale because of this place and she met Dad, but I don't know if that would be something that if Mom had perspective on she would classify in the good column.
Tristan Dugrey caused a lot of problems in my mom's life. From what I've been told and overheard, they met in these very halls. Supposedly he teased her mercilessly and fell in love with her when he was sixteen. Mom has a different story. She never even gave Tristan Dugrey a second thought. Rory Gilmore knew that all he wanted was to get into her pants and that was partly true. Although down the road I think it became more than that. They had one kiss in high school at the piano bench of Madeline's party. Mom ran away crying. Dad was heartbroken, but he didn't give up. He fought for her. That was until he got shipped to military school for pulling some stupid shit. He should have stayed there. They never reformed him. But he got reformed for a while.
They met up again in college. Yale to be more precise. Mom loved that school. Dad saw it as a path to the inevitable doom he had of leading Dugrey Enterprises into the next century. There was a party and they found each other from across the room and I guess you can say the rest is history. But it wasn't exactly easy for them, but I can get into the details at a more opportune moment.
I go to my locker, open it and take out the necessary books, binders, notebooks, etc. It's the same every day. It never changes. I even have a routine worked out. In the morning, then lunch, then the final stop after school. My binders are organized in the order of my classes so it's easy access. Everything is simple. I wish it was.
"Hey baby," I hear. Joe.
I turn around after taking a deep breath. "Hi."
He slides his arms around me. Not for the first time, I notice they aren't as comfortable as Alex's. "How are you?"
"Okay," I reply sullenly.
He looks into my face with those blue eyes he has. "You don't look it."
"Thanks," I say sarcastically.
"What? You don't," he states as a fact. I hate boys. Okay maybe there's one I don't, but I hate them. The blindness they possess.
I get myself out of his grasp. "I had a rough night."
"It's obvious." He wants to fight with me.
I groan. "Joe I'm not going to do this right now." I start walking away from him.
His hand grabbed my wrist, "What do you mean you aren't going to do this right now?"
"Exactly that." I pull my wrist away from him. "I don't want to fight with you."
"Fine." He walked away from me. He always does that. He avoids confrontation. Sometimes I hate it, but what can I do? I can't make him talk about things that he doesn't want to.
Everyone saw that. Something for the Chiltonites to gossip about. Might as well give them something to do. It's better than nothing. For one day I don't want them to talk about me. I always hear it. When people gossip they don't think that you can hear them, but you do. You know exactly what they are saying. "Joe and Mary are having problems again." "You remember what happened last time?" "She dumped him at that party and he ended up sleeping with Elaine Reggar." "I know. Obviously she's not keeping him satisfied." The whole school thinks I'm still a virgin. There is only one person who knows differently. Alex. It all comes back to him doesn't it? As much as I deny it, it does.
Why? Why? There's no reason. The whole point of our relationship is so we can get our frustrations out. It started in October. We had to come up with a theme for the fall dance. He's student body president. We ended up having the duty imposed upon us. It's funny. Anyway, he started asking me questions about Joe and I. Then he made this conclusion.
"You and Joe have no passion when you're together," he stated.
I scoffed. "Where do you come up with this?"
"It shows. Your eyes lack something. There's nothing there."
"You're crazy," I exclaimed. I walked towards my vanity. I began fiddling with the books on my desk, barely looking at the titles.
He inched closer to me. "I'm not." He brushed his hand against mine. I looked at the mirror. There he was. His eyes staring back at me. Those dark brown eyes penetrating my reflection. The strong jaw outlined his light skin color. You can't really get tan in Connecticut. His black hair showed the dark contrast in his face. It was soft and messy. I still can remember the look of him. He wanted to take me right there. To show me the passion that I obviously lacked.
His hands moved to my neck and began lightly brushing my skin. My white collar shirt had two buttons open and my skin was exposed to the air and to him. I turned towards him. I could not stand the way he was touching me without telling him I didn't appreciate it. "Don't do that." It felt too real. I had never experienced something like that. With Joe it had always been clumsy and rough. Never soft nor electrifying. It sounds like a romance novel, but it was. Alex was seducing me.
"Why?" he asked simply. It was so much more than simple
"Because," I didn't know what to say.
He placed a piece of my hair behind my ear. "Exactly. No response. Maybe this time you'll be speechless." He kissed me. It was soft at first, then it became demanding. I only had kissed one person before Joe and it was never like that. Joe usually begged for entrance while Alex just penetrated into my mouth. He tangled my tongue with his and I was lost. I had no words. He was right. He made me speechless.
Unattaching his mouth from mine, he brought his voice to my ear, "Speechless." Then he left. He walked right out my bedroom door.
It started like that. One kiss that blew my mind. It seemingly shattered my existence. I was treading on glass before, but that one moment shattered it. After he left, I felt my lips and something inside of me wanted to recreate what just happened. I wanted to be kissed like that for the rest of my life. I didn't think that could be possible. But now, every time I kiss him, touch him, it's like that. It's like I'm bursting from all parts of my body. It's a feeling I can never recreate with anyone else except for him. He makes me feel insane things. Things I will never feel with anyone else but him.
I told him that too the next day.
At school we had a lunch student government meeting and I had to talk to him. I waited because I knew he would be the last one out. He always was.
Briefly he spoke to Paul, his vice president, then it was just him and I in a room with no one else there. I don't think he wanted to acknowledge me. Maybe he wanted to pretend like nothing had happened. But if he felt an ounce of what I had felt then he would not be able to ignore it.
"Alex." He turned to me. I got his attention. I saw his eyes and realized there was no going back.
"Mary, what can I do for you? Is there anything wrong with the junior class that I should be aware of? Or is this a social call?" He was being sarcastic. I hate when he's like this.
"You know what this is about." Nothing. I should have expected that. "Yesterday, in my room, what was that?"
"A demonstration," he declared. His mode was businesslike, as if we were talking about what soda we would rather have in the cafeteria.
"Of what exactly?" I demanded. I needed to figure it out. I hate having things unorganized and undecided. It's annoying.
He gave me a straight a look. "I have a proposition." I didn't say anything. "You are unsatisfied in your relationship with your so-called boyfriend and I am willing to pick up the slack. You can keep your relationship with him, but I'll be fun for you. An escape if you will."
"What do you get out of this relationship?"
"The satisfaction of knowing that when you are kissing him you are thinking of me."
A thought popped into my mind. "Are you attracted to me?"
"Would I be propositioning you if I didn't?"
"Okay, rhetorical question. Are you saying that we would be friends with benefits?"
He smiled, "Something like that, but when have we been friends?"
I looked away from him. He always has to make jokes like that. I get back to business. "If I agree to this I want you to know that I don't want any emotions involved. I have enough emotional problems as it is and I don't want to have to deal with that."
"Understood."
"So this means you can't give me any compliments or anything of that nature," I continue.
"I can deal with that," Alex shrugged.
"Good."
"So I guess this means we have a deal?"
"I haven't set anything in stone yet." I crossed my arms across my chest.
He laughed, "What else do you desire your highness?"
"I want to know what you expect of me."
"What I expect of you? Well Mary, obviously you are still a Mary, but I am hoping to add a Magdelene to it." He noticed the shocked look on my face. "Of course that knowledge would only be privileged to me."
"What if I don't want to be a Magdelene yet?"
He laughed again, "Believe me after a few weeks you will be."
"What if I'm not satisfied by you?"
"What if I'm not satisfied by you?" he countered,then he continued, "After yesterday, I think you know that I won't be unsatisfying. After all, I am the king." His arrogance is nothing if not grand.
I took a moment to take this all in. He wanted to solely have a physical relationship with me in secret. Who would have thought that Alex Ryderstan found me, Mary Dugrey, attractive and worth his precious time in the sack? I never had sex before then and honestly I was not planning on it anytime soon. I knew that eventually Joe would become impatient and perhaps that would be the deciding factor in our relationship, but Alex wanted me for the sole purpose of sex, but I had never experienced it before. And Alex wanted my first time to be with him? He wanted to be the first one to "deflower" me as Grandma would call it? It did not make sense, but he was standing in front of me, making that possible agreement with me.
Being me and wanting to make a change in my character, I responded, "Okay. I'll do it."
"It's not like you're signing your life away or anything, although that could be a possibility." Sarcasm always, but then he continued with the subject at hand. "Good. See you later, Mary."
He left the student government room and roamed the hallways.
Sitting down in my first period class at the desk I had occupied for the whole year, I am still thinking about it. How could I do that? Mary Dugrey would never make a deal to have sex with someone that is not her boyfriend. My times have changed.
The bell rings and first period starts. The droning voice of Mr. Yeager drones on and on. I don't even know what he is talking about. I think I just heard Theodore Roosevelt, there's one note for today, most likely all I've done.
Why is this happening to me? Normally I perfectly fine about my life and the way I live it. I go to school and get good grades. All A's just like my mom. I don't let my personal life get in the way. Never has Alex invaded the way I go about my daily life. He's there and I get along fine. He's like the cherry on top. The rest of my life is the ice cream and chocolate sauce. Wow, weird analogy. Being with him makes me happy, but miserable.
There's a battle going on inside of me. Neither side is winning. One part of me wants to be happy and Alex does that, but another part is sense and that I am cheating on my boyfriend and betraying my family. It's so much. Sometimes I wonder if I broke it off with Alex, would life be easier? Would it be easier to get along? Would my sense side finally win and everything that's right would fall into place?
People assume that being rich and having a certain name makes your life easy. It makes being a part of life easy, but it does not make living life easy. We still have all the same problems as the rest of the world. Sometimes I think the difference is, is that eyes are on us. Everyone is waiting, watching us to fall. I'm falling and there's no one to catch me. It sounds conceited and I know that people have life much worse off than me, but right now I can't be me.
I'm two people. One person with Alex and other person with Joe and my family. I don't even know if I can them my family. Anyway, I'm divided down the middle and it seems as if there is no way to mend me.
Signaling the end of first period, the bell rings. How life is signaled by a bell.
"Mary, hey!" Hannah's bubbly personality identifies me in the hallway full of blue uniformed students. The mask comes on. "Hannah," I hug her once she approaches me.
"Sweetie," she takes perfectly, manicured hand, "I heard about your fight with Joe."
"Ah and here it comes," I knowingly say.
"What's going on?" she asks seriously. She begins leading me down the hallway to our second period together, English.
I look down at her. Her short stature was never reassuring and I knew she wanted answers. That's the least my best friend deserves. Lately all she's been doing is covering my ass and she doesn't even know why.
"He told me that I looked bad and I kind of took it personally and told him I did not want to fight with him."
"Well you should have because no guy should tell you that you look bad. It's like a code or something, okay?" she rubbed my shoulder.
"Thanks. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but sometimes I feel like I'm not a good girlfriend or something. I don't know. I wish that sometimes it was easy, you know?"
"Boys are never easy. I know this is your first relationship and it has been a long one, I mean seven months, come on, but I think you need to be single for awhile. You need to meet different people."
Is she actually saying that I should break up with him? Wow, new revelation. "I need to tell you something." Something possessed me to tell her. I have to tell some one. It's been four months. I can't keep it in forever.
I look around and see if anyone is around us. No one. For safety purposes, I pull her outside into the courtyard. No one is around and this way I can tell her and she can react anyway she wants too.
"You need to sit for this," I direct her. She takes my suggestion and sits on the stone bench.
I sit beside her. "Hannah, I didn't tell you this because I didn't know how you would react, but okay well you know Alex Ryderstan, right?"
"Yeah, he's student body president and the unrequited King of Chilton, why? Do you have a crush on him or something?"
I give her a weak smile. "I've been sleeping with him," I tell her bluntly.
"I suspected something," she states, with nothing after it.
"What?" I ask incredulously.
"You've seemed weird for the past few months. I can't pinpoint the exact time, but you shifted. You use to be innocent and totally naive and now you're different. I don't know how, but you're different. You're negative half the time and you're always staring off into space thinking about something. I didn't know what you were thinking about, but now I know that you are thinking about sleeping with Alex."
How does she do that? This is why she's my best friend. "Oh Hannah, I have no idea what I am going to do." I bury my face in my hands. I can't do this anymore.
"First, we need to get to second period. Second, you need to sort out your feelings for Alex. Do you want to just be friends or be more? No more of this friends with benefits crap. Third, you need to break up with Joe because you are too instable to have a relationship with him. Fourth, you must get a big carton of ice cream and watch love stories all night and realign yourself with reality. Okay?"
"That's a lot. Do you think you can write it down for me?" I ask. I know it sounds sarcastic, but seriously I cannot think straight right now.
She looks at me with her eyes, trying to emphasize what I am going through. She's too nice to do this all for me. Reaching into her backpack she pulls out a notepad and a pencil and writes everything down. She rips it out and gives it to me.
"Mary let's get the first thing off this list and get to second period." Taking my hand she leads me through the rest of the day, not letting me stray from my objectives.
Second item on the list. I look down at the yellow paper with blue lines and see "sort out feelings for Alex." Tough. Sitting in my room I realize that I need backup. There is no way I can solve my problems with only my head, which is completely incapable of logically thinking things out.
Immediately, I head towards the front door and get to my car. Star's Hollow. Grandma lives there and she will definitely help me out with this. It's funny. Everyone else in my family is really screwed up. The only two people that I classify as sane are Grandma Lorelai and Grandpa Luke. Most people would say that this classification is irrational, but not in my perspective. There are the two people I know that are in love and Grandma has enough relationship experience to help me out. Mom would have no idea how to respond to this situation. On that note, I know Grandma would not approve of my the place I've put myself in right now. Damn, I have to play the whole I have a friend and I need advice card. Ah, I hate that.
Frustrated I shut my car door loudly. Then I head down the path to Star's Hollow. I'm not that close with Luke and Lorelai. I see them on holidays, when the Dugreys aren't keeping us at their humble abodes, but overall I don't really see them. When I do though, there's always a cheeriness and comfortableness about them. I can talk to them, even if I don't have much of a relationship with them
I come to the house that I've rarely seen in my sixteen years of existence. My mom comes here a lot. I think it's because she has so many problems with Dad and she only feels comfortable talking about them with Grandma. I never know anything. All I can hear the fighting that both of them try to hide from me. Always out of the loop.
Hesitantly I knock on the door. I should not be nervous. I am only going to see my grandma who loves me very much. Deep breath.
I hear the sounds of high heels clicking on the hardwood floors of the Gilmore-Danes home.
Grandma answers the door. I see her dark brown, almost black hair in it's wild wavy hair style. Slowly are the signs of agedness coming with creases and wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. Fashionable as always she's wearing a chunky sweater and jeans that most fifty-seven year olds could not pull off. "Mary?" she asks stunned with her arms across her chest. She's shocked to see me and I don't blame her, but she also looks slightly angry.
"Hi, Grandma," I say weakly.
"Don't act innocent with me girl." Now I know she's mad at me. I have no idea what exactly she is mad at me for though.
"What?"
"You know what I am talking about! The way you treat your mother is not right. She tries so hard to be a part of your life and you just throw it in her face. You have absolutely no respect for her and unless you apologize I am not letting you into my house."
"I don't understand."
She shakes her head. "I am not going to take that innocent act from you. Rory calls me everyday about how she doesn't know you and how you blow her off when she wants to spend time with you and how you lie to her all the time."
I cannot believe that she is saying that! She doesn't even know me. "Okay, I come here to talk to you about something that doesn't even have to do with Mom and you tell me how horrible of a person I am. I know Mom doesn't know me, but now I know that even the one person I feel comfortable going to doesn't."
I walked away. Emotions are running through me. I can't think straight. All I know is that Loral has decided that I am a horrible person and that I am not worth the time of day to deal with. Ahh! I am so frustrated.
I get into my car and drive. Tears are falling down my face and my hands aren't fast enough to push the tears away. They're falling and I can't stop them.
Somehow I'm back in Hartford following a familiar road I have taken a lot over the past four months. In five minutes I'm right outside Alex's house, sitting in my car, trying to figure out what I am going to do. I'm not following Hannah's list. Oh well. I never really was one for order and preciseness.
