The Pattern of Grief

Prologue :

~ Child in the rain ~

It was a dark stormy night, clouds shrouding the land in a black haze, thunder shaking the earth. Every once in awhile, lighting would pierce the air, giving a brief moment of light to a town nestled deep in heart of Virginia. The rain was heavy and warm, and the sky seemed to almost be sobbing, never once calming down. It was like this for hours, flooding streets, the howling wind making the trees come alive and dance.

At one point, a power line gave out and snapped, making the night even gloomier as city lights diminished. A group of city electricians went out to investigate, not minding the lingering danger of the storm. An off white chevy truck with mud plastered on the outside came to a stop a few feet away from the accident, and 4 men hopped out, hoping to alleviate the situation.

One of the men, a taller, bulky man in his mid forties walked over to the left side, examining the breaking point of the pole. As he made his way over there, he stopped dead in his tracks, gasping in disbelief.

"Aaron! Come look at this!" He screamed to one of his coworkers.

All of them ended up rushing over there, all shocked at what lay not a yard away, at the edge of the woods behind them. A little girl, slumped over in the mud and grass, hair as white as snow. She made soft noises, almost like a smothered cry, shaking, soaked to the bone. All the men rushed over to her, one of them picking up his phone and dialing 911.

She was young, no older than 5, and how she managed to be in a storm like this without getting herself hurt or killed was amazing. One of the men took off his coat and wrapped it around, attempting to ask her what her name was, but to no luck. She just sat there whimpering, bright blue eyes full of fear. Soon the police came, and swept her up, whisking her away to much needed shelter.

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I tapped my pencil on the edge of my desk impatiently, my other hand tucked underneath my jaw in an attempt to seem interested in the topic at hand. My brows were furrowed in frustration, lips pursed.

We were six months in to my first year of college, and I expected to be more excited to be finally getting my life into shape. But that couldn't be farther from the truth, at least in this moment. We were learning about the fundamentals of psychology, and I was so bored that I could fall asleep just like that. But I wouldn't let myself, knowing full well how hard it took me to get here. Plus the tuition was coming out of my bank account, and I couldn't afford to flunk a semester.

"Astrid," my professor, a mousy old woman with an apparent hatred for millennials, called out. "Can you give some insight on this discussion?"

Discussion? What were we talking about again?

"Ehem.." she cleared her throat, expecting and answer.

I straightened up, glancing down to look at my notes, which I then realized I hadn't taken any. Shit.

"I, ugh," I could see the eyes of the entire class look over at me, and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. "Im not.." I trailed off, at a lost for words.

"Well, it seems someone hasn't been paying attention. I would advice you to start now, with mid terms coming up. Lord knows you'll need all them help you could get.." she rolled her eyes, turning back to the black board behind her. I could hear the giggles of some on my classmates, and I shrunk back into my seat.

"Nice going.." I familiar voice whispered to me, and I looked to my left to see my best friend Janae gawking at me, clearly amused by the situation. I was not. I scoffed at her, turning my attention back to the professor, gathering whatever information I could for the rest of the period.

The end of class came, and I sulked out of the room, thankful it was the last one of the day. And, it was Friday. Most students would be going to parties, but I wanted no more than to go to the solitude of my apartment and hide in my bed.

I strolled down the halls, not paying mind to anyone, and as soon and I made it outside campus, I heard Janae calling after me. I stopped, looking in the direction of her voice. She hurried up to me, smiling, and snaked her arm into mine.

"Hey there. Any plans tonight?" She squeaked, her dark brown hair falling in her face as she walked besides me to my car.

"Not tonight," usually I didn't mind doing whatever she had planned, whether it be a party, the movies, or a simple night in with ice cream and was my roommate after all. But tonight, I was just too worn out to do anything. "I'm just going home."

"Aw, bummer. I could cancel my plans with Carly if you want. Hang out with you instead." Carly was her friend she met here. I was always jealous of her. I'd known Janae since we were mere children, yet Carly seemed to have more of a importance to Janae than I did.

"No, it's okay. You don't have to." I lied, pulling my keys out of my pocket and unlocking my car. I had a Nissan Pathfinder. As old as it was, older than me even, it was reliable, and sturdy. I loved this car like it was my child.

"Are you surreeeee?" She raised an eyebrow at me, almost seeing through my lie. I secretly wanted her to stay home with me, wanting someone to vent to about all the misfortunes of my life. But, I felt like it would be a burden to her, so I usually kept my troubles to myself.

I sighed, pulling myself into my car as she did the same on the passenger side.

"No.." I gave in, and immediately she peeked up, feeling a sense of pride.

"Good. So what's wrong? I can see it on your face when you're upset. Looks like you're constipated."

I take a deep breath, driving away from the Hell called college. A felt a rage from deep in my gut, and I was about to let her have it.

"What are we all doing? I'm going to classes 4 days a week to learn shit I don't care about, to get a job I don't really want, to earn money I don't really need, to live in a society I don't really like. I don't want to do anything. I want to sit and be left alone in a dark, empty room that matches what I see every time I close my fucking eyes. I don't want anything and I don't love anything and I'm sick of playing this fucking game because it never fucking ends until you're buried 6 feet under ground."

She sat in silence for several minutes, and I could feel her heavy gaze on me, before she finally spoke. "That's deep. Why haven't you ever talked about this stuff before?"

"Because it doesn't change anything. I'm living a life worth nothing. I feel like I'm worth so much more, and I could do so much.. MORE." I could tell I sounded ridiculous. But I didn't care. I was so mad that my foot was heavier on the gas, and I knew I was going at least 10 miles over the speed limit.

She sighed, and placed a hand on my thigh, and I flinched, immediately slowing down.

"Astrid, I love you. You're beautiful, and charming, and sarcastically funny. You're strong, and you're perseverance is amazing. You've gone through so much, been hurt too much, and I feel like you're giving in to it all. You're in pain, I can see that clearly, every single day. But, you're my best friend. Always have and always will be. And I'll forever be here for you. But you need to slow down. It's not as bad as it seems."

She was right. My life is a mess. A beautiful disaster. My mother and father cast me out when I was no more than a toddler, and I lived a life of torture in the foster care system, where anyone ever cares about is either getting rid of you or only wanting you for the money deposited in their bank account each month from the state. I was beautiful, yes. But with beauty comes pain, and there's beauty in everything. At least it seemed like that with me. I should have killed myself a long time ago, but I was always too much of a coward.

"I know. Maybe there's some truth to what you're saying. But I still can't shake the feeling I'm lost, like I'm not meant to be here doing what I'm doing."

She smiled at me, and I could see pity in her eyes.

If only I knew what was to come. How much my life was about to change. And maybe I wouldn't be so solemn.