DISCLAIMER: All characters and events depicted are property of Brian Jacques, and not me.

The song and spoken dialogue are parodied from the musical comedy sketch "There Ain't But One Way (Kickin' Ass)" by Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie.

Also, I realise that some of this stuff is slightly out of whack, canon-wise, but I had to take some poetic license in order to fit the meter and structure of the song.


CONSTANCE: Fellow creatures of Redwall, we would like to sing a song for you now, but we can't. That is to say, our friend Ambrose can't, because he suffered a strange musical accident when he was a dibbun that caused lasting and everlasting damage. So if you would be so kind, I'll sing the song while Ambrose Spike taps along to the strange rhythms in his head and possibly does some random sleight-of-hand, depending on how much of the cherry cordial he has been sampling.
AMBROSE: Sing the song, Constance!
CONSTANCE: I'm singing the song, Ambrose! Don't tell me to sing the song, I'm singing the song.

Well, they say Redwall is peaceful and it's been that way till now.
When Martin put his sword away all the brothers took that vow.
But now we're facing perils that won't go without a fight,
We've got thieving foxes on the left and Cluny on the right.
Though some creatures tell you that this abbey's dying fast...
Well I've not seen a problem yet can't be solved by kickin' ass!

Kickin' ass,

AMBROSE: KICKIN' ASS!

CONSTANCE:Kickin' ass is what we'll do,
Kickin' ass,

AMBROSE: KICKIN' ASS!

CONSTANCE: Iron paw in a velvet shoe...
Though normally we're tranquil types other creatures leave alone,
When threatened by an evil foe, we sure can hold our own!

Martin kicked ass down in Marshank and he kicked ass coming back.
He kicked the ass out of old Tsarmina, sent her running down a one-way track.
We'll kick the ass of Cluny's army, on this very day,
And as for Asmodeus, well, our warrior's on his way!

Kickin' ass,

AMBROSE: KICKIN' ASS!

CONSTANCE:Kickin' ass is what we'll do,
Kickin' ass,

AMBROSE: KICKIN' ASS!

CONSTANCE: Iron paw in a velvet shoe...
Though normally we're tranquil types other creatures leave alone,
When threatened by an evil foe, we sure can hold our own!

Well you can smack a rat, or guard the gate,
Or help to kill the snake,
And there's not a better time to learn to fight
With staff or stake,
So if you're like us...

WOODLANDERS: HURRAY!

CONSTANCE: Thank you!...and you want to save your friends,
Just keep your kickin' boots on till the rats have met their ends!